Hunk Week: Chippendales Presents Tall Dark and Handsome🌭

Seanbaby: Who has the best hunks?

Brockway: Cleveland Greyhound station around 2AM. They’re not the best looking but they’re real approachable.

Seanbaby: That’s not at all what I mean, I think it’s me, and we’re about to find out. Get your VHS copy of 1987’s Chippendales: Tall Dark & Handsome ready.

Brockway: I can’t believe all three of these gentlemen had the torso ripped off their tuxedos by the same car wash.

Seanbaby: It looks better this way, but no listen: we’re playing HunkWars®, the Exciting Board Game Battle for Buns! Buns! Buns! Supremacy™. It comes with everything you see here.

Brockway: Wait a minute. This is just BrockRollers! That is a tough act to follow. There better be titty blasting in this – what am I saying? Of course there is.

Seanbaby: You’re getting too far ahead in the rules. Well, not too far because step zero is titty blasting. Step one is HunkDraft Phase™, and it’s one of the main reasons I had you get your Chippendales tape out. You and I are each going to watch it, then draft a team of four hunks from any of the featured gentleman dancers. Stop asking questions and press play on your VCR now.

Brockway: Done. I’m hoping that means our hunks are synced up, so that we might be half a world apart but at least we know we’re both looking at the same buns at the same time.

Seanbaby: When selecting hunks, consider all the stats a hunk might need. Snapping to camera initiative. Penis smirking. Penis smirking cooldown. I don’t know why I’m telling you what a hunk needs; you’re a two-time runner up for Bulge, Connecticut’s Easter Parade Yum Yum Boy.

Brockway: I got you. Chest hair oil retention. QPM (Quivers Per Minute). Cocaine Resilience. VSync.

Seanbaby: Okay, that’s enough. I’m trying to enjoy the video.

Brockway: I did not expect Will Forte to be in this.

Seanbaby: Look at that dead-eyed snap to camera. Look at that penis smirk. These fellas are going in my maybe pile. After we have our draft picks locked in, we will enter the BunsOff Phase™ where we roll one Hunk Die™ and one Ordinary Event Die™ to get an HunkWars Activity™. It is here, at the mercy of thong sideball fate, where our preparation and hunk foresight will be tested! A crucible of dick basket! We can only use each hunk once, but fallen hunks are not destroyed! If we are tied after four rounds we will go to a sudden death phase where our entire team competes in a Fuckable Meat Royale. I couldn’t get that trademarked because a cat food executive registered it before leaving the company for undisclosed reasons, are you clear on the rules?

Brockway:

Seanbaby: Okay, great. The instructions say the first player is whichever hunk had the most recent bikini wax. I got one this morning, so that means you go first. Select all four of your hunks now.

Brockway: I’m really tempted to pick Will Forte Hunk, but the thing I value most in a hunk team is consistency of haircut. So I’m going with-

Brockway: Steve Guri is my first pick, because I like a narrow hunk. Steve kind of looks like a handsome cartoon pencil with a blownout mullet, and the key to true beauty is fuckable weirdness. Like how Anya Taylor Joy and Benedict Cumberbatch are both kind of hot praying mantises. Steve Guri is beautiful, no argument, but he also looks like he’s easily stored and that’s important if I’m going to fill my house with hunks. Haha. “If.”

Seanbaby: A classic pencil hunk. Steve Guri has to spray his hair out into that wide shape or hats would fall all the way to his collarbone, and I think I’m mad because his face is more handsome than mine with barely half the surface area.

Brockway: Doug Sacacci shares Steve Guri’s haircut, can-thrust attitude, and sequined thong, since the Chippendale’s budget cuts. The 23% of human width Steve is missing went straight to Doug’s jaw. I think Steve and Doug will have a good dynamic, like how so many comedy duos are made of a fat guy and a skinny guy. Girth variation is paramount in both vaudeville acts and MMF threesomes.

Seanbaby: Doug’s intensity seems weird and non-sexual to me. I’m worried he could be a caveman confused about what these shiny, tiny apes are making him do. But if I know a Chippendales audience, that’s only going to make it hotter.

Brockway: I won’t lie, I only picked Doug Donatelli because I’m hoping to play the Double Doug Technique.

Seanbaby: If you took all the Dougs I’m going to be so fucking pissed.

Brockway: Michael Rapp has it all. He’s got the package, he’s got the package, he’s got the package and the package. Something feels off with that last sentence. Maybe it’s missing an oxford comma? I plugged it into an AI grammar check and the robot said everything looked good except I might want to add unmixed concrete and cyanide and broil it at 7 million degrees for a week. Anyway, I picked Michael Rapp because he’s the perfect hunk, but mostly so I could say “and that’s a Rapp on my hunks!”

Seanbaby: You can take this however you want, but you are really good at picking hunks. I can’t compete with these champions bulge-to-bulge. I need to put together a team of wild cards and hope their underdog spirit gets ladies as horny as your, frankly, unreasonable adonis hunks.

Seanbaby: Cower, enemies and panty dryness, for my first pick is Philip Parrish, master of seduction karate! Kata stripping is genius, and I’m sure of it because it’s exactly what I would do. It’s the first and only thing I will pitch if we adapt our website into a stage show. Speaking of adaptation, Philip took a yellow belt test and made it more limp and sexless to appeal to women. A bold decision. An insane decision. But like I said, I need wild cards.

Seanbaby: Gasp. That’s Malibu. Brockway, that’s American Gladiators‘ Malibu. There’s no time to think about it, I pick Deron McBee, American Gladiators‘ Malibu.

Seanbaby: This hunk is one of my favorite things– just barely not Jean-Claude Van Damme. For my third pick, I select Chris Walley, and only now realize I’m accidentally building a ragtag action hero squad. I have almost a karate man, an actual American Gladiator, and a near Jean-Claude Van Damme. I might not win this male stripper contest, but if I can find a cowboy or a toymaker, I could definitely take down a coal baron in an unaired pilot.

Seanbaby: Frank Gorgeous! Fuck, I panicked. The Chippendales emcee announced, “Frank Gorgeous!” and this little guy, who I assume must have heard him wrong, hopped out. I can’t help but love him. Frank Gorgeous has a face that says, “You’re right, I’m sorry.” For this event, or any, I admit Frank Gorgeous is a bad choice, but there’s a chance his memory will inspire my good hunks to greatness after he’s instantly and completely defeated to death.

Brockway: I would watch your hunks save a struggling local marina from a corrupt speedboat magnate, but I wouldn’t masturbate to it. My hunks are going to eat your hunks alive, and I will masturbate to that.

Seanbaby: With our hunks locked in, it’s time for the BunsOff Phase™! Brockway, roll your Hunk Die™ and your Ordinary Event Die™ to get our first HunkWars Activity™.

Brockway: C’mon, Shoulder Turn and Wink! Baby needs a new pair of buns.

Seanbaby: A meat thrust off! It’s the perfect event to start off our games. No rules, no complications– just two men thrusting meat until we have a winner. There should be dice with your hunks’ faces included in your HunkWars™ box, so find them and place your thrust champion on the board now.

Seanbaby: My team will be represented by Chris Walley. He’s not our strongest thruster, since I’m positive Malibu can fuck his way through a bank vault, but I’m saving him for late in the game. I see you went with one of your Dougs, so go ahead and show me that Doug thrust.

Brockway: See, your mistake is that Chris is a quarter of a Van Damme and that means he’s 60% Twink. We all learned that in Hunkulus II. If this was a Bun Shimmy competition? Sure, Chris would tank Doug. But this is about two things: Meat, and thrusting. Much like the best way to kill a dog, Doug is a steak tied to a jackhammer. It might be the only thing he is. Unless Doug comes out here and just quietly presents his schlong for inspection you’re going to-

Brockway: Whichever Doug you are, you’re so fucking lucky I still need you for the Double Doug Attack.

Seanbaby: This is an interesting technique. Unfortunately, you’re bringing a cute idea to a nuclear pelvis explosion. Chris Walley has two dance moves. The first one is violent fucking, and the second one is aiming in a slightly different direction. Every lady in the room gets fifty wet pumps. His hips are like a sophisticated irrigation system, and you can always tell when Chris Walley had a performance because the plants will be growing human fingers in a perfect 800 yard radius.

Brockway: Jesus Christ he’s like a semen derrick-

Seanbaby: Sorry, I wasn’t done. Or I should say Chris wasn’t done.

Seanbaby: A vulva-shattering cartoon cloud of meat. When you fuck Chris Walley, you have to time your entry like you’re playing double dutch. He is what forensic scientists call “some kind of, and I know how this is going to sound, man-penised bear.”

Brockway: This is what it’s about, Doug. Not only energy, but variety. Watch how when the pants come down Chris shifts from “man the harpoons” to “playing on the swingset,” that’s how you titillate a midwest grandma, Doug! Without killing her, Doug!

Seanbaby: I won that round, Doug, so I’ll roll next.

Brockway: I have all the protective gear you need for this already!

1. Heat resistant pipe wrap.

Seanbaby: I’m going up against Brockway in motorcycle fucking. I cannot imagine a more dangerous opponent. I’ll have to play this round just right.

Seanbaby: I select future tragic motorcycle fucking death, Frank Gorgeous.

Brockway: I select my alternate Doug. For the honor of all Dougs!

Brockway: That’s how you four-stroke an engine. What perfect form. This is exactly how they teach it at the Motorcycle Safety Foundation: Dick in the tank, back of the head on the pillion. Also, my Doug can either teleport, or clone himself. Whatever the case, that Minnesota Retirement Home 7 isn’t going to need her passport; she will not be denied entry.

Seanbaby: Oh my fucking god. This looks like the origin of Honcho Wheels, Motorcycle Centaur. How does your guy have powers!? Who decided it was sexier if he had powers? What madman could even conceive of a Double Doug!? Penetrating a motorcycle and a recent widow at the same time… it’s so far beyond anyone’s expectations of motorcycle fucking. How… I’m– I don’t even remember who I picked for th– oh, god damn it. Yeah I do.

Seanbaby: “I’m Frank Gorgeous, and I’m here to do my best. I forfeit.”

Brockway: Frank Gorgeous hopped up on that stage ready to disappoint a motorcycle, slipped in two types of oil, and bashed his head in. In the final dream of his dying brain, Frank actually mounted the bike and only received light boos from the audience.

Seanbaby: With the plain-looking remains of Frank Gorgeous hopefully inspiring the rest of my hunks, the score is now tied 1 – 1. Please roll for the next round.

Brockway:

Seanbaby: Sure, okay. Penis rescue.

Brockway: That’s my favorite show on CBS. The first fourteen seasons star Channing Tatum.

Seanbaby: I chose Malibu, because if we’re going to rescue that penis, or maybe signal that penis to rescue us, I’m already confused. I need to recalibrate with something normal, like a normal man drinking water in a normal way.

Seanbaby: That didn’t help. Brockway, you go and I’ll see if I can pull this team together.

Brockway: Did he just waterboard himself on stage? I guess I’ll have Michael do a heavy-thrusting rap about drink safety-

Seanbaby: Wait! Sorry I keep interrupting, but there’s been a Malibu emergency!

Seanbaby: Is he–? What? Is there something I don’t understand about female-targeted erotica? Why did he die!? I watched the rest of the video, and he doesn’t get up from this or appear again! At the risk of making this too sexually charged for our lady readers, Deron McBee poured painful thermos fluid into his eyes and then laid down to die, fully jeaned. There’s a lot about this I don’t understand, but I brought a corpse with teased hair to a penis rescue and where I come from, that’s a loss. You win, bringing you back into the lead at 2 – 1, which means I roll next.

Michael Rapp:

Well my name is Michael and I’m here to say,

It’s all about safety at the end of the day.

You know a hunk needs oil, yeah a hunk needs lube,

But keep your hunk safe, get a ballpoint drinking tube.

Seanbaby: A sex fight has broken out at the Annual Realtor Awards! This time, Affiliate of the Year will be decided not by sales, but by fist and loin! You may accuse me of hunk treachery, but it is merely my good hunk fortune that we are in a sex fight and I just so happen to have brought a master of sex karate.

Brockway: I would swear this was rigged if two of your hunks weren’t already dead.

Brockway: All I have left is a Steve Guri. I was trying to save the Double Doug Technique for exactly this scenario – two Dougs can tame any number of Stephanies – but the dice have not been kind.

Seanbaby: Steve Guri, beautiful Steve Guri, Philip bows and kisses his kung fu fingers in the traditional sex karate salute. You will be fucked to pieces with honor.

Brockway: Steve Guri, it’s the ‘80s, you’ve got a mullet, you’re on cocaine, you’ve already got a name perfect for white guy karate. You’re trained for this. Ganbatte, Guri-chan!

Brockway: Oh no, I left him on Fuck. I meant to switch him to Fight! This doesn’t count!

Seanbaby: You brought a sex lover to a sex fight. Poor beautiful Steve Guri can’t even conceive of a situation he can’t love his way out of. He has no chance, and I’ve been sitting on a deadly sex fight surprise. I have a second Philip.

Brockway: W-what’s happening? Is this a Doug teleport??

Seanbaby: Philip has a twin brother who also does erotic martial arts. And together, their style of karate is twice as gentle. These are twins who will happily take the psychic damage of performing incest for every bachelorette party with a coupon, but they’re not going to risk any harm to their bodies. Even on the night they’re recording their home video special they look like they’re trying not to pull an eyelash. I guess women love to feel safe, and there’s no safer place in the world than next to Philip and his brother’s karate. I love that they decided to do this, this adorable mockery of violence and brother-on-brother sex. After each knockout they claw their way back into the fight using the nearest lap. “Oh help me, I was simply devastated by that ura-nage! And now… ura-na’gonna stop cumming. Unnhhhh!!!” What a glorious victory for my hunk team.

Brockway: My favorite part of this is the women’s reaction. A housewife’s mind does not scale to karate. Whether it’s their eight year-old’s first tournament, the final act of Bloodsport, or twin hunks misunderstanding foreplay, all housewives meet all karate with this same kind of glass-eyed patience.

Seanbaby: Sorry to interrupt again! Something very unexpected is happening in this sex fight.

Brockway: Oh no, the cautious stunt falls have jammed their switches. They’re stuck between Fight and Fuck!

Seanbaby: Stop, Philip! Stop! The round is over! You’ve won! You’ve already won! Oh, fuck, they’re out of control. This is way, way too much sex fight. Look away, quick! I think they work on reverse Mario ghost rules! Shit, it’s not working, okay okay, let me roll the dice for the final tie-breaking round before all we know smells like karate balls.

Seanbaby: This is it! Dick basket talent show, and we are going into the finals with our full team of hunks! Place your game pieces!

Brockway: Yes! Finally, I deploy my squad in optimal position for the Double Doug Technique! So long as two Dougs are adjacent on the stage they both get automatic critical thrusts on Michelles, Jennifers, or Stephanies.

Seanbaby: I’m in trouble. I lost Malibu to that unexplained thermos tragedy, and it turns out Philip has no idea when to stop. He and his brother won’t come out of the sex fighting pit, they grow more nude by the second, and are sexily approaching anyone who meets their gaze. As for Chris, his pelvis tore itself free from his torso and the rules clearly state “all participating hunks must be attached to their bulge and buns.” Which means…

Seanbaby: “I’m Frank Gorgeous, and I’m here to do my best. I forfeit.”

Brockway: I’m honestly surprised he’s still alive. Good job, Frank Gorgeous! Now just try not to get in the way of the Steve Guri Pants Cannon-

Seanbaby: Breathtaking. Let this gif loop for a thousand years.

Brockway: This article is dedicated to the memory of Frank Gorgeous. RIP.