Fucking Day: Doctor Odyssey🌭

Quick, sit down. We don’t have much time. They’re going to let me talk about Doctor Odyssey. Everyone in my life has been listening to me talk non-stop about Doctor Odyssey since September 26, 2024, and I’m finally ready to share it with the world. Where to even begin. Doctor Odyssey is about a doctor on an odyssey, but the ship he’s on is called The Odyssey, and he is the ship’s doctor. It’s Love Boat meets ER meets Macgyver, but hornier than all three combined. You might think that level of horniness would explode your TV, and it will. I’ve been through three TVs, and I love it.

Doctor Odyssey has had sex with two of the three other people on the poster for Doctor Odyssey. His absolutely wild backstory is that he’s an Ivy league ER doctor who was the first U.S.-based COVID-19 patient. After nearly dying of COVID he’s decided to live life to the fullest by working on a cruise ship and fucking everyone he works with. He’s a goddamn American hero with no hobbies or interests outside of medicine and sex.

You might be wondering how much doctoring a cruise ship doctor could need to do? Presumably, Doctor Odyssey took this position because he thought it would be a cushy party job that was 90% sunbathing and 10% treating food poisoning. That might be the case on some cruise ships, but on The Odyssey, every single episode, there are multiple medical emergencies, and every single time, Doctor Odyssey will say something like:

And someone will respond, “We can’t do surgery on a cruise ship! This is a cruise ship! Look around you, Doctor Odyssey. Are you insane? It’s literally impossible to do surgery on a cruise ship.”

To which Doctor Odyssey replies, “If we don’t do the surgery now, this man will lose his broken penis. He’ll never make it to Jamaica in time to save his penis!” That’s the real reason they have to do surgery in the above screenshot, by the way. Something like this happens every episode. In fact, it happens so often that eventually, the writers realize just doing surgery on a cruise ship isn’t dramatic enough to feed their audience anymore. They have to up the stakes. So then it becomes. “We can’t do surgery on a cruise ship that’s going through a hurricane! We’re in the middle of a hurricane, AND we’re on a cruise ship. We can’t do surgery on a cruise ship that’s ALSO being attacked by sharks!” They have to build an emergency parfait. We’re still in season one.

By season three, they’ll need at least six concurrent emergencies to scare the audience. “We can’t do surgery on a cruise ship that’s adrift at sea and on fire, and Doctor Odyssey’s left hand is super glued to his face, and the patient is a shark, but we have to save this shark’s penis! He’ll never make it to Jamaica in time to save his shark penis!” Do you see why I love this show? It’s because there are a LOT of penis injuries.

It’s also important to note that the cruise ship is rented out weekly to different groups, so each week has a theme and some dumbasses that will have medical emergencies to go with that theme. There’s plastic surgery week, singles week, Halloween week. Are there a lot of cruises in October? What month is it anyway? Ssshhhhh. Doctor Odyssey is timeless.

Ok, so that’s the basic plot of Doctor Odyssey. A series of medically unlikely things happen to a nice, hot man on a cruise ship. Let’s briefly talk about the characters. Doctor Odyssey has two nurses: nurse practitioner Avery, who wants to become a doctor someday, and Tristan, who mostly wants to surf and have sex with Avery, but Avery is not interested until she, Doctor Odyssey, and Tristan have a threesome in episode six. Here’s a fun meme from that episode.

The episode is actually a pretty big bummer. The Odyssey is chartered for a wedding, and the groom ends up throwing himself off the side of the ship the night before the wedding. So it’s a grief threesome, which barely counts, I guess. After the threesome, Avery suggests they become a thruple and Tristan could be down, but Doctor Odyssey is like, “NO, I WANT TO GET MARRIED TO ONE WOMAN AND HAVE BABIES. I’M A NORMAL TRADITIONAL MAN.” Doctor Odyssey. You’re 46 years old, and you live on a cruise ship. You can’t be offended if people think you might be open to some alternative lifestyle choices.

When Doctor Odyssey made his strong preference for traditional marriage known, I realized that this show is kind of Republican. Sure, the guest stars are mostly B-list gay icons, Bob The Drag Queen, Margaret Cho, Shania Twain, Cheyenne Jackson, Gina Gershon, Amy Sedaris, Margo Martindale, etc., but this show is no Pose. It shares the most DNA with Ryan Murphy’s other show, 9-1-1, and I’ve come to think of them as Ryan Murphy’s Republican shows. I feel like what Ryan Murphy has learned from 9-1-1 is red states are willing to put up with gay characters if they are fighting a beenado.

You may never have heard of Doctor Odyssey, but everyone in Nebraska is watching Doctor Odyssey, and they were shocked by that threesome. They needed to see Doctor Odyssey express some remorse after he definitely let nurse Tristan peg him. Sure, he does some crazy things, but he’s still a straight white man. Don’t worry, Nebraska.

There will be a season one 9-1-1 and Doctor Odyssey crossover where Angela Bassett’s character from 9-1-1 boards the ship. She will probably swallow a shrimp fork, and Doctor Odyssey will be forced to do emergency surgery to save her vagina. It’ll be great.

According to Joshua Jackson (the actor who portrays Doctor Odyssey), when Ryan Murphy came to him with the idea for the show, he said, “I feel like we’ve all been holding our breath for the last four years, and I want to make the exhale.” This is an awful lot of responsibility to put on a show about a man doing penis surgery with nothing but a scalpel, dental floss, and chewing gum. Its trailer did set a record for views, so obviously Ryan Murphy was somehow speaking directly to America’s subconscious.

The show is so strange that it’s spawned a lot of fan theories. The most popular one is that Doctor Odyssey never woke up from his COVID-induced coma and is currently in purgatory, helping lost souls survive their journey to the afterlife. When guests enter The Odyssey, they pass through a long glowing tunnel covered in a screen decorated for the theme of the week that seems very afterworldly. The show usually makes a point to linger on the guest stars in awe of this tunnel. It could be symbolic, or it could be a fun way to introduce guest stars. Still, making a show so bonkers people assume it must be some kind of metaphor for hell or whatever, is an accomplishment.

I believe that Doctor Odyssey could exist in our world. I think a man and a man that he definitely got dicked down by could do surgery on a woman they had a threesome with to remove her appendix during a hurricane. It might not happen every day, but it’s at least plausible. Wait, it does pretty much happen everyday for them. Ok, I’m a little suspicious. It might be Hell.

It says a lot about the show that the actors also don’t know if they’re in Hell but would be down for it if that’s the case. When they’re interviewed about this pervasive fan theory that Ryan Murphy is secretly making the new Lost and disguising it as a show about dumb, horny doctors, they’re like, “I’m on Doctor Odyssey. I’m down for anything. Make my character the Devil. That would be sick!”

If this show isn’t really a fun romp on a cruise ship but secretly an exploration of people on their way to Hell, why are there so many gay people on the ship? Hm. That seems a little Republican, is all I’m saying, Ryan Murphy.

My biggest concern about the political leanings of Doctor Odyssey is the anti-orca propaganda in their current shark attack plot line. You might recall that 9-1-1 did a Beenado event that was actually a cover for a plane crash episode they were told they couldn’t air in September. For some reason, Doctor Odyssey‘s much-hyped shark attack episode is actually a backdoor orca bashing event.

Did ABC tell them they couldn’t slander orcas because they’re so popular right now? We’re all big fans of their work on yachts, and Doctor Odyssey is talking about how they’re the smartest and deadliest predators in the ocean, and there’s a pod of them surrounding The Odyssey. I want to know what happens, and I do love this show, but if the orcas think Doctor Odyssey is part of the problem, I say sink that boat.

I’m pretty sure that’s not how Doctor Odyssey will end, though. Angela Bassett is appearing in the episode after the shark attack special, so Doctor Odyssey and the ship probably both make it out fine. Also, orcas have some of the largest penises relative to body size of any mammal, with the largest recorded one reaching eight feet in length. They are also prehensile. So, yeah, I think I know how the episode will end. Save that orca’s penis, Doctor Odyssey!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Eric Christian Berg, the last person you want to see with a scalpel, but the first person you call when your penis is at stake.