Fucking Day: SuperVan 🌭

In the 1970s people realized, for the very first time, that you could fuck in a van. It changed the world. I know it’s hard to believe now, but there were a few years in human history where people saw somebody getting railed in the back of an Econoline and assumed it was consensual. There was even a film movement called vanspoiltation, because if you spell ‘exploitation’ wrong it becomes charming. The king of this short-lived, hilariously ill-advised strain of amateur pornography was called SuperVan. Hold on, I’m sorry, I’m saying that wrong. It’s actually pronounced:

You can really hear that font.

This movie is about everything Van Guy, and if you need a comprehensive and exhaustive description of the Van Guy subculture, here it is:

But don’t be fooled, it’s not all fun and games. Or at least, not unmurderous ones — even back in that foolish era when we idolized Van Guys, we still couldn’t gloss over their many abductions. Try to count the number of kidnappings in the following fifteen second clip from SuperVan.

Did you count three? Then you missed the child struggling in the middle of that huddle, just like the Douglas County Police Department did. It’s an easy mistake to make. Try not to let it haunt you like it haunted Officer Calloway, may he rest in peace. 

Anyway, wacky sightgags of real-time crimes notwithstanding, the rest of the movie is standard exploitation fare — they have to get the supervan, Vandora, across the country to the annual van freakout to win the 5,000 dollar prize or, as you’d say in Vanglish:

Basically it’s a find/replace on the script for Smokey and the Bandit, with the part of Smokey replaced by Vandora, and the part of the Bandit replaced by attempted sexual assault. But this is Fucking Day; we’re not here to talk about plot. We’re here to talk about the greatest vans of the 1970s, and the terrible ways you will get fucked in them.

And rest assured, they will be terrible. This is what SuperVan thinks ‘woman having a good time’ looks like:

MORGAN THE PIRATE VAN

How you’ll get fucked:

By a guy in an eyepatch with a hook for a hand. The eyepatch is fake, but the hook is real. The constant pirate puns will really take you out of the experience, but the hook will drag you back in.

The lasting consequences:

Hook-based chlamydia. 

THE COOL CAR VAN

How you’ll get fucked:

The kind of guy who paints a better car on his car is a confused dreamer. He’ll vary fucks between frenzied doggystyle pounding and ‘90s-martial-arts-movie girl-on-top, then ask you to marry him. He will be gone before you can answer “god, no.”

The lasting consequences:

Cool Car Van Guy will overly romanticize the night you had together, even though he’ll never even attempt to call the fake phone number you gave him. He will show up at your wedding years later with a boombox playing Genesis to object to your union, and propose his own. He will be gone before you can answer “god, no.”

VANDORA, THE SOLAR-POWERED SUPERVAN

How you’ll get fucked:

By a man in a ponytail wearing a crystal necklace. He’s going to subtly imply he’s from the future; he’s going to not so subtly imply that everyone does anal in the future.

The lasting consequences:

Futuristic anal warts.

SENSITIVE GUITAR-PLAYING GUY VAN

How you’ll get fucked:

You will not get fucked by the Sensitive Guitar-Playing Guy. The Sensitive Guitar-Playing Guy Van is the Pied Paper of Van Fucking — all the girls chase the gentle man’s magical tunes, only to be led to a muddy lot containing another van: this one matte black and dented, with the words ‘Hot Stuff’ painted on the side. Sensitive Guitar-Playing Guy Van will peel away, Hot Stuff will beckon, and you’ll think “hey, what’s the worst that could happen?”

The lasting consequences:

If you’ve seen this woman, please call the Van Abduction Hotline at 1-800-VANISHD.

CRUDELY-DRAWN HEART VAN

How you’ll get fucked:

Crudely-Drawn Heart Van Guy fucks like he draws hearts — hastily and with very little eye for detail. Expect to take a poke or two in the bellybutton while he wildly stabs at holes.

The lasting consequences:

Belly-button based chlamydia.

FREEDOM MACHINE

How you’ll get fucked:

Freedom Machine is the ultimate American Fuck Van. Expect to get fucked missionary style with no eye contact, and also later by the disastrous US healthcare system when you go to treat your-

The lasting consequences:

All-American Chlamydia. 

SESAME STREET VAN

How you’ll get fucked:

By a puppet. 

No, I’m just joking. 

By two puppets.

The lasting consequences:

The exceptionally virulent strain of chlamydia that thrives on all puppet-felt. Even brand new from the factory. Every puppet in history. Rife with chlamydia. My god.

EPIC BEAR-SLED VAN

How you’ll get fucked:

On a bear-skin rug by a man in a Viking helmet. He will call you Brynhild and you will call him Crom, and it will actually be pretty awesome.

The lasting consequences:

Cromydia.

PLAIN VAN

How you’ll get fucked:

You won’t! 

Your corpse, on the other hand…

The lasting consequences:

Your ghost, your poor goddamn ghost — it’s going to have to haunt the You-skin condom that your murderer will make out of the soles of your feet. You’re going to have to see everything it does. You’re going to have to penetrate everything it penetrates, until a wandering Vigilante Highway Cleric defeats your Van Murderer and purifies the You-skin condom with salt before burning it at first light.

Anyway that’s my time folks, go van yourselves.

…

This article was brought to you by our fine patron and Hot Dog Supreme, Zach Harrison: winner of the Kumite with fastest face punch with also kick and spin (174 mph).