Tag: sex

Last year I covered Dick Fight Island, a gay manga about an all-male sex kumite whose prize is the rulership of a secret island nation. The rules are simple: Whoever cums first, loses. I don’t think I’m overstating anything when I say Dick Fight Island changed the way the whole world looks at all dicks, most fights, and some islands. I went in to mock it, and it completely won me over. I’m not joking when I say I am a proud member of the Dick Fight Island mailing list. I get the Dick Fight news first, because I am a journalist, and I am on the frontlines of what matters.

So I’m very happy to tell you it’s here, the day is finally here:

This cover illustration is titled “Wave of Buttocks” and yes, of course it’s a wraparound. 

Welcome to Dick Fight Island, readers. It is located in the middle of a sea of disassociated man-parts floating in a homeopathic semen solution. It is only accessible by Dickboat, a traditional canoe used by the natives that one steers with their- well, you can probably guess.

Please leave your preconceptions at the door: Dick Fight Island, Part 2 is not the book you expect, need, or even want. There is no dick fighting in Dick Fight Island, Part 2. I know, I threw it at the wall and wailed until the neighbors had to check on me, too. I was so upset I didn’t even want to give the book a chance, but I’m glad I did. Because we need to know all of this to prepare for Dick Fight Island, Part 3: Fight, Dick Island! 

While Dick Fight Island, Part 2 may tease us with the dick fighting, it does give it to us balls-deep with the Dick Fight Island Lore. The book catches up with all of last year’s combatants through slice-of-life stories that don’t advance any central plot, but do advance the art of ass-blasting. Harto was our main character in Dick Fight Island, a beautiful naive boy who left the island to explore the outside world and came back with a secret technique: Anal sex! Dick Fight Island, despite being a culture based entirely around man-on-man sexwar, had simply never invented butt stuff. Harto got far with it, but did not win the contest. He did wildly disrupt the entire culture of his country though, where anal fingering was something akin to the industrial revolution. 

For his storyline in Part 2, we flashback to the time he met his outworld boyfriend, Matthew, who taught him the forbidden dim mak of prostate massage. 

Harto is a fighter to the core, and so he processes all sex as a battle. His post-coital care is assuring Matthew that he fucks like a terrifying warrior who would dominate his native land, and to be fair, that’s all a man wants to hear after sex. 

Don’t look for big changes in Part 2: There is not a Dick Fight Revolution, for instance, where steadfast ball-ticklers refute the legitimacy of an assblasting contest and seek to nullify the results and overthrow the government. That’s my fanfiction, and you can’t have it. Dick Fight Island, Part 2 is all about character and a lot of dickbuilding, which if you’re new here, is worldbuilding, but for dicks. Maybe you could have guessed that.

Anyway, not only did Harto model in the outside world, but Dick Fight Island has an official clothing brand:

As near as I can tell, that is not a real brand. I mean, it can’t be – it would be insane if The Gap sponsored Dick Fight Island and was like “make sure our logo is prominent in at least eight panels and one two-page splash – and try to work in something about how our sweaters are specially woven to absorb the most semen. Thrust into The Gap!” That means Grenat serves one purpose: To flesh out the rich world of Dick Fight Island. I told you: Prime dickbuilding.

Harto is your classic fish out of water at first, and there are so many delightful misunderstandings. Like when he quickdraws his asshole open during a nice dinner:

It would have won him two points in Documental, but here it just nets him an admonishment from Matthew, who does want to pound that ass, he does want that, but perhaps not over a taco platter. Matthew is so thrown by Harto’s alienness that he can’t act on his attraction. It’s like a beautiful mute redhead, so simple she doesn’t know what forks are, wandering out of the sea and into your arms. You can’t fuck that. That’s a crime.

But when Harto accidentally sees Matthew flexing shaft in his Grenats – “Grenat, the only boxer with shaft highlighting technology!” – something ignites inside him. 

Remember: These Dick Fighters do not necessarily think of themselves as gay. Sucking off another man is a noble and sacred ritual battle. They’re so not gay they didn’t even invent butt stuff, and now their whole society reels from its introduction! But Harto can’t shake this lust. He feels something for Matthew. It’s like… it’s like he wants to dick fight him even though the rulership of a country is not on the line. What could it possibly mean?!

Harto touches himself, instantly ejaculates, and immediately hates himself for being so weak. This is crazy, but it turns out that when you teach kids that cumming is losing and then replace democracy with jack-off battles, that does create some mental health issues. 

This sexual tension builds until one day Harto slips and winds up bare-assed in Matthew’s lap – you know, classic everyday roommate blunders.

That’s when he realizes Matthew wants to dick fight, too! Finally, Harto has it figured out. There’s only one thing this can mean: Matthew wants to be his Dick Fight Trainer! Matthew just doesn’t know what dick fighting is, the idiot, so he can’t explain his needs properly. Harto will help him!

Of course, Matthew doesn’t like to admit he wants to nail an unfrozen caveman goggling at traffic and terrified of electric light, so Harto wages an absolute war of sexual attrition on Matthew’s willpower. 

Finally, Matthew is ready for the truth: The man he’s attracted to is actually part of an elite warrior squad that has trained his whole life for a competitive masturbation competition. 

This is an impossible ethical sex dilemma on dozens of levels. It is the exact spell woven into the cooling Earth that will one day unravel Dr. Ruth. Nobody tell her, it is not yet her time!

Matthew is ready to relent, and help train Harto. He’s a little dismayed that Harto is a professional dickmaster and has never been defeated by an orgasm – he can feel the lockjaw building up already – but Matthew’s so hard up he’s willing to put in those throat hours.

And then…

After one touch…

Harto cums.

There is no more embarrassing sex problem than this. You just sat your lover down and carefully explained that you were from a special island that never prematurely ejaculates, and on that island, you are the king of not prematurely ejaculating. They have to be thinking “this is an insane thing to say before fucking; they must have a problem with premature ejaculation.” And then you prematurely ejaculate. 

But no, Matthew believes the excuse perfectly – the longest and most elaborate “this never happens to me!” in recorded history, and he buys it outright, no prompting. He carefully explains to Harto why he lost, and we actually get to see it! The moment! THE moment!

That fateful moment the very first Dick Fighter realized the power of Butt Stuff! Of course Harto processes it as a vulnerability within the ass, because he’s a warrior. He just found the flashing weak point of every boss he’ll ever fight, and it’s conveniently located up the butthole.

Now it’s time for Matthew to show him a whole new world… of anal sex.

I love it so much. This is the panel that won me over: Harto has Goku syndrome so bad. Hit Goku with a car and he’ll thank you for the training. Harto is the same way about sex. He’s a purebred fuck dope. He can’t help but experience all of life as a series of things related to dickfighting. You show him a dildo and he sees a training dummy, you show him lube and he sees a weapon, you show him hardcore gay pornography and he sees two noble warriors unwilling to admit defeat. 

Again, Matthew, if you show somebody pornography for the first time and they ask if those two people are wrestling – you are not allowed to fuck that. I don’t care what they look like, they mentally categorize sex as a fight and the odds they’re from a secret island nation that chooses its ruler based on dong battles and not just processing a bad upbringing the best way they know how are criminally low. 

Matthew and Harto frolic, they fuck, they fall in love – well, they do, but Harto doesn’t know that yet. He can only understand love as the inability to defeat a man in dong combat. 

Don’t worry – Matthew gets his comeuppance. He falls fully in love with Harto, so he makes a tender confession and a gentle request…

…and then the postscript tells us Harto thinks that’s great, but it’s no Dickfighting. Haha, he makes them wait two years just to call it a relationship! All so it won’t interfere with the competition where he fucks several other men into the dirt!

This is what you get for taking advantage of purebred fuck dopes, Matthew.

Next is a vignette catching up with Roro, king of the Earth Clan, cursed with a freakish dick that never stops growing. It’s like Rapunzel, but instead of hair, it’s a huge throbbing hog, and instead of you using it to rescue him, you are in a lot of trouble when he tosses it out. Roro nearly won the last Dick Fight, but was defeated in the last round because he was secretly in love with his opponent’s spouse and getting reverse-cucked in public was the hidden fetish he never knew he had, and discovered at the worst possible moment. Like finding out you’re a foot guy while fitting Stalin’s daughter for funeral shoes. 

Roro is visiting the Moon Clan, but he doesn’t seem very into the idea of meeting Bulan, their chosen warrior he faced in the competition. Bulan lost to Roro, but he was immediately infatuated with The Dick That Should Not Be. Obsessed, even. It was not reciprocated. The Moon Clan chieftain notices Roro’s reluctance… and decides he and Bulan should stay the night together. No reasoning. The king is bored and there clearly ain’t no TV on Dick Fight Island, or they would’ve learned all about assblasting from reruns of Caroline in the City.

Here’s some more vital Dick Lore, you will need this for setup: The Moon Clan kept it so tight they had to move to the ass end of the earth to protect their ass ends. 

Please note this in your Dick Fight Atlases, it’s important.

Roro heads up to Bulan’s place just as a blizzard rolls in, stranding him with his stalker. If you recognize this as the setup to a horror movie, prepare to be very uncomfortable with the way the rest of this tale unfolds. 

Bulan’s parents actually died in a blizzard on a night just like this – and here’s the point where you run, Roro! You should not still be around to hear that Bulan was saved by a mystical stag only he could see. That’s the other part where you run, Roro! Shit! If you get any sketchy vibes whatsoever and somebody says “it was a night just like this” – you get the fuck out of the house. You should be a Roro-shaped hole in the wall by the time they say there are certain beasts only they can see. That ghost animal bit? That’s not even a hint to flee anymore. That’s a courtesy call, that’s how a dickmurderer lets you know you should void your bowels on your own terms before death does it for you. 

And then Bulan drops the clincher:

Mads Mikkelsen got an Emmy for delivering that line. That is a man who wants to eat your testicles and I am not exaggerating anymore: Bulan wants to kill and eat his savior stag, just like he wants to “devour” Roro’s testicles to steal his vitality.

Roro is so deeply not into this. He protests that he doesn’t even dick fight anymore – there’s no need for this training! Poor, simple Roro. A king in his way, a child in others. He doesn’t know he’s in a horror film. This is a beat-by-beat reboot of Misery, except for instead of breaking his ankles, Kathy Bates deepthroats James Caan to completion. 

Roro flees into the blizzard, deciding he’d rather face death than this… this unwelcome… training! It feels like there should be another word for that, but Dick Fight Island never invented it! And Roro’s such a gentle soul he mostly worries that if this goes on, his monster hog would split this Twink into at least thirds. At least! 

While I disagree with the implicit morality of this entire story, I do have to admit the ending is airtight. Roro falls in the blizzard and needs rescuing, which Bulan does. Bulan’s own tribe has a policy against saving those who fall in blizzards, because it’s too risky to the rescuers. That’s why nobody came for his parents that night. That’s why that stag saved him, but now… he gets to save the stag. It’s solid structure, it’s a good emotional arc for Bulan, and I would be much more comfortable with the whole thing if we weren’t just a few pages removed from him screaming-

EAT THE TESTICLES!

TAKE IN THEIR VIGOR!

AND LET ME SEE YOU COME!

…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Jacob Thornburg, who for legal purposes does not endorse Dick Fight Island, but may endorse other, much worse Organ Fight Islands.