Learning Day: The Ghostphone 🌭

Communion is a movie about jazz dancing with aliens, and hats. Hats for all occasions. Christopher Walken plays a character so insane that Christopher Walken thought it was a bit much. Christopher Walken stepped outside of himself for possibly the only time in his life and thought “WHOA, Christopher Walken,THIS is rid…iculous.” You probably read “dancing aliens,” and “self aware Christopher Walken,” and assumed Communion is a work of fiction. You are technically incorrect. It’s based on a true story, which happens to be a hilarious lie. Communion is the story of Whitley Strieber, UFO activist, spiritual idiot, semi-professional star lunatic and very professional liar. I don’t even think it’s true that he likes hats. This movie was based on his biographical book: Communion, A True Story.

“I bet this book is gonna be wild!” You, the Hot Dog enthusiast, say, knowing how this goes.

No. We’re not even going to open it.

Here’s the back.

Enhance.

How does one survive the afterlife? Is this a Flatliners thing, a club of morbid perverts edging death until they climax in the ghost plane? Just say that, Whitney, it’s 2023 it’s not even weird anymore. There’s a subreddit just for that fetish and a second subreddit just for calling that first subreddit ghost appropriation. Wait, is Afterlife Survivor an overwrought way of saying he died briefly but it didn’t take? That’s barely anything. Today we call that sleep apnea, fifty years ago we called it “just dad’s time.”

“Oh, I get it – the article’s about this other, way crazier book!” You say, recognizing a Hot Dog twist when you see one.

No. We’ll never mention it again.

Any time you see the letters “Dr.” in front of some spirit bullshit that means either hip hop legend Dr. Ghost’s new album sucks, or somebody’s got a fake degree and a briefcase full of magic crystals with your aunt’s name on them.

Actual PhD? Neurology? A… is that a real school? This can’t be the same person.

It’s the same person.

At the University of Arizona right now there is a Doctorate of Psychology from Harvard who’s 100% certain that ghosts are real and you can hang with them. Now, academics believe in all sorts of weird shit, it’s the premise of Ghostbusters and every Don DeLillo protagonist. UA likely keeps Dr. Gary Schwartz around because he’s really good at psychology. The Laboratory of Advances in Consciousness and Health is probably a respectable mental health research center and not some sort of reverse Flatliners ghost laboratory where they edge ghosts until they climax on the living plane.

The University of Arizona has a ghost laboratory. I guess maybe there’s… they could be studying why people believe in ghosts. Cultural shit. Spiritual Anthropology, if you’re trying to get laid. Yeah! That’s something that fits comfortably into the way I understand the world, it’s probably just that!

Holy shit, what is SoulPhone™? Surely the paranormal laboratory at the University of Arizona is not using university funding to build an actual telephone to call ghosts.

That’s exactly what they’re doing.

The current tuition at the University of Arizona for an in-state undergraduate is 12,000 dollars. For a four year degree, that comes out to nearly 50,000 dollars for an education. If you are currently or formerly a student at the University of Arizona, I want you to know that some of that 50,000 dollars went to making a smartphone for revenants.

Hold on. University funding is a complicated thing. Some rich alumnus wandered into the therapy wing raving about spirits and one elaborate farce involving bedsheets and projectors later, boom – you got the ghost department funded. They’re probably just doing the ghost phone on paper and really using those funds to scientifically prove once and for all that schizophrenics don’t like being poked or whatever.

Because that last paragraph sounded so reasonable, there’s no way you believed it. Good instincts, here’s the SoulSwitch™.

They built a ghost lightswitch that spirits can use to communicate with the living world in simple yes/no responses. The SoulSwitch uses some kind of plasma field bullshit and can respond to ten yes/no questions over a period of thirty minutes with a reported accuracy of 80%. To recap, there is an actual ghost laboratory at the University of Arizona working on a way to bootycall the hereafter and they have so far produced a button that takes half an hour to be only sort of right.

That’s just the first step! A proof of concept. See, the SoulSwitch™ is going to lead to the SoulKeyboard™ .

Twitter is already an infected snakepit and it’s full of only living racists. These guys want to actually take Twitter into hell. “Let’s see what Hitler RTs,” Gary Schwartz proposes to a packed board meeting, hoping to be fired. He almost hates the money he’s showered with in response.

But forget about sliding into the DMs of the dead, wait til you hear about SoulVoice™

I actually respect having a trademark based on pure gumption alone. These guys have 1/16th of a ouija board and they’re already dropping those TM $50s just in case a Soul Plane sequel beats them to the punch.

GHOST ZOOM.

They’re talking about how ghost zoom will allow webinars with deceased luminaries, like Leonardo Da Vinci is going to be doing a masterclass. If heaven exists and Da Vinci is in it, do you know what he’s doing? Plowing Mona Lisa. He might let you watch but you better burn $50 right now to grab SoulnlyFans™ or you’re getting shut out of the ghost porn boom.

This is so naive. Your boss already insists you telecommute with COVID, if these motherfuckers invent ghost zoom you’re going to be sitting in on earnings reports from hell. “Haha, isn’t that already hell?” You joke. Yes, but now the devil’s going to be shoving your entire grandma up your ass while Doug points out you spelled it “reciepts” on the PowerPoint again.

That’s a cute hypothetical. “Hey imagine what Tesla would say on ghost zoom!” Obviously SoulPhone™ is not honestly implying they are currently using a phantom light switch to play 20 questions with Nikola Tesla.

The University of Arizona is outsourcing labor to ghosts.

I’ll bite, who’s on this Ghost A-Team and follow-up question: can a van burnout in heaven?

This right here is a legitimate PhD from Harvard currently working on a ghost phone at a major American University, describing the spirit labor he is outsourcing from the netherrealm and still my first thought is “How are you getting Edison and Tesla to work together?” Thomas Edison killed an elephant just to fuck with Tesla. Wait. Do Elephants get ghosts? Let’s conference her in, really hash this whole thing out, address the elephant in the r- sorry, Mrs. Peanuts, that was insensitive.

Criticizing the poltergeist staffing of a paranormal laboratory trying to turn a lightswitch into ghost Zoom is probably missing the point a bit, but… what is with this team? What the fuck is Carl Sagan gonna do? He’s probably grumpy you ripped him from space to focus test a Magic 8-Ball. This is pure stunt casting. Where is Alexander Graham Bell? He was building an actual ghost phone when he died! He should at least be here so you can rub it in! If you’re just pulling names out of a hat, why isn’t Marilyn Monroe on this team? Macho Man Randy Savage. Michael Jackson, shoot for the moon.

Son of a bitch!

There is an obvious problem with claiming that Michael Jackson is interning from beyond the grave at your ghost laboratory. Okay, several problems. Several nesting problems that get deeper and more absurd with each doll that’s revealed. But let’s just talk about the ethics of letting Michael Jackson Zoom into your ghost lab from his laptop in heaven, despite the seriousness of the allegations against him when he was alive.

Jesus, what an absurd place we’ve wound up in this comedy article. We’ve gone so deep down the rabbit hole we’re worrying about employing undead potential sex criminals. That we’re even stressing about this minutia when it’s all predicated on “ghosts are real, and they telecommute” shows we’ve lost all sense of perspective.

Just like Dr. Gary Schwartz, who has a section rebutting that exact concern.

Good lord, he’s doubling down on a bad ghost hire so hard he’s accusing the actual living victims of trying to persecute a spectral pedophile. This is-

Do we need to start a ghost #MeToo?

#MeBoo