David Wynn Miller was once a humble tool and die welder. At some point in the 1970s, a back-alley surgeon removed his kidneys and adrenal glands. This caused his heart to restart, jacked his IQ up to 200, and made him biologically immortal. A few years later, he went through an experience that embittered him against the American legal system. So, what is an undying supergenius who can’t pee right anymore to do when he’s denied justice? You got it: invent a magical language to thwart the global tyranny of maritime law.
That magical language is called “Quantum Grammar,” and it’s based on math. As David put it, nobody ever fought a war over a mathematical equation. Ergo, find the perfect language, and you solve human conflict. Also you can use it to prosecute legal professionals, maybe? The power of Quantum Language is such that judges run out of the courtroom when David enters. It is a robust magic system that rivals anything you would see in a Brandon Sanderson novel.
Let’s start with David’s name. He styled himself with colons and a dash, pronouncing it “David-hyphen-Wynn-full colon-Miller.” This is the most basic of Quantum Grammar techniques — adding the hyphen and colons transforms David from an “adjective pronoun fiction” to a fact existing in the now-time dimension. This frees him from the Universal Postal Union’s thrall of adverb-verbs. Pretty straightforward stuff.
More broadly, the idea is that if you can understand the Correct Sentence Structure Correct Syntax — sorry, CORRECT – SENTENCE – STRUCTURES – COMMUNICATION – PARSE – SYNTAX – GRAMMAR – PERFORMANCE = (C.-S.-S.-C.-P.-S.-G.-P.), then you attain the power to penetrate legal fiction. Yours will be the drill of truth that pierces the heavens and possibly the skull of a meddling judge.
Because “sentence” is a part of language, but also a thing that happens in court? A court is a foreign vessel in dry dock, by the way. That’s because the world is secretly governed by maritime law.
David didn’t invent this part. Maritime law conspiracy is that old-timey kind of conspiracy theory, back before everything was drawn into the white grievance ur-conspiracy of Q when baby boomers got on social media in the late 2010s. It used to be that American lunatics believed in things — specific, incredible things like Bigfoot being an immortal magician who lives deep beneath the earth’s surface or the American judiciary being secret admiralty courts with no real power. David did add a specific twist to the maritime law theory though, stating that it presides because “Earth is a vessel in a sea of space,” which is a beautiful sentiment to be expressed by a character in an Asimov novel, if not a solid foundation for legal practice.
David espoused his theories on his website, in a book, and in seminars he ran for decades which sometimes went up to nine hours long. Let’s dive into one of them.
Did you know that when the government writes instructions, they don’t use adjectives? Did you know that one third of the words in all of the world’s holy books are missing? Did you know that we didn’t elect a president in 1999? That’s because the Treaty of Versailles says that no law takes effect for 90 days until after it’s signed. Did you know that international bankruptcy has been around for 6,500 years?
Shit. This is a lot to take in. We’re talking about international banking and ancient religion. Can we bring it down to earth a little? Something a little more concrete?
Ok, a pen. I know what a pen is. David says that by itself, “pen” is a pronoun. In “the pen,” “the” is an adverb. It modifies the verb “pen.” Modification is change, change is motion, motion is action, action is a verb.
Fuck. I might be too stupid for this. In fairness to me, though, I only have a Master’s degree. David says that his course is written on a “29 reading level,” whereas a PhD is only 20. After explaining Syntax to a group of English PhD students, they told him “we have PhDs in stupidity.” Going to school dumbs you down, makes you into a good little sheep. My mind has been captured by the adverb-verb Matrix. I took the blue pill of an advanced degree and I’ve been ensorcelled by maritime law ever since.
But not David. He can prove that anyone is lying — it doesn’t matter how high up in the Illuminati they are. I don’t know if you remember the plot of The Matrix Revolutions, but David does. See, Agent Smith had an infinity number of Smiths. And Neo said 3+3=6. So the Smiths were defeated because they tried to prove that 3+3 equaled every number except six. And then man and machine learned to live in peace, because, again, nobody ever went to war over a math equation.
David really seems to like the Matrix movies. And not so much the original, but the second and third. He references the scene in the second one when Neo is “in the room with a hundred TVs” and says “it’s all about choice.” Because you make a choice to be good or evil, and if you know Syntax, you have a better basis of information to make choices to be good.
Unfortunately, judges and lawyers choose to be evil. There’s a secret truth in the legal system. All judges and lawyers subscribe to this truth: that no law or fact shall be tried in court.
You want proof? I’ve got your proof right here.
That’s the ceiling of a courthouse. Note the way that the word “justice” is split apart into the letters “ju,” “s,” “ti,” and “ce.” You know what that means, right? It means “judges title speaks no law.” They love to hide the truth in plain sight! They’re laughing at us! All judges do is issue “orders,” and as everybody knows, a word beginning with a vowel and two consonants means “no contract.” Plus, judges exist on another plane in the courtroom. The fact that a judge is enclosed in a box makes him an independent jurisdiction.
So how do you fight back? Here’s one way: write a contract that says “there are no planes in this court, we are on a level playing field.” Also, you can write in your contract that you want hot coffee at your table in court and they legally have to bring it to you even if food and drink isn’t allowed in the room. That’s because all judges are bankers, and if you want to know more about how to prosecute them, please see the information on David’s business card.
What’s that postmaster thing about? Well, here’s an interesting fact. If you place a postage stamp on any document and sign across it, that makes you the postmaster! And, of course, since a court is a foreign vessel in dry dock, when the clerk stamps your document you can sign across that and now you’re the postmaster of their boat! It’s as simple as that.
David sent Janet Reno a letter accusing her of treason and she sent him a two page letter back with steel rivets through it. Two, of course, being a highly significant number. As everyone knows, a dollar sign with one bar through it signifies a Federal Reserve note. But with two bars, it stands for a gold certificate. And only one stamp has ever been published with two bars through the dollar sign, the Red Fox in November 1999.
David went out and bought up all of the stamps and started putting them on documents to sue government officials. The judges, of course, ordered the stamps cancelled and seized. Don’t try to look this up. You know it’s true. People who don’t know will be harvested. People who do know will do the harvesting. After all, the word “human” means “monster.” It means to feed upon your own kind.
At this point, you might be thinking, alright, David Wynn Miller is a lunatic. Who cares, right? America has been 70% cranks by volume since it was founded. And that’s what I thought too, at first. David’s recounting of the Matrix sequels and explanations of how to legally hijack a courtroom with postage tricks seemed like relatively harmless madness compared to our modern Alex Joneses and Libses of TikTok, the ramblings of an immortal superman to an empty room with a camera set up on a tripod. But then something happened. The camera panned.
He has an audience. There are people in the room listening to all of this and taking notes, and they paid to be there! David Wynn Miller had followers. He influenced people to the point that “Millerese” is now a known phenomenon in court filings.
So why do people get into this stuff? Maybe it’s because they’re worried about David’s nightmare scenario– aliens show up on earth and we try to lie to them because we haven’t learned Syntax, so they throw an asteroid at us. Maybe they want to usher in the glorious future he lays out in which you turn on the TV and all 200 channels are talking about how we have one language now and there’s no more wars, where Syntax-speaking Mentats from Dune replace computers and we develop a New World Order but nice because everyone has their freedoms still.
No, it’s not that. It’s about getting out of paying taxes.
Sorry, that’s not entirely fair. It’s also about winning custody cases for deadbeat dads and not having to pay child support. The incident that radicalized David against the courts was, in fact, his divorce, an occasion which he describes as being “raped” by a judge. He believed that if only he could crack the math equation of language, he could get his kids back. And when he discovered the magical formula of Syntax, he also realized that it could be used to eliminate all income taxes.
How? Well, it’s simple, really. Putting the appropriate wizard signs in your name, e.g. “:David-Wynn: Miller” creates a ward which makes you invisible to the government. While they’re trying to tax the corporation that was created when your birth certificate was signed, you’re flying under the radar thanks to Syntax. People have actually tried this. Several of them have gone to jail!
David Wynn Miller ruined people’s lives with his insanity. And I can kind of see how it happened, too. Even when he’s spouting completely incomprehensible garbage, he retains an even tone and a professional demeanor. A guy like that telling you that he’s got a trick that will help you even the odds with the government? That’s a pretty appealing thing to a desperate Fox News viewer.
In a video where he’s at least a decade older, David goes on a tangent from Syntax to explain that there’s a cure for all illnesses — the “zapper,” which controls DNA’s crystalline structure with radio frequencies. For instance, arthritis is caused by flatworm, and you can simply kill it if you have the right radio built for you.
Later, David’s explaining that you shouldn’t invest your money or keep it in banks. An audience member asks if cash is really the smartest way to save given that inflation inevitably reduces its value. He calmly pivots to talking about solar flares and the likelihood of one wiping out all of human civilization. By this time, then, he was helping people to wreck their lives not only legally, but also medically and financially.
But David must not have been able to find the right frequency for himself, because he had a heart attack in 2017 and died the next year. And his followers didn’t lose any time mourning — one of them immediately published a video where he “court martialled” him, stripped his authority as a judge, and took the mantle of postmaster-general of the world for himself. An ignoble end for the pre-eminent judicial wizard of our times.
Sorry, I mean FOR THE FORMS OF OUR PUNCTUATIONS ARE WITH THE CLAIM OF THE USE: FULL – COLON = POSITION – LODIO – FACTS, HYPHEN = COMPOUND – FACTS = KNOWN, PERIOD = END – THOUGHT, COMMA – PAUSE, AND LOCATION – TILDES WITH THE MEANINGS AND USES OF THE COMMUNICATIONS WITH THE FULL – COLON OF THE POSITION – LODIAL – FACT – PHRASE WITH THE FACT / KNOWN -TERM OF THE POSITIONAL – LODIO – FACT – PHRASE AND WITH THE VOID OF DAVID WYNN MILLER = DEAD – MANIAC
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Russell Bauman who pays in gold certificates, thinks in Syntax, but still pays taxes just in case.