Reflecting Day: Brockway’s Medical Clusterfuck! 🌭

We started Reflecting Day as a place for us, the 🌭s, to talk to you, the also 🌭s, about what was going on. Not just with the site, but with our lives. It was going to be the one time a month we didn’t have to be funny, and could instead focus on transparency and earnestness. 

Of course we never once used it for that.

Instead we made Reflecting Day a place to announce changes to the site, to make jokes about jokes we weren’t allowed to make, or to repost articles daring people to sue us. Seanbaby and I just aren’t comfortable speaking honestly and openly about ourselves. When you give us that chance, we fall back on our default emotional crutch, which is 8,000 words about the time one of The Wiggles showed his dick. The last time I spoke with any of you honestly and openly, it was as a joke setup to getting lashed with a motorcycle chain before a mail-in wrestling final. 

That’s… that’s the most perfect example of my emotional maturity I could possibly think of-

OooOOOoooh, and Brockway is down! Now, see, the key to a good chainin’ – you gotta go used for a dirtier swing, and obviously, Harley Davidson is still king of the Alabama Licorice Whip. Hello, folks, I’m Jim “The Human Tractor” Jumb and I’m here to-

No! Brockway! Damn it! Face this, you coward.

This will be the first Reflecting Day that actually works as intended. Here we go: I’m going to be stepping back from the site for a while. And that’s going to mean diminished content for you all. I’m having a lot of health problems, and they’ve been impacting the work for a while. Now they’re making it all but impossible.

A few years ago I came down with a mysterious tailbone pain, so I bought a standing desk and kept working. Then my knees went out for no apparent reason, so I bought an adjustable desk to switch between positions, and I kept working. Then my eyes gave out. I could hardly see. So I got on medication, I turned my monitor brightness all the way down, and I kept working. My right shoulder gave out, so I learned to mouse left-handed, and I kept working. My left shoulder gave out, then my entire upper back, spine and neck. I bought an iPad stand so I could work laying down. Then my hands started going numb. I get short of breath. I don’t… know how to work through that? Wait, voice control! I’ll do voice con- nope! Something inside has just given out. I don’t know what it is yet. I’m a big dude and I’m struggling to get down 1,000 calories a day. I’ve lost 15 pounds in the last month. I’m lightheaded and foggy. 

I don’t know a workaround for my brain not functioning. But I’ll tell you what: If any of you are on the cusp of developing the necessary technology to shunt human consciousness into a robot body, I am your first volunteer. No questions. It doesn’t even have to be a good robot body. Scan me into a Roomba so I can get around, and tape a knife to it so I can win arguments. That’s all I ask. 

Trust me: I’m doing everything I can for… all of it. It’s crazy to me that so many health problems would cascade out of nowhere, so I am both terrified that it might be, and desperately hope that it is one larger issue we can figure out soon. This week I have a call with a neurosurgeon, a followup with my eye doctor, then a colonoscopy and endoscopy — same day! I’m gettin’ Fingercuffed by medical science and that better earn me some answers, or at least some sympathy from my writing partner:

The hours I can effectively work have dwindled away, and now I have medical appointments nearly every single day. I just can’t 🌭 properly right now. I’m going to try to stay on the podcasts, I’m still going to layout and program the site, and I’m going to do my best to keep up with our Teamworking Days. The rest of the time I’m going to run remasters of some of my old Cracked articles to replace my missed days. Don’t worry! I’ll be fixing those up, tweaking the language, punching up the jokes, and making new images as I’m able — but that’s all I can do for the foreseeable future.

There’s so much good stuff that will still go on, uninterrupted. We have a few exciting guest posts coming up, Lydia has been killing it weekly, Brendan has been killing it monthly, and Seanbaby never stopped killing it. Frankly, it’s amazing that it won’t die. They have some amazing work in the pipeline, so I hope you’ll bear with us (me) through this temporary setback. 

I know it’s not the schedule I promised you when we launched, and I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t have to. I love this job, I love writing here, and I have an ever-expanding archive of madness I want to share with you — it grows so much faster than I can get to it! I see now how Seanbaby wound up trapped in a hoarder-castle of pop culture garbage from impossible universes. I want to get back to work as soon as possible because this is a truly great place, and because I love doing it, but mostly because I can sense this fortress of insanity growing beyond control and I am terrified of the prison I cannot stop making for myself. 

61 replies on “Reflecting Day: Brockway’s Medical Clusterfuck! 🌭”

Damn it Brockway, how have I ended up simultaneously worried and sad for you and also laughing wildly at you being turned into a knife roomba for medical reasons!?

The content here has been incredible from day one and I look forward to the day I get to read the colonoscopy article. Sending you as much luck as is legally allowed to leave England.

Hey man, just get well. We’ll miss you but don’t go all broken little kuriboh on us dude. Focus on being healthy happy and alive, first. And thank you for the years of awesome sir.

I’m a lurking HotDogger, quietly supporting you guys on Patreon and devouring all your content, but never leaving comments or venturing into the Discord. I wanted to pierce the veil and break my silence here to wish you the best of luck in your diagnosis and recovery. Learning my two favorite Cracked authors were striking out on their own to start something new was possibly the best news I got during the entire pandemic (other than, you know, not dying during it). So just get fucking better, Brockway. God knows that Sean has 67 books on how to heal all bodily ailments with crystals, karate, karate crystals, and aliens. Dive through Wikianswers and perform every dark ritual described. Remember, the spider shows where the ritual knife must be plunged! Okay, now to return to the internet’s shadows…

Sir Brockway— please just focus on you. Maybe…get crazy and take a few entire weeks with zero hotdogging to just get better? You and Da Sbaby have helped us all through rough times, time to focus on yourself. Just ask Seanbaby to split his articles into two in the interim, no one would feel cheated with a paltry 5000 words per day vs. 10000. Most of all thank you, I appreciate you, now fuck off and heal.

Hang in there!
Went through something similar recently and now I’m rabies…raspberries… smells like burning…. Butter…. Better! But still over 40.

“ the time one of The Wiggles showed his dick” wait, that’s not… that’s not real, is it? I’m terrified to google it.

Wait, that’s not important. What I mean is, hey, take care of yourself, Brockway, and take all the time you need. We’ll be here waiting for you when you get that uncooperative meatsuit back in line.

Also, shit, I turn 40 in like 3 months, so I’m on board for that robot body thing too if anyone has the hookup.

Big fan of yours from way back when you fought robots until now when you’re transitioning your consciousness into a robot (to presumably continue fighting robots but on a more even field). You deserve a break and to take care of your health. Hope the internal high five leads to an upward turning point for you!

To aid in your recovery, here is Kirby. I’m sure it will look terrible in the replies.


Now that that’s over with, I hope you figure out what’s wrong and know that I think most of us respect and admire you enough that we won’t blame you for time off.

You’re awesome and have given us almost 2 decades of awesome. There is absolutely nothing to apologize for, just get better. I’m rooting for you and medical science (even though I don’t think medical science works on tinker bell rules). Take all the time you need, you internet treasure you!

Take care of yourself man, and don’t feel bad about taking some time for your health. I’ve had some medical struggles myself, and I think the most important lesson I’ve been forced to learn is not to beat myself up about stuff that’s beyond my control. You’ve already gifted us with decades of awesome and you deserve to get better.

We’ll see you on the other side of your magical medical internal high-five!

Please take all the time you need, don’t worry about letting anyone here down, all of us would rather you stop posting and be well than find out you worked through illness and made it worse. Wishing you better health ASAP.

Let’s crowdfund to get that Roomba a proper Bowie knife instead of a janky butter knife.
Rest up & GL good sir.

Don’t push yourself. If you need to take a full on hiatus, do it. Getting healthy-ish is the most important thing. Having some remasters of your articles is great, but not if you have to fight with your body to do it.

Hey, Brockway. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. I know it might sound silly, but I’ll be praying for you, particularly since there’s nothing I can do to help in the physical realm. Stay strong and thanks for all of the articles. I look forward to reading some classic Brockway in the coming weeks.

Goddamn, man, I’m sorry to hear that.
I’ll be honest that when I first joined here, I was only really following Seanbaby, but your articles won me over instantly.
While you’ll be missed, health always comes first. You never need to apologise for taking care of yourself.

Dude I know this will sound silly because you don’t know me, and will probably never know me, but I love you and sincerely hope you figure out what’s causing you so much pain. We’re here with you, brother!

Hey, Brockway re-runs still beat 99% of the new content on every other site out there. (Especially, you know, THAT one.)

Take care of yourself, and don’t worry about anything else. And as far as it being “not the schedule you promised,” well, I just upped my Patreon tier to let you know what I think about that.

You guys make my life better. That’s isn’t saying much but it is the truth. Wish you a speedy recovery and a shiny new surgically attached robot penis.

What the fuck Brockway. You should’ve taken a break sooner. Nobody’s disappointed, you’ve given us enough jokes, we’re more worried about your health. Get better Barbarian

I have a lot of chronic medical stuff, including neuro functioning stuff that can’t be particularly connected to a specific source. It fucking sucks what you are going through and I hope you have good support and access to a solid health network. My only advice is attack it from every angle, including mental health, because stress and anxiety massively affect neuro symptoms, and physio.

Get better man, you are fucking awesome.

This blows, but I concur with the people who say you should wind down completely for a while if it helps you get healthy. We’ll be here when you get back.

At the end of the day, you gotta do what’s best to take care of you man. I’ll be rooting for your success at kicking the shit out of these health issues, and already look forward to your triumphant return to regular content! Remember your mantra (before Bill Paxton fucked things up for you): Conan, what is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of their women! Your health issues are your enemies, now crush them like Royce Gracie crushed all of our fantasies about how awesome karate was!

Fuck, I don t even know you but this shit made me sad. I hope you can discover what is going on and get well.
Good luck and a hug from Italy.

I’ve been a fan of yours for years Brockway and can only imagine I will be even more of a fan when you become Knife Roomba Brockway.

The beauty of a nitrate rich almost food like a hotdog is that it never goes stale, so the site will be waiting for you when you’re back on form.

Get well soon and big love from the UK, buddy

I’m so sorry to hear of the ordeal you’ve been going through. I hope the doctors can figure out what’s going on and that you make a full recovery. The world needs human laff machines like you.

If by chance you find the switch labelled “Start autodestructing in 40 years” just select “no” instead. And tell me where the motherfucker is. Get better and rest!

Dude, stop worrying about the site so much and focus on getting rest. Everybody understands, everybody wants you to prioritize taking care of yourself.

We believe in you. You’re gonna get through this, you’re gonna be okay, and you’re gonna be the magical girl you always wanted to be. In the meantime, the best thing you can do is rest.

Dude, you can just, y’know, NOT work instead of doing less work. My money isn’t going anywhere. We support this site so that 2+ of our favorite content creators wouldn’t die pointlessly to capitalism and could instead die awesomely to rocket bears.

It’s probably the 5Gs or aliens messing up your system. Or alien 5Gs that only you can sense like the proverbial mine canary. Have you checked yourself for witch curses?

Regardless, I really hope you feel and get better as soon as. You’re one of my favourite, smartest internet people (what that’s worth) and deserve better than any agony.
Don’t tell Seanbaby this (he might run across the ocean naruto style to England to kick my ass) but I’ve enjoyed some of your work more than some of his… but I love you both equally.

So get better soon, as a fan I expect it! ❤

We’ll all be here waiting for you, just focus on getting better and doing what you need to! I hope they figure out what’s going on and that it’s not too too serious…

Agree 100% with all the other comments: take all the time you need. You’re a goddamn national treasure.

I’m glad you’re stepping away to take care of yourself Robert. We’ll all be here when you get back, count on it.

We’re all here pulling for you!!

It was an article of yours that first made me a fan of Cracked – How Not To Deal With The RROD – and I’ve been a fan of your writing ever since. This site is truly a gift to people like me. Take whatever amount of time is necessary, just focus on getting better.

I totally agree with what everyone else has said here.

Brockway, you have been making my life measurably better for over a decade. I have been a rabid ran of everything you’ve written ever since your articles said those two magic words to me one evening. I was just perusing Cracked when your writing reached out to me. It took hold of my hand, and shouted in my face “FOR DIO!!!” and I was yours..

Do whatever you need to get better. If you need help with transportation, co-pays, whatever, let us know. I’m not even religious but if you want prayers, you got ‘em. And rest assured that we will still be here for you whenever you can come back.

So work as much as you think benefits you, but after all the years of laughs you’ve given me I’d rather pay you to rest and recover than work to your own detriment. Just know my patreon dollars will keep coming as long as I have them to give, regardless of how much you’re able to put out.

And tell those doctors they better figure this out or I will Tase-chuck the shit out of them!

dude, you are one of the best in the business. if you never work again, you already made yourself a legend among people who know what the fuck they are talking about.

i wish you nothing but speedy recovery, and will be hopeful to see you come roaring back!!

Hey man

Just wanted to offer one more note of heartfelt encouragement and to say that God bless you man. I’ve been reading your work ever you showed us the dangerous side effects of macguyver and jack o’brien’s yelling whiskey and haven’t ever stopped. Please get better, we need you around for the sake of the 90s, ninjutsu, and a better perspective.

Please rest and hope you feel better. Rest assured we’ll be looking forward to hearing from you.

Okay – I mean when I say “haven’t ever stopped” – obviously I did take breaks. Everyone’s moms weren’t just going to bang themselves and then be disappointed after.

But really man, we hope you get better.

Robert, Ive been a fan ever since I first read your articles on Cracked. Ive been in a similar medical sitch, dropped my patreon support cause i got a new device.
Much love, homie. World needs ya. Stay together.

Have you pissed off Mario Lopez recently?

Seriously though, to echo everyone else’s comments, take as long as you need to recover. And don’t overdo it. Wishing you well.

I wish I could come up with something funny, but I can’t and that’s why I come here! So all my hopes for a prompt return to full health!! Take all the time you need!

Do you . . . do you want all my Malibu comics? I’ll mail them to you.

I am 41 and, in a month, will be having my first checkup in three years. I am now convinced that I will be diagnosed as dead.

Couldn’t you save money if they just run the colonoscopy all the way through? Get better man. No rush.

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