Founded in 2020 by Internet champions Seanbaby and Brockway, 1-900-HOTDOG is the last comedy website, cursed to study broken artifacts from a wrong universe. On Wednesdays, we do it by sound alone on the Dogg Zzone 9000 podcast. On Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, we examine one of the foundational aspects of the hotdog:
🌭 Learning: You are never so beefy you can’t better yourself.
🌭 Punching: On days of punching, we, as all hot dogs must, battle!
🌭 Nerding: From the stars and shires come the panty-drying treasures of nerds!
🌭 Fucking: I see we have your attention, ladies.
🌭 Upsetting: Not all failure is cute. To be honest, all days are a little bit Upsetting.
Also, once a meaty moon, we answer for what we’ve done with a Reflecting Day, celebrate our brotherhood together with a Teamworking Day, and honor our treasured readers with a Hot Dog Appreciation Day. Every day the sun rises on a wonderful hot dog surprise.
While the rest of all online media collapses into a single shared despair, we have assembled an all-star team of funny people to keep the rare artform of “text and pictures” alive (funded through Patreon if you want to help). Let’s learn of these men and women of meaty outrageousness:
Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet in 1995. He’s worked in all the medias, and his likes include Bloodsport. Brockway is a novelist and screenwriter who may have put more jokes online than any living non-Seanbaby person. And they don’t make this site alone!
Lydia Bugg is our beloved weekly 🌭 columnist and professional hilarity maker.
Jason Pargin is a New York Times best-selling novelist, former senior editor of Cracked, and acclaimed Substack philosopher.
Brendan McGinley is a player of words, nerd historian, and comics expert.
Tom Reimann is the part man, part machine, all Tom co-founder of Gamefully Unemployed.
Alex Schmidt, pleasant genius, hosts the Secretly Incredibly Fascinating podcast.
Dennard Dayle is the author of Everything Abridged and frequent New Yorker contributor.
Sissyneck is a mysterious, unknowable rural creature.
Art Credits: Comic art by Beloved Internet Artist Rusty Shackles, painted art by MVB, pixel art/graphic design by Seanbaby.
Here we honor our producers and Hot Dog Supremes. Those whose love of comedy drove them to make the ultimate sacrifice: $50.
Nick Heyman, the “what” in every “my god, what could have done this?”
Rhia, whose name means “irresistible all-beef” in every language.
Nick Ralston, Villain Monthly’s two-time Handsomest Lair Intruder.
Jaber Al-Eidan, the bard of every party, be it D&D, Superbowl, or political.
3 Finger Louie, the Blues legend banned from every musical venue past, present, or future.
John, the reason no truck-stop bathroom stall has a functioning lock.
Dean Costello, the Meanie of Weanie, the First Chair Cello of Hot Dog Jello.
Matt Reiley, our only patron at any level with no criminal food fetishes.
Eric Spaulding, the only man alive who remembers the Berlin Foosball Massacre from an erased timeline. Pity him as much as you envy him.
Neil Bailey, the undisputed shogun of Kansas City (Missouri, not Kansas; that is GapeWulf territory)
LaziestManOnMars: Might be lazy but he made it all the way to Mars. The fuck did you ever do?
Neil Schafer, who was voted ‘Most Likely to Fuck a Whole Mountain Range’ Senior Year, and while he hasn’t succeeded yet, you have to admire the way he tries.
toasty god, duly elected mayor of uncooked bread.
John McCammon, who left fighting behind him, at least until Baron Arena took his daughter.
Armando Nava, whose name is an anagram of how they were conceived: a rad van moan.
Lyman, a magnificent youth who brandishes the magical broadsword, Lycheaper!
Josh Fabian, who spends montages nodding yes to every single hat you try on.
Brianne Whitney, who discovered the scientific formula for diagnosing a crew of being “through” or “2 legit 2 quit.”
Timmy Leahy, the true meaning of Christmas.
Mike Stiles, on whom the story “The Robot Who Fell in Love with Mike” was based.
Aidan Mouat, the Patron brought to you by the new Arby’s Edible Six Cheese Sandwich Mask with Cheese.
Adrienne Hisbrook, who has gotten away with every human crime and six dog ones.
Zachary Evans, who fills every room with his boisterous spirit, and also bees.
Yossarian, who will burn this place to the ground unless they change the Sonic movie back.
Josh S, who appears whenever you whisper “Beefbod” six times while looking in a mirror.
Ken Paisley, The Shogun of Slam, the Daimyo of Damn, the Tenno that’s a straight ten, yo.
Dr. Awkward, The 5th dentist when they say “4 out of 5 dentists recommend Crest.”
Benjamin Sairanen, The hidden secret face unlocked when you beat Mount Rushmore.
Jamie Gordon, who was not listed in the UFO papers and would like for it to stay that way.
Rich Joslin: If a jetski could be a man, it would be honored to be called Rich Joslin.
Jeremy Neill, the man, the myth, the reason your favorite Golden Corral shut down.
Alpha Scientist Javo, the first of the Scientists Javo, and *gun cocks* one day the last.
Children Love the Meat Milly, who is already under investigation, arrested, convicted, and now executed for that name. RIP.
Brandon Garlock, who was once deemed “too funky” for Disney’s California Adventure.
Moexu, Sorcerer Supreme of Solitary Sex Magick.
Matt Cortez, who is currently scamming a family out of room and board by pretending to be a bigfoot they’re hiding from the world.
Adam Ruth, known to his friends as “Baby,” known to his enemies as “AIIIEEEE!!!”
Chase McPherson, Skeet Holler Possum Derby champion eight weeks runnin’.
Dan Bush, Lover of Kate, defeater of George, often burning but never burnt.
Haraka, who hails from Savage World, and takes the form of a pterodactyl… with guns!
Moexu, who once assimilated into a tribe of apes as a practical joke… on the apes.
Patrick Herbst, also called “Herbie the Love Bug” and not for a cute reason.
Jeremy Alan Sargent, who plays Lead Bass in the all-bass band The Basstards.
Aaron Croston, Charismatic leader of Aaron Croston’s Aaron’s Devils, enemy cult to Corey Feldman’s Corey’s Angels.
KNM, who has super-powerful legs. Who can jump higher than god. Who loves jumping higher than god.
Chris Brower, who can never paraglide naked because of the drag coefficient.
Mark, who can kill a man using only a stick of gum, two hockey tickets, and a gun.
ND, of whom it is said a great comet will prophecy their birth, and a badass fireworks accident shall foretell their death.
Tom Sekula, also called The Human Tornado but for non-sexual reasons.
FancyShark, sometimes referred to as the sixth Spice Girl, the secret one we do not discuss.
John Minkoff, who for tax purposes is a small island in the Black Sea.
Haught Phart: of the Devonshire Pharts, a proud and storied legacy of Pharts.
Donald Finney, whose secret fighting style can only be taught to dying orphans, so as to spare the world from their rule.
Curious Glare, who went toe-to-toe with a grizzly bear in a vicious, no-holds-barred dance competition.
Rev: played a guitar solo so rad it exploded Eddie Van Halen’s crotch. From two states away.
Nicholas Duncan: has sown the wind, and shall reap the whirlwind, and will mill its grain to make whirlwind bread.
Brian Seiler: rode into this dedication using two sharks like skis and it was powerful. Powerful.
Neophont: cannot be defeated in arm wrestling, and science cannot explain why.
Ozzie Olin: directs traffic at the intersection of awesome and terrifying.
Bim Talzer: is the comic book sound effect for Batman punching a laser.
John Dean: is the dean of John University. It is a party school and he is a party dean.
Andreas Larsson is a gold medalist in the only TRUE Biathlon: Hot Dog Eating and Aquatic Ultimate Fighting.
Michael Lehr once stole a cursed lizard hide from the British Natural History Museum and now no longer generates organic warmth.
Rain Vargas has personally destroyed six starfish tanks and will not apologize to Sea World San Antonio.
Michael Wells, who originally told Wesley Snipes to say “always bet on black” in the hit action film, Passenger 57.
SpottyReception won a drag race on foot and is the reason we have those draconian drag race drug tests now.
Burritomouth is technically a mountain, for wrestling classification purposes.
Ted H has mastered an ape. We’ll say it again: Mastered. An. Ape.
Mickey Lowman, who pulled the immovable Corndog from the Stone and now rules the grand kingdom of Indiana.
AnAndy, who has defeated all other Andys and absorbed their powers. Behold, the infinite powers of Andy!
Jeff Orasky invented a new type of medical guitar.
Waylan Russell despises mini-golf and that’s why he invented MAXI-GOLF.
James Boyd is blacklisted at every rental car agency on Earth for being too good at jumps.
M Jahi Chappell transforms into a fighter jet if there’s ever a situation their fists can’t handle. This has never happened.
Greg Cunningham knows the sound the nuclear football makes when you spike it.
John Hector McFarland once befriended a magical candy-loving alien and betrayed him to the government for a new bike.
Chance McDermott lives by one motto: “You might regret playing it safe, but nobody regrets taking a… McDermott.”
Max Baroi has never been defeated in a footrace. He’s not all that fast, he just owns a lot of throwing stars.
Supernaught is the reason Double Dragon starts with “based on a true story.”
Sean Chase is the only person to fly a harrier jet through a Taco Bell drive-thru and live AND get the correct order.
The Artist Formerly Known as Devon was formerly known as something else, before… the Superbod Incident.
Thomas Cavazos developed a new kegel program whose practitioners can crush tractors with their genitals of choice. It really works! ASK US HOW WE KNOW.
Badger has the bite strength of a great white and uses it to free felons trapped in burning cars. Only felons.
Joshua Graves was once crowned King of Spring Break and the reign that followed was bleak and terrifying.
Mack Miserable is an elite assassin whose calling card is a mysterious purple stamp in the shape of two veiny eggs sitting side-by-side, left on the forehead of every victim.
Harvey Penguini is most trustworthy human. Harvey not three penguins stacked together. Harvey want fish, unrelated to penguin thing. Humans like fish, too. Fish!
Neku104 turns into a car if they get aroused OH NOOHOOONNK HONK!
Seren is a type of ceremonial sword used in Klingon divorces.
Rachel once invented a type of fuck and now viciously enforces the copyright.
Joseph Searles fed that bear cocaine. He thought it’d be funny. It was!
Johnny NoFun self-identifies as a speedboat. This is not a gender joke. It’s for tax purposes.
Yannis Ioannidis has seen every Highlander movie ever made and now believes he’s immortal, but there’s only one way to check.
EveryZig once tied two monkeys together to form Monkeychucks and successfully defended themselves against a tribe of furious, non-chucked monkeys.