Punching Day: WWF’s Maximum Sweat

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TL;DR A Gangrel from the VtM RPG could sweat either blood or regular sweat if it wanted to. So, bizarrely and surprisingly, the logic of this weird toy stands up (at least in regards to vampires – not so much human faces, anatomy, or sanity). I’d file this one under “a broken clock is right twice a day”.

Some half-remembered nerdery on the subject of vampires and sweat: To the best of my recollection/understanding, vampires in Vampire: the Masquerade don’t sweat anything under normal circumstances, lacking most of the biological responses and processes of living humans. They have a lot of voluntary control over the vitae (mystically altered blood) in their bodies and I believe could sweat blood (in addition to using it like other body fluids – crying it has the most canonical basis) if they wanted to for some reason, but it would be voluntary rather than a response to heat or exertion as I understand it. The fact that Tremere blood sorcerers can steal other vampires’ blood by causing it to stream out of their skin is further suggestive that it can be caused to flow out through the pores (although, once again, not in response to exercise or body temperature).

Vampires in VtM can also spend some of their blood reserves for an effect called “The Blush of Life”, which causes them to temporarily appear to be alive, well enough to pass a basic medical examination. Logically, this would include sweating normal sweat the same way a living person would. So, my ruling (as someone who used to run a Vampire LARP – yes, I’m pretty much maximum nerd) would be that a vampire who’s a wrestler could, by activating Blush of Life before entering the ring, get just as sweaty as any living wrestler for the duration of the fight. It would be draining and require extra feeding for a vampire to do this often, but a wrestler who only used this trick during matches wouldn’t have their blood supply affected too significantly.

So, weirdly, this toy stands up under the Vampire: the Masquerade rules. If a player in my Vampire LARP back when I ran one said “my character is a wrestler who gets *reaaaal* sweaty during matches!” I’d say, “Uh, that’s fine, you do you buddy.” and it probably wouldn’t even be the weirdest thing I heard that night.

My brother and I had a fair few wrestling figures as tweens, but even then we had enough taste to know that the maximum sweat figures were fucking hideous and VERY inappropriately sexual. As an adult I know these existed because (everybody sing along) Vince McMahon likes big, sweaty men, Vince McMahon likes big, sweaty men, Vince McMahon likes big, sweaty… men.

Pleasantly, these figures weren’t originally meant to sweat, but rather BLEED. The policy of “blading” (intentionally cutting yourself with a razor to make your forehead bleed and create additional excitement) was pretty much unlimited in the nineties; guys would bleed during free tv matches for basically no reason. Apparently some from Jakks PR got in the designers ear that there was no POSSIBLE way such an idea would fly in the era of the PMRC, so they decided sweat was actually LESS unsavory than the original plan.

If you hadn’t told me that was a figure of The Rock, I would’ve sworn Christopher Meloni was hulking out.

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