Fucking Day: Dial A Date🌭

If you were awake at 3 a.m. in Canada in 1995 at any point in your life, then you probably know who David Bronstein, The Prince Of Love is. If you don’t know who David Bronstein, The Prince of Love, is, go ahead and picture him. You don’t need a description; you know he looks like this, complete with the woman struggling to lean away from him as he holds her in place deceptively tightly.

David Bronstein, The Prince Of Love, hosts the Dial-A-Date infomercial. He’s also the person you see most on the Dial-A-Date infomercial. Sometimes, he’s struggling with a beautiful young woman like he’s trying to reel in a catfish, but mostly, it’s just him screaming at you to “CALL NOW! It’s discreet, it’s discreet, it’s discreet! You can say whatever you want! You will never get rejected when you call the number on the screen!”

Apparently, you couldn’t just straight up explain to the camera that these women are hostages. The video has a lot of winking, hand gestures, and dirty jokes to convey the fact that this is a commercial for a phone sex line. Although, you might be able to get it simply by noting the enthusiasm of some of the actresses who weren’t being paid enough for this shit.

Dial-a-Date was one of the most popular phone sex lines in Canada at one point due to these infomercials, which truly capture a manic vibe of loneliness. The setup is that all hot women have gathered at one location, and you are not there. The party you are not at has everything: gorgeous women looking for love, the Dial-A-Date bikini girls, and even Linda Hamilton. Yes, The Terminator’s Linda Hamilton somehow makes an appearance in this 1995 infomercial for a Canadian phone sex line. She doesn’t speak and barely seems to enjoy herself, but she’s at the hot girl party, and that’s all that matters.

Don’t worry, even though you absolutely cannot attend the hot girl party, you can call and speak to the women there, and they can’t escape! They’re trapped at the party forever, perpetually forced to let you say whatever they want to them without hanging up the phone. This commercial is my personal hell. It was written as a horror story to frighten me, Lydia Bugg, specifically.

After we’re promised Linda Hamilton and Dial-A-Date bikini girls, most of what we get is The Prince Of Love begging us to call. “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” My last shred of dignity to dissolve, The Prince of Love. Then there’s an interview with a woman, always in her 20s, usually saying some variations of, “I like long walks on the beach and being outdoors,” which is a lie. If all of these women were out beachcombing constantly, America’s beaches would be filled with lonely, attractive women wandering like the ghost wives of fishermen lost at sea.

Not all of the women have a generic list of man requests, though. Some of them appear to be real women being interviewed. For those, the camera always lingers far too long after the question of “What are you looking for in a man?” has been answered. With this cameraman looming over them and breathing like a pervert, the women panic, and their list of desires gets weirder.

It starts with, “I want a guy who’s sweet, charming, and will take me dancing!” slight pause, blank stare of fear. “Um, and I’d also like him to be tall.” More starring, fear growing. “Also, haha, also I have a circus performer fetish, so if he’s willing to get shot out of a cannon totally naked, that would be great.”

The camera really does pull some dark secret out of these women. One wants a guy that can “eat more than her,” pretty sure she’s the witch from Hansel and Gretel in disguise, nice try, not falling for that again. One woman admits that she wants a man with a tight ass. Love that for her. Then there’s a girl who seems especially hypnotized by the camera and says, “Exciting things like dancing or travel…they’re very good.” Not really specifying that’s what she’s looking for in a partner, just a general enthusiasm for exciting things. She tried.

Some of them want to make their expectations seem low to get men to call. “Hi, I’m Kelsey, I’m 21, and I want a man who…just exists, doesn’t…doesn’t really have to do much else. My prince charming would play a lot of Call Of Duty. If I’m lucky, maybe he’ll explain the sports game football to me because I just don’t understand it. I hope he can play one song on guitar and I’ll get to hear it, like, 72 times. That would be amazing. If it’s part of “Wonderwall” but not the whole thing, even better!”

I’ve written a lot about the women of Dial-A-Date, but Dial-A-Date is not just for women. The issue is the women they got for the commercial are gorgeous, shampoo commercial hair-having models, and the guys look like they were recruited from David Bronstein’s neighborhood BBQ. They’re fine, but they’re wearing vests and turtlenecks. I know it’s the ’90s, but is this really the ideal man? Is this going to put anyone into such a sexual frenzy they will spend something like $3.99 a minute to talk to this man? I’m sorry, but this guy looks like the Mario brother who lives in Mario’s basement and is too unreliable to be trusted with real plumbing, so they only let him do sinks.

At least some of the men are bringing a sexy character to the table, like Sergio. His line is, “Hi, I’m Sergio. I love women. Hard. Soft. Full of mystique. I’m eager to find a woman like this. If you have these qualities, I’m waiting.” This is a lot. I don’t think straight women and gay men’s options should be vest, turtleneck, and Sergio, but that’s what we’re given.

The Prince of Love tells some dirty jokes while he wrestles his female employees like he’s wrangling an escaped calf. I hesitate to tell you the jokes because they may make you long for Punsteria. He always says, “Which is why you should call,” directly after the joke, even if it has nothing to do with why you should call. For instance: “I took a woman out for breakfast the other day and I said to the waitress, ‘I’ll have burnt toast and a rotten egg. The waitress said burnt toast and a rotten egg. Why would you want that? I said I don’t, but that’s what you gave me yesterday….which is why you should call now.” WHAT?

It doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t have to. While The Prince Of Love is selling you on calling the Dial-A-Date, he’s also selling you on becoming a millionaire by working for Dial-A-Date. You might think this would deter some callers but NO! Money is no deterrent when there’s a woman who likes beaches and has to talk to you.

Reading up on The Prince of Love, I learned that some people think Dial-A-Date was such a success because the narrators for phone sex line commercials were usually too suave and handsome. People liked seeing a loser paw at models who can’t escape! They could more easily picture themselves as The Prince Of Love and his many cringing victims. Oh no, did I make the article too sad? Here’s your Linda Hamilton cameo again.

She appears at the last possible second, after the credits for Mr. Bronstein’s catering and Mr. Bronstein’s wardrobe. I love the implication that they brought in catering for one man, and none of the models were allowed to eat.

See, this isn’t sad; it’s a man eating Italian alone in front of thirty models and Linda Hamilton, or maybe her twin sister now that I think about it. Some of the models are holding a beach ball and spinning around. There are a few other men there as well. They are also not allowed to eat the Italian food. Which is why you should call.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: SpaceJamFan, who charges way more than $3.99 a minute to emotionally exhaust a room full of Canadian models.