Welcome all to this, our monthly day of reflection. It is the only day where contemplation of the self is allowed, and also absolutely mandatory. Please begin having personal epiphanies immediately or you will be registered, detained, branded, shipped away for reeducation and processed into reeducated meat byproduct for use in PoxCo™ branded loaf products.
Now that you have had at least one (1) Manager Approved Realization and/or been shunted away by the Meditation Chute, let us continue. The state of the Hot Dog is strong. We’ve just passed 1000 patrons, which is astonishing! I never imagined that would happen. I didn’t even think it could happen. I figured once we hit 999 it would just tick over to 000 and we’d get the Patreon killscreen. Instead Seanbaby and I have to sit here like chumps, humbled and amazed by all of your support. You really showed us.
With your help, we’ve been able to start running guest columns and that is hilarious. We’re employers! Hahaha we created jobs! Nobody stopped us!
So far we’ve had excellent pieces from Jason “David” Pargin “Wong” and Auralnauts Zak, Dashing Explorer of Sound. Coming up we’ve got more exciting guest stars who will meander onscreen, mug uncomfortably at the camera, and promptly exit to applause. Chris Bucholz is already on the calendar, and here’s a fun fact: We actually learned how to pronounce his name! He’s going to let us tell you! Right now! It’s pronounced…
I know, right?! You literally would never have guessed it. My god.
In other news, we’ve finally got our external site up and running at 1900hotdog.com, and it is truly a stunning piece of technology. It has images, text, the occasional link! And unlike Patreon’s site, it actually works! Most of the time! If you’re tired of Patreon’s crushed and warped images, awkward archives and non-supported links, step into the distant futuristic year of 2007 with our new external site. It even has a color!
We’ve also launched our very first PoxCo Regional Wrestling’s Pretend Wrestling League (Now With More Wrestling!). The response has been strong, enough for us to do a full tournament. And let me tell you, these wrestlers are beautiful… in a savage, hideous way. Each of them is like a rampaging hippo with its skin removed so that you can better view the mechanical motions of its muscles as it tramples everything you love, have loved, or will ever love in the future. Yes, they’re Hellraiser Hippos of the Heart, ladies and gentleman, and I cannot wait to show you the horrors they have in store.
To keep things fresh, we’ll go back to our normal teamworking pieces for a few months before the first qualifying round of the PRL tournament, and we’ll periodically check in for the semi-final, and championship rounds after that. I hope you liquified some of your comedy portfolio before this, because most of your laughs are now invested in this year-long bit and there will be severe penalties for early withdrawal.
If you’re a Hot Dog Supreme, well then first of all I want to congratulate you on being intrinsically better than everybody else. It was a long, hard road to giving us a stupid amount of money every month, and they didn’t believe you could do it… but we did. We always knew you could give us $50 a month, and we are so proud of you for achieving this dream. You can find our new batch of Supreme dedications on the About page, or you could just find them right here, right now:
Jeff Atwood: the star of the story choosing from 39 possible endings!
toasty god: duly elected mayor of uncooked bread.
Pauli Poisuo: who is called “Baba Yaga” by his enemies and “Double P” by Baba Yagas.
Ethan Rangel: half wolf, half cop, half cyborg, and all wolf again twice, for a total of 2.5 wolves.
Yannis Ioannidis: is the first person based on the film 3 Ninjas Kick Back.
John McCammon: who left fighting behind him, at least until Baron Arena took his daughter.
Hawk: and that’s pronounced with eight additional seconds of silent eye contact.
Armando Nava: whose name is an anagram of how they were conceived: a rad van moan.
Lyman: a magnificent youth who brandishes the magical broadsword, Lycheaper!
Micah Phillips: joins together with four other pure-hearted warriors to form Zorklon, Protector of the Cosmos! He pilots the left leg — the invaluable left leg!
Seems way easier this way, but you do you.
Supremes, your first round of cursed artifacts from the Wrong Dimension are shipping in just about a week, so make sure we have your current address and a brief list of private shames. It helps PoxCo Delivery find your residence. Don’t ask how: the answer will invert your human lungs and you’ll inhale your own ribcage. It’s better to just write down the secret ways you failed yourself on a little piece of paper, roll it up tightly, and leave it in the gap between your wall and floor. The space where roaches get in. They’ll take it from here. Trust me: it’s better than coughing up a rib. Marginally.
Let’s close this out with a little behind the scenes peek:
Seanbaby and I work opposite schedules, so theoretically we have 24 hour coverage of the site. This is not to guard it against any possible attacks, though that is a welcome fringe benefit. It’s because I live in the desert and, as such, must rise at dawn if I’m going to step outside without being shriveled into a husk by the angry, angry sun. While Seanbaby has a young child in his home — hopefully his own, I’ve been too afraid to ask — and so can only work at night, when the kid is exhausted from screaming all the words that rhyme with ‘thumb’ right into his sleep-deprived face.
We have just two brief moments of contact per day: when he clocks on and I clock off, and vice versa. We refer to this as Ladyhawking. There was a big argument over which one of us is Rutger Hauer and which is Michelle Pfeiffer, but then we realized it was our analogy, and we didn’t have to choose. We are both Michelle Pfeiffer. Neither of us are Rutger Hauer. Why? Because you are, my friends. You are our Rutger Hauer.
Congratulations! Happy Rutger to you, Hauer!