It has been said that I’m not a very erotic writer, even though I type the word “fuck” 600 times every day just to keep the muscle memory in my fingers fresh. Most of my Fucking Days are about gross, messed-up things that are adjacent to sex crimes, like Quentin Tarantino. So for a change of pace let’s talk about something genuinely sexy that also changed our culture forever. I refer, of course, to…
If you’re not familiar with Gabriel Byrne, he’s an actor, an author, a cultural ambassador, and was very nearly a priest. He conducts himself with a sort of quiet dignity, and has been formally recognized as one of Ireland’s greatest human treasures.
And he was also the star of Cool World, a movie whose entire hook was whether or not Gabriel Byrne should bone down an animated Kim Basinger.
A man wrestling with his own sinful desires can make for a compelling emotional conflict to center a film, and Ireland’s 17th greatest actor, Gabriel Byrne, portrayed it with exactly the sort of somber gravitas you’d expect.
I recognize every inch of that posture. I did that same move to the remote control the first time I saw Star Wars. I wanted more than anything for it to work, for it to be real. That is the posture of a man desperately trying to force-pull some titties loose.
Let me walk you through the scene in question:
Kim Basinger plays Holli Would, who’s basically a fuckable Pinocchio – she wants to be real, and believes the only way to do that is to bang a human being. That’s why she lures Byrne back to her crazy high-rise apartment — so they can get rank.
Just outside, all the cartoons are going about their normal wacky business.
But when the two of them start grinding, everything in the world freezes. This entire animated universe was built with the innate ability to sense Gabriel Byrne’s confused erection, wherever he might be:
The original cast of The Gorillaz feels this impending sexual cataclysm more than anyone:
And they decide they really need to be there to watch the birth of the bodypillow industry. So they set to work building a sort of Tower of Babel for sexual voyeurism. A lesser writer would call it something cute, like the Tower of Babel, but I’m not going to debase myself like that.
And that’s all the setup you need to — oh wait, The Leaning Tower of Pussy! Yeah, there it is. Woo! We did it!
And that’s really all the setup you need to make sense of the most important scene in cartoon-fucking history. Without further ado, here’s the moment 17th greatest Irish actor, Gabriel Byrne, penetrates a cartoon:
And thirty seconds later, here’s the moment 17th greatest Irish actor, Gabriel Byrne, prematurely ejaculates inside a cartoon:
If you’re doing sex boring, you might find that massive explosion at the end unusual.
That’s because the premise of Cool World is that cartoons exist in their own dimension apart from ours, and while we can cross over to their world, we can never fuck them, or the barrier between the two universes will be broken. It’s your classic Romeo and Juliet romance – you know how Romeo can never bust inside Juliet or Italy will burst into flame? It’s like that.
That’s how Cool World explains the rules anyway, but that’s not quite right. We just saw it: humans can fuck cartoons and the barrier will stay intact. The world survived all 28 rollicking seconds of the Gabriel Byrne ride; the universe only broke when they hit the splash zone. It is specifically cumming inside a drawing that’s forbidden. If Gabriel Byrne had settled for a handie, or even just pulled out and ruined that toon’s pillowcase instead, our world would’ve been safe. But no, 17th greatest Irish actor, Gabriel Byrne, got greedy. 17th greatest Irish actor, Gabriel Byrne, insisted on rawdogging a cartoon to completion, no matter how many people had to die because of it.
Anyway, that’s the important part of Cool World, and the first thing you should remember when anybody mentions 17th greatest Irish actor, Gabriel Byrne.
But there’s more weirdness in Cool World. It also stars a lil’ baby Brad Pitt.
Look at that wee Pittlet. This movie is actually why we have Brad Pitt. This was his first starring role in a big budget major motion picture. It wasn’t his breakout role — that was his bit part in Thelma & Louise — but this was what he did with that momentum: Starred as a guy who also wants to fuck cartoons, but doesn’t for the good of the world. Don’t feel bad for his character, though. He dies at the end and becomes a cartoon so he gets to fuck as many cartoons as he wants. That’s his happy ending.
And I know this whole thing looks like an FMV porno parody of Dragon’s Lair, but Cool World was indeed a big budget major motion picture. The studios went all in on this, much like 17th greatest Irish actor, Gabriel Byrne, does to cartoon pussy.
The marketing team behind Cool World even briefly modified a national landmark just to promote their animated spank flick:
There was serious money on the line here. And that’s because the 1990s struggled with one major philosophical argument above all others. From Jessica Rabbit to Holli Would to Lola Bunny, the one question the ‘90s wrestled with the most was “is it okay that we want to fuck cartoons?”
Apparently they settled on “yes, but don’t cum in them, or you’ll break the universe.”
And 17th greatest Irish actor, Gabriel Byrne, didn’t listen, which is why our broken world now features comments like this on the YouTube clip of that time 17th greatest Irish actor, Gabriel Byrne, creampied a cartoon.