My favorite “Once you see it, you can’t unsee it” in all of pop culture is the Holiday Dog Movie Fuck Mansion.
If you venture into the deepest, darkest dregs of the video streaming services, like if you scroll to the second row of “Trending Movies” on Amazon Prime, you may spot the Holiday Dog Movie Fuck Mansion or, if the legends are true, find yourself trapped inside it for all eternity.
You’ll find it among the glut of “so cheap they’re legitimately depressing” movies that streaming services use to fill out their fractured and dilapidated libraries. These usually consist of a bunch of part-time actors, plus Dean Cain, improvising painful comedy dialogue in a rented location for 80 minutes while someone records it with their Blackberry. You’ve definitely browsed past these movies even if you’ve never stopped to watch one — they’re usually optimized with thumbnails and titles intended to trick old people, which apparently means combining animals and holidays:
Note that some of these movies do not actually feature the dog you see in the thumbnail, or in some cases, any dog at all. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today. Here is a random screen grab of 2013’s An Easter Bunny Puppy, I’m not going to bother explaining the plot because that would just slow us down:
Instead, I want you to focus on the background. There’s a curving staircase and what appears to be a red car but it’s actually a car that’s been converted into a chair. I know this, because I’ve seen it in other, similar works, such as 2011’s A Christmas Puppy (which at some point was retitled to A Christmas Spirit after someone presumably complained that the titular puppy is just two shots of a random dog sitting on its bed and not interacting with the plot in any way):
You see the stairs and the car, of course, but I want you to note some other details: The bookcase, the black leather sofas. So with that, here are three super-nude women using that very car, in that very house, to form a human pornipede:
That is a still from the 2013 porno Serena the Sexplorer. All three of these movies, plus many others, were shot in a house in Malibu that for a period of time (between 2011-2013, I believe) was used for a whole bunch of low-rent productions that were either A) wholesome dog-holiday movies or B) some nasty Cinemax-grade pornography.
I can tell you exactly where that house is, by the way — the location is publicly listed on IMDB. You can even check out the listing on Zillow — it’s estimated to be worth $3.7 million and has six bedrooms. Speaking of which, here’s the mom and dad from A Christmas Puppy/Spirit cuddling in bed after learning that their love is the greatest gift of all:
And here are a couple of porn professionals in the 2011 Asylum fuckventure Barely Legal learning the exact same lesson on WHAT MAY BE THE SAME SHEETS:
And here are two women taking the same emotional journey in Serena the Sexplorer:
I don’t know how many movies were shot in the Holiday Dog Movie Fuck Mansion — that IMDB listing I linked earlier includes 24 titles, including an episode of Tim and Eric from Season 4 …
… but that list seems to omit the more hard core stuff (Serena the Sexplorer isn’t on the list, for example). And that’s the fun of the Holiday Dog Movie Fuck Mansion; you and your family can all be gathered in the living room browsing around the saddest bargain bin sections of the free streaming services like Bloopi or Tubo and suddenly you’re startling everyone by bolting upright and shouting, “Holy shit, there’s that red car chair! This is the house where they shot a bunch of dog holiday movies, in addition to this porno we’re all currently watching!”
Or, you’ll be flipping around cable in the wee hours of the morning and you’ll see a happy white middle-class family learning some valuable lesson about the true meaning of St. Patrick’s Day or some shit on the leather sofa next to the fireplace…
…and know that a bunch of porn people got their fuck on right on that same piece of furniture in a scene that, for all we know, was shot that same weekend. What are the procedures for disinfecting that furniture? What could ever be enough?
We could do this all day, but I know your time is precious:
I know what you’re asking. “Jason, you asshole, are there ever any scenes where those happy families use the kitchen to prepare a holiday meal, or dye Easter eggs?” Of course:
“Let me finish, you piece of shit. Are there then scenes in the pornos in which nasty porn people fuck on those very same counters, perhaps just minutes before those cooking scenes were filmed?”
Sorry to disappoint you, but I haven’t found any yet. If you run across a Holiday Dog Movie Fuck Mansion movie that features some hot, sticky counter-porking, please send video evidence to Brockway so he can update this piece.
Before I go, I should let you know that if you want to go really deep down the rabbit hole, you can take a gander at the real estate listing of that house and kind of see a tragic tale play out in the sell history. Somebody bought it back in 2001 for $1.8 million, tried to sell it in the spring of 2011 for two million but apparently failed to find a buyer and pulled the listing.
It appears — and this is just my educated guess — that after realizing they couldn’t move that albatross of a house in a down real estate market, they decided they had to do something to make ends meet. At that point, I imagine the entire family gathered for a brainstorming session: How can they make some quick cash off of a giant, lavish Malibu property they can no longer afford? Maybe rent it out for weddings? Burn it down for the insurance money?
Then someone, perhaps one of their children, or maybe grandma, silently strode up to the whiteboard and wrote five simple words.
Jason “David Wong” Pargin was the ex-executive editor at Cracked.com and is now a full time novelist, his violent sci-fi adventure Zoey Punches the Future in the Dick is up for pre-order now! Or buy one of his previous books, they’re all pretty good.