We cover a lot of male maniacs on this website, so in the interest of being fair and balanced, today is for the lady maniacs! Jen Sincero calls herself a “success coach” now, but that’s because she has no actual credentials in any area. She’s the former co-founder of a band called Crotch who managed to write stupid things confidently enough to make it on the New York Times Bestseller list. Her greatest contribution to society will probably be the invention of lesbian sex. At least, that’s what she thinks.
I’ve never read a book with this kind of drunk aunt energy before. It’s so comfortable saying the most outrageous shit you’ve ever heard, as if it’s a fact that cannot be disputed. It opens with a list of “straight women who’ve dabbled” that includes fictional characters like Xena Warrior Princess and Ally McBeal. Then she presents all of her ideas about how having sex with women is fun, as if they’re new and revolutionary and not something Xena and Gabrielle were doing in 1000 BC.
This book talks about having sex with women like it’s a juice cleanse. “There’s this hot new trend called banging chicks. Oh my God, you have to try it! It’s so refreshing! I had so much fun I literally almost died once!”
Sometimes it feels like she’s aggressively trying to recruit me into an MLM for pussy. There are even quotes sprinkled throughout the book from other women who’ve tried this one cool trick to earn orgasms and can’t wait to share it with you!
So can I sign you up forty boxes of, um, women? Human women who are people with feelings. If I found out this book was ghostwritten by Harvey Weinstein, I wouldn’t be shocked at all. The top two pieces of advice for attracting hot women are, number one: alcohol.
Did you know that alcohol lowers people’s inhibitions and might lead them to do things they wouldn’t normally do if they weren’t drunk? This is sleeping with chicks tip #1. High five dawg. This tip is repeated over and over again. There’s even a section with drink recipe ideas with silly names like the “bosom caresser,” “bushwhacker,” and the “fallen angel.”
Sleeping with chicks tip number two: did you know that as a woman, you have access to places like locker rooms and sorority houses, you know, places where women typically feel safe? Guess what? Not anymore, baby! I’m so dead serious about this here is the paragraph that lays it out.
The book then goes on to list scenarios wherein sleeping with a chick would be “a snap,” including, “Host a slumber party / kegger at your sorority house, complete with beer bong and group sleeping area.” There’s that fun alcohol tip again. This woman really wrote an entire book called “You Should Be a Sexual Predator,” then published a way more popular book and re-released it with a forward to let everyone know that she is famous now, instead of launching it into the sun where she and women everywhere would be safe from it.
Can you believe that I made it this far into discussing the book and didn’t even mention that on page one, it is dedicated exclusively to The Big Guy and Mr. Squirrely Jones with no further notes. There was almost half an article worth of stuff weirder than the Big Guy and Mr. Squirrely Jones. I swear this woman is a reincarnated frat boy, and those are the brothers who went to prison for causing her to choke to death on a live goldfish in her past life. The book has frat boy revenge ghost vibes.
Further evidence of this is the section on masturbation. The policy of this book is that you can and should put everything in your vagina for fun. Here’s a small portion of the list of suggested items women can jerk off with. It feels like it was written during the great depression. Babe, you don’t have to masturbate with a candlestick like Miss Havisham or something. It’s 2024, we have vibrators. Jen Sincero is banned from the Beauty And The Beast Castle for life.
It’s probably not just The Beauty And The Beast castle. During the section on how vital rubbing against basically anything until you cum is, Jen claims she can bring herself to orgasm without the use of her hands and does so a lot, sometimes at weddings. Her attempts to make masturbating at the DMV seem glamorous fall a little flat, in my opinion.
So far, there hasn’t been a ton of actionable advice in this book. Sure, we’ve got gems like get your friends drunk and try to kiss them while they’re vulnerable, masturbate with a candlestick, and X-Men-masturbate at the DMV. I feel like there should be some graphics in this book to explain good lesbian sex positions. Self-help grifters love a good graph. There’s a pussy eating pie chart that feels very on-brand. I have some questions about it, but I’m not going to ask them. Ok, one question. Pinching?
The graph is expected, but I was not expecting the bunched up instructional fuck Barbies. A New York Times Bestselling Author carefully drew the snake tattoo on Barbie’s back because she thought it would look cool. Or possibly be funny? I’m not sure what the intention was, but I do know the position she’s demonstrating looks super uncomfortable.
I’m only throwing the tame Barbie humping pictures into this article. She uses them to demonstrate some moves with a strap-on later in the book, and it gets pretty graphic. I know this was early in her career, so she doesn’t have that sweet “success coach” salary yet, but she couldn’t spring for a Barbie bed? She had to make one out of a folded up pillow case? This is something she definitely could have gone back and updated after she became famous; maybe turned this into some nice, clean graphics? But no, she found the Sharpied-on Barbies charming and low-tech.
I guess this was edgy in 2005? That’s the only reason to do this. Barbies, with their famously jointless limbs, aren’t actually that good at demonstrating sex positions unless you’re doing a position that requires very little bending, which doesn’t seem like it would need much demonstration at all if you’re delicately fucking with all of your limbs straight– just t-posing at each other while you each handlessly ejaculate.
Speaking of things that don’t need to be explained but this book spends time explaining them anyway, there’s a vocabulary builder that includes quirky made-up phrases no one says. They’re usually puns, and not great ones.
I assume by “a famous woman revered by lesbians,” she means people who’ve really contributed to the gay community, like Velma from Scooby Doo and Ursula the Sea Witch. I really hope that no poor woman tries to casually drop these in conversation on her first trip to a gay bar. She would have to get her friends so drunk to get past that one.
The Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping with Chicks has 3.55 stars on Goodreads, with a mixed spread of reviews. There are the people who haven’t read the book but are angry about the bi-erasure of the title (rightfully), the people who didn’t like the title, then read the book and got even angrier (rightfully), a few Jen Sincero stans trying their best to defend it (sad), and one person who wrote 11 paragraphs claiming to be an alien that stumbled upon the Voyager spacecraft and has found a way to communicate with earth only through the Goodreads review section. Shout out to Glorbalodl, two stars is generous. Pick a better book, dude! Try a James Patterson novel. People love that shit.
That’s the story of how Jen Sincero doomed humanity by writing a book no one will read the Goodreads reviews for. The only review you need for this book isn’t even one word long; it’s more of a guttural sound of disgust and then slow shuffling away.
I bet her advice in the New York Times Bestselling book with three sequels and a series of coaching classes is better. However, this type of author tends to write the same thing over and over again, so it’s possible You Are A Badass At Making Money just tells you to get your boss drunk and jerk off with a spoon. I don’t know how money works.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Elliot Watson, who has zero tolerance for Barbie-based pedagogy.