Fucking Day: Pope Shopping Spree🌭

Have you ever wondered who the pope’s haberdasher is? The answer is it doesn’t matter. Pope hats are no longer special in the era of the internet. You can buy them off several different websites that anyone can use, and no one will even verify whether or not you’re the Pope. You know what that means, congratulations, we’re all popes now. Popemobiles and diplomatic immunity for everyone. You know what that means: Popemobile drag races begin at sunset.

You can’t unleash knowledge like this on a degenerate like me. I was raised in the Catholic church. I know what a chasuble is. It’s the cunty little outfit that priests get to wear, and now I know that if I want to lounge around the house in one instead of a bathrobe, I fully can, and no one has the power to stop me. Be honest, do you think I could pull this off?

You might be thinking two thousand dollars for the sacred muumuu, wow that seems like a lot! You would be correct. This outfit is a top-of-the-line frock from one of the most expensive online purveyors of liturgical lewks, ecclesiasticalsewing.com. There are many ways the different websites try to distinguish themselves in the eyes of their customer. Ecclesiastical Sewing’s brand identity is the Chanel of chasubles. They deal only in the most high-end vestments and paraments, and none of the other random Catholicism trinkets the other sites sell. They do have a few extra items for sale, but only really classy high-end stuff, like this tasteful Catholic oven mitt.

Everything on Ecclesiastical Sewing is handmade in the United States, and the company is family-owned and operated, which is probably why they have a section called “Posters Man Cave”, which sounds like the name of a ’60s Batman villain. “We’ve foiled you again, Posters Mancave!”

The thing is, catholic priests don’t need a man cave. Their whole house is cave. No one but God can tell them what to do, and if He won’t speak up to stop any genocides, I feel like He’s probably not having too much say on interior decorating either.

Speaking of, you might wonder what was in the Posters Man Cave section of ecclesiasticalsewing.com, and I will tell you: it was all AI-generated posters of military planes and tanks. Due to the fact that priests don’t need man cave posters, I think I was the first person to click the link and when I did it triggered some sort of alarm at ecclesiasticalsewing.com. They realized how weird it was and when I went back the next day to take a screenshot, they had taken them all down.

PSG Vestments doesn’t sell any computer-hallucinated posters of tanks, well, I guess no one does now, but PSG Vestments does much more affordable chasubles. I mean, these are peasant chasubles compared to what Ecclesiastical Sewing has going on. What Lord-loving man is going to pay sixty-nine dollars (the sex number, you’ll recall!!) for this tacky golden dove pissing on the eucharist?

Get it together, psgvestments.com. Their most expensive chasuble is only $211, and it’s also bird-themed? I don’t remember there being so many birds in the church. The themes of the Bible were things like shut up and give us money, and look at this dope outfit I bought with all of the money you gave me.

Of course, it’s not fair to say that priests only spend donations on these sweet threads. There are some really good cups in the Catholic church as well. None of that “Jesus was a simple carpenter” bullshit here. Daddy Pope wants a 24K gold-plated chalice with a sterling silver case. Sure, it costs 10K, but so does dignity.

That’s how you fancy pope, but of course, you can also pope on the cheap with an olive wood chalice from Catholic Supply of Saint Louis for a mere seventy-five dollars! This is the chalice they dropped on the floor and let it roll around for a while before they shipped it to you, but it’s probably fine. The entire congregation of your church can still all put their mouth on it if they love the taste of poor.

Ok, ok, I know what you’re thinking: show us the hats, Lydia. We were promised Pope Hats in the intro, and there hasn’t been a single hat in this article. How will I show off my slick Catholic style without the largest hat available! To which I say, calm down, children. Why have a Pope Hat when you can have a Pope Crown.

This stylish Pope Crown, aka a mitre, weighs almost nine pounds, which the Catholics will probably love because wearing it will feel torturous. It’ll be an honor to have your head crushed under this much luxury! If you’re starting to feel like there’s an absolutely stunning number of websites that sell Catholic priest accessories, I should tell you that this is from blessedcelebration.com, which sells a little bit of everything, and advertising to Catholic priests is sort of a side gig. They’re a big supplier of Jordan almonds for weddings, and ethnically insensitive Halloween costumes from ethnicities you didn’t even know had ethnically insensitive costume potential.

At least Blessed Celebration doesn’t sell reliquaries. Those really give websites the vibe of a dude with a trenchcoat full of watches in a back alley. The problem isn’t the reliquaries themselves; it’s that if you need a reliquary, it means you’ve acquired a relic, and where did you get that, my friend? In the Catholic church, relics are usually parts of a saint’s body; a little bit of skin, maybe some hair, a tooth if you’re lucky! This has created a pretty big black market saint bone issue around the church.

The Catholic church tries to be picky about its relics, but you can buy saint teeth on Etsy these days. The internet is unstoppable and full of scam artists.

The description warns that the relics deserve respect, but they are advertising them next to a ten-dollar t-shirt depicting a dancing skeleton that says, “Don’t Worry I’m A Chiropractor.” Once you get your hands on a bone that might or might not belong to Saint Polycarp of Smyrna, you have to put it in its own little saint bone house, and you’d better get a nice one because the catholic church believes in hauntings. If you don’t give that saint bone a nice house, expect to get your ass haunted by the patron saint of earache sufferers. That’s really what Polycarp is the saint of. Polycarp is a real saint and not a Pokémon.

The $53,605.94 does not include shipping.

So, how do you advertise to Catholic priests respectfully, without the help of the Etsy algorithm? If there are so many websites out there catering to this niche audience of roughly four hundred thousand single men with a LOT of disposable income, how does one distinguish itself from all of the others? Well, only one that I’ve found offers hot hipster priest models.

This man just biked over from Brooklyn to pop on that chasuble and smolder. There are only two male models on Chasubles.com, and it’s mostly all one guy with two looks: smolder and shame. Chasubles.com knew what they had when they found him.

You can’t fake that kind of shame. A Catholic priest will know instantly. That is real, genuine regret and sadness. You know what he’s really sad about? The fact that they won’t let him model the hats.

You’re going to get a perfectly distraught model priest and not let him model the Pope Hats? How am I supposed to know if I want to order a 6 ⅞ Pope Hat or an 8 ¼ inch Pope Hat? What am I saying? I don’t want to be the Pope with the smallest hat at the party. It has to be 8 ¼, right? What’s the point in buying a Pope Hat if you don’t go big? Honestly, 8 ¼ isn’t going to cut it. I must scour the internet for the tallest Pope Hat. Starting with PSG vestments. You know they’re going to have the tallest, cheapest hat. This one stands at a respectable 12 inches and costs ninety dollars.

Try to tell me that hat wasn’t made for me, I dare you. The issue is, of course, Etsy also has Pope Hats. There are way more Pope Hats than saint bones on Etsy, and of course, those hats are hefty. We’re talking an impressive 23.5 inches of hat. That’s taller than the average newborn baby.

This one is pretty affordable too, at a mere two hundred dollars for all that hat. It was a healthy competition, but I think I’ve found my personal Pope Hat. I guess it’s time to get out there and enjoy all of this diplomatic immunity. Meet me in the parking lot in fifteen minutes. I bet I can get the Popemobile up to 120 without the hat flying off.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Ken Paisley, who dares you to mock his four foot pope hat. He is working on a bigger one, but 私はそうは思わない το καπέλο بہت لمبا ہو سکدا اے