As we all know, Star Trek is the horniest show ever to exist. Yes, there was once a show on HBO where the entire premise was this man has a large penis, and these are its adventures; it’s got nothing on Star Trek.
There’s an episode of Star Trek where a sentient cloud is in love with a man, but the guy isn’t into it because he thinks it’s a boy cloud, but when he finds out it’s actually a girl cloud, he’s like, “of course I want to fuck the cloud!” There’s an episode where a woman fucks a star ghost that her grandmother had previously fucked until she died. There’s an episode where a space captain turns into a lizard and fucks her subordinate, and they have lizard babies together. These are not the weirdest or horniest episodes.
So, when I say I’ve discovered the horniest deck of Star Trek trading cards, know that I do not take it lightly. When the Deep Space Nine – Memories From The Future trading card set was released in 1999 by SkyBox International, they tried to add a pinch of horny to the mixture, and the top came off the bottle.
Deep Space Nine is probably the least horny Star Trek. It’s a seven season long exploration of the horrors of war, with surprisingly few pauses for perversion, but every single time something vaguely sexy happens, it gets a trading card. “Bashir’s Fantasy” commemorates a moment in an episode where an alien race uses Deep Space Nine’s crew to study imagination by bringing things they imagine to life. And Doctor Bashir has apparently spent a lot of time imagining a super horny version of his crewmate, Jadzia. So this is a trading card commemorating what Bashir jerks off to and the time aliens told everyone about it. So many more important things happened in the series, but sure, we definitely need a trading card for the time Bashir got caught wackin’ it to his co-worker.
By far, the most wronged by these cards is DS9’s shapeshifting alien, Odo. Star Trek loves to invent new races of aliens and then immediately become concerned with how they fuck. Since Odo, in his natural state, is just a pile of goo, you would think the writers would leave their horny paws off of him, but that just made them want to see his goo dick more.
Lwaxana Troi is the horniest Star Trek character. (Again, this is a huge achievement. They are all very horny). Her whole deal is she can read people’s minds and constantly insists they are thinking of banging her. She’s immediately into Odo because she’s never had sex with a pile of goo before. In a pile of goo, yes. With a pile of goo, no. So she throws herself at Odo, and he’s like, “I um, don’t have a penis or any genitals at all. Not even a cloaca. Not even a hole for peeing. I can’t stress enough how much I am goo.”
According to Memories From The Future, Lwaxana’s aggressive harassment of Deep Space Nine’s constable is one of the GREATEST MOMENTS in the series. There’s an episode where Vulcan’s play baseball, and it got zero cards, but this set up for a sexual harassment case in space court got one.
Lwaxana popped in a few times and developed a friendship with Odo, but their relationship ultimately went nowhere because, again, Odo is goo. He sleeps in a little bucket, and you can’t have sex in a little bucket. The most erotic thing you could do would be to ram your fist into it and hope it didn’t kill him. That is until season 5, when the writers just had to see Odo fuck, so he lost his virginity to an undercover intelligence officer, and you bet there’s a GREATEST MOMENTS card for that!
Truly one of the great moments in Star Trek history. The one where Odo’s finally like, fine. You weirdo’s want me to get laid so bad, FINE. I truly have no idea if this should be the most or least popular Deep Space Nine trading card. Are kids like, “Hey, I’ll trade you Jadzia’s death for Odo’s virginity!”
“No way! I’d need at least three cards for Odo’s virginity. It’s the coolest one! Do you know how difficult true intimacy is for him, bro? He’s goo!”
The biggest villains throughout Deep Space Nine are The Founders, a group of shapeshifters Odo later learns are his species. They use cloning technology to dominate their quadrant with a powerful race of lab-made disposable soldiers. The word Founder appears in this GREATEST MOMENTS card collection exactly once, and it’s when Odo and one of The Founders have sex.
I’m not sure if this melting into a shared goo pile thing they do together is technically sex, but the face Odo makes when it happens says it’s fucking close enough. Either that or he’s having a really good pee as they meld.
The Captain of the Deep Space Nine has a girlfriend, Kasidy Yates, and they get married before the end of the show. But they both have regular genitals instead of mighty Morphin power genitals, so their relationship gets zero cards.
The woman Odo lost his virginity to was in one episode. Kasidy Yates is in fifteen episodes across four seasons– no card at all because nobody cares about boring human on human action. Anyway, here’s another card commemorating Odo about to get his bucket fisted:
According to this erotically curated collection, three of the greatest moments from this show also happen to be all three of the times Odo had sex. That’s a weirdly goo-horny perspective of Deep Space Nine. To whoever made this deck of cards, Deep Space Nine is the tale of a handsome shapeshifter getting it with a bunch of alien ladies. Oh, and occasionally other people have sex too.
I can’t fault anyone for choosing this card. It’s the first lesbian kiss on Star Trek! Good job! It’s actually one of the most important and iconic moments in the series! Is that why it made it into Memories From The Future? Probably not. This collection was just put together by someone who wanted to see girl-on-girl or goo-on-anything. At least they had the restraint to call the card “A KISS” and not “THE ONE WHERE THE SPACE CHICKS BANG.”
When you’re going through these cards, it gets to a point where you’re like, did anyone on this show do anything other than kiss and look at each other in a horny way? The answer to which is yes! There’s a whole war. There’s some stuff where the ship’s Captain becomes space Jesus to a planet of aliens, and it sucks. There are cool heists sometimes. But the GREATEST MOMENTS for some reason look like a photo collage from a fourteen-year-old girl’s Trapper Keeper.
Sometimes it feels like Star Trek only wants to explore one question about the future, and it’s “Can these two aliens bang?” The answer is always yes. The Star Trek writer’s room’s writing test is someone with the last name Roddenberry comes up with a freaky new alien species, and you have to tell them how you would fuck it.
Even if our faces look super different, we’re all pretty much the same below the belt. Maybe that’s the only message Star Trek is trying to convey. We can have a peaceful future through equality and acceptance, and when we finally learn and live those values, we can also have a big alien dick fest.
Lydia writes a lot about Odo’s genital situation on Twitter.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme, Hawk: Odo in the streets (man form), Odo in the sheets (goo form).