Today, members of the hotdog society, I bring you a romance novel starring a young woman named Jules and The Kool-Aid Man, who also happens to be her step-brother. There’s no way to wade into that one, so I’m just putting it all out there immediately, in the same way the Kool-Aid man puts his fine glass cheeks out there on the cover of Cold Sweat by Vera Valentine.
I want to start off by saying this isn’t a Chuck Tingle situation. Vera Valentine is a serious monster romance novelist with over thirty titles under her belt. These titles include Sacrificed To The Freedom Dragons, Carnal Cryptids 2: Southeast, and Planet Oster Fertility Fusion, which is an alien Easter Bunny gang bang. Her real breakthrough came with the viral TikTok success of Unhinged, a romance between a woman and her front door.
Vera seems a little war weary after the success of Unhinged presented her to a much larger audience. Cold Sweat has a pretty long and detailed author’s note at the beginning explaining to people that if they opened this book with a caked up Kool-Aid Man on the cover, they should indeed expect to read some explicit Kool-Aid Man fucking.
Like, you were warned! I agree, Vera. I don’t know what else anyone could possibly expect, but I’m glad she warned the prudes away instantly. There’s only us freaks and perverts left now, and what’s that? She’s got a warning for us, too!
Humble words to live by. Let’s get into the book, shall we? Normally, I would read the whole thing and then maybe find some connecting themes to put in the article, but this week, I think we’ll experience it together live. I’ll just record my most genuine first thought reactions that aren’t screams. That might be difficult to do, though, because I can’t even make it to the first page without finding something to comment on. There’s an additional trigger warning that warns of “off-page drunken sex with a pallet of drink mix.” How could this book get better?
We open with Jules describing how her mother met her stepfather, Dan. Dan is a beverage distributor and, I believe, just a regular guy, not a beverage himself. Jules’ only complaint about Dan is that he fucks her Mom too loudly, but mostly her opinion is ew, but good for her, I guess. She doesn’t like her stepbrother, Red, very much, though. Let’s get a quick description of him.
Right, so, that’s the Kool-Aid man. Her stepbrother is the Kool-Aid man, as we were adequately warned. Please, no one get upset or attempt to put punch in your Georgie O’Keefe (yet). Red works in demolition, so he’s often covered in construction dust, and his favorite hobby is watching erotic Japanese cartoons in the living room because it has a better sound system than his laptop. Now, I’m sure, like me, you are wondering how a human man sired a Kool-Aid man? Is it a witch’s curse situation or…no, no, no. This book is about fucking and the answer to every question is fucking, in this case, “off-page drunken sex with a pallet of drink mix.”
Her stepfather fucked an entire pallet of cherry Chill-Assist punch. I know I’ve been calling him the Kool-Aid man, but technically this book isn’t endorsed by Kool-Aid because, I guess, they hate opportunity? So, technically, Red is the Chill-Assist punch man. You probably have more questions about this origin story, I know I do, but at the moment, they are blowing right past it. I, for one, know, but if my stepbrother were a punch monster, I would absolutely have to know the graphic details of his origins. Does that count as an orgy with multiple packets of drink mix, or do they form a hive mind? Did he get a splinter from the pallet? Did the pallet gestate, and if so, for how many months? We’ll never know.
Chapter 1 ends with Red revealing that his father has installed a new sauna as an anniversary gift for Jules’ Mother. Jules is cold, and Red recommends she try it out. She’s surprised when he comes outside to join her in the tiny wooden sauna because he has to continuously replenish the ice in his body with ice from their refrigerator. He reassures her that he put too much in and needs to “water himself down.”
Red and Jules start to commiserate. She tells him that she plans to tell her mother she’s leaving college. He tells her that she can ask anything she wants about his Kool-Aid Man body, so, of course, she’s immediately about to say, “What’s that dick like?” It’s the obvious question! The one we’ve all been waiting for, drumroll please…then Vera Valentine cock blocks her with a falling tree that traps them in the sauna. What’s a Kool-Aid Man and his stepsister to do for at least an hour while their parents are getting tacos, the most vagina shaped food? I think you know what they’re going to do. That punch is going right up her Georgia O’Keefe.
He’s a man that also happens to be a glass pitcher of liquid. So, say it with me again, audience. WHAT’S! THAT! DICK LIKE!
They start fucking, and we are only halfway through the book. It’s a 54-page novella, but still the majority of this book is going to be active Kool-Aid Man fucking, and it’s going to go a little something like this:
That’s right, Vera has really put some thought into how this monster penis works, and that’s why she’s the gold standard of monster romance authors. Someone give this woman an extremely phallic award that is secretly a sentient billionaire who is also, somehow, her stepbrother.
I sort of figured once the fucking began, she might lay off the Kool-Aid Man references a little, but that does not happen at all. The author does not want you to forget that Jules is fucking the Kool-Aid Man, or that she’s fucking her stepbrother. Jules often stops fucking her Kool-Aid Man stepbrother to think, “I can’t believe I’m fucking my stepbrother.” Which is by far the least unbelievable part of this sex!
Going into this, I knew that making her his good little cup would come into play because I hate to tell you, there is merch for that. With the signed editions of the physical copy of this book, you can get an exclusive “Make Me Your Good Little Cup” sticker. It’s made by a real artist, too. Vera Valentine is super anti-AI, which I love for a lot of reasons. Imagine having an author explain this commission to you, artists. “Um, yeah, so the Kool-Aid Man wants to make her pussy a cup is the basic idea. You get it.”
AI isn’t coming for Vera Valentine’s job. A machine could never write this. It’s such a specifically human perversion. We can’t even look at the logo for fruit punch without being like, “He’s tall, I wonder what his dick looks like?”
I know the other big question everyone wants to know about this book is whether he says, “Oh yeah!” when he comes. Legally, is it possible for him to scream the Kool-Aid Man’s famous punchline as he cums? Well, after running it past several attorneys, I’m thrilled to announce that the verdict came back in favor of free speech.
He said the thing! Aw. So, after she gets done fucking her stepbrother, she has this sudden post-nut clarity that her Mother is totally going to notice that her thighs are stained red with Kool-Aid Man cum. Wait, let me back up a little, about the Kool-Aid Man cum. First of all, he’s sugar-free, which is important to note. He tells Jules his weird punch cum won’t give her a yeast infection because it’s sugar-free.
There’s long been a debate over whether the Kool-Aid Man is the liquid or the glass. Vera asserts that he’s mostly the glass, but the liquid is a sort of all-purpose cloaca-like body fluid that is blood, piss, and cum. Or, the Kool-Aid Man is completely filled to the brim with cum. Your choice. I’ve chosen cloaca, and it’s honestly not better.
Oh, so you’re the one person on Earth with not gross cum just because it’s Cherry Chill-Assist flavored? Ok, Red. This guy is arrogant. I don’t want to harp on the Kool-Aid Man cum, I feel like I’ve been talking about it for a really long time, but I can’t stop. He cums so much that it fills up the sauna, and their clothes are floating around. I don’t see how he could ever have sex anywhere but an environment with a large drain. He could never get a memory foam mattress; it would be a soggy red sponge. The logistics of fucking the Kool-Aid Man are mind-boggling. I feel like we could have made this simpler than he cums a Costco size bucket of cloaca punch every time he cums, but then it wouldn’t be as realistic, and you have to respect the artist’s dedication to the truth.
Anyway, their vigorous lovemaking shook the tree away from the sauna door, and they can escape now! Yes, I said love making, she didn’t just suck him down like a thirsty little cup. They’re in love now!
Red invites Jules to apply for a secretary position at the demolition company he works for and to get an apartment with him so she doesn’t have to listen to her Mom get railed by his pallet fucking Dad anymore. I’ll let the ending speak for itself.
No Jules! Don’t let him ruin your bed. If her Mom comes home and the sauna, Jules’ bed, and her mouth are all stained bright red, she’s definitely going to solve that puzzle pretty quickly. It would be extremely difficult to hide the fact that you’re boning down with the Kool-Aid Man all over the house.
I have to say. I really respect the commitment to the bit. I appreciate a product that tells, some would say warns, me repeatedly up top what it is and then delivers exactly that multiple times. Plus, we get a happy ending for the Kool-Aid Man, and does he really deserve that? Oh yeah.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: RedWyneTyme, who has done this enough times to already have tie-dye sheets and simple red sheets, just in case.