Nothin’ trucks, fucks, or abducts like a sweet custom van. So we tasked you – the most Dragon With Its Tits Out community we know – to design your own rolling bone gallery. The tires are dusty and the shag is crusty, so let’s check out where you all want to get pregnant today!
Vooster wins the Most Difficult Labyrinth Van Award! Nothing will escape that maze just like nothing will escape that van.
Greg wins the Most Stuntin’ Van Award! If this van’s a rumblin’, don’t come a bumblin’… in. That saying works better in the original Cantonese.
ProseandKahn wins the Least Accessible Joke Van Award! You’d need five layers of in-jokes and a premium subscription just to get this reference, but it’s a good one. You’ll have to trust us, which is difficult in any van.
Gellaho wins the Van With the Most Human Dick Award! Steele is the cyborg with a human penis, repeat, an intact human penis, and if you don’t believe him just step into that van.
Special subcategory: Bloodsport vans!
We asked you folks for the bitchin’est custom vans possible, so it should and does come as no surprise that we got multiple Bloodsport entries.
Emma wins the Bloodsport Category: Best Van Damme Face Award!
DeltaFoxTrotII wins the Bloodsport Category: Classiest Bloodsport Award!
Javo wins the Bloodsport Category: Least Accessible Joke Van Award! Again, you’ll need to up your tier and go back in time a year to even start understanding this reference, but on the other hand… do you even need to?
Dane Matthews wins the Most Implied Van Diesel Award! The courage and restraint it took to not say it, to trust your audience (van lookers) to complete this joke for you, it’s inspiring.
Fatamatician wins the Least Trustworthy Fantasy Creature On a Van Award! This was a viciously competitive category, but the smile on that minotaur says you do not want to find out what’s at the center of his labyrinth.
Mo wins the Most Fuckable Font On a Van Award! Everything about this van is powerfully sexual in the most van of ways, but we’ve never seen a more fuckable M and we’re counting Dame Judi Dench.
Chase & Tyler McPherson win the Greasiest Van Award! Another highly competitive category, this van makes its own lube and subsequently, its own infections.
Steve Clark wins the Best Van Tits Award! Perhaps the most fiercely contested category in any van contest, a sweet custom van is only as good as its sweet custom cans.
Sissyneck and Trayton and Computer entered the Blue Buckaroo and won the Most Buckaroo Van Award! 416 Buckaroo Vans entered this contest and only Sissyneck and Company walked away with the coveted Guitar Wearing a Saddle Trophy.
We’ll let Sissyneck explain his vision: “well i never could art very well so I asked Trayton to help me and he found a computer thing you can just type what you want in and it will draw it so we put in what we thought would make the best van: a place for a Strong Cowboy and his Blue Heeler to maybe travel from ranch to ranch and be best friends in and the computer did a pretty good job i think?”
Metal Inside wins the Least Comprehensible Van Award! You can never truly pin down a sweet custom van design, just like you’ll never truly pin down a sweet custom van driver no matter how pregnant you get, Debbie.
Special subcategory: The Rule Breakers!
This was our fault, really. We tried to set rules in a custom van contest, and much like anyone who willingly enters a custom van, we deserved and fully expected every violation we got.
Chris Hendrix didn’t like the authentic biegeness of our entry form, but he still wins the Best Hot Dog Placement on a Van Award! There have been a lot of strategically placed hot dogs in this contest, and none have been more absolutely vital than this.
Hambone abandoned the form entirely, but then redrew it in a fit of regret! He wins the Most Culturally Sensitive Van Award! This was literally the most culturally sensitive van entered into this contest. By a landslide!
Josiah wins the Do It Yourself Van Award! Because while he did supply his information, when it came time to fill out the required form, he said “Do It Yourself.” Ironically, Do It Yourself is the one thing his van design is most against!
Van Name: Van of the Covenant, obviously
Signature Move: The Shame Cycle.
Do you own a van? Technically, the LORD owns this van, along with everything else. The only thing that is truly our own is our sin.
If so, what crimes do you commit in it? Is it a crime to expose and shame the perversions of one’s brethren? Cause if so, I guess you can call me a regular Zephaniah! (this joke kills at Wednesday night Bible study).
Frillythingy wins the Most Pure of Heart Van Award! She had no interest in our petty entry forms, because her heart sang “van!” so loudly that the whole world was forced to listen. Many vans are jokes or references, maybe they have irony or an agenda. The Cosmic Slap is just genuinely a sweet-ass van in a world that could always use more sweet-ass vans.
Van Name: Cosmic Slap
Signature Move: See van name
Do you own a van? Who’s asking, are you a cop?
If so, what crimes do you commit in it? Van larceny, van theft auto
We asked you to design a custom van, and Walter Wilson said “no!” That’s a valid response! Walter Wilson, you win the Fair Enough Award (Van Division)!
Matthew Harris felt like “Custom Van” was more of an abstract human emotion, and sent us this piece of performance art proving it. He wins the Interpretive Van Award!
Bonnybedlam thought visual media was all wrong for this contest – better by far to explore the concept of airbrushed van as it was meant to be experienced, through text! You win the Best Book Award (Van Division)!
Djonin decided that a tank is really just an angry van. He also figured that design is always inferior to product, so he repurposed a TTRPG figure for a custom van contest! You win The Most Improbable Fucking Van That Does Still Fuck Award!
Haraka also didn’t want to wait for reality to catch up with imagination, so he actually built his van on a tiny scale! Van King’s King Van, Van of Kings comes complete with little crown and adorable cape, and the motherfucker promised us he’d shoot video of it going off a bitchin’ ramp. You win the Best Promise (Unfulfilled) Award! We’ll change it to Fulfilled when you come through!
Will Black sent us this totally fuckin’ bitchin’ van that any hitchhiker would be proud to do anal in, and then we realized it was a PDF containing a complete design file for every inch of the van from every angle. This entire post would just be this van if we showed it all, so you’ll have to head to our Discord and the new Just Van Talk, Baby channel to see all the surplus vannery that simply would not fit here.
You are all winners of the PoxCo Vans in partnership with 1-900-HOTDOG presents Gratuitous Van Service Custom Van-Off and Panty Eating Contest! As promised, you will each receive one free custom van!
Just pick any one of the above entries and print it out!
And now here’s special guest MC, David Lynch, to kick off the Panty Eating portion!