Learning Day: Costco Household Almanac

It’s 2024, and we have no gods but Costco. Luckily, Costco was prepared for this eventuality. Did you know that every single month since 1987, Costco has published Costco Connection, a magazine for Costco Members full of normal advice about how humans do things? Paul McCartney, Dolly Parton, and a glass of milk have all graced the cover of this chaotic informational tome.

At first glance, it was my firmest belief that if you ever saw someone reading Costco Connections Magazine, they had a sinister plan. I thought the only reason to read this magazine was to appear unassuming. Or possibly to appreciate how hot they made that glass of milk look on the cover.

“Glup glup glup,” says this wet hunk!

If you’re wondering how Costco could possibly come up with enough content on updated shampoo and Kirkland Signature pet food to fill a magazine, you should know the magazine wasn’t enough. In addition to Costco Connections, starting in 2007 and ending in 2008 Costco also published The Costco Household Almanac; Tips and advice from Costco. Now Costco can really get into the nitty-gritty of your life, advising you on every single aspect of humanity. There is no need to ask questions; Costco has all the answers. Costco has all the questions as well! Costco is destination, Costco is journey, you are Costco. This thing is 200 pages long:

What was so essential that it had to be moved from a quick and timely magazine to a classic, long-form text that would stand the test of time? Amongst the dusty shelves of the Library Of Congress sits The Costco Household Almanac, and that copy begins, of course, with a quote from Ralph Waldo Emmerson and a forward by MaryJane Butters. This is the most Costco combination of people to ever exist. Ralph Waldo Emerson is the Aquaterra Luxury Jacuzzi Tub, and MaryJane Butters is the hotdog and soda combo a man once threatened murder over.

The forward by MaryJane Butters, is of course, incredible. I’m split on whether or not MaryJane Butters is a real person or some sort of Costco golem created specifically to write this forward. I’m pretty sure some dark magic brought organic farmer MaryJane Butters into our reality so she could tell us about the higher moral plane of Costco.

You heard Mrs. Butters, Costco is conducting commerce amongst the Gods. They’re not just out here selling caskets and tubs of Nutella. They’re out here selling caskets and tubs of Nutella, and tubs of Nutella big enough to be used as caskets on a high moral plane. Is your life a mess? Let go and let Costco. They will tell you how to live every single aspect of your life so that you too may one day conduct commerce on their moral plane as well. Save us Costco! What wisdom do you have to share with the masses?

What would I do without you, Costco? Before I let The Costco Household Almanac run my life, my organs were helplessly unlubricated. My spleen was as dry as bone, and my bones were wet for some reason? Now, my doctors say my pancreas is so wet it might slip right out. That’s right, I have to see multiple doctors. That’s how lubed my organs are! Please continue to fix me Costco! Cushion my brain from non-Costco!

Have occasions? Try cards!

I have to respect the opinion of the author of this piece, Robyn Freedman Spizman, one of the foremost gift experts in the country, that I should absolutely bury my friends under the weight of a thousand greeting cards. Who do you think is competing with Robyn for the title of foremost gift expert? The robot who puts Facebook metadata onto shirts? Santa Clause? I bet that chump doesn’t love greeting cards half as much as Robyn. She is the goddamn creator of “Hap Birt”!

Still, I assume the advice in this article is solid because I’ve never seen a happier stock photo of a laughing Grandma. I will bankrupt myself with greeting cards if that’s what Costco thinks I should do because I have faith in the people who made my organs so perfectly moist. Let’s take a pause to absorb all of the good advice Costco has bestowed upon us so far and instead appreciate this absurdly horny ad for a clock radio.

The Costco House Almanac is filled with the subtle desperation of sexually repressed suburban America, but this is probably the most overt expression of it, and it’s brilliant. Imagine that you find yourself willingly flipping through articles about The Best Gift Wrap and How To Reorganize Your Garage Like The Pros, and suddenly you see this hot metropolitan man kicking his one-night stand out at exactly 10:09 in the morning. I want this man’s life, you’d say! I want this man’s clock radio! Once you start to notice the undercurrent of sexual repression in The Costco Household Almanac it’s everywhere, the excessive use of the word mount in the section on flat-screen TVs, the beefy calves of the men in the article on comparing arthritis supplements, The feral look in the eyes of the Sticky solutions lady.

You might think it would be difficult to make Costco sexy, but they did it. At some point in this process, the editor of The Costco Almanac slammed his fist on the table and said, “It’s not sexy enough! I want to see the bottom fifteen percent of a woman’s whole butt in my Costco bible!” And he made it happen.

SMOOTH HUMAN BUTTS: TOUCH AND BE TOUCHED. Anyway, back to the regular life advice Costco has to give us! There’s still tons of good, not at all horny, advice Costco has for us about making our lives better. This is about self improvement. Tell me how to make my life better, Costco!

Ok, that is advice, but, why do we need binoculars? The binoculars article is really long. Is Costco selling a ton of binoculars? Apparently, there’s such a wide variety of binoculars available at Costco they’re concerned some customers will be “overwhelmed by the myriad choices available.” They even sell “digital binoculars, which combine a digital camera with the binoculars” so that you can “capture that special moment.” Definitely not something a pervert would own, why would you even suggest that? These are for bird perverts!

For real, let’s get back to the tips—just the tips! I need wholesome advice on how to wet my organs and buy more greeting cards. Give me something I can work with at Costco.

No, Costco. Happy White Couple Enjoys Rewatching Sex Tape on Sofa Horizontal Layout Photo is not wholesome. I may be losing faith in my new God. The infallible institution of Costco even mocks itself toward the end of The Costco Household Almanac in a way that I find fascinating. They decided to parody their own magazine in the pages of their magazine under the heading “our resident parodist just couldn’t resist…”. Why does the Costco Household Almanac even need a resident parodist? That’s an unnecessary expense, which is very much not in line with the Costco doctrine of commerce on a high moral plane. Also, his parodies are terrible AND contain that strange undercurrent of horny desperation that permeates the entire book.

Costco really said, “I hope you enjoyed our article on mold FAQs. Now grease up a Twister board and get freaky, losers!” It truly embodies everything that is Costco. I’ve realized Costco must be all things to all people. Sure, it’s a store that sells jumbo packs of plain white socks, but it also sells condoms in packs of 100. The important thing to remember is that if you center your life around Costco, you’ll always have plenty of binoculars.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Supernaught, a fine damp soul with the wettest heart you ever saw.