Nerding Day: Upworld 🌭

Yes well heres one for our 3-ring binder labeled: ‘’Profiles in Feminine Courage” for today we will hear the tale of The Most Patient Woman in the World. Which I know its a competative field,, I can think of about 4 women I know personally who could maybe be in the running just solely based on there ability to handle my perenial failure to remember napkins are a thing, but stay with me and maybe youll see why i am proud to stand here today and give my nonimation for Most Long Sufferin to the lovely talented and pleasantly alliterated Claudia Christian (all clap):

I probly dont need to tell folks here thats a signed picture of Claudia playin a woman possessed by a horny criminal alien on the run from a alien cop played by Kyle Maclachlan in the very good sci fi horror action film The Hidden, but there you go just in case. If you didn’t see that one, maybe youll recognize Claud for her work in a certain star trek type situation:

Well yes, there was that, but she was in another one I think some people actually watched:

And if you still dont recognize her well theres maybe a good chance you have at least heard her voice sayin the same things a million times:

So a storied career already! Your perhaps saying, Oh shes the most patient woman because of maybe how she has to deal with talking with people at conventions and stuff and it is VERY true how that must take a superhuman level of sufferance toleration, but brothers and sisters, that is just scratchin the surface of the iceberg here.

Stay with me now: So Claudia does not just work the nerd genres, she has pretty good range like she can obviously do sexy real good, heres a music video she made about how women kissin other women is too naughty to be described in anything other than breathy French:

But in addition to the sensuAL she also has a sensuHUMOR (comedy pun)

That clip is from her comedy demo video and Yes its pretty funny when she asks the dr who elevator to vibrate her to exstatic completion and does a silly hooter waitress voice but most interestingly to me is a movie we DIDENT see in that sizzler reel. (you probably already know this, but whenever someone says “But did you see what was MISSING?” from this or that its usually just cause they like feelin smart for a minute. Ok I’m done) Yes there’s one of Claudia’s comedy movies she consuspciously chose NOT to include ‘tween those papyrused title screens or on her wikipedia or on any of her online presents:

Some of you maybe are seeing 1990 Anthony Michael Hall there and are nodding yes, give her the Most Patient award already, we saw all saw on screen where John Hughes unleashed him into a monster that would require the world for decades after to try and rub away a headache wherever AMH’s voice could be heard.

Look at Claudia, the opening credits are still goin and she’s already puttin up with his dumb shit. In this movie Hall is supposed to be a beverly hills cop eddie murphy type who is just so funny and irreverent and good at fast-talking and doin different offensive voices (he even does the fake sign language thing) but this movie gives us a important cautionary tale of what if you try to do a Axel Foley or a Fletch but but forget the charm parts.

You are lucky you can’t hear hes doin kinda a Lew Zealand voice its really rough. Even the punch-up writers were mad at him for ruining everything.

What a wrank amature. Can you imagine the aplomb Dennis Miller would of resonated out of “Zagnut Bar”!? But observe, here comes Claudia as Anthony’s partner and right away we can see that she is dressed and equipped for the Hercalean task afore her:

Damn for real look at that shadowed earthtone ensamble. Plentiful Pleats? Check. Turtleneck of Severity? Check. Upholstery Shoulder Pads? Check. Bangs of Great Height and French-Braid Combo? Immaculate.

And she needs this entire amour set bonus because not only is Tony Mike Hall civilianly obnoxious, he is also a very bad cop. At the start of the movie hes supposed to monitor a important witness or something but instead he plays on the playground until he gets bonked.

But like he tells his boss afterwards: he knows he screwed up, but he can fix it! That’s confusing because here’s the lil boo boo what happened to the witness while Hall was knocked out.

Claudia is a Good Cop and knows that mistakes happen, c’mon, give him another chance and the chief, who is Jerry Orbach by the way, agrees and lets Hall be in the rest of the movie and Claudia continues to extend a endless forbearance to Hall that i can only describe as like unto Christ himself’s.

See I don’t know if what happened right there was the script said for the man to inappropriately touch his female coworker’s chest in front of everyone at their place of work or if thats just what really happened and they kept in the movie. Ok, so just give Claudia the Patience Trophy already, your saying. Weve seen enough i hear you cry. For gods sake stop, you holler pitiously. O my sweet hot dog halflings, we have only summited the first gentle hill of our perilus trek across this treacherous cursed-artifact range of mounts. Behold the peaks yet ahead:

Because what i have not yet revealed to you is that while this movie was evenchally released with the Upworld title, that was but a half-hearted attempt to disguise its horrible origin. Here is the original cover, before my expert photoshop fooled your eyes:

And here is the dark midwife responsible for its birth:

Stan Winston you probably know him but in case maybe your saying whos that, well:

Pretty good! But more importantly for us here today:

Holy shit, what a wonderful linkedin Stan must of had (RIP). And because we have all learned that it is actually good and correct to let Stunt Coordinators be in charge of the entire movie, maybe its also cool and fine for the puppet practical effects people to just run the whole show? Maybe?

Lets remove this Upworld mask and Look upon the True Face of this one, behold the visage of the hero of our story, A Gnome Named Gnorm:

Now, I try to tell the truth in these testimonies and so far you have all responded to my vunnerability with kindness and warmth but even so it is hard for me to say out loud here that…throughout alot of the movie…there was a part…of my brain that found Gnorm…physically attractive. Deep breath out, sissyneck. That was hard, but there’s more, go ahead and tell the people what Gnorm awakened in you that you never before fully admitted to yourself.

It’s like I was finally allowed to feel all the things I knew never should for certain Ewoks.

I need a minute here for just two or three manful sobs. Thank you for your strong warm hands of support and succor during this challenging hear-me-out situation, bless you.

Anyway so yes Upworld was what they changed the name to after they finished this movie and it sucked so they hid it in shame until it escaped some years later and now we can watch it for free on youtube. Its actually a try at a buddy movie with Anthony Michael Hall partnering up with magical and wondrous creature called Gnorm, who looks like if somehow a movie puppet guy got a million dollars to try and make Gelflings even hotter.

Now i know some of you know that maybe some or all of my writin needs to be read aloud to be at all comperhensible and might be strugglin with how to pronounce the creature’s name:

Yeah I know, i also think it’s weird hes proud of that. Instead of a “running bit I was happy with” maybe a better way to describe this creative choice is that its another thing on the list of boring shit Hall and Gnorm argue about endlessly to the frustration of any grown man watching this one. The two characters have chemistry i guess technically, like how mixin ammonia and bleach to clean mustard stains off of cargo shorts is chemistry. Stan said he wanted this movie to be “ET meets 48 Hours” but i guess nobody told him that for the buddy cop thing to work, a important concept is that for each Riggs you must offset and harmonize it with a equal and opposite Murtaugh. A Gnome Named Gnorm is like if you had two Riggs but also they were both super unpleasant and very sexually harassy. (Oh wait) Look: here is our Claudia, she-bastion of fortitudinal sufferance, in her first encounter with Gnorm.

Again, maybe say a lil prayer of gratitude you cannot hear the monster say “Nice Roundy” while cheeky tuba music plays.

So yes this is something important about Beauty we learn from this duo, AMH might have a truly gorgeous head of hair and Gnorm might have perfectly yassified cheekbones, but underneath both lies the persistent ugliness of spirit of: the Sex Pest. Somehow Gnorm even more than Anthony, here look at a selection of his behaviors.

Pretty gross. We even learn that the ENTIRE instagatin incident of the movie is that Gnorm stole a treasure to impress his gnome girlfriend, Reena with the nice “Bobos”, which his charming lil gnome euphenism for breasts and makes us feel laughter and endearment to Gnorm, who can resist his cute lil face!?

So yeah, they really failed the ET side of the equation hard also, unless I just missed the parts of ET where he’s doin nut slaps on Elliot the whole movie and makin blow job gesticalations to everyone and suprisin the mom with his weird little ET pee-pee out.

I think we’re gonna be able to expedite the sainthood process for Claudia when the Lord takes her into his bosom.

Anthony tries to keep up though, he creatively adds some racism (shouting Chung! Ching! Chang! at an Asian shopkeeper, shoutin LAPD! at a black man minding his own business, etc.) and makin fun of the deaf to his performance.

Oh yeah, that bad guy sheez, I forgot about him. The actor’s name is Robert D’Zar (also RIP) and ‘parently he had a condition called cherubism that made his jaw real big which: someone should tell Steven Segal you have to have special genes to Achieve This Look, its not just extra Hostess and angering hornets in your trailer. Bob’s whole filmography is wonderful, but there’s no time to pause, I got to keep making important gifs of Gnorm dressed as a baby putting a meat hook up Bob’s asshole and then pushin him into the tallow trough.

The movie continues, our vexations grow.

We develop a conditioned fear response to the youtube re-watch peaks.

We underline the word “frustratin” in our notes.

Anthony and Gnorm solve the mystery by arguin and fussin again and again over the most boring parts of the plot. Normally its good when writers tie up loose ends and payoff there setups, but somehow in this movie, it makes it all worse. We pray for release. Is it almost over?

The Final summit. We approach our Mount Doom.

So, my research tells me that when they showed test audiences this movie they hated it but somehow Stan thought the only problem was maybe only his original sentimentle ending, so he changed it to a funny one that goes like this: Anthony is a charmless white protaganist, so of course it is required that the attractive female supportin actor fall in love with him at the end of the movie. He is suddenly too shy to kiss her, so Gnorm pops back up from his farewell hole with some upsetting encouragement.

And a even more upsetting demonstration.

Jesus christ give her a oscar along with the Most Patient Award, look at her! She acts like that was the silliest charming thing that ever happened to her. Imagine the cost to your soul when you have to make your outside face look like that when your heart is bein corruptioned and blackened so. And then she has to right away do it all over again.

This is True Thespian Fortatude right here. Claudia, you have shone us how we might bear all and any struggle that may come our way, we thank you. May we all take into are hearts this lesson of courage and strength, borne of both Claudia’s sufferin and mine, your welcome, In the Name of Jesus Christ…

…Amen.

Thanks to Wren for the Gnift of Gnorm and also for bein way more patience than she should have to be.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Rebrandrew, a slug lipped thespian that can make anyones toes curl.