Today on the Dogg Zzone 9000 we’re talking with Portland hot sauce magnate Dirk Marshall, grown corpulent and prideful from his position atop the cascadian chili pepper oligarchy. Look at him, on his palanquin drawn by spice-crazed children. His corruption can only be stopped by divine justice or assassination.
We might be a little bitter because Dirk has the nerve, the absolute gall to run the VHUS Podcast, where he finds even more cursed artifacts than we do. The difference is his premise is finding folks who work in the jobs shown in these bizarre movies, and our premise is nothing.
For example, if the VHUS podcast covered the movie Eliminators, Dirk would find a mournful mandroid to discuss what it’s like living as a mockery of everything you were. Whereas we actually are talking about Eliminators this week, and we mostly giggle about the ninja.
Eliminators is a perfect movie by virtue of being the best parts of every other movie. Nobody said that means it’s a good movie. If you build a Frankenstein with Chris Hemsworth’s biceps, Pedro Pascal’s voice, Timothee Chalamet’s eyes, Christina Hendricks’ tits, Van Damme’s ass, Willam Dafoe’s dong, and Beyonce’s legs, I’d still fuck it – but I’d have to act fast before God struck it down with earthquakes and wildfire.
That analogy started in a deeply personal place and ended in a VPN-protected incognito browser with 44 tabs open. But you get my point: everything in Eliminators rules, there’s a lot of it, and I don’t know if the monster it made actually whips ass or not because I’m too busy trying to smash it.
ELIMINATORS ROLL CALL!
Wacky robot sidekick!
Fun-loving Berserker Super Hillbilly!
Horny adventurous scallywag!
Force lightning wielding time-traveling evil Roman legionary cyborg mad scientist!
Horny force lightning wielding time-traveling evil Roman legionary cyborg mad scientist!
The Dogg Zzone 9000 is breaking for the holidays after this, because the parts of our brains that register awesomeness have been blown out by ninja fan leaps. We’ll see you in the new year!