The Worst Day to Have Sex

Every nine seconds a horny dingbat publishes a book of daily sexual positions. More than any other product cluttering thrift stores and landfills, they serve no audience. They are useless novelties purchased exclusively by the least funny person you’ve ever met for office party joke gifts. Let’s look at three of them:

Sex 365 is a sincere, well-produced photograph series of couples going at it. It seems intended as a sex therapy book for bored lovers, but since each position requires actual human models, about 300 of them are slight variations of the sixish ways people fuck. POSITION OF THE DAY PLAYBOOK and POSITION OF THE DAY: SEX EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY were both published by Nerve.com, a now-offline sex culture site, and they’re clumsily illustrated, poorly imagined ways a furniture store clerk might picture losing his virginity. Don’t get me wrong, if you have no dick game these books will give you plenty of ideas on how to snap your penis off with an office chair. I can’t think of a single reason for them to exist, and that includes this one: I am going to cross-reference each of the books’ daily sex positions and determine -scientifically- the 10 worst days for having sex. It will do no one any good, it will be very awkward if anyone walks in on you reading it, and let’s begin:

Each book approached January 8th from really different directions. Sex 365 wants you to try “Sneaky Peek” which is where you watch yourself cranking your boner the wrong direction. Playbook suggests “Puppy Love,” which is putting your nose up your partner’s ass. There’s no further instructions, but the book gives fitness stats for each position and it says this one burns 48 calories for both the giver and the receiver. Maybe this is meant to be done during a brisk crawl or while you time push ups together? I mean, obviously you’re not just resting your nose in there, right? How did they test this? Did they have one group of people do jumping jacks while another laid down and clenched their buttholes around noses? I feel like we would have heard about a study like that. Anyway, the last book, SEDIEW, thinks you might like the “Walk Like an Egyptian” which is where you answer the door without taking the inflatable doll off your dick.

It’s clear from everyone’s January 8th that they’ve already run out of reasonable sex positions. No big deal, though; they only have 357 to go.

On the day before Valentine’s Day, Playbook offers its fifth variation of standing up facing each other, this time with one leg weird. If you’re curious, this burns 117.6 calories for the giver, making it a 245% more effective workout than placing your nose in someone’s butthole. The author of SEDIEW did the sex book equivalent of eating chili right out of the can by suggesting the adventurous “default cunnilingus.” I guess Sex 365 also did the sex book equivalent of eating chili right ouf the can but in a different direction– they tell you to flip onto your partner’s back so he can look you in the eyes while you suck his ass. I don’t think there’s a safe way to get out of this position– you either eat ass for the rest of your life or one of you has to eat a piledriver.

Sex 365‘s position for March 6th is a woman getting nailed while she’s in a lotus position. This is a move you only see after a sex book author thinks, “I have hopelessly run out of ways to stand, sit, and lay down during se– wait, I’ve got one. Cross-legged.” If you’re not interested in tangling all your limbs up between you and your frustrated lover, you can try Playbook‘s idea of awkwardly boning from different chairs. It’s perfect for when they haven’t yet called your boarding group or when a job interview is going exceptionally well. SEDIEW offers “The Chain of Fools” which seems to be two people badly injured in an elevator accident trying to fuck one last time before they die. Don’t have sex on March 6th is their point.

The erotic cave paintings from the Nerve.com books are pretty normal on March 9th, but look at the position from Sex 365. What’s the point of that? I must not be a true romantic, because I would have no idea how long I was supposed to stare at my unconscious date’s tits. Picturing what it would look like from a security camera, I’d say anything more than five seconds should be a sex crime, even if it’s your wife. This seems like a good time to mention how if you’re ever posing for a sex position book and the photographer asks you to get in someone’s lap and play dead, you can say no and call the police. Tell them you are with two strange men, one naked and one dangerous. They will assume they heard you wrong, and it will be a difficult misunderstanding to clear up. Tell them, hysterically, you were posing nude for March 9th. Explain it was the only day left with no ass eating. Tell them to stop telling you to calm down!

One of the things I should mention about Sex 365 is they invested heavily in butt-to-butt stuff. At least an entire month joined at the ass in ways most erections would refuse to go. And before you ask, they are never lovingly sharing a dildo. They are simply rubbing butts for the joy of it. So welcome to April 3rd where one book says touch butts, another says bang uncomfortably in a chair, and the third says mount your lover on your cock for battle. Great job, virgin authors, confused nude models, and terrible artists alike.

It’s April 15th, ladies, and your Sex 365 suggestion is to sit on another butt and get a brief tip of penis scraping against you. As usual, this sex position comes with an apology for how it won’t work for what you and I know as “sex.” The first draft of Playbook’s April 15th position was “fucking on the floor only maybe the lady’s head is under a chair?” They unfortunately never got around to writing a second draft. SEDIEW took a break from sex to include a drawing of two men arguing over a rocking chair and both winning.

Sex 365 seems to have given up on the idea of penetrating women all together. Ladies, you’ve graduated from titillating butt rubs from awkward angles to the ultimate in pleasure– letting him jerk off into your legs while you wait. Playbook suggests oral sex, only dumb, and SEDIEW thinks it might be fun to forget about fucking and battle for a leg lock. If these books set out to prove there are limitless ways to make love, they could not have failed harder. They’ve demonstrated there are only three ways to have sex: normal, on a rocking chair, and not quite getting it in her from a wriggling bundle of stupid shapes. If you gave a pumpkin to Christopher Reeve, today, his legendary and respected remains would come up with more viable sex positions than these three books combined.

Sex 365 assumes you’ve been following along all year and you’re tired from having weird sex a few times and then rubbing butts for five months. So their positions are really winding down. Their June 15th suggestion is a nice hug. Playbook hasn’t quite given up yet, but this idea to pull a cardboard box near the bed so you can rest your feet shows they’re close. SEDIEW has been almost exclusively rocking chair positions since March, which is strange. It’s already presumptuous to think the reader has found a partner willing to break their leg once a day in the name of sex science, but it’s absurd to assume they also own a rocking chair. I’ve been inside over seven homes in my life, and I’ve seen more actual sex swings than rocking chairs. Did the author write this book while he was staying with his grandma? Tell me which one of these makes more sense:

1: I am an experienced love maker who knows all the styles: cowgirl, dog, and with hats. Here are 365 very slight variations on those; most of them are embarrassing, and 200 don’t work. It will be useful for sexually active adults, which again, I promise I am.

2: Here are 365 drawings of what I imagine I look like when I sit in my grandmother’s rocking chair and fuck her yarn.

Each of the books is showcasing its signature style on August 21st: pointlessly rubbing butts, fucking like idiots, and masturbating into woman-shaped yarn from grandma’s rocking chair. These are not fun ways to spice up your love life. These are storyboards for a documentary about the struggle of the three unluckiest pairs of conjoined twins. “Many of you, hffff, take for granted things like, say, sitting in a rocking chair. But for me and my sister, a rocking chair, hrrrk, is like Mount Everest times 9/11 with yoga. I love my sister but we both, rrrk, want to die when we are in a rocking chair.”

Don’t ever make love on October 20th. In Sex 365, the position is standing ass-to-ass. The book doesn’t include an exit strategy, but since there’s no way to traditionally finish from here, I assume you leave when the conversation gets dull. Playbook‘s position seems to be engineered backwards from getting the most fluid on the most chairs with no care for spines or orgasms. And finally, SEDIEW suggests this faceless struggle. What is this goddamn nightmare? It’s like clipart you’d put on a prison sign saying NO SEXUAL ASSAULT IN REC ROOM.

Look, I went into this thinking we would have a fun time making fun of pretzelly contortions and bad sex advice. I could not have predicted a museum of butt-to-butt art photos and 730 drawings of unfinished clones fighting to the death for the title of Chair Master. It’s like I say every time I walk into a home with a sex swing: this feels like a terrible mistake, but a boner never lies.