Are there pterodactyls or ancient, extinct birds recently? What? That’s… huh? Congratulations, junior bird scientists, we’ve finished the thesis statement of PREHISTORIC BIRDS IN MODERN TIMES by Eddie Vuittonet, Ph.D. (2023).
Prehistoric birds haunt all seven corners of the globe! From The Amazon to Madagascar to Africa! From “New Zeland” to three different counties in Texas! They are here, maybe, some say, but surely the author doesn’t mean like… still, right? This isn’t a children’s book about uncorroborated dinosaur sightings is it?
Oh, fuck. This book is raw bird madness out of the gate. There’s no dedication, introduction, or table of contents. The unnumbered first page starts with “PREHISTORIC BIRDS IN MODERN TIMES BY EDDIE VUITTONET BIRDS: THERE ARE REPORTS OF SUCH BEASTS WEBSTER’S DEFINES BIRD AS ANY FLYING MYSTERY WE SHOULD BE SAFE INSIDE AS LONG AS NO ONE TOLD THE BIRDS OF THIS.”
So our first prehistoric bird is the Thunderbird, a purely mythological creature from Native American folklore. Is this author suggesting the legends are based on an actual lightning dinosaur who has survived for hundreds of millions of years? Maybe! He seems very confused and may have written this book by saying, “Siri, can i die to dinosaur, please print results.”
It shoots lightning arrows? And hunts sea whales? This is a jackhammer of Thunderbird madness. But I appreciate how Eddie has dressed up his outbursts in the language of science. As if saying “According to some reports, people have claimed to see giant birds” is less crazy than “Indian bird gods are just dinosaurs killing Nebraska elephants during thunderstorms.” This rules. If I made this up as a bedtime story, my daughter would say, “You are high as fuck; this rules.”
Wow! These ten one-sentence paragraphs screamed in no particular order finally explain why Native Americans famously refused to use bows and arrows! Allegedly, some have claimed. “Never do this, arrows are my thing,” said the mighty Thunderbird, reports say, to “some Native American tribes” who honored it by hunting sea whales with only bare-handed strangulation. Fact or fiction, one thing we’re all certain of is that this magic bird was completely real and a creature!
I wish every book was like this. It’s make-believe, but somehow also wrong? It’s like watching someone have a stroke after you tell them, “I’ve never seen scores as low as yours all my years of teaching kindergarten.”
It’s worth mentioning how gigantic this text is. For scale, here it is next to a jumbo X-Men valentine. PREHISTORIC BIRDS IN MODERN TIMES is the size of a magazine and each page makes room for about five sentences. If this was an eye chart, we’d be on the third line from the top and a legally blind person would be saying, “Ha ha this motherfucker is crazy.”
The second large and alaming bird in the book is the harpy eagle, which isn’t prehistoric at all. It’s only a big bi– I mean, what are we doing here? Are we listing birds that bird idiots might mistake for older birds? I don’t think Dr. Eddie Vuittonet quite came up with a book idea here. This is barely Scattered Bird Thoughts by The Dumbest Cat, much less PREHISTORIC BIRDS IN MODERN TIMES by A Human Doctor. Still, harpy eagles are pretty sweet. Let’s see what Eddie knows about them.
The harpy eagle is large and big with a need as to be quantified for us in comprehending the physical similarities of other prehistoric creatures which bear similar physical similarities? Well, I stand corrected. It seems Eddie is actually quite smart. This is all very science.
I’m glad you’re looking at it, because it’s hard to put into words how dumb this is. This sounds like a bully mocking the report you did on a harpy eagle book you didn’t read. It sounds like the transcript from a speech Donald Trump would give to the Junior Nazi Bird Watchers of America. It’s something a rat would tell a researcher before he wrote down “gen. 24-C: still unable to communicate” and slapped the incinerate button.
There’s no good reason for this next clipping, but I worry you think I’m taking the extra crazy shit out of context. I wanted you to see one of Dr. Eddie Vuittonet’s bird entries in its entirety.
Dr. Eddie writes with all the understanding and pacing of a baby falling down its first flight of stairs. This is panic. He is typing random, unformed thoughts in a way less respectful to his readers than if he had just copied Wikipedia. He’s making wild guesses, offering statements so broad they’re pointless, and seems to have no idea he’s repeating himself. And to make things weirder, he says “as stated earlier” during one of the rare times when he hasn’t stated something earlier. You may have clocked this as the hallucinatory stupidity of AI, but I don’t think AI would sum up its harpy eagle report by saying, “In conclusion, the harpy eagle is slightly less large or giant than a different and fictional bird, but I mean, you know, still. Pretty big.” Maybe he is working with a kickass robot that won’t shut up about Thunderbirds, but to me this has the stink of human idiocy.
Let’s move on to the very next two sentences, or as Dr. Eddie calls them, “paragraphs.”
As a man of science, this prehistoric bird book author is so skeptical about prehistoric bird sightings that he tells the reader not to believe people who saw a harpy eagle, a real bird which exists. Whatever they think they saw, there’s a decent chance it was only a weather balloon or legendary Cherokee bird harbinger. The point is, birds play tricks. And speaking of, did he say there were once birds larger than today’s ostriches? Let’s learn more!
The Titanis bird, a large bird-like creature, lived both 5 million years ago and about 70 years ago. It’s hard to know the particulars since reports of newspaper reports weren’t very particulat back then. All we know is some parts of the 1900s were terrified. How old is Dr. Eddie Vuittonet? I didn’t even know we had parts of America where you could still get an education this bad. This sounds like copy being read by a newscaster in the background of an all-chimpanzee version of Law and Order.
The section on the Titanis bird focuses less on its stats and powers and more on the fear people felt when it attacked them. People went hysterical for miles! At least until later when they found out it never existed! Nonetheless, it’s a good example of how paranoia and confusion can be as dangerous as dinosaur monsters. Nonetheless again, maybe the dinosaur monster was real.
Despite it not being real, the Titanis bird, which again was a bird-like creature, was seen across many times or places despite living only in prehistoric times. “It was gigantic yet only weighted 10 pounds,” Dr. Eddie told his anaesthesiologist who instantly knew he had made a terrible mistake.
Honestly, it seems like Dr. Eddie wasn’t quite sure how to explain the Titanis bird. It was big, yes, and very much like a bird, sure. But he needed us to know it was both extinct and also a terrifying threat to humanity, so here he is rewording it for the fifth time. And if you look at the end there, I think he’s also trying to explain it in Bird? Is that what’s happening? If you said this to me, I’d pull out my bird squashing mallet and tell you, “Clever disguise, bird, but not clever enough.”
Maybe I’m too quick to hit secret birds with hammers, but I don’t know how else to interpret “the bird was able to communicate” followed by the word “phausbddibidbidasushaci“. We are pioneers of an all new madman frontier here with Dr. Eddie Vuittonet.
There are only a few more Titanis bird facts to cover.
To wrap things up! The Titanis bird was probably frightening, abusive, and confusing with a long neck made for abusive and frightening grasping. We can’t know for certain, though. In fact, as Dr. Eddie concludes, the words he’s writing are really only useful as an example of how dumb people can be when they’re stupid. Speaking of, the Gastornis is extinct and no longer exists, but does it still exist today?
This is the question Eddie asks himself and never answers. Was this maybe meant to be a textbook? Was this the “chapter review” for his two sentences about Gastornis? The answer to this question is literally the previous sentence. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve run out of ways to call this book stupid. It’s stupid in ways that cannot be. This is the 1950s prehistoric bird attack of stupid. Anyway, here’s how Dr. Eddie answers the Gastornis question: with a story of two cops who saw a pelican:
Because of bird, there was an intense outbreak of pubic fear, the best possible typo for public fear, which refers to the little-known phenomenon of people getting scared (because of something). I’m sorry for getting so technical, but it’s important to know all these sociological terms being thrown around. It seems like the real danger of prehistoric birds doesn’t come from when they exist, but how scary it is when they could. If you told me a cop said he saw a large bird, I would light my entire neighborhood on fire. “Better to die this way than by bird,” I would tell them. “We agreeiiiiiieeeeeieieeeee!!!” they would agree.
Some other examples of fear are confusing car, disease, and eaten by bird. I guess the book’s only chapter, chapter “one” we’ll call it, is mostly about fear. Not the nature of fear, but the dictionary definition of fear and how a gigantic flying creature might feed upon it. The best thing about terrible writers is they can’t hide what’s wrong with them for long. It’s why the only thing I have to say in this sentence is Bloodsport and titties. But when an author stops their dinosaur encounters book to write about fear of birds, fear of birds, fear of birds, it’s what psychologists call “revealing.” Dr. Eddie continues…
You see, bird media, combined with bird encounters, creates something of a bird spiral which leads to the “monster bird” obsession. Okay, now that we all understand our bird fear and can work together as a community to keep it in check, let’s get back to the prehistoric bi– wait, no, it looks like Dr. Eddie said “MORE HYSTERIA:“. Let’s see what he means by that.
Oh, this old story. We were all taught in school how Henry Ford had to innovate around the rise of terrified automobile hunters. Millions of dollars (threes of millions in today’s money) were spent on the classic Ford ad campaign, “They Aren’t Monsters, They Are Cars– Machines Similar To Horses In Some Ways; It Is The Soggies You Must Fear.”
I think we get it. We all assume we’re smarter than someone, and in order for that to be true for Dr. Eddie Vuittonet Ph.D., he had to invent the ancient car hunters of Dinosaur Bird County. And it’s wonderful. Fantastic. I’m glad he did it. But it raises the question: what the goddamn fucking shit? This multiple mule kick survivor has a Ph.D.? Let’s skip to the ABOUT THE AUTHOR section.
Okay, that’s a disguise, possibly on a balloon or an ape, which would explain some of this. Not all of it, of course. This isn’t how a writer describes themselves. This is more like a template for a human-like thing to get started. “The author is interested in things and places. And if you read between the lines, wink, you’re looking at a guy who also likes subjects and locations.” This is why the other aliens don’t let you do the talking, Phausbddibidbidasushaci.
Let’s keep reading and see if his bio gets any bett– oh, fuck yeah:
He’s got his own martial art style! I have to look this up.
It’s real! And it’s even better! His style is for men only, and it’s just Yubiwaza, the comic book art of poking pressure points! I’m so happy. Finding out the bird maniac is also a touch karate maniac is the exact gift I wanted. Plus it explains his fear of birds– he is only trained on the death meridians of man. The dim mak is useless against a swooping flurry of talons and feathers!
Ha ha his karate taught him to write like this? Then I have never felt safer calling someone a fucking idiot. You can’t be all “Krav Mazoo is what taught me to turn my words into blades” and then use your eggborn paws to type “pubic fear is alaming overheard bird stories, I am a doctor.” You fucking idiot.
In the ’90s, Dr. Eddie gave up his martial arts career to dedicate his keen fac checking skills to words and art of all sorts. I looked him up to see what products he offered, but his website “mynetmuffin.com” forwarded me to the URL “greatsolutions4u.com” which is no longer online, but looked like this:
This sentence shouldn’t help anyone understand anything, but with the help of Pervert Pantyhose Captain America, Dr. Eddie sold collectible Presidential shapes, signed and dated by him, an unknown retired karate maniac. His site had its own Clippy, a superhero who would offer [username] hot savings if you clicked his dick. None of this is alaming. If I would have asked you if this author had a bizarre dropshipping and NFT website, you would have said, “Yeah, it’d be weird if he didn’t.” I think we’re all more interested in how a man this uneducated ended up with a doctorate. Let’s find his LinkedIn.
He got his Ph.D. from “External degree?” Does that mean it’s fake or from a dimension outside our ow– hold the fuck on, did the University of Texas-Pan American give him a Black Belt!? Wait, forget that. Did he list “Mexican nights” at a local restaurant as an extracurricular activity? This guy is the fucking best.
It looks like he also makes 3d animation, and he’s selling a “FULL LENGHT” movie called ETAL for $3.50. It’s about hot girl operatives taking down a New York terrorist cell, which does not explain the skeleton demons, and I don’t care.
He also has a YouTube channel where he does comedy(?) videos, like “Give me the cat!”. They are aggressively untethered from reason, and he has the comic timing of an eczema outbreak. Much like his horny skeleton fighters and commemorative superhero Nixon licensed art tokens, they’re what you’d expect from a karate master hiding from birds. Are these words still making sense? I’m worried the act of describing “Dr.” Eddie Vuittonet was a trap to destroy language and I walked right int– oh, shit! A video for his karate lessons!
It’s pretty long, so I sped it up 50x. It stars Jessabell and Ash, two sexy lady soldiers from his animated movie. They let you know “Dr.” Eddie is back from a “12 year absence from the professional circuit.” Because on top of everything else, this guy is doing a Frank Dux! He’s claiming, I think, to have won multiple secret underground ninja tournaments starting in the ’70s and continuing until… 1998? The porn commandos describe him as “the internationally known 10th degree red belt” of Muryo Waza. Oh my god, there are so many videos… how am I going to finish this article about his prehistor– HE HAS A RAP THEME SONG ABOUT HIMSELF.
“The Ballad of Eddie Vuittonet” is about how no one in the ’70s was ready for the combination of kung fu and karate he learned from the comic book ads of the ’60s. And not only can he not rap, I’m not sure he know when rhymes are supposed to ha– SHUT THE FUCK UP, HE HAS A BAND.
The band Eddie Vuittonet and The Time Travelers seems to be just Eddie Vuittonet singing to karaoke tracks, so either the Time Travelers are actual time travelers who went to 1980s Korea to be studio musicians or it’s an invitation to any future Eddie Vuittonets to join him here in the safest, most prehistoric birdless timeline.
I was a little disappointed to learn “Dr.” Eddie and the nobodies were mostly a cover band and not a karate band, but you haven’t seen vulnerable until you’ve seen a man incoherently afraid of pelicans sing “Say Something I’m Giving Up On You.”
Guys, do you know what I forgot about? PREHISTORIC BIRDS IN MODERN TIMES. Let’s get back to the book.
In early 1976, two teens saw a gorilla-faced “bird” and three teachers saw a pterodactyl. “That’s probably enough details,” thought the doctor who explained what “being scared” was for five pages of his book, or nearly 40 words.
Sixteen years earlier, only a few states away, a couple in a forest looked up and saw a bird. “Wait, no, it was a pterodactyl,” they said later. In the prehistoric bird world, we call this kind of story “pterodac-tight” because no skeptic can deny it. It is tighter than the vocals on Eddie Vuittonet and the Time Travelers’ cover of “Groovy Kind of Love.” You shouldn’t need more proof than this, and yet listen to this story of an actual dinosaur who, for only a brief moment, fluttered among man:
The only problems I have with this story, and they’re admittedly small, are that it takes millions of years to get trapped in limestone, and then another 65 million years to wait after the Cretaceous period to pop out and croak at railway workers, and I don’t think pterodactyls live that long. If this author didn’t have a Ph.D. from External degree, I’d swear he was a fucking idiot.
In 1890 a group of men shot down a dinosaur. They took a photo of it, but the paranormal community can’t remember where they saw it. Facebook, maybe? It could have been a t-shirt, theorize other researchers.
Speaking of Facebook, let’s do a racist boomer one. This is a story of a native who dared enter the forbidden dinosaur region of a forest, and sure enough, he got impaled on the beak of some kind of… strange bird.
The native carefully looked through the book of animal pictures and made a point to tell the colonizers, “I want everyone to see I understand the concept of books. Like when I look at this giraffe I know it is not a demon you’ve trapped inside this devil you call ‘paper.’ In fact, my nude, superstitious people utilize a similar technology in our savage caves. ‘Art,’ we call it. But god damn it, if I turn this page and see a drawing of the dinosaur that bit me I’m going to forget everything I just said and run into the night, away from what I will insanely assume is an actual monst– OH FUCK PTERODACTYLE! PTERODACTYL!!!“
Wait, what the hell? These are the same teachers who saw a pterodactyl from earlier. Did “Dr.” Eddie forget he told this story, or was he hoping we did? And now he’s embellishing it with this encyclopedia bullshit? They’re elementary school teachers and they had to look up “pterodactyl?” That’s like a prehistoric bird book author claiming he had to look up the best way to get pee stains out of underpants. A ridiculous lie from a pee-soaked liar.
What the goddamn fuck, “Dr.” Eddie? You’re telling the same story of the guys who shot a pterodactyl again? And now instead of being able to find the photo the newspaper article has disappeared? It wasn’t enough that a prehistoric monster was shot down and no trace of it remains; the newspaper article about it has to be mysterious? Can you seriously not wait for your nephew to come over and help fix your Internet before publishing your dinosaur book?
By the way, it isn’t “elusive,” doctor. You powerline-brained ape. It’s the first thing you get when you Google “Tombstone” and any combination of bird, dinosaur, or pterodactyl, Eddie!
Okay, we’re coming to the end, and here on page… I don’t know, thirty? Eddie casually drops a story about a miniature zombie pterodactyl who hunts corpse meat at New Guinea funerals. But his heart isn’t in it. He’s told and retold all these stories of massive flying reptiles, possible pelicans, definitely Thunderbirds, and for this third-hand, mid-level bat sighting he can barely manage any enthusiasm. “Pffff… I don’t know, it looks much like a rhamphorhynchoid,” he says. “Like a goddamn what,” it would be fair to counter with.
In the end, the only proof of this rhamphorhynchoid is “physical evidence,” an adorable misunderstanding of every part of science and language. He’s spent an entire book writing bird watching fan fiction, forgetting where he saw proof for long-debunked pterodactyl stories, and questioning the existence of real birds. And after all that, has he still managed to stupidly believe all these impossible, dumbass stories are true?
YES!
Special thanks to Troy Ryan Wood for discovering “Dr.” Eddie.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Josh S, who is called shuchapaboodathong in bird language. It means “Land Josh.”