The Time The Dirt Bike Kid Fucked His Bike

Good morning. I have come to you today with a simple task, unadorned by superfluous arguments and tangential frivolity. I aim to prove the following: In the 1985 movie, The Dirt Bike Kid, director Hoite Caston did knowingly and with malice aforethought commit to film a two-minute long sequence of a young child jacking off a sentient dirtbike. 

Welcome to 1-900-HOT-DOG. This is Fucking Day.

I shall now present the evidence.

The Dirt Bike Kid is the scum that floated to the top when Hollywood scraped the very bottom of the E.T. ripoff barrel. In the 1980s, every third movie was about a shitty child solving a trivial injustice with the help of a magical Alien, Robot, Dirt Bike, or Nintendo Brand Power Pad Accessory. It’s a movie about the kid from A Christmas Story trying to save a hot dog stand with his mystical motorcycle. It is also an unacceptable catalog of filth and perversion — a dementedly whimsical instance of child pornography that must be banned by all moral societies. To prove these assertions, I need only establish two things. 

First, that the vehicle in question is sentient, and has autonomy. 

This is easy enough. In the film, the titular dirt bike is seen ‘swiveling’ its headlights to convey emotion. It also makes various noises, from honking to revving to inexplicable beeps when Mr. Caston forgets the premise of the movie he’s making and just lapses into blatant Star Wars IP theft. 

Perhaps the above scene only conveys intelligence on the level of, say, a lesser ape or YouTube personality, but later we are explicitly shown the dirt bike:

1. Moving on its own
2. Displaying a full grasp of human language
3. Which it uses to navigate the United States address system

And now, to point the second: I must prove that the dirt bike has sensation.

Part of my job has already been done. This motorcycle was able to feel the weight of the package on its seat, and to gauge said weight in order to calculate the distance of its throw. That displays tactile awareness, but I can further prove both sensation and emotion.

Here we see the dirt bike…

As it… revs in pain when exposed to police brutality? Jesus Christ, Dirt Bike Kid, cut me some slack here. I am not the man best equipped to tackle this issue.

Clearly, this motorcycle is a thinking creature. It is capable of understanding the English language, the US postal code, and even the morality of practical ownership vs. legal ownership as regards a hot dog stand. It is able to sense human touch, and feel emotions like fear and anger. It follows that it might also feel lust. Through whatever unspecified magics animate this dirt bike, it is no longer a mere collection of metal, but a sensuous creature. 

Therefore, to portray the ‘washing’ scene as such:

Is a crime against humanity. 

From the lingering shots of this young boy’s hands scrubbing its filthy haunches, to the flaccid but eagerly bulging erection of its fenders, this entire scene is explicit and illegal child-on-dirtbike pornography. I ask that Mr. Hoite Caston be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and if there is not a law about filming children giving handies to magic motorbikes, I propose that there should be, and that again Mr. Hoite Caston be made to suffer the fullest extent of it. May god have mercy on your soul, sir, for there is none left in my heart for you.

I bid you a solemn and sober Fucking Day, Hot Doggers.