Carmen Electra’s Naked Women’s Wrestling League

Sometimes you can try to be too many things for too many people, and I’m of course talking about Carmen Electra’s Naked Women’s Wrestling League.

Naked ladies plus pro wrestling is a 12-year-old’s idea of an idea. This is like adding nudity to poker or selling unlicensed Michael Jackson merchandise, which are two other failed enterprises from Howard Mann, the creator of Carmen Electra’s Naked Women’s Wrestling League. It’s the worst part of both things with none of the best parts, like a centaur who’s just two different sized buttholes or a KFC/Taco Bell that only serves Baja Blast coleslaw. It’s like a mustard water and grandpa’s racism sandwich.

Before they take their clothes off, it’s a lifeless 7th rate pro wrestling show. It’s the kind of writing and performance you’d expect from kids playing pro wrestling if all their mothers worked as phone sex operators while they were learning to talk. It’s weirdly childish for something you’re presumably meant to jerk off to, but it doesn’t do it in a likeable way like He-Man did. For instance, there’s a sadomasochistic character and her sex slave is maybe disabled? He’s in his panties, can’t talk, and seems to cry with real monkey sadness when she whips him. Their promo is more inspired by serial killer movies than any kind of fetish and after five-too-many minutes of awkward spookiness it cuts to Carmen Electra who offers, “Ooh, that’s kind of hot. Heh.” So if you were wondering if the producers know what sex is, no, probably not.

“Host” Carmen Electra was paid $100,000 to sit in a studio far away from the wrestling and read a few embarrassing sex puns. I know she was paid this much because she very publicly sued Carmen Electra’s Naked Women’s Wrestling League for the other $300,000 she was promised. She also sued for so many other ludicrous things she ended up getting nothing. It’s very likely after lawyer fees Carmen Electra lost money from putting her name on this. If she made better decisions, she could have stayed home and burned a few stacks of money and this thing would have been called Creepy Stan’s Jean Creamin’ Rough Housers (Exposed Holes Edition) and only one murderer would own a copy. We’ll meet that murderer later in this article.

The other star of the video is Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart who also isn’t at the event, but every fifteen minutes they show an inset of him saying generic things about the real hot action in there. If you went to bed with your dick in a Clayton Kershaw baseball glove and then told everyone, “I made love to MLB great Clayton Kershaw last night,” that’d be more honest than saying “Jimmy Hart is in this.”

As for the wrestling itself, it’s not very good. The talent pool for accomplished female wrestlers is already small enough before you shrink it to “female wrestlers willing to go bottomless for buffet coupons and points on DVD sales.” These are Vegas strippers who took a weekend of wrestling training and the announcers have a hell of a time making sense of their confused miscues. There seems to be a script, but nobody studied it very hard. For instance, one naked lady fakes a knee injury so a naked blind lady can run in and replace her. The blind lady immediately loses her place in the script and seems to forget if she was also the knee injury lady, and she fakes a knee injury. Her opponent and the announcers adjust to this new fiction just in time for her to remember the knee thing was someone else’s, so she stops faking a knee injury to befuddle everyone a second time. Maybe? As it is with every second of this show, all you and the announcers can do is speculate at what these uncomfortable naked people are trying to communicate. If these weren’t hot, nude, adult women, you’d swear you were watching two orangutans discover a nest of cobras.

As you can see, their idiot clumsiness is not not sexy, but when naked people aren’t doing anything erotic, their lack of clothes becomes pretty ordinary. It only takes a few minutes for your brain and gonads to go from “naked ladies!” to “are there any recreational options at this nudist colony that don’t suck?”

As a true American, I am in favor of pointlessly mixing naked ladies with dumbass things and also judging you to be a pervert when you do it in a weird way. So I don’t hate this because sex is some sacred intimate thing. The one person who ever called me a prude and meant it was a dominatrix I was dating after I turned down her offer to go to her work and make fun of the customers. I told her I didn’t need to be a part of some sad loser’s boner, which is the exact opposite choice she and the stars of Carmen Electra’s Naked Women’s Wrestling League made. This was designed for boners incapable of happiness, shame, or self-reflection. Carmen Electra is announcing an event for boners that long ago died of despair and could only be resuscitated by this exact combination of elements. Seriously, though; a good portion of the audience is very obviously there to pant at and hopefully strangle the naked women. Here’s the murderer I mentioned:

This was filmed in front of about 35 people and they were clearly told to never stop screaming or flailing their arms at any cost. They do a mediocre job at this, and they almost make it seem like 40 people are watching. However, in the back is a section of men who never clap or cheer. They stand motionless, watching the skin. Watching it struggle. They are not here for a good time. They are here because the voices gave them no choice. This motherfucker in the gray shirt did not move for an entire hour. Arms down and staring. He just rose from a shadow and stared at the women like he does at his elderly mother when it’s time for her bath. There is zero chance he isn’t right behind one or more of these naked wrestling girls right now.

In a confusion that should have probably been cleared up, half of the women are really trying to put on a pro wrestling match without clothes, while the other half are going for more of a wrestling-themed strip tease. Neither one works very well, but there’s not really a playbook for this kind of thing. Is it good wrestling or good stripping when four women link up their hands and feet and take turns opening their legs? I know it’s not really why we’re here, but I have no fucking idea who’s got the upper hand in this move:

Carmen Electra’s Naked Women’s Wrestling League is so impossibly bad at everything it tries to do, it almost seems like a trap. This may sound crazy, but was this event produced specifically so a hot dog website about cursed artifacts would find it 13 years later and generate enough chaos energy for the gray shirt murderer to remanife

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This article was brought to you by our fine patron and Hot Dog Supreme, Josh Fabian: who spends montages nodding yes to every single hat you try on.