It’s time to stop paying for healthcare, everybody! What, you haven’t been? Great! The secret to healing has finally been revealed and it is shapes. Why didn’t we think of shapes sooner? Here, have some healing shapes; they’re based on crop circles and come in a crop circle resonance pack of 49 cards:
I know what you’re thinking: these high-quality, hand-assembled squiggles must be so expensive! Not so, my friend. It’s only $44.50 for 49 artisanal cards. That’s practically a steal when you consider they have to pay ET’s astronomical residual price for the IP.
The History Channel show Ancient Aliens featured a variety of “Alien Experts” who consider themselves an authority on stuff like crop circles. You’ve probably seen clips of the main Ancient Aliens guys like Giorgio A. Tsoukalos and Ariel Bar Tzadok, you know, the famous ones, but if you go deep, deep into the Ancient Aliens bench, you’ll find B-list alien expert Freddy Silva, creator of the crop circle resonance cards.
I don’t know if I trust a guy who looks like if cigarettes were a person to tell me how to heal myself. That’s probably why Freddy doesn’t heavily advertise his connection to the crop circle resonance cards. I only figured out they were his product because the instruction booklet directed me to cropcirclesecrets.org for additional information and most of the additional information was how to purchase Freddy Silva’s books. He primarily writes about aliens, but he also wrote one book about how dogs are cute.
On the section of his website where he sheepishly admits to creating the crop circle resonance cards, he says that while he was sharing his knowledge on detecting subtle energies at sacred temples, his audience of thousands was clamoring for a way to get some of that BHE (Big Healing Energy) without traveling to their local crop circle. Finding your local UFO landing site can be a hassle. Now you get all of the benefits of being abducted without all the surplus cow carcasses!
So, how exactly is a picture of a rejected spider man logo supposed to cure your IBS? Well, you see, the answer is DNA shapes, and so are these; therefore, it works. It’s just science, you guys. Here I’ll let the instruction booklet explain in far less detail.
This scientific word salad works for me. The ancient cultures did it, so it must be good for you! Back in the day, when a splinter could kill you, they really understood healing better than we do now. That logic is always solid.
Great news, you don’t need a medical degree to use these cards. You don’t even need to understand what an organism is. Imagine a doctor saying, “Unfortunately, you have measles but don’t worry, I have the cure; it’s three dots. Oh, those aren’t working for you? Try four dots; one has a weird little hand coming out of it. If that doesn’t cure you, we’re going to have to pull out the big guns. Yeah, that’s right, one dot.”
Using these cards is so easy you literally don’t have to do anything. The obligation to heal is placed on, as Freddy Silva so kindly phrases it, “the diseased person.” The aliens that made these crop circles want you to pull yourself up by your bootstrings and heal yourself. You have to choose the shape that will heal you the best. Pick a card, any card, but do it quickly before your appendix bursts!
So essentially, these cards are a medical Rorschach test meets Russian Roulette. You have to look at them, guess which disease you think they should heal, then hope you guessed correctly, or die. This might come out wrong, but if you’re one of those people who think every obscure blob looks a little bit like a penis or vagina, I hope you’re blessed with only genital diseases.
Again, if the healing doesn’t work, it is the diseased person’s fault. Don’t forget healing is a personal choice, and what does healing even mean anyway? Defining a healed person as someone who is alive is actually a little close-minded. Woke people understand that aliens consider death a form of healing. In fact, the Predator considers it the most efficient form of healing, and it made at least two-thirds of these crops circles for you.
If the Predator’s intent doesn’t come through the cards correctly and heal your bunions, that might not be what you actually need. According to these cards, the universe might think you need to die to learn your lesson. Wow, crop circle cards. That’s the darkest thought a one page pamphlet has ever conveyed to me. I bet Freddy Silva saw Final Destination and rooted for the inevitability of death.
Should you decide that you’re not happy with the universe teaching you a lesson by not healing you, there is a customer service email for the cards. You can just email your private medical information to the man from Ancient Aliens, and it will help you heal…somehow. Probably by adding you to his mailing list for future cute dog books as he hard pivots away from alien healing.
The thing that really gets me about these cards is we know crop circles aren’t real, even more than we know how most psychic phenomena aren’t real. Two British men named Doug and Dave admitted to producing over 200 crop circles starting when they were teenagers in the 1970s. They lived in a small town with not much else to do, and they decided to spend their weekends pranking the entire world for two full decades. That’s right, one of the greatest mysteries of the modern era was solved, and the solution was “Doug did it while he was trashed.”
If I find out one day that Doug and Dave did Stonehenge, too, I am going to be so pissed off. Of course, hardcore UFOlogists didn’t really care that Doug and Dave admitted to the crop circle hoax, even though several crop circle experts recognized them as two of the first on the scene at most crop circles – almost as if they knew where they were because they were WORKING WITH THE ALIENS. Caught you, Doug, and Dave.
Doug and Dave showed reporters old design drawings and photographs of themselves making the circles. They presented a truly overwhelming amount of proof, but some people just weren’t willing to let the crop circle dream die because they were making big crop circle money by that point. Again, it’s nearly $50 for some cards that aren’t even laminated! There’s a whole section in the instructions on caring for the cards that basically says, “Look, these are not very well made, so don’t touch them a bunch with your greasy little fingers while they’re healing you.” If you do, call me for wet card advice, I’m so alone.
So, when you use these cards to request healing from the subtle energies of the universe, you’re not actually relying on the intelligence of a high race of beings. You’re asking two elderly dudes from rural England. Granted, they seem like smart, chill guys who would probably heal you if they could. They had a bunch of people publicly claiming no human technology could produce crop circles for two decades before they came out and said, “lol we just used a board with a piece of string tied to it.”
By the way, if anyone is spontaneously healed by these circles (or killed if that’s what healing means to you), you owe 1900HOTDOG payment in the form of one of our approved currencies. We accept Hulk Hogan hats, your deepest secrets, or Malibu Comics.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Craig Lemoine, who is also a form of healing not approved by the government or recommended by any doctor.