Well I never met anybody no matter how many friends or family they had still wasn’t a little bit lonesome, that just seems like its the human condition but we keep trying don’t we, to connect, but goddamn the whole vulnerability part is pretty scary! I guess that’s why we keep looking for some kind of way of certainty about it all or sense of control from psychology or astrology like this one:
Oooh i know we all cant wait to take a look whats inside this one and learn about ourselves and our future and it says “mans best friend’’ so that must be a cute dog holdin that other little telescope down there how excitin! but lets be ‘sponsible and first learn a bit about our creators
Our pitchers were drawn by a mr Gray Jollife and if your thinking “hm something about that name makes me think…” you are correct he is a Uk man:
Well thats not a very flatterin one to use for your wikipedia page werent there any other photos of ol Gray out there?
Oh ok i see carry on then and whats that? Tuttutt you say, our man Joliffe is a little grumpy p’raps but that alone isnt so terrbly terrbly British is it? Well how bout:
Thats right, the Kings school himself, pretty posh after all maybe bite your tongue on your anglo-judgements, unless you are also a headboy i guess.
Ok and then the other one who I think wrote the words is Peter Mayle also a Kingdom dweller here is his picture
Now THATS how you take a author photo you borrow a nice shirt and makeup from your out n proud auntie and stand in fronta statues pukin up some… rocks? bushes mayhaps, or as they call em in england “shrubbins”. But anyway Peter was a longtime creative pard of Gray but also on his own did some things like:
That was a little confusin to my colony brain so i looked it up and the Wonderbread Slogan he wrote was in a commercial: there was a baker named Cyril and someone said “Nice one’’ to him and then they made a pretty rousin soccer song about it! And then the cocknies did their slang to it so in certain circles if you said “That Nice One only just went and burgled me biscuits!” they knew that meant a squirrel stole your drugs.
Well anyway, i suppose were all feelin a little pity now for Peter who only had this little weird indirect thing to put in his wikipedia page oh wait heres another thing he did he wrote a memwar book and
Ok whoa never mind i guess i could die pretty happy if the guy what did Legend made a movie about my rich guy deep thoughts and life wisdoms.
Ok now that we are fully oriented and know that this book is the product of a couple of proper english gents (and from what i can tell they never even murdered anyone which: i dont know if that gives you more or takes away Hot Dog Points), we have the right expectations for our book report. Also it will be fun probly for us to use are internal british accents when we are reading this, lets keep all are U’s nice and liquid everybody!
So let’s open it up and-
Oh so i guess they do things a little differnt ‘cross the pond and over their mans best friend isnt dogs its penis so I guess only some of us are going to be able to learn ‘bout are destinies and such today. I ‘pologize and I will hope and look out for maybe Peter and Grey did a follow up for folks with different parts but you know what i think its probly a safe bet they didnt. And you know i can already tell im gonna not wanna be typing just “penis” too much on the media center computer here so we’ll borrow from our limely friends and use rhymin slang to hide are activities from the lib’ry bobbies, like so: “Crikey his knickers were so short you could see his double-decker!’’
So i guess it turns out that what this book is is its about how you can unnerstand yourself better, not just only based on when you were born but also dont forget to think about what your pumpkin-eater would say. I might not be explainin it very good, here:
Ok so i guess its actually sayin that where the stars and planets and stuff are also eggsert a influence on your “rascal” i guess i can maybe unnerstand that there have been some restless full moon nights for me in terms of feelin my bod’s desire and such oh but wait here they explain it in more detail:
Ok ok now i DEFANATLY understand, Peter wrote a very funny and clever story about how the farrow’s boner is why they did pyramids and Gray drew with his markers really good art illustrations for it and THATS why a astrology book with arthropormophic schnauzer-cakes makes sense. Ok so I think now we can just go through and sorta do a buzzfeed thing of ill put all the signs and you can read yours and say “Well thats me kinda except for all the parts that arent” and read your friends and say “oh my god yes that is them eggsactly and completeley!” except that made me a little bored thinking about doing that so actually how about instead we take a look at what these two gents of the relm put together when they decided to colloborote creatively and maybe perhaps we may find that we learn something about there minds and beleifs and culture and how the finest of schools in all of england prepared these old beans for the modern world and interacting with people, specifically sex with women. Let’s begin.
Yes in addition to havin a cute lil drawing of a tee-hee doin a zodiac appropriate activity for every sign and a uncrumprhensable bit of astrolagy text, there is a fun lil “ideal woman” cartoon and were gonna be fair here and i guess i can just say for me personally this one is not a terrible joke, but: not only is a lil disturbin that this man has brought his home-wrecker out for some air, i guess the art its just not very clear: is it laughin at the joke or winkin or sniffin the tablecloth we may never know.
Okay now that is a real thing i looked it up, nowadays we call it “post-coytal dysphorica’’ but what we have here is the mans valley-snacker tellin us that the woman got all the depression but none of the orgasm which is to my eyes a very bullyin thing to say to all you pisces out there.
Okay so now we have another very coharant thing where we learn what a aries is in understandable terms and then a cartoon about the ideal woman that is very much based on this particalar astralogy sign and not just a genitals cartoon that dident have any other place to go. My head is hurtin a littel bit for some reason but what is happening is that because you are a aries your ping-pong wants you to fool a woman to kiss a frog costume its wearing. For sexual pleasure, you see.
Oh boy i dont like this one very much at all we are headin away from humanistical respect for one another whenever there’s a “She said no BUT…” so i’m gonna advise Sir Stink Lore Speedo there to accept the reality of this is not the time and replace your trousers until a later date to be disclosed.
Lads, lads, theres that not understanding “no” thing we talked about, your doing it again. Just because you are in possession of a external genital doesent mean that your vote counts more and even if it did! YOU DONT THINK A SEX ENCOUNTER SHOULD BE A UNANAMOUS SITUATION!? You know what let me check something real quick hold on
Hm thats interesting
Ok I got a lil upset and frustrated there let me calm down by mindful noticin things about the cartoon art like how that sun really adds the spice of detail to the tablowe and how the woman…did he draw her swimsuit bottom is pulled down on purpose or accident? Ope im gettin worked up again, alright: cleansing breath in 2 3 4 purifyin breath out 6 7 8 and we arrive in the present moment with calm and grace. Cork Board.
Okay so this one is some what of personal importants to me, as i said i have some mood ups and downs depending on the moon and this was pretty much a lot worse when i was a child and a adolesents and maybe about after the 50th principals office call because of unacceptable classroom behavior my mom finally sat me down and eggsplained that “you know your special right sissyneck? but special in a way I havent told you about yet” and eggsplained that there is a thing called a breech birth and theres a rare sort of these called a penile breech where the lil infant member, so tender and mile, exits first, or enters i guess depending on where your sittin, and thats what i was and that combined that with a extra long and protactored labor, well the upshot is that while my Yon Yonson was birthed just in time to be a moon subservent Cancer…
…the rest of me came out a bit later as a willful and forcesome Leo! And just like we all know if a cancer man married a leo lady it would be a powerful but also powerfully conflictual pairin up, such is me and my fifth of november. As pictured above, we dont always get along but once I unnerstood why, we have improved our communications and relationship over the years but sometimes we still a get a little shirty with each other and also i’m told supposably that’s why we have all this diorrhea
Whew! It feels good to tell you all that aloud i suppose i am still a rationally ashamed about my deformnity even after all this time but I trust that you will meet my vunnerability with compassion I thank and respect you for it.
Alright back to the task at hand lets focus up people here we have the virgin sign one and apparently when Peter shared this muesli joke with Gray and Gray shared this good drawing of a witty shock and y’alls with Peter they looked at each other and said ‘We’ve only gone and done it again havent we my son innit,’ and their agent came in with tiny glasses of port an they all cheersed: great britannia! britannia rule my waves!
Alright so here the in a jiffy is pictured bein mad that the woman who doesnt want to do a certain sex thing is not good-enough pretendin she DOES want to do it and all this just really makes you kinda tired doesnt it? It does me.
Finally! Some sexual ‘sponsability! I learned from this one that when you sit down to ring up your birds it is best to do it in the fully nude
…so if you do have a wee bit of STI or even just a touch of the penal shingles youll know BEFORE the date gets started. Thats just a lil sexual health tip from Gray, Peter, Cousin Alice, and me.
Sigh well its pretty clear that both these chaps were just real eager to have there Jean Genies just out there and visable at all times to everyone so maybe we should actually be thankful that they transumutated this into the world through text and drawin only.
No, you know what? Me and my corn cob might have our differences and rough times both behind and ahead of us and i know we all gotta stay vigilance bout not hurtin each other but at least you and me and everybody else here readin today can probly go to sleep to night peaceful that at least we never made any cartoons about our genitals bein the one that talked us down from murder to deflowerin.
What’s that, my lil cancer buddy? Yeah, no, I agree with you, Shania Twang is pretty funny but its what the poet calls a near rhyme and we have our standards don’t we? and Anyway, we’re already done with goin through the book, so we can take a break from thinkin about weener jokes now, what do you want to do next? Haha you bet, Im ALWAYS up for watching Commando again and yes, we can wear those special soft pjs from TJ Maxx. Ok, I love you too. Do you remember how to tell all the nice people here were done for the day?
In the name of Jesus Christ amen.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Matt Reiley, who’s more of a vulva tarot guy.