It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single guinea pig in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. That’s right, crowd, I’m sick of doing upsetting things. This one’s just for me, a woman with an absolutely insatiable need to see guinea pigs in top hats. I never thought I would be able to enjoy my two hobbies, Jane Austen and rodents, at the same time, but technology has advanced to a point where almost anything is possible, and this is what we use it for.
My most controversial opinion is that we should remake all of the classics with guinea pigs. They’re so expressive, so easy to wrangle into a variety of hats, and there’s not a third thing I could possibly want from them. A Guinea Pig Pride and Prejudice is like the William Wegman dog thing, except way less sexual, and also way more sexual because it is very directly the story of two guinea pigs falling in love and entering into the union of Christian marriage.
This is the kind of weird artifact that I worry AI will rob the world of. I don’t want to see a made-up guinea pig with three ears reenact Pride and Prejudice. Knowing that a real human had to wrangle the guinea pigs into the hats is what makes it fun. Picturing someone painstakingly constructing a tiny period accurate guinea pig croquet set is the fun part. Here are some guinea pigs with no hats. Look how boring!
The opening article of this line is a lie. There is no acknowledgment at all within the work that the stars of this Pride and Prejudice reenactment are guinea pigs. It’s a very straightforward retelling with a full cast that appears to be made up mostly of lady guinea pigs, so it’s actually A Gay Guinea Pig Pride And Prejudice. The ladies are really strutting their stuff in the cast photos. Check out the legs on Doris, and Madel has clearly just gotten her hair done. These ladies are ready to put on a serious production of Jane Austen’s most beloved work.
So now that you’re familiar with our cast, let’s begin the story with Act 1, in which the handsome redhead Mr. Bingley, a single man of large fortune, comes into the lives of the Bennet sisters. Note how the photographer even cast a red-headed guinea pig in a nod to the red-haired Mr. Bingley of the famous 2005 Pride And Prejudice adaptation. You can really feel Mr. Bingley’s desperation to escape the rigid ideals of society in this picture. Or, maybe the guinea pig is trying to wriggle out of his hat. Either way, it’s a perfect picture.
We get a layout of the Bennett family, and then we cut straight to the party where Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy meet. Absolutely no filler in this adaptation. We haven’t got time for nuance. We’ve got sooo many guinea pig fainting couches to fit into the story. The chemistry between our two leads is immediately electrifying. Elizabeth is looking at Mr. Darcy like he’s a calcium rich chew.
There’s the iconic quote about how enchanting Mr. Darcy finds Elizabeth’s eyes, and you know what? It just hits a little differently when those eyes are on the sides of her head, like a prey animal. I agree this guinea pig is enchanting.
Of course, Elizabeth’s sister Jane and Darcy’s BFF Bingley fall in love. I mean, who wouldn’t fall in love with Jane when she’s wearing this absolutely friggin’ fantastic hat? They clearly had to design a hat specifically to fit this guinea pig’s voluminous hair, and they crushed it. The costume designer for the production is Tess Newall. Her contributions to the project were so vital that she’s credited alongside photographer Alex Goodwin and Jane Austen as a co-creator of this book. I don’t care if she went to fashion school hoping to make it to the Parisian runway; this is better.
As we all know, this is the point in the story where the evil Mr. Wickham, deflowerer of innocent virgins, enters the story and catches Elizabeth’s eye. According to Jane Austen, he had “all the best parts of beauty- a fine countenance, a good figure, and a happy readiness of conversation.” Let’s see this stud.
Wow, what a fucking scumbag. There’s some obvious type casting going on here. Of course, Darcy sees Wickham and is immediately like, “Oh hell no. That guinea pig tried to fuck my fifteen-year-old sister.” I hope there’s someone reading this article who’s never read Pride and Prejudice and the only version of it they will ever know is me describing how the guinea pigs did it.
The tension between the two is palpable. I don’t know what they did to fill Mr. Darcy’s eye with such rage. Take away a carrot? Could be take away a carrot. They hate that. Of course, Elizabeth only knows what Wickham tells her about Darcy, which is that they grew up together and Darcy is jealous of Wickham because his Father loved Wickham more than Darcy and even left Wickham a large inheritance, which Darcy refused to give him. Do we have a photo of Darcy and Wickham together as children? That feels essential to the story.
Oh good. I’m pretty sure in the story they did wear enormous hand-embroidered doilies with their initials on them. This picture is giving me an idea for a spinoff called Pride And Prejudice Babies. Probably in that one, we would leave out the part where Wickham runs off with Elizabeth’s fifteen-year-old sister, perfectly named Lydia. Not in this one, though. In this one, the guinea pig is still a tramp.
At this point in the story, Darcy, who’s been wrestling with his feelings about Elizabeth for a while without telling her, randomly pops up while she’s on vacation and is like, “I’m sorry you’re so poor, but for some reason I’m in love with you anyway. Let’s get married.” Elizabeth says no in a big way, and he is devastated. I mean, just look at him. They definitely took this poor man’s carrot away.
God, I don’t even know how to tell you what happens next because it’s so awful. We find out that Mr. Wickham is secretly… a gamester! Not only that, but he’s guilty of wanton profligacy. His greed sickens me, but the tiny little playing cards and dice on the teeny tiny poker table heals my soul.
Elizabeth is upset about the way she treated Darcy when she finds out that Wickham sucks and massively disrespecting him in public is actually the least Darcy could do. She realizes that her family is pretty poor, and being married to a rich guy would probably be radical, and she is so depressed that her family sends her on vacation so that she can stop killing their vibe. Then who should she run into but Mr. Darcy again, and the tension between them is palpable.
He does still love you, Elizabeth! I yell at the book. Guinea Pig Elizabeth does not respond. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s in a book or because she’s a guinea pig. Perhaps she’s too distraught by the news from her family that her fifteen-year-old sister has run away with Mr. Darcy! He did it again! Look at that fluffy rapscallion. So proud of himself. He’s got a little drum to play a little victory march for taking Lydia’s virginity, and he won’t even marry her!
Darcy has to track down Wickham and pay him a bunch of money to convince him to marry silly, impulsive Lydia. The poor girl just wanted to get laid, and now she’s got a husband who’s a gamester. A gamester! Darcy tells Bingley to hurry up and marry Jane, so now Lydia’s got two sisters married off and she’s like, “actually the whole thing where Darcy bribed Mr. Wickham to marry Lydia was pretty hot maybe I’ll marry him and be rich and happy with my husband who’s kind of rude to men who are creeps, which is actually an awesome personality trait and not a bad one.”
This would, without a doubt, be Jane Austen’s favorite adaptation of her work. No one has ever captured the romance, scandal, and hats in the way that these guinea pigs have. They should do versions of every classic story starring guinea pigs. Wait, I’m sorry, they have, including the birth of Jesus Christ (and his litter of siblings, I’m assuming).
This is the only medium I want to read any book in from now on. I want A Guinea Pig War And Peace, a Guinea Pig Handmaid’s Tale, maybe not A Guinea Pig Fifty Shades Of Grey. Probably don’t make that one with guinea pigs. Unless you give Christian Grey a really sick hat.
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5 replies on “Fucking Day: A Guinea Pig Pride And Prejudice🌔
A gamester! I’m properly scandalized. The only way to make it worse would be a scene where a guinea pig walks out of lake or flexes a paw.
I vow to never read Pride and Prejudice so that you describing guinea pigs acting it out in a photo book is the only reference for it I ever have. As a bonus, that’ll really annoy literature nerds which I’m all about.
What in the hell did I just read?
Oh, it’s an article detailing and providing comedic and insightful commentary regarding a humorous retelling of the novel “Pride and Prejudice,” a very popular and well-known work by author Jane Austen, widely considered to be one of the most important works of the early modern age of literature and hugely influential even today, wherein certain scenes are depicted pictorially and characters within said scenes are portrayed not by human models, as one would expect, but rather by Guinea pigs in a series of tailor-made costumes, with special attention paid to the elaborate hats, as befits the novel’s setting in Victorian England. I hope that helps!
What I read as written by Liddy was reasonable, including the flights of fancy. What I SAW in today’s cursed artifact deserves the “What in the hell?”