In three thousand years, there will be exactly two songs from the 20th century that will be remembered: “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot and “Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)” by the Immortals. Both inspired the world in their own ways. One taught us that it was difficult to lie about preferring a larger butt. The other taught us the names of all seven fighters in the arcade smash hit Mortal Kombat. Itâs a song that transcended genre, going from a song created to promote the game into a song that was in the movie based on the game.
If youâre unfamiliar, “Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)” involves a man yelling the words âMortal Kombatâ very loud and then, as youâd expect, a techno song. The rest of the tune is intense music punctuated by the announcer from the arcade game saying the names of the characters, but if youâve heard it once, you can already hear it in your head. If you havenât heard it once, just imagine the worst of 1990s Europop got into a choreographed bar fight and youâre pretty much there. It was a hit amongst us kids and, I assume, rode the billboard chart for years. Actually, I think it really did make the billboard charts which is weird as hell.
While “Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)” was initially released as a single, it was conceptualized as part of a full album based on the game that was released later. This album, also by Belgian supergroup The Immortals, was advertised along with the game and features nine more songs. Seven are about the fighters you can choose, one is about Goro, the penultimate boss, and the final one is a quasi-remix of “Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)”.
Unlike other video game albums such as Killer Instinct’s Killer Cuts, this wasnât a soundtrack. It was all new music inspired by the game! Or, at least, new music inspired by bits of information written on loose sheets of paper that were handed to the musicians in a language they didnât understand. I think their main directive was âmention every fighterâ and âmake sure the songs donât sound too different from one another.â
That said, it would be a shame to lose the other songs on the Mortal Kombat album to the fame of “Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)”. Thatâs why, to help you save time, Iâve ranked every song on the Mortal Kombat album except “Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)”. Please remember, art is a subjective experience and my opinions on this song ranking may not reflect your own or that of your family and friends.
9. “Hypnotic House (Mortal Kombat)”
Unfortunately, “Hypnotic House (Mortal Kombat)” is like the annoying little brother to “Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)”. They both basically sound the same and, again, there are no lyrics outside of the charactersâ names. While Iâm sure there is a lot to do with naming all seven Mortal Kombat characters, this song sticks to its roots a little too hard. At its best, “Hypnotic House (Mortal Kombat)” tries to be a slightly smoother, less head-banging version of “Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)”. At its worst, this song represents an odd omission: Every other song is based on a character in the game. And every character except Shang Tsung has one. So, whereâs our Shang Tsung song to sing, sirs? Theyâre not talking.
8. “Kano (Use Your Might)”
Iâll give “Kano (Use Your Might)” one thing: It tries pretty hard! It sounds like a DDR song that only the worst people play. It sounds like a level in a 3D fighting game with no personality. It sounds like music from where the less cool vampires would go for a party in Blade. Itâs just loud â90s techno with no heart. Which I guess is why Kano always needs to rip one out of people! Thatâs our show, folks!
At the very least, we get the announcer voice giving us a little juice with âKano winsâ so we at least know who this song is about. That said, there are again almost no words in this song. And the lyrics we do get are what Iâd call âdraft zero.â For example:
Use your might! Kano, fight!
The world is at your feet
Fight! Use your might!
I’m on your side
Why are we on Kanoâs side? Heâs a bad guy!
Also, I went about five minutes listening to this song before I realized it was on loop. That tells you something about how memorable it is, top to bottom.
7. “Liu Kang (Born In China)”
Donât worry if the title of this song makes you uncomfortable, because the song itself will also make you uncomfortable! And good news: Itâs just one of two songs on this album to specifically mention a character is from China! But at least it also includes the same explanation of Liu Kang that I wouldâve said to my first grade teacher when the game came out:
Born in China
Liu Kang
Shaolin monk
The youngest, but also the fastest warrior in the tournament
Itâs just so generic, even compared to the other generic songs. Iâm all for weird, drawn-out explanations of characters in lyric form! Give it to me! Pour it down my fucking throat like molten gold! But god the music here feels like a sample track from a âHow To Make Musicâ program you bought in a Humble Bundle and never plan on actually using.
The only thing saving it is using actual Liu Kang sound effects from the game as part of the beat. Thatâs actually nice. I can admit that.
6. “Goro (The Outworld Prince)”
Now hereâs a song that starts with a little more pizazz! Right off the bat, we get a deep voice telling us some background on Goro. Whether or not you know a lot about Goro – and I bet you know lots! – itâs always good to get a refresher on one of the most famous characters in the series. Maybe you havenât played one of the older games in a while! Maybe you just never looked up the lore of a fighting game because you donât care.
2000 years ago
A man-beast was born
On a distant planet
They named him Goro
8 feet tall with four arms of terror
This Outworld Prince, half human, half dragon
Was trained to fight, to conquer, to rule
Whoa, right? Thatâs as cool as you can get in my book. Half human, half dragon, and trained in multiple subjects! So why is it not ranked higher? Because thatâs about all there is to the song! It also has the vibe of the beginning of a Super Nintendo JRPG where they do a giant exposition dump about the end of the world or something. This would normally be cool, but the rest of the lyrics are just someone saying âGoroâ at irregular intervals. It almost becomes a musical jump scare.
5. “Scorpion (Lost Soul Bent On Revenge)”
When this album was made, I donât think anyone knew that Scorpion would be a breakout character. Then again, with only seven people to choose from, I feel like they all became breakout characters? Itâs not really a big ensemble cast in this musical.
Scorpionâs song gets points for sounding different than most of the others. At least at first. It begins with something of a jungle-y theme – almost evoking the Living Forest level in Mortal Kombat II. This is almost immediately dropped, so donât get too excited. But itâs still awesome for while it lasts, much like life, man. There isnât a lot of âexploring the spaceâ going on in this album, so any difference is welcome.
Unfortunately, where Scorpionâs song loses points is its lyrics. The entire thing is literally the words âScorpion, lost soul bent on revengeâ and then the âCome here!â and âGet over here!â sounds from the game. Iâll be honest: If hearing those sounds werenât like rubbing my dying stomach with a warm glove, this song couldâve ranked even worse on the list. But itâs different enough and entertaining enough to eke up a few spots.
It is weird that they donât mention Scorpionâs spear at all. Like I said, we do hear him shout âGet over here.â But, really, thatâs⌠I mean the spear is a big part, folks! Why are we leaving out the obvious stuff here?
4. “Sub-Zero (Chinese Ninja Warrior)”
Alright, I know, I know, another song that mentions the character being from China. Back in the day, racism also meant that people from other countries were like aliens in Star Trek with their own specialties. In fact, for a couple decades, the entire fighting game genre was built on this belief system. Itâs possible part of the reason weâre in this mess we are today is because we really hit home that being from a specific country led to specific ethnicity-specific abilities.
Not important! The Sub-Zero song is pretty neat. It kicks off with a militant beat that at least vaguely lines up with the characterâs backstory being a ninja assassin antihero. This songâs lyrics are also ridiculous, but at least theyâre kind of funny? While the previous entries on this list tended to just describe the character, this song also does that, but it sounds like a Lonely Island song making fun of them. Take this slick verse:
Ooh, Chinese ninja warrior
With your heart so cold, Sub-Zero
Ooh, your life is a mystery
Warrior with a mask, Sub-Zero
Wait. It gets better. Throughout the song, a woman screams âYeah, yeah, freezing vibrationsâ in the exact tone and syllabic structure of the chorus in the song âGood Vibrations.â At first I hated it, but then I realized that it launches this song into absurdity. Itâs one of the first songs to break me, and I respect it for that.
3. “Johnny Cage (Prepare Yourself)”
This is the first track on the album, and I can see why. Itâs uplifting, sounding a little like that song asking everybody to dance now, “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)”. Itâs more fun than most of the other tracks. Maybe they wrote this one first, before all the gas was out of the tank. Whatever the case, this song makes me happy and, like Sub-Zero, has some of the dumbest lyrics on the album. Which, I want to reiterate, is saying something.
The song has three primary thematic elements: Johnny Cage is a movie star, Johnny Cage is not afraid to die, Johnny Cage needs to prepare himself. Seriously, we hear these facts mentioned quite a lot throughout the song. But we learn so much about Johnny here! For example, did you know this fun fact as explained in the song?
From the United States of America
The movie star with the iron fist
He’s 29, he’s mean, he’s in great shape
The one and only Johnny Cage
The fact that heâs 29 kind of bums me out considering Iâm a decade older than him and I still havenât killed anybody or starred as the lead role in a movie. But this song really brings out the full Eurotrash pop background of the album. You can hear those thick Belgian accents as they talk about Johnny Cage being from America and being too cool. It was that way that people actually used to see our country, which was awesome while it lasted.
Did I mention that they say that Johnny Cage has âthe shadow kick we all admireâ? No? Well, thatâs why itâs third.
2. “Sonya (Go Go Go)”
Sonyaâs theme is probably the most normal song on the album outside of “Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)”. That isnât saying much, I know. Itâs like choosing the most normal character in Street Sharks. But at least it feels like an actual song that an actual club could play, even if by mistake.
Whatâs the secret behind the success of “Sonya (Go Go Go)”? It has a normal beat at a normal tempo and, thank god, some actual lyrics that go beyond just describing the character. Although, fortunately, we still have that too:
I’m the coolest chick in the USA
I’m 26 and on my way to become the best
And that’s a fact
I wanna win the contest and forget the rest
Thatâs another reason I love this song. Itâs the only one from the first person! Rather than singing about the character, the artists are embodying her! And thank God, because sheâs got a lot to say about her process.
I’m Sonya Blade, so be prepared
I’ll knock you right out of the air
I’m left, right, up and down
The quickest foot sweep in this town
I control the air, don’t you dare
To attack me: I’m everywhere!
Don’t try to fool me, don’t forget
I can kill you with my kiss of death
Letâs be real with each other: Thatâs a solid summarization of Sonya Bladeâs abilities in the game outside of shooting those pink rings from her hands. This song, of all of them – including the number one – does the best work telling us who this person is. Plus, sheâs the only woman in the game, so you get the sense that the musicians actually could try something slightly different. That âslightlyâ is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
This is the song that could end up on a playlist and me unironically enjoying it. If released today, it would probably be described as âwokeâ by people online.
1. “Rayden (Eternal Life)”
Here we are! Number one! It doesnât have the best beat, but it does have the absolute best lyrics. I donât just mean in the album. I mean of any song ever written. “Rayden (Eternal Life)” is a hall-of-famer. And of all the qualities that Rayden possesses, the one thing The Immortals really want you to focus on is that he is, in fact, immortal.
We all know he’s not afraid ’cause Rayden cannot die
He lives up in the thunderclouds; he comes down from the sky
Like the Sonya song, itâs nice that the musicians seem to know who this character is and some of his moves in the game. But these descriptions are far stupider, far sillier, far more goofy than anything that came before. Itâs all the detail Iâve wanted for the whole album, but with the same âfirst draft, no notesâ energy. I mean, have the Beatles ever come up with lines this good?
The kombat king, the best of the best
Just look at Rayden, he cannot rest
Our champ, solid as a rock
He gives his opponent a state of shock
With power, electricity, he disappears
No, you cannot see him move, ’cause Rayden flies
The Superman with eternal life
Thatâs poetry. Thatâs everything we really need to know about Rayden (later Raiden, but who fucking cares?). He does lightning. He cannot die. This song is just so stupid. Listening to it again has changed me as a man. It should be used in science experiments.
And itâs the best song on this album thatâs not “Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat).”
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