I have a single question about demon powers: do demons have powers? If the answer is yes, there’s one quick follow-up: How do I say, “Please don’t use your powers on me; I’m a useless little clown,” in Latin? Some people are more curious about demons and their powers, though. Some people have 101 questions about demons and their powers if you can even believe it! That’s too many questions!
Dr. Lester Sumrall, the author of 101 Questions & Answers On Demon Powers, is the kind of fire and brimstone preacher who added poetry to his spite. In our modern times, the things he was preaching against are honestly pretty adorable. To get an idea of his personality, here’s how Dr. Lester Sumrall described movies in his 1940 classic, Worshipers of the Silver Screen:.
“We have permitted the death-dealing bombs and poisonous gases from the celluloid Babylon to tear our society to fragments. Her shrapnel of lust is flying with fiendish wings to destroy every mortal possible. Her sleeping ether in the pulpit has put the ministers in a peaceful coma WHILE THEIR FELLOW-MEN ARE BEING DASHED INTO HELL. Her tear gas has blinded the parents as to the real danger the motion pictures have upon their children. Her arsenical smoke of nicotine, alcohol, and pornographic novels is giving convulsions to a wicked society. Her mustard gas of infidelity is burning away the vital life of our young generation.“
Sir, this is A Hundred And One Dalmatians. They’re not trying to shrapnel you with lust; they’re just trying to ask, wouldn’t it be cool if there were a whole bunch of Dalmatians? It’s not that deep.
His book titles are pretty amazing. One is called Adventuring With Christ, which sounds like the story of someone resurrecting Jesus to help them steal the Declaration of Independence. By far, his best book title is Roman Catholicism Slays, which basically forces you to picture The Pope in drag. This man loved Catholicism!
101 Questions & Answers On Demon Powers isn’t Lester F. Sumrall’s best work. The first couple of questions are great, but you can tell there’s a point around question #21 where he realizes 101 is a lot of questions. All of this could have been a bathroom stall pamphlet.
No, you should French kiss the demons. Is this man really making people buy his book to learn if they should fear demons? Basically, his answer is that, no, demons should be afraid of you if you’re a good person who has never seen a single movie. Remember, if you watched Cars 2 or Shrek Forever After, you’re going straight to hell! Convulsed to death by the filthy mustard bombs of your Shrek lust!
As you can see by question #35, this man has completely run out of ideas for made-up questions about demon powers. He hasn’t even answered, “What is the coolest one?” or “Which type of karate works best against them?” and he’s already out of ideas. If someone asked this question at a book signing, you would know their mind blanked at the last second. “Hi… more of a comment t-than a question? How much… knowledge of any, um, any existing situation does an evil s-spirit have? Sorry, wait, I guess that was a question.”
Weirdly, Lester includes this question and takes a full page to answer it. It turns out demons “do their own research” and go off things they heard. Here’s how Satan worded that before he had Facebook:
A large portion of this book involves pointing at things in a room and asking if they are evil spirits. Here’s a fun tip that will let you solve the mystery way before you read the answer: It’s always an evil spirit. Anything you do that causes boners, fatigue, or an unhappy wife is probably caused by an evil spirit.
I’m pretty sure the Spirit of Gambling is a Mississippi riverboat casino that I’ve been to. Sadly, the answer to “Is there a spirit of gambling” isn’t, “Yeah, and it rules. Their fried shrimp is delicious.” It’s another old man rant about how Jesus is better than gambling, even though Jesus has never given me two hundred dollars and a complimentary Long Island iced tea.
The amount of things this man finds satanic is so long I don’t know how he could exist in our modern world. This book was published in 1983, and he’s still furious about the Beatles. John Lennon had been dead for three years. He’s been hating all pop culture for over four decades and he never updated his music enemies? This was a time for forgiving the Beatles and hating Metallica.
Forget The Beatles; Dr. Lester was still upset with close up magic and ventriloquism. I kind of agree that ventriloquism is demonic, and we should ban it. Not for religious reasons but because I don’t want to see gross little puppet hands. I don’t want to live in a world where things have been touched by them. Still, this feels like me ranting about the devil owning AskJeeves.com today.
Lester seems to forget he’s the one writing these questions and gets a little angry that he keeps having to answer the same ones over and over again. His answer to question #90 seemed a little grumpy to me, but then I remembered how similar it was to question #74. He’s yelling at the hypothetical asshole he made up to remember he already said no to Halloween masks and menacing puppets. Do you think there’s any chance he’ll be fine with jack-o-lanterns? Get it together, strawman.
Not all of the questions make him angry. He loves it when he comes up with questions that let him rant for three pages. In one case, the question is, “Can you just rant about television, Grandpa?” Oh, my can he, sonny.
“Please comment on” is not how you start a question. Also, this has nothing to do with demons or their powers. This book has 60 questions about demons and their powers at best and 41 questions of filler. The book’s most practical advice is the answer to the questions we’ve all been asking for years, and I’m so glad that someone finally tackled it: can you bring a baby to an exorcism?
“Huck it wherever, the baby will be fine”- Lester Sumrall. I don’t know why you would want to bring a baby to an exorcism, but if you’re a busy parent/exorcist, Asmodeus can watch the kid and resist your Christian influence at the same time. I hope whoever asked this question was real and Lester kept in touch with them. Did the baby grow up okay? Did they ever light someone on fire with their gaze? Befoul any ground with their footsteps? Dr. Lester never published another book after this one, and I feel this advice deserves an update. He has similarly upsetting advice about exorcising dogs:
This is another question I really need some context for. Was someone trying to convince this man to wrestle a rampaging German shepherd to the ground and pray for it? Or is this a Christian hypothetical somewhere in the realm of “If you were a hotdog, would you eat yourself?”
I would not take Sumrall’s advice on babies, dogs, or how hard the Pope slays. If I could give this author 101 pieces of advice, they would all be variations of how he should calm the fuck down. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Is calming down an evil spirit? It is! This was all a trick. I’m the evil spirit of enjoying yourself for fifteen minutes, and I’ve infected you all with my sinister little japes.
You’ve been huffing the mustard gas of JOY! The shrapnel of your chuckles will tear apart our society. I’ve flown in on my fiendish wings of silliness and distracted you from the futility of life. Your vital time is being burned away by the poison of having a little bit of fun. My evil plan has worked!
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Cuevas, the Evil Spirit of Rewatching Old Kung Fu Movies While Doomscrolling On Your Phone.