Nobody really likes pickup artists. They reduce women to a cranky wad of holes waiting to be tricked into penetration, but what if I told you there’s a less likeable version of that? What if I told you I found a book by horny sociopaths who also love Japanese cartoons? What if it’s worse than that sounds?
How to Pick Up Girls at a Con was written by three future murderers called “The Night Kid$” and I think their process was jotting down some broad advice for helpless virgins and then giving it to a child who was told at gunpoint to “make it sound nerdier.” Picture two people giving you advice at the same time. One says, “Bro, you need to shave your unibrow if you want to get your dick wet!” The other says, “Um, you may find evolving that Pikachu into a Raichu to be quite, um, troublesome without a thunder stone lol.” This book is those two voices combining into one, but again, less likeable than that sounds.
The Night Kid$ speak Nerd like a Kansas librarian speaks Rap. This introduction is something a cop would say to arouse suspicion in a Channing Tatum comedy called Undercover Incel. If you call casual sex “a co-op game,” you shouldn’t be trying to do it. You should be asking your younger brother to put on a bra so you can practice honking boobies and having him explain to you why you’re a goddamn loser. And this isn’t a joke, but the line “picking up a 3-D girl can feel virtually impossible,” is a fucking disgrace. These sex pests have the writing sensibilities of a cute pillow, probably because they each watched a grandmother stop struggling under one.
Here’s a look at the table of contents, if you want to establish some expectations. It takes you on your girl hunt from preparation to recon to manipulation to CONGRATULATIONS, which is Murderer for “murder.” Let’s start with what the Night Kid$ consider “being well equipped.”
They start off by suggesting you keep as much feces and disease off your body as possible. It’s not bad advice, but it gives you a good idea of who they think their audience is. How to Pick Up Girls at a Con is for things that walked out of a swamp with a boner.
Now that you’ve gotten at least some of the poop off yourself, you’re ready to learn the basics of social etiquette, such as the kind you’ve seen outside. Don’t be a creep, and refer to a stranger’s tits as “her power level.” Now stare at your fading hands as the paradox of the last sentence erases you.
It’s not a great sign when the first three pieces of advice in your chick hounding book are:
1. Here’s how you take a bath.
2. Use all the social skills you’ve spent your life cultivating.
3. You remembered to be fit, right?
If you asked a random 7th grader to write this book, the only difference would be that the gamer language would sound more genuine. This shit sounds like Mitt Romney trying to understand his son Cham who actually prefers to be called Akira-chan.
Obviously, if you’re looking to score babes, it’s important to brush up on your anime knowledge. Let’s stop here for a second because this one sort of gives away the game. Most old pickup artist books are about smearing the world with horniness and hoping to catch a woman at her most vulnerable moment. Modern pickup artist books are about crowd-sourced techniques to fake a personality long enough to seem interesting. This book is absolutely neither. These motherfuckers are already floundering in Chapter One. How to Pick Up Girls at a Con has no usable tips and was clearly written by guys who were sort of fuckable and found a community where that was a cheat code.
So let’s talk about these possible hunks, who I looked up on social media. One of them shares an instagram with his wife and I’d describe him as both “pretty” and “definitely a danger to that wife I mentioned.” The other two are a cute emo boy and a dead-eyed fitness enthusiast who takes the same emotionless mirror selfie every few days. The point is, and I say this as a handsome person, we don’t get laid because of our keen ability to navigate the human experience. If you ask a hot guy what their secret is he might go, “Um, be born symmetrical? D- deodorant. Oh, and pretend to like cartoons since nerd girls are used to suitors covered in poop!”
I’m not saying the Night Kid$ are for everyone. They look like point guards in an all-hairdresser basketball league. If they see this and get mad at me, they’d have to seduce 8 more boys their size before they could plausibly threaten to beat me up. But sure, if you dress them up like moon creature ranchers and throw them into a convention center they’d be in the upper 40th percentile. Enjoy, ladies. Anyway, let’s review their introductory poontang tips:
To be fair to the soft and smooth Night Kid$, they do cover some entry-level pickup advice like the importance of “breaking the touch barrier” and “bringing a wingman.” The wingman is there to both prove you’re capable of having a friend and to distract anyone you’re not trying to fuck. None of it is actionable or useful. It’s like writing a book on auto racing and telling the reader to make sure there are tires and to always know when to go fast. And I fucking dare you to find worse sex advice than “Obtain anime knowledge.” You could dedicate the rest of your life to it and you will die cursing me for being right. “Eat from diapers and change your name to Diaper Eater” is better sex advice than “Obtain anime knowledge.”
Chapter one had a dark tone, but hopefully they’ll get a little less predatory as they go. Let’s move on to Chapter 2: CHOOSE YOUR HUNTI– oh my god.
You know when you need loot drops from quest monsters and they only spawn in one spot? That’s what it’s like establishing intimate relationships with human women. And of course, here’s an unrelated quote from the character select screen of Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite. It’s possible I’ve read more books like this than anyone, and this is the new bar I have for “worst anyone has ever been with women.” These three guys all agreed girls are like Monster Hunter and still decided they were experts. I don’t have an analogy for it. It will be the analogy the next time an unqualified monster decides to be an author. If Michael Jackson’s doctor writes a book on sleep remedies I’ll say, “That’s like a nerd writing a sex manual using the knowledge he got from Monster Hunter.”
Let’s skip past the admittedly sound advice to “be fun and popular” and talk about the real dilemma. It’s the decision every man-about-town has to face at an anime convention– crushing ass or the variety of panels and events? It’s what we in the anime fuck community call The Unlimited Pussy or Meet the Voice of Rainbow Dash Gambit.
To their credit, these three authors are starting to figure out they might not have scored their seven combined sexual encounters, eight if you count hand stuff, by way of their masterful seduction techniques. They’re out of ideas and they know it. Their confidence is so shaken they open Chapter 3: SCOUT THE POTENTIAL WAIFU by trying to lower the reader’s expectations. They consider the hypothetical reader of How to Pick Up Girls at a Con and tell them to take a look at themself and consider their options. It’s a book purely about fantasy within a world of fictional wonder and they want you to be a little more realistic. Are you really a “human girl” kind of guy? After all, you just learned how to wipe your ass twenty seven pages ago.
Okay, now that you know your worth, let’s see if we can figure out who you should go for.
What you’re looking for are “Wall Stragglers” and “The Loners.” And as for the second page of your potential targets, you shouldn’t be too surprised to find it’s entirely blank except for this drawing of a girl whose panties you can see. So to recap: ambush women when they’re tired and alone, hoping they “perhaps secretly” want to talk to you, and if that doesn’t work, this young cartoon girl’s mostly exposed crotch. Let’s be real. You had to expect exactly this, unlikely readers of How to Pick Up Girls at a Con. Now let’s move on to some of the things you’ll need to watch out for.
Holy shit, if I’m understanding this correctly, the first potential danger they list is “accidentally fucking a dude.” When was this written? This is some old timey Crocodile Dundee transph– 2021!? They published this misogynist relic this year!?
Okay, fine, let’s assume the Night Kid$ were too busy hiding from paternity tests to keep up with the latest trends in gay jokes. The other thing they tell you to look out for is people exactly like yourself, who came to the convention for action, but had no idea how to get it. Which means the biggest impediments to getting an anime girl are feminine boys and losers, and hey wait, isn’t that why we’re infiltrating this community? Aren’t all these feminine boys and losers the things we’re counting on to seem fuckable by comparison? At least, and see if you can tell this is setting up a stunning reveal, they’re not making casual jokes about sex with underage girls…
Here’s a proverb for you, Night Kid$: If your advice about sleeping with children adorably rhymes, you’re definitely one unattended kid away from sex crimes.
S-sprite? I don’t know, this is obviously a low effort endeavor by two lonely psychopaths and one terrible husband, but the Night Kid$ sometimes offer practical reminders like how everyone can see you. You can’t just run up to every cosplayer and see if she’s doing it for the unsolicited cock offers. You’ll get a reputation as a thir– oh, the Sprite can clipart represents thirst! Aw, that’s kind of cute, pussy hunter boys.
Immediately after telling you to take it easy and pick your targets to avoid a reputation as a creep, the authors hit you with the desperate pep talk every pickup artist eventually gives: we don’t know how any of this works– you need to show your dick to everyone you see and hope one of them recently lost a bet and the conditions were having sex with the very next penis they saw.
Things are probably going great. You’ve learned not to wear poop, not to waste time searching men for vaginas, and to obtain anime knowledge. But these tips aren’t fool-proof. The Night Kid$ include some DEATH FLAGS to help detect ladies immune to deodorant and anime knowledge. Watch out for these! Has a boyfriend. Ignores you. Keeps turning away. Face doesn’t look like flashcards your childhood therapist showed you for “happy.”
Seventy pages into the book and the Night Kid$ finally give the reader some actionable advice. They list five real questions you could ask a girl! Four of them are the most common things said out loud at a convention and the fifth is aggressive sexual harassment, but at least they’re not telling the reader they should try being hot next to a drawing of a dripping wet school girl. I honestly think childlike begging for oral sex is a step in the right direction for these authors.
Ladies, I know most of you know this, but according to U.S. Chapter 7 Code § 2260, if your partner tells you to “prepare to Cubone,” you are legally complicit in a federal crime if you don’t chemically dissolve their genitals within one half hour of hearing it.
Hmm… My mother gave me such chlamydia. Here’s a sack of Nazi diarrhea! Sorry, you must be confused. I’m trying to come up with a six word phrase more destructive to a person’s love life than saying “a whole gang of anime bitches.” I strangle sexy dogs to death? I.. I don’t think you can do it.
In the WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? section, the authors continue describing all the ways this quest could end with each one getting sadder and sadder. Your potential victory goes from true love to sex rampage to convincing a woman to settle on you to a platonic cartoon buddy to a bloody butcher knife to a drawing you can masturbate to. Self-aware or not, it is, without question, the most perfect way to end this indoor kid’s guide to beginner humaning. A stunning artistic achievement. They imagined an entire world of overweight, unwashed anime nerds where they could be sexual mentors, and even in that fantasy, their students died alone, dumped into the ocean with a clumsy Pokemon reference. It was worth all 90 pages of their pathetic horniness and cool dad l33t speak for this amazing, immaculate ending.
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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Sarcophski, who started off a total Nerdoran but evolved into a real Chadizard using the ultimate Psychic-type attack: Respect for women.