Fucking Day: Dick Fight Island, Pt. 1 🌭

Here’s how easy it is to accidentally ruin something beautiful:

Snakes On A Plane became a meme before it was even made thanks to how simple, succinct, and perfectly descriptive that title was. It was a nothing movie with no budget, and yet they landed one of the biggest stars in the world off that buzz: Samuel L. Jackson. Halfway through production, they tried to change the title to Pacific Air 121. Sam Jackson said “change it back. That’s the only reason I took the job: I read the title.”

That’s how fragile the creative process is – you can fuck up an entire project at any stage with just a title change, especially if you don’t understand what makes it great.

This is the opposite of that story.

Dick Fight Island was originally a manga called The 8 Warriors, and you can throw that right in the trash. It was actually the translators who stopped and thought, “wait a minute – this is a story about men fighting with their elaborately armored superdicks. Let’s call it Dick Fight!”

Then a producer stepped in and said “that’s garbage! It tells me nothing – where does it even take place?!”

That’s how you art. That’s how art is born.

And it’s a very good thing Dick Fight Island was rescued from the Spencer’s Gifts bargain bin that The 8 Warriors belongs in, because the book does not disappoint. This is a fighting tournament story, so the characters are the most vital aspect. Here are the introductions that open the entire thing:

You meet them like a distracted zipline attendant meets every client. 

You meet them like a man out of ideas on Tinder meets every woman.

You meet them like a dwarf meets everybody.

You meet them dick-first.

Look at the personality and love put into those dick armor designs! Every single fightin’ dick is its own character, each reflecting the origins of its wielder. Lolo of the Earth Clan fights with his beetle dick, for he is strong and grounded! Blanc of the nature-loving Moon clan brought his budding plant dick, which is supple and bends instead of breaks! Vampyr wields a winged bat dick, because his name is vampire! 

Each of these dicks has more personality than the entire cast of Virtua Fighter. This is one page and I already know these dicks, how they fight, and what’s important to them. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, but I already have a favorite dick! I couldn’t not pick.

We do get to the glamor shots and splash pages and everything that comes along with your standard tournament manga, but that happens later. It’s like a Hindu station wagon or a concert at a county fair: The dicks go up front.

I was expecting a hastily executed straight-to-penetration porn mag that did not understand what was so wonderful about its concept, but Dick Fight Island is shockingly competent. It does extensive worldbuilding, thoroughly explains the premise (dicks fight on an island), then it introduces eight unique, compelling characters and their relationships to one another, and it does it all in just the first 20 pages.

That’s right – I said the first 20 pages. Dick Fight Island is over 200 pages long. Dick Fight Island Volume 1 is over 200 pages! This is a saga! 

And so must this article be. How could I offer less?

My coverage of Dick Fight Island will be a two-part survey because, much like all of Lolo’s terrified brides, I can’t possibly fit it all in at once.

Let’s meet the men attached to the dicks we already know so well. 

The density of this book! On just this one page we meet two of our fighters — hotheaded Judah of the warrior clan and soft-spoken Pisao of the fisherman’s clan — plus we establish their dynamic as they argue and needle each other with obvious affection AND we do some vital worldbuilding for Dick Fight Island itself, where all grown men wrangle about bare-assed to show off their masculinity! 

Taling is our resident Twink. Every porn comic needs one, and every fighting tournament – from Street Fighter II’s Vega to Street Fighter: The Movie’s Jean Claude Van Damme — needs one too.

Here’s a twist built into a character introduction: Our vampire-dicked fighter, whom you immediately pegged as a villain, is actually a beautiful cleric. Yeah, who’s the bigot now, huh? You’re visiting Dick Fight Island, friend. Why don’t you leave your preconceptions at the baggage check, along with the ass of your pants and NOT your dick armor — you will need that so badly.

Sicolenaga the dragon fighter is a little self conscious about his disability. People are constantly underestimating him. They say, “Haha, how are you gonna dickfight with no depth perception, one-eye? You’ll have no idea how far a dick is from you — the most vital piece of information in any dick fight!” 

But Sicolenaga has a hidden talent: He can smell dicks with inhuman precision! 

You have no idea if I’m joking!

Papa Lolo of the Earth Clan is a brusque blue-collar older man with a secret: His special dickarmor maidens go to beetle up his junk and are astonished to realize it doesn’t fit — his dick never stopped growing! 

You have no idea if I’m joking! 

I’m not!

That’s not how dicks work… on the square island where you live. Fucking Palau or some stupid shit like that. This is Dick Fight Island, where dicks work on lobster rules.

Blanc of the Moon Clan is the mandatory arrogant prettyboy. He’s already made the deadly mistake of being the biggest asshole in a dick fight.

Brash everyman Hart completes our trope roundup by bringing forbidden knowledge from the outside world. I hope it’s about dicks!

It is so easy to fuck up a tournament story; just look at the last Mortal Kombat movie. They spent the whole time on character backstories and janky worldbuilding and damn near forgot to feature any Mortal Kombat. Dick Fight Island has just finished its character introductions and now it is time to dickfight.

These are men! What is to be gained from foreplay!

The kings of the island arrive, a dude blows a horn, and it’s on. Nothing’s going to stop these brave fighters now that the dicks are out and-

Hahahaha HART IS DISQUALIFIED.

There’s a written test for the dick fight! 

Here’s a sample question: 

You have a dick. Your enemy has a dick. What do you do?

1. Fight.
2. Fight?
3. Fuck!
4. Fight.
5. All of the above in that order.

And Hart fucked it up so bad. So bad, you guys. Nobody on this island reads outsider and he knew that. He showed up to take his Driver’s License test, wrote all his answers in Klingon, then stood around with his dick out wondering why the cops pulled up — prolly to watch him ace his road test!

Also, Taling is disqualified. 

No reason. 

He was raised by lesbians and he just looks like a huge pansy and everybody is real worried that they will actually break him in half in the dickfights. A man only wants to see blood on his cock during his lady’s time of the month, while breaking up a Nazi rally, or after somebody uses the word “irregardless.”

No dong’s conscience should have to bear the weight of Taling’s sundering.

But hold on, Hart is down on his knees slightly earlier than expected and begging for another chance. He’s learned a secret Outworld dickfighting technique – he must be allowed to fight! And Taling has an objection, too: He’s not the frail bouquet of a boy he appears to be! 

It’s not great when you first have to acknowledge that you look like a bullied pixie before insisting that your dick still works, but the argument lands.

ROUND 1: DICKFIGHT!

Here are the stakes: The winner of the dickfights gets to rule all of Dick Fight Island for the next four years.

Here are the rules: The first man to cum, loses. 

That’s why the dick armor is there – to protect against stimulation. It’s purely defensive… or is it?

Holy shit, Taling opens strong! 

Everybody laughed when they saw his limp dick armor dragging through the sand, but it’s actually a whip. The lesbian-raised Twink has weaponized his perceived weakness: flaccid dickarmor. That’s so good and this is the first fight, these are the throwaway concepts. Gwar spent their whole careers trying and failing to think up Dick Whip, and Dick Fight Island burned it on the warmup fight!

Taling has lassoed Hart’s armored bulldick with his cockwhip, and now he’s using the secret technique of the lesbian tribes — vibrations — to make Hart cream his codpiece. I wrote that sentence! You read it! Neither of us can change that fact, we’re different people now!

You know that old anime trope where one fighter seems to be defeated, then chuckles and stands up, explaining that the attack actually didn’t work at all? 

It uh… it loses a little something when you’re bragging about how much stimulation it takes for you to get and maintain an erection. Like if Goku hit Vegeta with a Kamehameha Wave and he dusted himself off saying “fool, it takes hours for me to cum – if I cum at all!” I do think that would rattle Goku, but in a very different way.

Our aloof kings are intrigued by this action, but find themselves asking the same question we all ask while watching a good Dick Fight or stumbling into bed after St. Patrick’s Day:

Wait, what’s going on here? Hart was just about to deploy the secret technique he learned from the outworld when a sudden, blinding wind kicked up! By the time it clears…

Holy shit – it’s that scene in the samurai movie where a swordsman flashes past his opponent, who falls without you even seeing the blade. 

Only it’s jacking off. It’s that, but for jacking off a dude.

It’s time for Hart to reveal his secret unbeatable technique, which can make any man cum without shattering his cock armor. His superpower, his invincible mystery move, the crux upon which all of Dick Fight Island will turn…

Well played. 

You, the reader, have fucked up. You have been fucking up all this time. You, like an arrogant foreigner, made assumptions about Dick Fight Island that you should not have. You thought these guys were gay. God, you’re so simple. In a way, they’re the least gay culture in history.

On Dick Fight Island, anal sex was never invented.

You do not appreciate the full implications of that. This is such careful storytelling, there is no worldbuilding that is not relevant to the story. He’s already told you the next twist, you just didn’t know it at the time. The men, remember? As children, they must wear pants but…

Obviously I love that reveal. It’s the best twist since M. Night Shyamalan revealed that Bruce Willis had been dead the whole time and also had never been anally fingered. 

But let’s roll back and appreciate something now that we’ve had this revelation: How did Hart defeat Taling? By stimulating his prostate. By blasting his anus so hard it generated a blinding windstorm. That’s what happened!

Obviously this knowledge turns Dick Fight Island upside down. It was a whole culture built on swordfighting and this motherfucker just showed up with a fingergun. 

A few are outraged by Hart’s flouting of tradition while others, like Judah, who has a pure warrior’s heart, just want to study The Way of the Fist. 

Hart is just here to smash! 

Hart showed up to the Dick Fight tournament excited to bang butts and Judah’s just like “WHOA hey WHAT. I am just here to jack off men in combat, a time honored and noble martial tradition. Don’t bring SEX into this!”

There is so much revealed by this interaction. If you’re paying attention, you’ve just been given all the clues. Stories — good stories — have hidden rules. They follow arcs and execute callbacks, they foreshadow and establish and giggle and hint like coy little imps. If you’re paying attention, you already know how Judah loses…

But you don’t know how much Pisao fucking rules.

There have been a lot of dicks on this island, but where is the fight? 

Pisao has been hoarding it.

He doesn’t open with a tickle like Taling, or a snuggle like Hart, he opens with a roundhouse to the head and then immediately uses his swordcock to cut Judah’s dong armor in half the long way. Pisao’s not even in those last panels! He walked away as it split!

What do you call that move, if not The Dicksplitter?

What do you call that weapon, if not The Dicksplitter?

What do you call that man, if not Mister Dicksplitter?

I’ve never seen anything more humiliating than that soft flop as Judah’s limp wang, now unarmored, slaps between his legs like fumbled bologna. 

I know this is a gay comic, but that move is not about sex. That’s how you utterly dominate any man from any culture. Email this panel to the military and DARPA War Psychologists will have our soldiers outfitted in bladed cocks within the month. 

Somehow — and this is crazy to contemplate, even purely as a thought exercise — but somehow Judah recovers from that complete psychological, physical, penile devastation and manages to get Pisao on his back. He goes in for Hart’s Forbidden Assblast. This is it! He should win! Judah has done everything right. He’s got his opponent offguard, unprepared, and thoroughly lubricated – this is what martial arts is all about. It’s one blow after another, each landing perfectly, all leading up to a devastating supermove but… but… but….

But with the inescapable inevitability of story, his downfall is at hand. Now that the idea has been planted in his head — Judah can’t resist it.

Judah wants to fuck.

But he’s holding it back for now! 

Pisao has been knocked down, locked up, and now his asshole is slippery – this is as ready for defeat as a man can be. Plus he already knows his opponent has learned a secret fingerblasting technique that will make any man cum, and therefore lose (remember it’s just like your North Dakota Sex Ed course said: cumming is losing). The only advantage Pisao has is that his opponent can’t stop thinking about fucking asses. So what does Pisao, a winner, do? 

He hooks his heels over Judah’s shoulder, and pulls him into his ass.

Judah cums instantly.

Pisao may walk away from that fight leaking semen from his butt, but the man will walk away clean.

…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme, Chase McPherson: who is using Rosetta Stone to study Dickfightese for… a thing.