When I started 1900HOTDOG with Brockway in 2020, there was an implied dealā we would never be apart again. And for many years that was trueā we shared ninja movies, fake Gerard Butlers, and the Bitch of Bingh Kan. Like brothers. I told him I could handle things when he said he had to take a few months off, but that wasnāt true. My life is a mess without him, just like yours. But what if I told you there was an exciting home game that could simulate a Brockway any time you needed one!? Introducing BrockrollersĀ®! The Exciting Game of Roll When Brockwayās Not There!ā¢!
Like all of my games, the rules are simple. First, roll two Blue Brockway Cubesā¢ to get ideas or things Brockway might enjoy. These cubes were made by combining things Brockway says all the time in our work Slack with the top pornographic keyword searches in Utah. Itās like how they give one guy on the firing squad a fake bullet, only with light butt stuffā the exact kind of wildcard move Brockway would have liked.
Once rolled, place your two cubes in DICE ZONE ONE and DICE ZONE TWO on your official BrockrollersĀ® Gameplay Cube Boardā¢. Next, roll one Red Brockway Wildcard Cubeā¢ and put it on the MODIFIER ZONE because a second wildcard element is the kind of wildcard move Brockway would have liked.
Start the 30 minute timer on your Brockway Action Hourglassā¢ and stare at your three Brockway Cubesā¢. What do they mean together? How would a madman express them? After your 30 minutes are up, manifest your cubes with an animated gif in the BrockrollersĀ® Winning Gif Gameplay Gif Boardā¢. If youāre right, you win 10 points! First winner to win 150 points without using pornography wins! Iām playing right now if you want to join me!
OVEN ROASTED TURKEY? Something must have gone wrong during manufacturing because thatās zany, but not funny zany. Brockway is going to be so mad if I accidentally designed Cards Against Humanity with his face on it. Iāll roll my second him cube, and if this one sucks weāll bail on the entire premise.
Oh hell yes. According to the rules, YUM YUM HUNKS! is a Brockway Jackpotā¢, so I roll 3 more cubes.
Oh no, I might have overtuned the eroticism of this board game. So far I have six guys fucking a turkey, and thatās just A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Maybe my Red Brockway Wildcard Cubeā¢ can rescue it?
SECRET GUN!? Okay, so I blew it. I made an impossible game. Adding a secret gun to fully nude Latino hunks penetrating a turkey would be easy in Pictionary, but Iām not going to be able to find a gif of that. I give up. Iām going to quit and watch the 1985 film Light Blast by Enzo Castellari. You know him, he directed the Italian TV series, Detective Extralarge. Anyway, sorry! Enjoy this promotional photo from Detective Extralarge while I watch Light Blast.
Guys. Youāre not going to fucking believe thisā¦
I found an OVEN ROASTED TURKEY, YUM YUM HUNKS, LATINO HUNKS!, FULLY NUDE HUNKS, FULL PENETRATION, SECRET GUN gif! Certified hunk, Erik Estrada, is in this movie, wearing no clothes and hiding a secret gun in his turkey. Do you know what this means!? It means my game works! I won 10 BrockrollersĀ® Points, and you win this gif! Letās keep playing.
Okay, I rolled BOXCAR FUCKING and LASER MELT with the wildcard modifier of LASER MELT!. Iām sure itās identical to the contents of Brockwayās mind most of the day, so in that way it works, but I might have to concede that a gif of this could never exist.
Wait, I just remembered earlier in the 1985 film, Light Blast, a young couple snuck away for some hobo sex in the wrong trainyardā a laser melt trainyard.
If Brockway was here, heād probably say āthis is just a normal way to fuck.ā But heās not, and heās wrong, so I win ten more points! By the way, Light Blast is a pretty good movie. Itās about a madman holding San Francisco hostage with a death beam that turns LCD billboards into laser bombs. The guy who directed Detective Extralarge made it! Itās my turn again.
I rolled LATINO HUNKS!, SHOT GUN TO THE DICK, and KICK TO THE DICK, which is whatās known as a Brockway Handshake. This is exactly what I wanted from the game ā itās indistinguishable from a work message from Brockway. It really feels like heās here with us. As for how Iām going to communicate this idea in gif form, I have good news for you, Brockway: the 1985 film Light Blast.
What a glorious way to die, dick-first at the shotgun and foot of an almost nude Erik Estrada. This is what all terminal patients used to wish for before meeting John Cena was an option. Speaking of tens and winners, I win 10 points. My turn again:
LATINO HUNKS!, no problem. SEX VAN, perfect. And my wildcard isā¦ MEDIA CRITICISM? What? That sucks. How am I supposed to express that in a gif? What kind of an asshole would even try? I mean, maybe if I looked everywhereā¦ scoured every corner of human historyā¦ letās see, Latino hunks, sex van, media criticismā¦ Latino hunks, sex vanā¦
Iāve got it! The 1985 film, Light Blast!
That makes it my turn!
Oh, hell yeah. Sexy is back in this Exciting Game of Roll When Brockwayās Not There!ā¢! This was an easy gif to find since all these words are already best friends, but none of them are legal to play in BrockrollersĀ® or civilized societyā two very different things, but sharing the same values when it comes to helping stepmothers trapped in washing machines. Weāre here to honor you, stepmothers. And to curse you, because if Iām not allowed to use your free, uncensored, amateur action, where am I going to find a HUNK SURPRISE TITTY BLAST featuring MATURE MILFS?
The 1985 film, Light Blast.
Itās my turn again, and my cubes say I need to find a gif describing SUICIDE BY COP and EXPLOSION, but it needs to be NEEDLESS! POINTLESS!. Iām starting to realize this game would be unthinkably dark and lewd in anyone elseās handsā a perfect way to describe Brockway as a writer. Which makes me, once again, the worldās greatest game designer.
In the 1985 film, Light Blast, this cop gently drove away from a pursuit and into a wall of explosive barrels to kill himself on a pile of exploding cars. I have no fucking idea why, but that was the assignment. Ten points for me.
Finding SEXY NURSE DICK ATTACK should be no problem. In fact, Microsoft Bing somehow already knew thatās what I was searching for when I typed āS.ā But if thereās one thing I know about dick attacks, and I speak Dick Attack in 14 languages, itās that you canāt do them forever. ENDLESS is a tough wildcard cube. My winning streak may be over.
Wait! I found it! In an obscure 1985 film, Light Blast, a nurse gets into a kick fight with Erik Estradaās dick and she wins, and wins, and wins. Just like me. Ten points. My turn again:
I rolled the NEEDLESS! POINTLESS! wildcard again, which is great. Itās the first editorial mandate Brockway and I wrote together. But it does not work well with DEFENESTRATION, one of the most purposeful kinds of attacks which pulls from an entirely different talent tree than EXPLOSION. This round is chaos. I donāt know how Iām going to do this.
In an incredible stroke of luck, I found a 1985 film called Light Blast where a man flies out a window just in time to explode on a car. I canāt tell you why. Two characters never seen before or again watch him do it, and neither of them could tell you whatās going on. One of them might not even know heās in a movie. And speaking of a flawless combination of stupid and rad, Iām a winner again..
Okay, DICK ATTACK, LATINO HUNKS!ā¦ seems easy enough. Thatās what Brockway gets me for my birthday and writes on my birthday cards, respectively. But CORPSE THROWING is a nightmare of a wildcard. I cause enough problems in night clubs to know that in Latin Hunk culture, itās extremely rude to attack someoneās dick after theyāve died. Iām never going to be able to find this oneā¦
ā¦ except in the 1985 film Light Blast where Erik Estrada dropkicks a guy in the nuts with a dead bodyās legs. āDonāt worry, everybody gets cold feetā¦ IN YOUR DICK!ā he didnāt say. It never occurred to him to say, āRest in balls, my friend,ā either. He maybe should have said, āOrder up! One cadaver to the penis!ā but didnāt. If Brockway was here, heād get things back on track by having Erik Estrada say, āToe tagā¦ to the ball bag,ā and light a cigarette. And then I would go, āHey everyone, get in here! This guyās putting his dong on the dead bodies!ā and the bit would die because thereās nowhere to go from there. The real point Iām getting to is my 10 points, which I won the moment this cadaver hit that hunk in the cock.
Iāll tell you the same thing I tell every casino pit boss: I canāt help it if I keep rolling LATINO HUNKS!. And when you add TITTY BLAST and ROWBOAT FIRE, I am one COREY FELDMAN away from my dream music festival. But I canāt make a gif from this ridiculous set of words. Not in a thousand years.
No, wait! In the 1985 film, Light Blast, this guy gets shot right in the titty while Erik Estrada hates a rowboat fire. This movie rules. Just like the zipline business Brockway and I started, at least 40% of it is hunks watching people die.
LATINO HUNKS! and SEXY NURSE with a PUNCH modifier. I donāt know about this one. I might pass. Because like I told Corey Feldman before I punched him, I donāt believe in punching hunks.
I donāt believe in punching nurses either, but in the 1985 film, Light Blast, Erik Estrada grabs one and puts his fist into her brain. Heās probably not thought of as a great actor, but look at this performance. In the time it takes to load up a hockey punch he shows us anger, reluctance, acceptance, regretā¦ this hunk really didnāt want to have to do this! Same here, but ten points is ten points, Erik Estrada!
DUNE BUGGY DUNE BUGGY MANIAC is the character Brockway becomes when he mixes his medication. Itās also his catchphrase and police report. I was hoping to use a second gif from the 1985 film Light Blast, but Light Blast is a morguefighting police procedural about San Francisco lasers. Thereās not going to be dune buggies in it.
In the 1985 film Light Blast, Erik Estrada steals a dune buggy and immediately goes dune buggy crazy, power drifting it down the wrong side of the freeway. And if youāre wondering how much it costs for a film crew to shut down a busy Bay Area highway so Erik Estrada can dune buggy into traffic, the answer may shock youā probably nothing! From the way Light Blast was shot, lit, and budgeted, I think a lot of it was made without shooting permits. Thereās a good chance these other drivers arenāt āperforming.ā Thereās also a good chance no one told Erik Estrada.
TITTY BLAST, SEXY NURSE, WEIRD FOOT STUFFā¦ we donāt have an HR department here at 1900HOTDOG, so this looks like three ordinary fields Brockway would enter in our scheduling calendar. I miss saying things to him like, āWe are WEIRD FOOT STUFF heavy this week, so letās move Swaimās column to the 11th. And Iāll save this VHS about pudding stomping for December.ā Iām stalling because I donāt have any gifs for this I can show you. I may have finally lost a round of BrockrollersĀ®.
Hold everything, I just found a 1985 film called Light Blast where Erik Estrada uses a foot as a bullet shield then shoots a nurseās titty off. In any circumstances thatās a victory, and BrockrollersĀ® is no exception.
āDUNE BUGGY DUNE BUGGY UNEXPLAINED,ā is the name of the Unsolved Mystery episode they didnāt know was about Brockway. But this is a tough one. UNEXPLAINED does not belong with the word DUNE BUGGY or the word DUNE BUGGY. No one will ever ask for or require a dune buggy explanation. If you saw me jump a dune buggy into a volcano and asked, āWhyād he do that?ā I would climb out of the lava and slap you. Because it was cooler than not doing it, dumbass! Do your dune buggy research.
Anyway, this is inconceivable. Iāll never find a gif for this. I guess Iāll add up my points and see hā
Wait, donāt stop the game! I found one. In the 1985 film Light Blast, two identical cars collide in a San Francisco intersection, but thatās not the unexplained part. Erik Estradaās dune buggy is heading directly for the wreck, and with only plenty of time to drive around, his dune buggy instincts kick in. āTell physics to fuck off; Iām going to jump these fucking cars,ā he told the universe. āFuck yeah, you are,ā the universe said. āAnd if any beings are using this moment in a game of BrockrollersĀ®, they just earned ten points.ā
Guys, this win means Iāve won 140 points. I only need one more win to win!
It all comes down to this. All I have to do to roll a perfect game of BrockrollersĀ® is find a gif combining LASER MELT! with LATINO HUNKS! and PERFECT ENDING. I believe in me! This is for you, Brockway!
In the 1985 film Light Blast, Erik Estrada jumps a dune buggy onto a barge to stop a lunatic from laser-exploding San Francisco with his death ray. It wasnāt what he was trying to do, at all, but he jumps onto the barge so hard the laser gets knocked loose and melts its inventor. Erik Estrada peeks through the hatch and does what heās been doing the whole movieā he watches a man die. Then, with theatrical timing honed by a thousand CHiPs freeze frames, he just kind of leaves. Roll credits.
Itās the perfect ending to a perfect movie and the perfect gif for a perfect round of the perfect board game. Youāre welcome, Brockway. I miss you.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Moexu, and that means 10 more points for Seanbaby.
3 replies on āReflecting Day: Brockrollers the Home Brockway Gamešā
The finest bromance I ever saw
Itās like he never left.
I thought I knew how gifs work but somehow all of these played the chorus from the incredible Light Blast theme song.
āDonāt know what your love costs,
Til your loveās lost,
And youāre out there on your ownā