Fucking Day: Dick Fight Island, Part 2 🌭

If you missed Dick Fight Island, Part 1, you’re not reading this. You’re already dead by now. The 1900🌭 legions, armed with their new knowledge of and passion for dickfighting have already killed you in an amateur dickfighting accident. But if you’ve just been caught in a neverending dong battle gauntlet and last week feels like a lifetime ago — a different, worse life, where you had never fought dicks — I’ll catch you up:

Dick Fight Island is about men fighting with dicks on an island.

Now that you’re all caught up, let’s check in on Judah, who lost in part 1 by buttfucking in a dickfight:

He is the laughingstock of the island, and absolutely deserves it. It’s no shame to lose to Pisao — I’m sorry, Mister Dicksplitter — but to lose a dickfight by getting pulled into another man’s ass is like losing an MMA match by getting pulled into another man’s ass. There’s really not a metaphor for this.

Next up is a battle between the beautiful Moon Clan’s Blanc, and the redwood-packin’ Earth Clan leader, Lolo:

Now, the point of the Dick Fights is to make your opponent orgasm first, a simple and noble sport that might be mistaken for sex, if you’re an idiot. If you’re expecting a respectful tete-a-tete of gentle teases and caresses, you rode the ferry too far. You meant to get off on Clam Jam Cayman. This is Dick FIGHT Island:

Lolo opens this match like I assume all gay men initiate consensual sex: By dive-tackling their partner and shattering their ceremonial codpiece with their bare hands.

Lolo fights like he fucks: to the death.

But Blanc is wily, and he has a secret weapon – he’s also the island’s Foot Guy.

It’s amazing Foot Guys are still allowed in the Dick Fights after the athlete’s foot epidemic that wiped out a forest of promising young wood back in ‘96, but it wouldn’t be Dick Fight Island without a twist: Blanc isn’t into your feet, his feet are into you – he actually has nimble monkey toes which he uses to masturbate opponents while strangling them. He also uses his weird freak feet to quickly unlace Lolo’s Dong Beetle armor, then skillfully executes a power deepthroat into a naked rear ballchoke. Forcing Lolo to scream his catchphrase… 

“TO THINK MY JEWELS COULD BE THIS VULNERABLE!” is the clear attention-grabber, but there’s so much to unpack in every panel. 

Again, please remember this island views man on man sex as a battle activity — they’re so not gay they never invented anal sex. So that play-by-play from the crowd, where they openly marvel at Blanc’s ability to deepthroat a tractor piston — it’s purely out of respect for the fight. It’s like watching an MMA fight and appreciating a well executed roundhouse, or a strategic deepthroat. Nobody would expect it – you can’t tell me it wouldn’t swing a match!

Here’s a revelation: This isn’t called the Dick Fights. I know – you just got that tattoo and now you look like an asshole! It’s actually the Great Wyrm Tournament, which you probably think is because of all the huge dicks and swallowing because you’re an ignorant dipshit like that guy in the audience who won’t learn his people’s heritage. 

Let’s take a brief pause to appreciate some Dick Fight History:

Dick Fight Island has dragons! That’s how they used to settle problems — dragon fighting. Then somebody said “everybody is getting killed by these dragons, there has to be a better way.” Then somebody else said “I have an idea, but you’re not going to like it…”

But more importantly, this page also establishes the troubled warring history, the great famines, the economic systems and ruling government…

Of Dick Fight Island.

This is a comic book called Dick Fight Island. 

You would expect this to just be page after page of pornography, and technically yes it is exactly that, but it also pauses the cock-on-cock action to establish worldbuilding and set the stage for this jizz kumite. This is so much more work than you would ever anticipate from a title like this. 

Anyway, back to the cock-on-cock action.

Lolo, in a display of sheer brute force, pins Blanc and literally dicks his dick into defeat. It’s a dominating and savage endgame move, like watching a skilled MMA fighter deepthroat his opponent into unconsciousness. 

Lolo came here to do two things: dick and fight… and he brought plenty of both.

But hey, before we move on — what the hell is happening in that first panel? I’ve looked at it again and again, I’ve zoomed in and zoomed in and then Zoomed experts for their opinions only to be told “what the fuck? Never contact me again.” 

My only guess, based on their positioning and the flow of the following panels, is that it’s supposed to be the head of a penis in Lolo’s eye? 

Is that…? That can’t be right. 

Maybe it’s like drawing a tiger reflected in a fighter’s eyes before he unleashes his Tiger Style? When you see the dick crowning his eyelids you know he’s about to unleash his Dick Style?

I simply cannot contemplate this anymore. It is poisoning my mind. I leave it to you.

The next fight is Vampyr against Sicolenaga, and both warriors are worried since they have a past together. But Vampyr has a shocking revelation — he’s heard of Hart’s secret “prostate gland!” 

It’s actually what their healing magic focuses on!

So right away Vampyr has an unfair advantage going into this fight – he knows mystical assblasting spells. Sicolenaga is doomed. He’s already fighting with just one eye, unless he’s hiding a Lolo eyedong under there I NO! I will not contemplate it!

To the fight:

But Vampyr is not going to use healing prostate rays. 

That’s not his supermove.

You’re not going to believe it. You’re not going to believe that I get to write this sentence. 

Vampyr pricks his thumbs on his batwinged codpiece to paint a blood sigil on his face…

And then ejaculates powerful hallucination dust…

To channel a dick-fighting demon that takes over his body.

Yes. 

I say again – yes. 

You know what? We need to collect that all together. Appreciate its inherent poetry.

Vampyr pricks his thumbs on his batwinged codpiece to paint a blood sigil on his face, and then ejaculates powerful hallucination dust to channel a dick-fighting demon that takes over his body.

That’s the quote they’re going to remember me by, in a hundred years. 

That’s my “road less traveled.” 

I did not think anyone could displace Pisao, Mister Dicksplitter, from my heart. But if you’re going to compete with the man with the bladed dick, could you bring less than occult semen which summons a handjob demon?

And make no mistake, he is a handjob demon…

That’s a glimpse of his true form as he powerjacks Sicolenaga like he’s trying to speedrun a Bop-It.

Actually, let’s pause for some more dickbuilding – why have we not seen dragons on Dick Fight Island? Because once they stopped being bred for size, they regressed into adorable pets.

And fucking Sicolenaga accidentally brought his toy poodle into the dickfighting ring on the day the Dick Devil showed up. This level of stupidity should be illegal, but don’t worry… it is punished immediately and severely.

While trying to save his lizard puppy from being crushed by the Dick Devil’s horrible masturbations, Sicolenaga takes a full blast from Vampyr’s drug-cumming bat armor. 

These sentences! 

It is such a privilege to type them! 

I just looked down at my keyboard and it has begun to glow gold. It emits a soft hum. I don’t think it’ll be with us for much longer. I think it’s going to ascend to keyboard Valhalla where it’ll get hammered with Hunter S. Thompson’s typewriter and tell Hemmingway’s to suck its tilde.

You know the tilde is the dick of the keyboard. You’ve always known this. 

But back to the fight at hand-

…

There isn’t one.

Sicolenaga biffed it so hard. He gets so blasted on Vampyr’s hallucinogenic cum that he starts jacking off right in front of everybody, the most shameful display this noble dick coliseum has seen since Blanc’s grandpa spread fungal footrot to the crotches of The Lost Generation. 

My keyboard is flickering in and out of reality now. I have to time my keystrokes to its phases. Please forgive any interdimensional typos. 

Vampyr finishes Sicolenaga off with a spiteful flick, and then laughs as he ruin-orgasms all over himself.

My god, Judah is so lucky this fight happened so soon after his. He only had to deal with being the Butt Idiot for like three hours before Sicolenaga stole the throne. There’s nothing left for Sicolenega after this but ritual suicide, to fall upon his codpiece and hope his descendants like cleaning the ring’s cumgutters.

That means our semifinals are Hart vs. Vampyr, and Lolo vs. Pisao. What cards! Can you imagine trying to lay odds on those? Every Dick Fight Island bookie just got an ulcer, seeing those matchups. 

It looks like Hart and Vampyr are up next – the man who brought assblasting to Dick Fight Island, and the drug fugue dong demon. But there is yet another twist!

Hart’s roommate, the one who taught him the concept of anal sex and upended this entire culture, has come to watch him fight.

But he doesn’t believe this is a battle! He can’t accept all the banging they did was just training for Spunksport. He’s overcome with jealousy, and has flown halfway around the world to a secret archipelago to stop what he thinks is an exhibitionist gangbang. 

You recognize his trope by now, right? He’s the arrogant foreigner whose worldview is immediately shattered the second he steps into the arena.

Haha imagine that moment when you, fueled by jealousy, storm off a plane to catch your lover in the act and find them upside down with their penis out being helicoptered by the hallucinogenic demon spirit of a lost aboriginal tribe.

Oh shit – my keyboard started shaking. In the distance I hear a Japanese man screaming English adjectives. Something crazy is about to happen, I need to hurry.

Hart actually wins this one by breaking the horns off of his bullcock codpiece, which contain secret lubrication that he uses not to assblast Vampyr to completion, but to smear the summoning blood sigil from his face! Banishing the demon!

…and THEN assblasting him to completion!

The background has disappeared behind my keyboard and it’s just speed lines. We have so little time left and we’re about to get into what is surely the most epic fight in the tournament. Dong Dominator Lolo vs. Pisao the Dicksplitter! 

Witness the fight of the century! 

Wait…

Wait…

Wait, no, Pisao lost offpage? 

Pisao, who opened his first fight with a spinning kick into a full vertical wang vivisection, and then forced a man into his ass for a victory… does not even warrant page time? He’s the only fighter defeated offpage?

Are you fucking kidding me, Dick Fight Island? You wouldn’t know gold if it kicked you in the face and cut your dick in half.

I’m too heartbroken to even care about the final fight: Hart vs. Lolo. 

Whatever. We know how this goes. Hart is the main character who learned a secret battle technique. He’s going to take out the old guard and usher in a new era on Dick Fight Island. Volume 2 will probably be called Ass Blast Island and there will be a character who absolutely explodes asses with the honor of a champion and he’ll be fucking defeated offpage.

Except… holy shit Lolo absolutely obliterates Hart. He pins him immediately and goes into his patented Boyscout Firestarter. He rails Hart’s penis so hard with his own penis that Hart straight up tries to run away, then flinches at Lolo’s approach like a little brother who did not spot a Volkswagen in time.

Lolo is so disgusted he won’t even finish the match, and asks for the reigning king of Dick Fight Island to fight him instead.

This is the part where Hart rallies, comes up with a cunning plan, and turns the fight around, right?

Nope! He agrees to switch out because he’s completely terrified. Our protagonist wussed out of the competition!

There is never a point where you will pin down Dick Fight Island. It will pin you down and dick your dick into the dirt.

For example, the only character we know here, Lolo, is also not the victor. This new guy we’ve barely met reveals that he knows Lolo is actually in love with his partner and co-chief, and further reveals that they’ve always known the secrets of anal sex, and then further reveals that Lolo’s crush loves it. He says all of this while wrist-deep in Lolo’s ass, and Lolo cums, which is losing.

That’s it. That’s seriously how it ends. The only character we know and love gets power-cucked into defeat.

Whoever this guy is wins.

“Welp. Guess that’s how it goes” indeed.

My poor keyboard lies inert, suffering from Super Saiyan blue balls. 

You broke my heart, Dick Fight Island. I don’t even care that you gave us a cute matchup page as the Dick Fighters find love with one another…

Well, all except Sicolenaga, who is clearly off to find a quiet place to die.

I’m so ready to be mad at Dick Fight Island…

but there’s one final twist.

There was never any twist. 

Everybody knew about anal play this whole time, it’s just that the dickfighters had such tunnel vision on cocks they became penis idiots and straight forgot about a whole orifice, so that when somebody showed up with lube they treated butthole manipulation like a superpower.

There it is, go keyboard! Ascend! ASCEND-

Oh, it just jizzed all over the desk.