Reflecting Day: Brockrollers the Home Brockway Game🌭

When I started 1900HOTDOG with Brockway in 2020, there was an implied deal– we would never be apart again. And for many years that was true– we shared ninja movies, fake Gerard Butlers, and the Bitch of Bingh Kan. Like brothers. I told him I could handle things when he said he had to take a few months off, but that wasn’t true. My life is a mess without him, just like yours. But what if I told you there was an exciting home game that could simulate a Brockway any time you needed one!? Introducing Brockrollers®! The Exciting Game of Roll When Brockway’s Not There!™!

Like all of my games, the rules are simple. First, roll two Blue Brockway Cubes™ to get ideas or things Brockway might enjoy. These cubes were made by combining things Brockway says all the time in our work Slack with the top pornographic keyword searches in Utah. It’s like how they give one guy on the firing squad a fake bullet, only with light butt stuff– the exact kind of wildcard move Brockway would have liked.

Once rolled, place your two cubes in DICE ZONE ONE and DICE ZONE TWO on your official Brockrollers® Gameplay Cube Board™. Next, roll one Red Brockway Wildcard Cube™ and put it on the MODIFIER ZONE because a second wildcard element is the kind of wildcard move Brockway would have liked.

Start the 30 minute timer on your Brockway Action Hourglass™ and stare at your three Brockway Cubes™. What do they mean together? How would a madman express them? After your 30 minutes are up, manifest your cubes with an animated gif in the Brockrollers® Winning Gif Gameplay Gif Board™. If you’re right, you win 10 points! First winner to win 150 points without using pornography wins! I’m playing right now if you want to join me!

OVEN ROASTED TURKEY? Something must have gone wrong during manufacturing because that’s zany, but not funny zany. Brockway is going to be so mad if I accidentally designed Cards Against Humanity with his face on it. I’ll roll my second him cube, and if this one sucks we’ll bail on the entire premise.

Oh hell yes. According to the rules, YUM YUM HUNKS! is a Brockway Jackpot™, so I roll 3 more cubes.

Oh no, I might have overtuned the eroticism of this board game. So far I have six guys fucking a turkey, and that’s just A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Maybe my Red Brockway Wildcard Cube™ can rescue it?

SECRET GUN!? Okay, so I blew it. I made an impossible game. Adding a secret gun to fully nude Latino hunks penetrating a turkey would be easy in Pictionary, but I’m not going to be able to find a gif of that. I give up. I’m going to quit and watch the 1985 film Light Blast by Enzo Castellari. You know him, he directed the Italian TV series, Detective Extralarge. Anyway, sorry! Enjoy this promotional photo from Detective Extralarge while I watch Light Blast.

Guys. You’re not going to fucking believe this…

I found an OVEN ROASTED TURKEY, YUM YUM HUNKS, LATINO HUNKS!, FULLY NUDE HUNKS, FULL PENETRATION, SECRET GUN gif! Certified hunk, Erik Estrada, is in this movie, wearing no clothes and hiding a secret gun in his turkey. Do you know what this means!? It means my game works! I won 10 Brockrollers® Points, and you win this gif! Let’s keep playing.

Okay, I rolled BOXCAR FUCKING and LASER MELT with the wildcard modifier of LASER MELT!. I’m sure it’s identical to the contents of Brockway’s mind most of the day, so in that way it works, but I might have to concede that a gif of this could never exist.

Wait, I just remembered earlier in the 1985 film, Light Blast, a young couple snuck away for some hobo sex in the wrong trainyard– a laser melt trainyard.

If Brockway was here, he’d probably say “this is just a normal way to fuck.” But he’s not, and he’s wrong, so I win ten more points! By the way, Light Blast is a pretty good movie. It’s about a madman holding San Francisco hostage with a death beam that turns LCD billboards into laser bombs. The guy who directed Detective Extralarge made it! It’s my turn again.

I rolled LATINO HUNKS!, SHOT GUN TO THE DICK, and KICK TO THE DICK, which is what’s known as a Brockway Handshake. This is exactly what I wanted from the game – it’s indistinguishable from a work message from Brockway. It really feels like he’s here with us. As for how I’m going to communicate this idea in gif form, I have good news for you, Brockway: the 1985 film Light Blast.

What a glorious way to die, dick-first at the shotgun and foot of an almost nude Erik Estrada. This is what all terminal patients used to wish for before meeting John Cena was an option. Speaking of tens and winners, I win 10 points. My turn again:

LATINO HUNKS!, no problem. SEX VAN, perfect. And my wildcard is… MEDIA CRITICISM? What? That sucks. How am I supposed to express that in a gif? What kind of an asshole would even try? I mean, maybe if I looked everywhere… scoured every corner of human history… let’s see, Latino hunks, sex van, media criticism… Latino hunks, sex van…

I’ve got it! The 1985 film, Light Blast!

That makes it my turn!

Oh, hell yeah. Sexy is back in this Exciting Game of Roll When Brockway’s Not There!™! This was an easy gif to find since all these words are already best friends, but none of them are legal to play in Brockrollers® or civilized society– two very different things, but sharing the same values when it comes to helping stepmothers trapped in washing machines. We’re here to honor you, stepmothers. And to curse you, because if I’m not allowed to use your free, uncensored, amateur action, where am I going to find a HUNK SURPRISE TITTY BLAST featuring MATURE MILFS?

The 1985 film, Light Blast.

It’s my turn again, and my cubes say I need to find a gif describing SUICIDE BY COP and EXPLOSION, but it needs to be NEEDLESS! POINTLESS!. I’m starting to realize this game would be unthinkably dark and lewd in anyone else’s hands– a perfect way to describe Brockway as a writer. Which makes me, once again, the world’s greatest game designer.

In the 1985 film, Light Blast, this cop gently drove away from a pursuit and into a wall of explosive barrels to kill himself on a pile of exploding cars. I have no fucking idea why, but that was the assignment. Ten points for me.

Finding SEXY NURSE DICK ATTACK should be no problem. In fact, Microsoft Bing somehow already knew that’s what I was searching for when I typed “S.” But if there’s one thing I know about dick attacks, and I speak Dick Attack in 14 languages, it’s that you can’t do them forever. ENDLESS is a tough wildcard cube. My winning streak may be over.

Wait! I found it! In an obscure 1985 film, Light Blast, a nurse gets into a kick fight with Erik Estrada’s dick and she wins, and wins, and wins. Just like me. Ten points. My turn again:

I rolled the NEEDLESS! POINTLESS! wildcard again, which is great. It’s the first editorial mandate Brockway and I wrote together. But it does not work well with DEFENESTRATION, one of the most purposeful kinds of attacks which pulls from an entirely different talent tree than EXPLOSION. This round is chaos. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

In an incredible stroke of luck, I found a 1985 film called Light Blast where a man flies out a window just in time to explode on a car. I can’t tell you why. Two characters never seen before or again watch him do it, and neither of them could tell you what’s going on. One of them might not even know he’s in a movie. And speaking of a flawless combination of stupid and rad, I’m a winner again..

Okay, DICK ATTACK, LATINO HUNKS!… seems easy enough. That’s what Brockway gets me for my birthday and writes on my birthday cards, respectively. But CORPSE THROWING is a nightmare of a wildcard. I cause enough problems in night clubs to know that in Latin Hunk culture, it’s extremely rude to attack someone’s dick after they’ve died. I’m never going to be able to find this one…

… except in the 1985 film Light Blast where Erik Estrada dropkicks a guy in the nuts with a dead body’s legs. “Don’t worry, everybody gets cold feet… IN YOUR DICK!” he didn’t say. It never occurred to him to say, “Rest in balls, my friend,” either. He maybe should have said, “Order up! One cadaver to the penis!” but didn’t. If Brockway was here, he’d get things back on track by having Erik Estrada say, “Toe tag… to the ball bag,” and light a cigarette. And then I would go, “Hey everyone, get in here! This guy’s putting his dong on the dead bodies!” and the bit would die because there’s nowhere to go from there. The real point I’m getting to is my 10 points, which I won the moment this cadaver hit that hunk in the cock.

I’ll tell you the same thing I tell every casino pit boss: I can’t help it if I keep rolling LATINO HUNKS!. And when you add TITTY BLAST and ROWBOAT FIRE, I am one COREY FELDMAN away from my dream music festival. But I can’t make a gif from this ridiculous set of words. Not in a thousand years.

No, wait! In the 1985 film, Light Blast, this guy gets shot right in the titty while Erik Estrada hates a rowboat fire. This movie rules. Just like the zipline business Brockway and I started, at least 40% of it is hunks watching people die.

LATINO HUNKS! and SEXY NURSE with a PUNCH modifier. I don’t know about this one. I might pass. Because like I told Corey Feldman before I punched him, I don’t believe in punching hunks.

I don’t believe in punching nurses either, but in the 1985 film, Light Blast, Erik Estrada grabs one and puts his fist into her brain. He’s probably not thought of as a great actor, but look at this performance. In the time it takes to load up a hockey punch he shows us anger, reluctance, acceptance, regret… this hunk really didn’t want to have to do this! Same here, but ten points is ten points, Erik Estrada!

DUNE BUGGY DUNE BUGGY MANIAC is the character Brockway becomes when he mixes his medication. It’s also his catchphrase and police report. I was hoping to use a second gif from the 1985 film Light Blast, but Light Blast is a morguefighting police procedural about San Francisco lasers. There’s not going to be dune buggies in it.

In the 1985 film Light Blast, Erik Estrada steals a dune buggy and immediately goes dune buggy crazy, power drifting it down the wrong side of the freeway. And if you’re wondering how much it costs for a film crew to shut down a busy Bay Area highway so Erik Estrada can dune buggy into traffic, the answer may shock you– probably nothing! From the way Light Blast was shot, lit, and budgeted, I think a lot of it was made without shooting permits. There’s a good chance these other drivers aren’t “performing.” There’s also a good chance no one told Erik Estrada.

TITTY BLAST, SEXY NURSE, WEIRD FOOT STUFF… we don’t have an HR department here at 1900HOTDOG, so this looks like three ordinary fields Brockway would enter in our scheduling calendar. I miss saying things to him like, “We are WEIRD FOOT STUFF heavy this week, so let’s move Swaim’s column to the 11th. And I’ll save this VHS about pudding stomping for December.” I’m stalling because I don’t have any gifs for this I can show you. I may have finally lost a round of Brockrollers®.

Hold everything, I just found a 1985 film called Light Blast where Erik Estrada uses a foot as a bullet shield then shoots a nurse’s titty off. In any circumstances that’s a victory, and Brockrollers® is no exception.

“DUNE BUGGY DUNE BUGGY UNEXPLAINED,” is the name of the Unsolved Mystery episode they didn’t know was about Brockway. But this is a tough one. UNEXPLAINED does not belong with the word DUNE BUGGY or the word DUNE BUGGY. No one will ever ask for or require a dune buggy explanation. If you saw me jump a dune buggy into a volcano and asked, “Why’d he do that?” I would climb out of the lava and slap you. Because it was cooler than not doing it, dumbass! Do your dune buggy research.

Anyway, this is inconceivable. I’ll never find a gif for this. I guess I’ll add up my points and see h–

Wait, don’t stop the game! I found one. In the 1985 film Light Blast, two identical cars collide in a San Francisco intersection, but that’s not the unexplained part. Erik Estrada’s dune buggy is heading directly for the wreck, and with only plenty of time to drive around, his dune buggy instincts kick in. “Tell physics to fuck off; I’m going to jump these fucking cars,” he told the universe. “Fuck yeah, you are,” the universe said. “And if any beings are using this moment in a game of Brockrollers®, they just earned ten points.”

Guys, this win means I’ve won 140 points. I only need one more win to win!

It all comes down to this. All I have to do to roll a perfect game of Brockrollers® is find a gif combining LASER MELT! with LATINO HUNKS! and PERFECT ENDING. I believe in me! This is for you, Brockway!

In the 1985 film Light Blast, Erik Estrada jumps a dune buggy onto a barge to stop a lunatic from laser-exploding San Francisco with his death ray. It wasn’t what he was trying to do, at all, but he jumps onto the barge so hard the laser gets knocked loose and melts its inventor. Erik Estrada peeks through the hatch and does what he’s been doing the whole movie– he watches a man die. Then, with theatrical timing honed by a thousand CHiPs freeze frames, he just kind of leaves. Roll credits.

It’s the perfect ending to a perfect movie and the perfect gif for a perfect round of the perfect board game. You’re welcome, Brockway. I miss you.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Moexu, and that means 10 more points for Seanbaby.