As the only certified alpha male at this website, itās my responsibility to talk to you about yankin’ your hog until it bigger. This is science. I know you probably have a lot of questions. Is the growth exponential? Could you have a body builder penis? Could your 50-foot penis attack downtown San Francisco? Letās find out together that the answer is yes.
Ok, so this is only promising āseveral inchesā of growth. If I want to see a penis that the government has to nuke, Iāll have to go elsewhere, lame. Still, there must be some great wisdom in this book because Spotify advertised the audiobook version to me, assuming I would like it, and I guess they were correct.
This book focuses on ānaturalā methods of penis enlargement. You know, the ones you can find in nature. People say that blue whales have the largest penis in the world because they are simply the largest animal, but no one can prove that. Maybe blue whales have the largest penis in the world because they yoink it in the exact right way, several times a week, as recommended.
Apparently, I needed to learn about V-Jelquing, and so do you, but Iāll wade you into it first with some warm-up exercises. Have you heard of the Helicopter Shake? I donāt think you need a description. Helicopter Shake is pretty descriptive, it’s when you drop a desk fan on it while you’re flaccid, whereas an exercise like Horse Squeezes needs more explaining. Itās the most legal way to get a horse involved in your penis growth routine, guaranteed. First, letās begin by not burning your penis.
You know exactly what kind of person is buying this book because step one is not to scald your dick with hot water. Good job, fellows. Now weāre going to take that unburned penis and swing it around a bunch, like you might a set of keys.
The book evokes an extremely nude exercise class where an instructor stands at the front yelling, āand twirl that penis! Weāre twirling, weāre twirling, and weāre doing this for several hours a day.ā The book admits this is the one downside to their method of penis enlargement. You do have to devote a significant amount of time to tugging on your genitals like itās a sport.
Are men doing this in the corner of the bedroom while their wives watch Greyās Anatomy? Are we building home penis gyms now? How cute would the tiny penis weight be? How much do you think a penis can bench?
The ads for penis weights include a lot of pictures of men looking into their pants as if theyāve never seen their penis before, which is false advertising. The men who use these products are incredibly familiar with their penis.
Ok, letās assume that youāve seen your penis before. Itās warmed up, twirled around, and ready to go. Letās get to the meat of this penis exercise.
Here’s what I learned about jelqing after a quick Google: don’t, ow! I saw a YouTube thumbnail called “The Dangers of Jelqing,” and it had a lady crushing a banana in her fist. That was enough for me to be terrified of jelqing, and I don’t even have a single thing to jelq. Here’s a graphic about the poor men who are caught in the cycle of jelqing, unable to stop, or I guess remember what happened the last time they experienced penis trauma, which seems like it would be a pretty memorable experience.
What do doctors know, I guess? They probably want to keep your penis thin, small, and healthy, so that you fuck less, and have fewer babies for them to tell to stop jelqing when they grow up. That’s the real cycle of jelqing? Is that the thinking when someone Googles “should I do jelqing” finds out the answer is no, and then spends nine dollars on an audiobook to tell them how to anyway? And what fucking letter is this?
It looks like the letter i is trying to pretend he’s not a part of this word. And here’s what doctors don’t want you to know you should do to get a big, strong, permanently damaged penis:
That’s the basic exercise, but don’t worry, we’re going to get into more advanced things you definitely shouldn’t do to your penis. For instance, why just do jelqing when you could jelq like a Vulcan, or V-jelq?
Star Trek really will endorse anything these days. After you place your penis in the Vulcan salute (disrespectful), you just tug it the same way you do with jelqing, but now your hand is weird. If you’re wondering how this isn’t the exact same thing as jelqing with a fun alien twist (I probably shouldn’t say twist in this context. Do NOT twist it!) It is, in fact, the same thing as jelqing.
It’s the angles, you see. The angles are what’s important. If you pull it big, it will be big and wide, scientifically. If you pull it flat and apart, it becomes the sign language word for fish monger. Anyway, remember when I said “horse squeezes” earlier? How could you forget. They’re two adorable words that become somehow horrifying when combined. Let’s talk about horse squeezes!
Personally I was hoping for even more silly names in this book than there are, Making the Pope Dance, Punching Johnny Appleseed, Putting the Baldman On the Rack, Fighting the Mushroom, Bashing the Baton, Pummeling the Bald Eagle, Grandma’s Cake Mixer. Penis tugging could be so much more creative. Horse Squeezes is pretty much the best we’ve got, and it just sounds to me like jelqing in reverse, and I read a whole book about jelqing, so I am an expert now.
To be fair, I’m bad at visualizing things, and I also don’t want to visualize this. It’s kind of crazy that there aren’t any pictures in this book. I guess even Chat GPT has some boundaries, and when they asked it to draw up whatever this is, it said “no” and “also don’t talk to me anymore.”
After explaining the basics of helicoptering your dick, jelqing, V-jelqing, and horse squeezes, the book is ready to give you a full exercise routine for beginning, intermediate, and advanced users. Here’s a look at what a typical routine is like.
Got it, so it’s pull the penis, pull the penis, pull the penis, followed by pull the penis, pull the penis, Vulcan hand pull the penis, squeeze the penis, pull the penis, pull the penis, pull the penis. When your dick begs you to stop, don’t. That is the key to punishing your penis big.
The program requires 5-10 minutes of warming up and 3-5 minutes of cooling down before exercising, so in total, I would say you’re devoting around 20 minutes a day to your penis beauty routine. I’m all for self-care, but I have to wonder how spending 20 minutes a day mutilating your penis affects the mind and any possible relationship you might have. Although the book assures readers in the beginning that partners will “appreciate and welcome these changes in most instances.”
They may not appreciate and welcome an extra twenty minutes a day at the gym spent entirely on dick exercises if you have other non-penis based responsibilities at home that you’re neglecting, but you know what, it’s fine. There’s leg day, arms day, and now get ready for penis day. Uh oh, penis day has immediately been canceled due to injury. It turns out yanking the skin of your arm also does not exercise the muscles in there, so why would tugging on your penis work to make it stronger? No one has ever asked that question before? Wild.
I know this article may be upsetting to some of our fans who have written to us complaining that their penis has grown far too large after continuous reading of 1900hotdog.com. We’re hard at work inventing a revolutionary program that will allow you to smush your penis smaller. With time and dedication, we think you’ll be able to smash it down to a manageable eight or nine inches while still maintaining daily reading of our website. Please pray that we can patent this revolutionary system before anyone’s penis gets big enough to rampage through a city, and our website is permanently banned.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Eric Christian Berg, a V-Jelquing Tambaloslos that has grown out of control and is moments away from crushing a van full of adorable baby animals.