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UPSETTING DAY

Upsetting Day: 1,003 Great Things About Being A Woman

Let’s talk women, ladies, and all the things that make women “Great!” Shoes! Underpants! Shoes! Shoes! Can you name 999 more? Stop, don’t bother! In 2005, “authors” Lisa Birnbach, Ann Hodgman, and Patricia Marx already did it! Their shitlike but feminine minds wrote the definitive guide to dingbat stream-of-consciousness, 1,003 Great Things About Being a Woman.

Lisa, Ann, and Patricia never tell the reader who wrote which ones, but there are three distinct styles in the book. One of the lady authors thought it was her job to just list tired gender stereotypes without context or comedy. I think her goal was to create a collection of lady driver references so joyless it could be sent back in time to undo Steve Harvey. Speaking of tired gender stereotypes, one of the ladies is the kind you find in any group of women two or larger: horny as fuck. She is single-minded in her interest, and it’s cock, yummy and now. And finally, one of the ladies is 107 years old and her brain is misfiring as it accesses ancient pop culture references and debunked social theories.

In what might be a stupid-fucking-tidbit-book record, Lisa, Ann, and Patricia exhaust their premise 2% into the writing of their book. It’s page 11 and their idea of “great things” has turned into trying to think of the female sidekicks from cartoons and nursery rhymes. And it doesn’t even make sense. “Without Olive Oil, Popeye wouldn’t have eaten his spinach?” She doesn’t have anything to do with his spinach. That’s just an unrelated element of the show. It’s like saying “Without Wonder Woman, Superman couldn’t Aquaman and Garfield!” It’s like Olive Oil having sex with a gorilla after a murder rampage and saying, “I did something!”

Thank your local women for “for annoying child actors” and “hell.” And again, fantastic job on the book, ladies. Terrific stuff. Pointless, but not “funny” pointless. Technically words, but not “meaningful.” Congratulations, Lisa, Ann, and Patricia. Most doctors would never be brave enough to put their patients’ dementia on display like this.

This one is a good look inside Lisa, Ann, and Patricia’s creative process. Because if you’re idiots listing female side characters from TV and history to frantically fill a book called 1,003 Great Things About Being a Woman, Eve is going to occur to you. And then it’s time to brainstorm what makes Eve great. “She’s made out of a rib? Two of the numbers from my childhood address followed by a sharp pain in my arm? I say we go with the rib one.” Many fools will live their entire lives and never say anything this useless or dumb. This is nothing. This is not the start of an idea; this is not helpful or cute to any person real or imaginary. Fuck this world for allowing anyone to be this bad at anything without breaking any international laws.

Sure! Who knows? Lisa, Ann, and Patricia don’t! They’re not sure why they brought it up! Or kept it in the book! Or which 4 o’clock it is right now! Or if their nurses are robots like Greta Garbo told them in a dream!

These women barely have a handle on one language and now they’re bragging about how easy it would be for them to learn a second one. Like Ann Hodgman is going to take Aramaic night classes after her nephew comes over to show her again how to add the little flower in a Wordstar document.

Yes, we heard. Truly, the wonders of the female mind are limitless.

Wait. S-so your husband doesn’t? Either these women are randomly hitting typewriter shapes to see what happens or Ann just confessed her child is the product of adultery.

It could be argued women get the better deal in polygamy? Followed by no argument? Hold on, do these three women share a husband? And they’re hoping someone, maybe outside this circle of sister wives, could make a good case for polygamy? “Look, it’d take someone smarter than me to explain why it’s great, but I’m one of the top six servant holes in a pretty exclusive sex cult.”

This is a really positive spin to put on your bitch ass high-jump, Ann.

Jesus Christ, we are 24 pages in and they’re already so out of ideas they’re listing their physical defects. Well, not the defects themselves, but their ability to detect asymmetry? They have droopy eyes? At least one of them has a-a… some kind of long foot? The minds of these three ladies are fucking done with 292 pages to go. This is like signing up for a marathon and shitting out all your blood on the way to your car.

Oh, this is the catty side I was hoping to see out of you ladies! You are bad. This will teach Shelly, that insecure bitch, why she should have confided in you about her low self-esteem!

Well, except Shelly. Fuck you, Shelly! You ruined everything again!

And Shelly knows while she’s up there getting married you goddamn bitches are back there whispering about how she’s definitely pregnant. “I’m so fucking fat,” she thinks on the happiest day of her life.

I know we’re only screwing around here, but I think it’s important to take a step back and remember: this is a book listing reasons women are great and Lisa, Ann, and Patricia chose to include “sometimes we have a hunch babies are boys.” Let me be clear: if the universe allows anything less related to female empowerment than that to appear in a book called “1,003 Great Things About Being a Woman,” it will prove, definitively, we are ruled by nothing but chaos.

“There is no God and we have proven it.”

– Lisa Birnbach, Ann Hodgman, Patricia Marx

Look, I know this is an embarrassing level of horny, but when Senator Joe Biden fucks you in your dreams, you write it down and publish it in a list of feminine achievements. “I haven’t had a chance to read the latest pages yet, but I’ll get back to you after the weekend,” said this book’s editor before dying on a boat trip.

I’m not well educated in gender studies, so I don’t know what’s happening here. Is this like a story? Did one of them have a straw hat with… I swear I’m reading this wrong, w-with fake hair attached to it? And then they lit one of their heads on fire to lure single men from the nearby firehouse? Am I interpreting this correctly? And if not, what the fuck are these ladies talking about? You horny idiots, can you not think straight near the word “fireman?” And, of course, there are socks with false teeth in them. Firemen bring both balls to the bathtub. Oh great, now I’m doing it.

I honestly don’t know enough about panty girdles to know if these facts are great or irrelevant. My gut tells me one of these authors had to pee while she was trying to remember which talkies had girls in them and she put that inspiration into her writing.

This one is kind of fun. Men get cancer in their ass and have to watch each other pee. “Not us ladies,” say Lisa, Ann, and Patricia!

When I consider all the things that set women apart from men, “eligible to fight in the U.S. military” might make my top 4.008, but definitely not my top 1,003. Honestly, if I had to write this book the whole thing would be Susan B. Anthony jokes. Just offensive nonsense about how she’s some lady on the shittiest dollar and nothing else.

Oh my god, yes! Precisely this! This was my exact terrible idea, Lisa, Ann, and Patricia!

I know this one, Patricia. “You point a gun at his panda!”

PATRICIA: Gals, I think we should do an entry about Sex and the City.

ANN: I never watched it, but I heard it was a very popular show.

PATRICIA: Oh my god, Ann. Ann, say that again.

ANN: What?

PATRICIA: Say that. The fuck. Again.

ANN: That, um, it was a very popular show?

PATRICIA: That’s it! That’s the entry right there!Sex and the City was a very popular show.” Ann, you magnificent slut!

Picture yourself as a teacher teaching any grade in any country with any level of advanced placement or special needs. You ask your class “What are some things that make women great?”

A kid raises their hand and goes, “WHY DO THEY LIKE TRUCKS SO MUCH?” 

The kid asking that, without question, would be the dumbest piece of shit to ever disrupt your classroom, right? You would instantly know that child was going to die from an aerosol overdose. You would quote “WHY DO THEY LIKE TRUCKS SO MUCH” while trading drunk stories with other teachers about their dumb pieces of shit. And yet here, in this written book by three professional adult authors, nobody thought it seemed out of place.

It’s the battle of the sexes and the stakes could not be higher! Men are in the lead after liking trucks so much for some reason, but women answer back with how their houses aren’t really clean! Then the ladies follow up with how they, if reminded, will send postcards to their nieces and nephews at camp! Women win again!

Okay, I am choosing this word very carefully here, ladies: lol

Look at the balls on these women. They have all the intellectual curiosity of elephant seal cows waiting their turn to get impregnated and they’re quoting Charlotte Bronte like she was talking about them. They led into this quote about the gender-spanning power of the written word with the words “You finally found the perfect red T-shirt!” It’s beyond the scope of irony. This is like John Travolta telling you to always be yourself while your dick disappears into his face’s elaborate disguise.

Dear Ms. Birnbach, Ms. Hodgman, and Patricia,

We have had a chance to go over your writing packet and while it shows promise, there are no current openings on our staff. However, we can offer market rate of $29 for your joke about women’s magazines and Jell-O.

– The Office of Bill Maher

Lesser authors of a “Great Things About Women” book would have simply written random facts like “panty girdles proved control and comfort!” or “we don’t get prostate diseases!” But Lisa, Ann, and Patricia? They put in the work. They scoured lady medical journals for weeks to see if there were any health complications related to smoking, and since they’re the best– they found one.

This book was published in 2005 when any of the three women or an editor could have used Google to verify a claim like this. I promise I didn’t go into this book thinking I was going to debunk the idea of women being great, but:

The danger of this kind of error is that now I have to reconsider everything these women have taught me. Is this red T-shirt I found not perfect? Were some of those firemen I fucked married? Is the real question why they DON’T like trucks so much!?

Living through an era of chastity belts might explain why Ann can’t go three entries without mentioning rough hands and wet penises (I think I’m starting to figure out which lady is which!).

“We’re too ugly to be eaten! The side effects of menopause are good, actually! Ladies, I don’t feel so good? Good is a weird word, group cycles, where am I, Jane Austen! Jane Austen!”

Okay, no more jokes. I think Lisa had a stroke.

Oh no. Patricia, hang on! Someone help them! Don’t let them keep typing through these brain seizures! This is the most humiliating way anyone has ever died!

Please! Please!! Whatever your motivation, there has to be a more ethical way to collect data on dying brains than this! Surely some of Hitler’s scientists kept notes you could use!

I’m sorry I made fun of you Lisa, Ann, and Patricia! No one deserves to go out like this… confused and alone, punching every stray thought into a typewriter. I’m so sorry!

Ha ha this one is pretty good. She burned to death.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme, Benjamin Sairanen: Who can actually tell you the single greatest thing about being a woman, though the forbidden knowledge has driven him quite mad.