Communion is a movie about jazz dancing with aliens, and hats. Hats for all occasions. Christopher Walken plays a character so insane that Christopher Walken thought it was a bit much. Christopher Walken stepped outside of himself for possibly the only time in his life and thought âWHOA, Christopher Walken,THIS is ridâŚiculous.â You probably read âdancing aliens,â and âself aware Christopher Walken,â and assumed Communion is a work of fiction. You are technically incorrect. Itâs based on a true story, which happens to be a hilarious lie. Communion is the story of Whitley Strieber, UFO activist, spiritual idiot, semi-professional star lunatic and very professional liar. I donât even think itâs true that he likes hats. This movie was based on his biographical book: Communion, A True Story.
âI bet this book is gonna be wild!â You, the Hot Dog enthusiast, say, knowing how this goes.
No. Weâre not even going to open it.
Hereâs the back.
Enhance.
How does one survive the afterlife? Is this a Flatliners thing, a club of morbid perverts edging death until they climax in the ghost plane? Just say that, Whitney, itâs 2023 itâs not even weird anymore. Thereâs a subreddit just for that fetish and a second subreddit just for calling that first subreddit ghost appropriation. Wait, is Afterlife Survivor an overwrought way of saying he died briefly but it didnât take? Thatâs barely anything. Today we call that sleep apnea, fifty years ago we called it âjust dadâs time.â
âOh, I get it – the articleâs about this other, way crazier book!â You say, recognizing a Hot Dog twist when you see one.
No. Weâll never mention it again.
Any time you see the letters âDr.â in front of some spirit bullshit that means either hip hop legend Dr. Ghostâs new album sucks, or somebodyâs got a fake degree and a briefcase full of magic crystals with your auntâs name on them.
Actual PhD? Neurology? A⌠is that a real school? This canât be the same person.
Itâs the same person.
At the University of Arizona right now there is a Doctorate of Psychology from Harvard whoâs 100% certain that ghosts are real and you can hang with them. Now, academics believe in all sorts of weird shit, itâs the premise of Ghostbusters and every Don DeLillo protagonist. UA likely keeps Dr. Gary Schwartz around because heâs really good at psychology. The Laboratory of Advances in Consciousness and Health is probably a respectable mental health research center and not some sort of reverse Flatliners ghost laboratory where they edge ghosts until they climax on the living plane.
The University of Arizona has a ghost laboratory. I guess maybe thereâs⌠they could be studying why people believe in ghosts. Cultural shit. Spiritual Anthropology, if youâre trying to get laid. Yeah! Thatâs something that fits comfortably into the way I understand the world, itâs probably just that!
Holy shit, what is SoulPhone� Surely the paranormal laboratory at the University of Arizona is not using university funding to build an actual telephone to call ghosts.
Thatâs exactly what theyâre doing.
The current tuition at the University of Arizona for an in-state undergraduate is 12,000 dollars. For a four year degree, that comes out to nearly 50,000 dollars for an education. If you are currently or formerly a student at the University of Arizona, I want you to know that some of that 50,000 dollars went to making a smartphone for revenants.
Hold on. University funding is a complicated thing. Some rich alumnus wandered into the therapy wing raving about spirits and one elaborate farce involving bedsheets and projectors later, boom â you got the ghost department funded. Theyâre probably just doing the ghost phone on paper and really using those funds to scientifically prove once and for all that schizophrenics donât like being poked or whatever.
Because that last paragraph sounded so reasonable, thereâs no way you believed it. Good instincts, hereâs the SoulSwitchâ˘.
They built a ghost lightswitch that spirits can use to communicate with the living world in simple yes/no responses. The SoulSwitch uses some kind of plasma field bullshit and can respond to ten yes/no questions over a period of thirty minutes with a reported accuracy of 80%. To recap, there is an actual ghost laboratory at the University of Arizona working on a way to bootycall the hereafter and they have so far produced a button that takes half an hour to be only sort of right.
Thatâs just the first step! A proof of concept. See, the SoulSwitch⢠is going to lead to the SoulKeyboard⢠.
Twitter is already an infected snakepit and itâs full of only living racists. These guys want to actually take Twitter into hell. âLetâs see what Hitler RTs,â Gary Schwartz proposes to a packed board meeting, hoping to be fired. He almost hates the money heâs showered with in response.
But forget about sliding into the DMs of the dead, wait til you hear about SoulVoiceâ˘
I actually respect having a trademark based on pure gumption alone. These guys have 1/16th of a ouija board and theyâre already dropping those TM $50s just in case a Soul Plane sequel beats them to the punch.
GHOST ZOOM.
Theyâre talking about how ghost zoom will allow webinars with deceased luminaries, like Leonardo Da Vinci is going to be doing a masterclass. If heaven exists and Da Vinci is in it, do you know what heâs doing? Plowing Mona Lisa. He might let you watch but you better burn $50 right now to grab SoulnlyFans⢠or youâre getting shut out of the ghost porn boom.
This is so naive. Your boss already insists you telecommute with COVID, if these motherfuckers invent ghost zoom youâre going to be sitting in on earnings reports from hell. âHaha, isnât that already hell?â You joke. Yes, but now the devilâs going to be shoving your entire grandma up your ass while Doug points out you spelled it ârecieptsâ on the PowerPoint again.
Thatâs a cute hypothetical. âHey imagine what Tesla would say on ghost zoom!â Obviously SoulPhone⢠is not honestly implying they are currently using a phantom light switch to play 20 questions with Nikola Tesla.
The University of Arizona is outsourcing labor to ghosts.
Iâll bite, whoâs on this Ghost A-Team and follow-up question: can a van burnout in heaven?
This right here is a legitimate PhD from Harvard currently working on a ghost phone at a major American University, describing the spirit labor he is outsourcing from the netherrealm and still my first thought is âHow are you getting Edison and Tesla to work together?â Thomas Edison killed an elephant just to fuck with Tesla. Wait. Do Elephants get ghosts? Letâs conference her in, really hash this whole thing out, address the elephant in the r- sorry, Mrs. Peanuts, that was insensitive.
Criticizing the poltergeist staffing of a paranormal laboratory trying to turn a lightswitch into ghost Zoom is probably missing the point a bit, but⌠what is with this team? What the fuck is Carl Sagan gonna do? Heâs probably grumpy you ripped him from space to focus test a Magic 8-Ball. This is pure stunt casting. Where is Alexander Graham Bell? He was building an actual ghost phone when he died! He should at least be here so you can rub it in! If youâre just pulling names out of a hat, why isnât Marilyn Monroe on this team? Macho Man Randy Savage. Michael Jackson, shoot for the moon.
Son of a bitch!
There is an obvious problem with claiming that Michael Jackson is interning from beyond the grave at your ghost laboratory. Okay, several problems. Several nesting problems that get deeper and more absurd with each doll thatâs revealed. But letâs just talk about the ethics of letting Michael Jackson Zoom into your ghost lab from his laptop in heaven, despite the seriousness of the allegations against him when he was alive.
Jesus, what an absurd place weâve wound up in this comedy article. Weâve gone so deep down the rabbit hole weâre worrying about employing undead potential sex criminals. That weâre even stressing about this minutia when it’s all predicated on âghosts are real, and they telecommuteâ shows weâve lost all sense of perspective.
Just like Dr. Gary Schwartz, who has a section rebutting that exact concern.
Good lord, heâs doubling down on a bad ghost hire so hard heâs accusing the actual living victims of trying to persecute a spectral pedophile. This is-
Do we need to start a ghost #MeToo?
#MeBoo
