Hi, I’m Sean Reiley, but if you’ve seen my work at Cracked.com, Electronic Gaming Monthly, or any of your favorite magazines, Internets, or television shows, you know me as Seanbaby. And, of course, if you’re on BlackSinglesMeet you know me as Penetration Kenny. It’s REFLECTING DAY, and though sincerity is not one of my interests, it is with actual, real enthusiasm I introduce you to the 1-900-HOTDOG joke delivery platform.
For decades I’ve been collecting artifacts from the wrong dimension– books and videos on how to kill with sign language, detect vampire coworkers, or hypnotize yourself into having bigger tits. These things drop into our world from a pla̸͖͔̓͛c̸͕̾͜e̷̹̹̐ we can’t contact; from cr̷͉̒͂͜e̴͕͘a̵̫̓t̶̟͓͗ors whose madness shouldn’t be possible. And with my partner, Cracked.com editor and word puncher, Robert Brockway, we developed 1-900-HOTDOG as a place where beefy, sexy language dominators can put these broken objects into perspective.
Let’s talk about modern media. First off, everything written on the Internet gives Google and Twitter several cents and nobody else anything. If creators are lucky enough to become popular and talented enough to stay popular, they get to shift their focus from making things to chasing user trends and reconfiguring their creative goals around search engine optimization. This period of successful but compromised art will continue for several weeks before a larger media outlet buys them. This will be great news for the 2 to 3 executives who receive acquisition bonuses and bad news for everyone else who loses their job and favorite website. It’s a system that ruins as many things for as many people in a race to get all the money in a single spot so one asshole can look at it. Which brings me to the groundbreaking, industry-saving business model of 1-900-HOTDOG: come here every day for jokes and together we will hide the joke money from the one asshole trying to get it all.
Your support will let us focus on making hilarity and uncovering more lost artifacts from beyond our reasoning. Trading off days each week, Brockway and I will use our expertise to keep the derangement confined under the umbrellas of the seven aspects of the hot dog: Learning, Punching, Nerding, Fucking, Upsetting, Reflecting, and Teamworking. Beings may one day invent a better way to categorize comedy, but such creatures will certainly be beyond our understanding. For now, and easily until the fall of man, 1-900-HOTDOG will act as the supreme form of daily content distribution.
Saturdays, like this one, are for reflection and outreach. We’ll answer emails, give behind-the-scenes looks, maybe even share things we unironically enjoy. We are men of impenetrable absurdity, but it’s important to anchor yourself to normalcy on occasion, especially when dealing with so much savage, concentrated unnormal.
With your help, we may also be able to uncover the secret of Poxco Glo̸̢͓͂b̵̹̟̆al, an affiliate we don’t remember affiliating with that seems to exist only on a receipt I found in tennis book written by Bill Cosby. Brockway gets emails from them, but all they send me is spurting eye blood whenever I resist.
Their motives are impenetrable and their methods are unpredictable. We sent our writer’s assistant, a useless piece of shit named Pants Chapley, to inves̴̛̖̀ẗ̸̗̭̭́͗̕ḯ̸̫̭̭ģ̵̪̑̄a̷̧̟̗̐ you will remember no such person as Pants Chapley. Pants Chapley never was. Pants Chapley never was. This Poxco Global-brand content was not generated from his digitized soul:
Should we survive, we will be here five (or more) days a week inoculating you against the darkness as it births its abominations into our culture. As a team, we will smash the insanities and failures of the Wrong into delight. We will turn their broken universe ratfuckery into a source of daily comfort for you and others with your refined taste in comedy. We are 1-900-HOTDOG, designed by the finest beef engineers to fuck the unfun out of any face. We love you.
In adequate remembrance of Pą̸̥̠̠͓͈̲͖̗̞̮͍̥̙̙͂̒̀̎̄ṋ̷̖͈̣̤̫̟̙̗̞̭̺̹̮͑͊͂͗͆͜t̶̡̯̭̱͍̪͕̦̪̲͒͒̈́̓̔̎̋̕͜s ̷͔̳̗̞̓͐̆́̀̌̋̅̉͌͗͂̿̓͑͝ͅCh̶̰̱͓̰̭̞̳͕̰̤̽̾͋͌̔́̈̆̇͊̇̔̉͘͝͝͝͝ͅa̷̡̡̡̢̺̟̩͕͖̬͓̩̘̱̻̠̩̥̣̋̅̓̈́͊̐͑̓̀͘̕͠p̷̡̺̼̻̋̀̇͐̍̀͌́͋̈́̔̿́͝ḽ̶̼̜̜̖̙̟̩̮̖̗̺͎̣̹͓̱̅̈̆̌͒̑̑̈́̒̒̕̚͜͠͝͝ͅe̶̡̨̻͓̗̦̤̭̣̿̾̂̉̿̉̋̐́͒͘ͅy̸̡̡̲̩̻͇̘̹͔̖͂̌͊̄̈́̄̿͝͝͝.