Fucking Day: Superhorse’s Love Life 🌭

We need to talk about Superhorse’s love life. The writers of Superman were very concerned about Superhorse getting laid. “How can he be both a superhero and a horse and not have a girlfriend?” They seemed to think. This horse is too dope not to get smooches.

So, to understand Superhorse’s psyche, you must first understand that Comet the Superhorse is not a horse and is not named Comet, although Supergirl does continue to call him that long after learning his origin story (rude). He was born the centaur Biron in ancient Greece.

Biron saved Circe’s life when he saw an evil sorcerer mixing up a potion to poison her, so she offered him a wish as thanks. And he wished to be human so he could have a shot at banging her. Luckily, she seemed pretty into Biron even as a centaur, so if that plan had worked perfectly, he might have had a shot. Biron’s only mistake was falling in love with such a clumsy woman. It turns out Circe was a real Mr. Bean.

She brewed not one but two potions– one that would turn Brion human, and one that would make him fully a horse. They didn’t really need that second potion but she thought it would be a fun bit. Unfortunately, she was real loosy goosy with her potion labeling and well…

So now that Biron was stuck as a horse, irreversibly, forever (that was also part of the potion apparently, which is so weird), Circe decided to give him another potion that granted him immortality and superpowers, including flight, as an I’m sorry gift. I, personally, would not have taken any more potions from Ms. “Whoops I guess you’re a horse forever now, my B,” but Biron was not a discerning potion taker.

So now Circe has this loyal immortal horse guarding her forever, and the sorcerer who tried to kill her earlier is not having that, so he creates yet another potion that banishes horse Biron to space where he is trapped alone for centuries. Then one day, the rocket containing Supergirl on her escape from Krypton flew by and somehow scienced that ancient sorcerer’s magic to pieces, freeing Biron, who was so grateful he decided to become Supergirl’s horse and not even complain when she kept calling him Comet.

So unlike Superdog, Streaky The Supercat, and Beppo The Supermonkey, Superhorse’s powers have nothing to do with Krypton, or Kryptonite, or being an alien in any way. He’s basically a horny old man trapped in a horse’s body. This backstory is important to DC. They released a children’s book in 2022 called DC Super-Pets! Comet! The Origin Of Supergirl’s Horse, and I thought they would take that opportunity to retcon this absurdly horny horse story. Friends, they did not change a fucking word.

That is the most lecherous centaur smirk I’ve ever seen in an easy reader. They also repeat this story in the multiple comics where Biron turns into a man and romances both Supergirl and Lois Lane. It feels like they think the horse actually being a centaur makes this less weird. I personally think it makes it more weird when they make out with the horse.

When Superhorse is not in horse or centaur form, he’s a human man who goes by the name Bronco Bill, Bronco Bill Biron, or Bronco Bill Starr. Wait, I thought you said the magic spell that made him into a horse could never be undone! Oh, it can. It actually can be done in a lot of ways. His sorcerer buddy made it so that whenever a comet passes near earth he can become human for a while.

Once he ran back in time and found Circe again and was like, “Remember when you said the horse spell could never be reversed? Hear me out, what if it could be?” It turns out Butterfingers McSorceress is actually totally able to turn animals into humans, whoops!

Also, when they retell Comet’s origin story in later issues, they added a retcon where it was the evil sorcerer who switched the all-human potion for the all-horse potion. It seems like even making the all-horse potion and putting them in similar bottles was the huge mistake, but at least this version of the story makes Circe competent enough to receive repeat business from Biron. The point is, they thought about and tinkered with this story quite a bit and it’s still barely not just sex with a horse.

Whether Brion is in horse or human form, he is always way into Supergirl. She’s riding him to her dates, treating him like he’s a damn Toyota Prius and he’s silently pining for her as she tongues down Aquaman’s nephew.

When Comet is able to become Bronco Bill it’s he who gets to mack down with Supergirl. Yes, Supergirl is super into the human version of her horse. Whenever they cross paths she is down to make out with the horseman, both in her secret identity as Linda Lee Danvers, and as Supergirl.

It happens so fast you might think, “Wow, these two have instant chemistry. They are truly soulmates. Why can’t Supergirl simply marry this immortal horse/centaur/man?”

Here’s the thing, that’s how Biron is with every woman. When he’s a man, he’s ready to fall in love with any old gal that comes along, as evidenced by his brief fling with Lois Lane. That’s right, Superhorse stole Superman’s girlfriend once.

This occurs in issue number 92 of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane, a comic they almost had to rename Superman’s Sidekick’s Horse’s Girlfriend Lois Lane. This horse will not stop making out with people associated with Superman. Jimmy Olsen better watch out.

A comet passing by Earth causes Comet to assume his human form shortly after rescuing Lois Lane in the desert. Knowing he will need food and shelter as a human, he poses as the most shameful of professions, a magician, and gets a job at a hotel where Lois happens to be staying. They meet and end up falling for each other, and Superhorse is just like, “Guess what, I’m Superhorse,” which Lois LOVES. She’s not weirded out by the horse thing at all. She’s super horny for learning someone’s secret identity since a certain caped crusader has been so withholding.

So once again, Biron calls through time to Circe and asks her to make him human, BUT Circe is out of her cave and misses the call, which is then intercepted by none other than the diabolical Maldor, the evil sorcerer retconned into being responsible for Superhorses’s horse state. Instead of turning Biron human, Maldor turns Lois into a horse and gives her superpowers for some reason. Making someone your enemy and also a giant wall of muscle that can fly seems like a bad idea, but the sorcerers in this comic are famously bad at their jobs.

Weirdly, this kind of works out in Biron’s favor, though, because he can’t stay human forever without Circe’s intervention, and even then, as we all know, Circe is not that reliable. So, when the comet passes, and Biron becomes Superhorse again, he and his horse Lois frolic through space together and have a great time.

In the end, of course, Lois is changed back and forgets the part of the incident where she became a Superhorse. She does remember Biron’s secret identity as Superhouse and promises to keep his secret, which will get real awkward for her if she ever runs into Supergirl with her boyfriend.

Biron might have had a fling with Lois but whenever he returns to horse form he is still fully into creeping on Supergirl. It’s not like he can’t tell Supergirl he’s actually Bronco Bill. They can communicate telepathically, but not once does he say, “Stop calling me Comet,” or “We made out twice,” or “I am your boyfriend.” He pretends to be a regular horse who has never frenched Supergirl under a rainbow because that might make things awkward!

Superhorse truly has one of the strangest and most tragic backstories, and DC is weirdly attached to it. Do they think a secret horse boyfriend is integral to Supergirl’s identity? They’ve mostly written Superhorse out of modern comics, which makes me mad because “flying horse” is a fun concept. But it’s difficult to disentangle Superhorse from his tendency to try and bang Supergirl. Supergirl’s pet has two distinguishing features: flight and the fact that he sometimes becomes a man and kisses her. Unfortunately, in a universe that gets reset and rewritten every several years, superhorse sex is the one thing that can never be changed!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: ND, who was cursed by a Meat Witch to forever live as Super Ass, the donkey who’s secretly hot!