Mario Corelli is a very stupid man from a faraway land whose skills include getting her wet and finding things in the human body. A diverse and prolific author, he also wrote the 2020 classic 101 Things You Need To Do While You Are a Child – BEFORE YOU GROW UP, SEE WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. NEVER REGRET IT!
Before we read it, I want to make something clear. Cursed media, like this absolutely forbidden book, often comes with an unexpected twist. A non-romance author will turn out to be a romance author in disguise. Or less surprising, a juggler will turn out to be a sex criminal. That’s not the case here. I want you to imagine the dumbest thing and then lower your expectations. The book is never anything more than that, and I’m not doing a bit. It is the laziest, stupidest book conceivable, and I have not prepared you for it.
Mario’s style of writing is to put something it would be impossible to not know into Google translate, and then briefly drown after forgetting how to swallow. But unlike his other books, in 101 Things To Do While You Are a Child, he elaborates a bit. Feed animals, yes, but not your own flesh and hedgehogs are lactose intolerant. I think you’re ready, children.
I’m not kidding when I say this is a strong start for Mario Corelli. He saved you from fatally breastfeeding a hedgehog and wrote three entire sentences on a subject. It clashes against the book’s premise since adults are allowed to FEED VARIOUS ANIMALS, but let’s not split hairs about that. If he stuck to things you can never do outside of childhood, the list would only be “REGROW HUMAN TEETH, FUCK A PRIEST.” I just want to say I’m proud of him for the extra little bit of writing he’s doing here.
He’s already given up by Thing #5. And he picked a really bad time to do it, because I have no goddamn idea what he means by RECOGNIZE 10 CLOUDS. Maybe he means to classify them? Announce which ones are shaped like giraffes? Go about your day and run into an old cloud friend ten times? Can I feed a cloud milk, Mario? Because I’m going to.
Oh good, he started writing paragraphs again to help explain what he means by CLIMB ON THE TREE. He means two things: we are now afraid of trees, and that’s terrific. And remember, this is the writer of 101 Things to Make Her Wet: How to Make Her Scream in Bed. So when he asks “Trembling in fear at the idea of trees– is there anything more wonderful?” he is including noisy, very sloppy, orgasms.
ROLL DOWN FROM A HIGH MOUNTAIN, but take the time to clear the mountain of rocks and debris, and use only a mountain resting on gentle materials. I guess these two insane sentences are Mario’s idea of legally protecting himself? It might also be his way of tricking the Amazon spam filter. As you might imagine, he’s not the first genius to think, “What if I self-published a book about nothing in a really big font with one sentence per page!” It’s possible Mario thought these little paragraphs would fool whatever sad AI trawls Amazon’s ebook collection for fraud.
Unfortunately, Mario only wrote descriptions for the first eleven entries (except, of course, for RECOGNIZE 10 CLOUDS) and I don’t think it worked. His books, these precious masterpieces, are no longer available.
When you’re an author who has been blacklisted by the only bookseller left before you’ve learned how to write, I’d argue no one will ever be worse than you at it. This is like a jewel thief who failed because they swallowed a necklace and died as a baby. I recently bought a CD-ROM with seductive messages hidden subliminally in country music, and the people who sold it to me said, “Mario Corelli is not good enough for us.”
Fourteen entries ago Mario was warning us about the dangers of bottle-feeding hedgehogs. Now he assumes we’re ready to chase after bear tracks with no further details. And again, to whom is this wisdom or advice? This is the whim of a below-average toddler on their first nature hike. If you told a child, “Go outside twice,” you will have spoiled the entirety of 101 Things You Need To Do While You Are a Child.
What the fuck is this, Mario? This isn’t even approaching anything. This is one of two human speeds taking place during one of three Earth weather conditions. Your subject was “the entirety of your childhood” and you ran out of ideas after 14. If you trapped a duck in a fish bowl and let it starve under a pile of aquarium pebbles, it would lead a richer life than you, Mario.
The duck wasn’t real, Mario!
Oh my god. It’s been TWELVE ENTRIES, MARIO. I honestly thought “RUN IN THE RAIN” was the least amount of thought anyone had put into anything, but I was wrong! “RUN IN THE RAIN, [forty two random and unrelated words], RUN IN THE RAIN” is worse! I’m not kidding when I say “forty two random and unrelated words.” I went back and counted. Here are three:
This is how an undercover cop would entrap a third grader.
Credit where credit is due– FUCK THIS KITE is pretty good advice for kids.
It’s a little late for that, Mario. We gave our kite to the sky five entries ago. We all get that he’s not trying, but how is this level of stupid even possible? It’s embarrassing enough to find out you don’t know 101 things when you sit down to type 101 things, but Mario doesn’t know fourteen. And he’s fucking very literally forgotten two of them right in front of us. When Mario Corelli orders lunch he probably says, “I AM BREAKFAST, WHERE AM I? BREAKFAST IS FOOD, WHAT IS THIS PLACE.” Maybe? I still don’t think I have my head wrapped around him yet.
This might help explain Mario. He’s slow and childlike with just a hint of darkness. For instance, if you saw a child organizing a snail race, it would be sort of cute, but they would become your lead suspect if you found a crucified squirrel in a tree.
Oh no. What have you done, Mario?
BY FEAR AND BY KNIFE I HAVE TAMED NATURE. RIDING THE WIND IS BUT ONE OF MY NEW POWERS.
W-where are you leading us, Mario? Wait, that glimmer! It’s an amulet fragment! We’ve found one of the lost relics of Corelli! Legend says to proceed we must face The Deadly Challenge of Mario.
Yes! I never thought I’d get a chance to use this, but I drink my Potion of Snowball Fury! It weighs 38 pounds, you can only use it once, and it leaves you massively vulnerable to all future snowballs, but now I can throw it in the face of everyone who said I’d never get a chance to use it! Suck it! Dragging that thing around for eleven campaigns was worth it for this moment right here! Who’s laughing now, losers and haters!?
FUCK!
A lot of 101 Things To Do While You Are a Child is just different directions you can look outside. This is at least one detail away from qualifying as pond advice. This someone getting punched unconscious one third into reading a Hardy Boys title. It is something fish DNA does by default, and it is this human author’s tenth book. Well, four if you don’t count the six that were renamed versions of his first four. The point is, if you lost a retainer on a camping trip fifteen years ago and had nothing more to say about it, you’re more of a storyteller than Mario Corelli.
“I found a dime! This gives me an idea for a book! Well, one 101th of a book! I’m sure the rest will come to me during the writing process,” thinks Mario Corelli for the fifth time that day, which he thinks is the second time that day. “A dime! I must include this in my next book!” he shouts.
If being a writer doesn’t work out for Mario, he can always fall back on hoping there are jewels in the water.
That’s it? Just fucking PLANT A PLANT? Even for you, Mario, this is weak.
AND WATCH IT GROW doesn’t make it better, Mario! If you thought watching your plant grow wasn’t implied by PLANT A PLANT, why did you leave it out? This is like telling someone to eat and then also poop. If you went back 40,000 years PLANT A PLANT AND WATCH IT GROW wouldn’t be advice. At no point in the evolution of apes could you insert yourself and be anything other than the dumbest fuck in the cave. The neuroscientist who finds your head is going to be so famous.
Oh, holy shit, THEN EAT IT? That’s actually a good idea.
What? Did Mario try to imagine happy childhood memories and accidentally imagine just the word “happy?” I would joke that this is the kind of thing you’d expect from someone’s first attempt at thinking, but that might really be what happened here. This book might be a physical therapy assignment after a treasure hunter’s brain was scooped out by a boat motor. Sorry, this is getting dark. Let me flip through and see if I can find a fun one . . .
. . . no . . .
. . . not that one . . .
GET WET? Hmm… I know two of Mario’s books are manuals for moist fucking, and he would have mentioned treasure if this was about swimming, so this might be a sex one.
This is definitely a sex one.
This might not be a sex thing anymore, but whatever it was in Mario’s native language, I bet it was filthy.
May we forever honor these, the last words of SWAMPBOT 2000.
This shows real growth as a writer because earlier in the book, “eat snow, eat snow, lick cold metal” would have been eight separate entries.
“User mario_101, you have reached the end of your free translations. Please upgrade to the Pro Version to continue using Diplomax Master Translation Software.”
“User mario_101, the period of trial has ended. Fuck to us the pineapple coins for enjoy more the word switch by WORD_WIZERD.EXE.”
I’m so pissed off at this goddamn idiot. Did he think running twenty things through five different translation programs counted as 100 things? And wait, no, hold on. By my count, this second, slightly worse butterfly-catching tip is Thing #108 in a 101 Thing book. Did Mario, on top of everything else, count wrong?
Is this… a-are we reading a diary found on a corpse in an opium field?
Yes, Mario. We’ll make all the rowan corals. As many as you want. You don’t have to hold on anymore. You can just let go.
We’ll *sniff* fly it, Mario. We won’t forget.
Sure, pal. Another great idea. Now close your eyes. Close your eyes and go toward the plums.
…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Johnny NoFun, who foolishly freed the duck from the pebbles, may he rest in plums.