It’s been a calendar year since we met Foreskin Man. It feels longer, though, doesn’t it? Like the protective, elastic skin that Dr. Mutilator yearns to tear from the vulnerable bodies of newborn boys, time has stretched out over the shaft of reality over these last twelve months. Let’s slow jerk a little while the world burns.
April 4th was Foreskin Day. Did you forget it again? Who could blame you? I mean, why do the gays get a whole month while the prized foreskin with its many nerve endings and shielding tissue only gets a day? Probably it has something to do with the J— sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Keep your eyes on the prize. We’ve got a whole cast of characters to meet and a lot of lore created by a desperate writer who landed the world’s weirdest gig in the most lubricated crossover since Avengers: Infinity Whore to get through. But every franchise has to start somewhere. Who’s the Captain America of penile health? Aside from Captain America, I mean.
Decidedly more twinky than Foreskin Man, Cosmo is the boyish, whiplike mascot of ONE Condoms. And while he has the physique of a Dick Grayson drawn by a glasses fetishist who rakes in ten grand a month on Patreon, I want to be extremely clear here: Cosmo was never a child. He has no tragic backstory involving the death of his parents at a circus, in an alley, or on an exploding planet. He appeared suddenly out of the innermost depths of a star, protected from the ravages of nuclear fusion by a box of condoms he was stuffed into.
Foreskin Man’s powers included rocket boots, rich, and no third power. You might think Cosmo has some kind of condom projection ability based on the art above, a sort of prophylactic Kirby Krackle, but come on. That would be ridiculous. No, he’s actually immortal and omniscient, but only regarding penis length and breadth.
Somehow, this feels like more of a violation than x-ray vision. Imagine this taut and fuckable little star warrior gazing into your eyes and knowing that he knows precisely what condom style would complement your penis. Oh, also he achieves his flirty little flip hairstyle with lube. Don’t do that, though. Lube reacts differently to your earth hu-mon follicles than it does to the hair of an astral sex monster.
ONE Condoms brought Cosmo into existence in 2024 to promote their custom condom measurement kit. Well, strictly speaking it was the sex toy company SheVibe that created him, but we’re already in danger of spinning out into an extended universe of dong superheroes, so we’ll get their world of magic Dolores-es another day.
In the ONE Condom-verse, Cosmo showed up on Earth in 1999, terrified everyone with the power of infinite dildo juggling, and then spent two decades fruitlessly begging the leaders of earth to invent better condoms. I know this is all a silly promotional bit, but I want you to really visualize that for a second. A human-appearing alien arrives one day, demonstrating the powers of unassisted levitation and vibrator manifestation. He is completely indestructible and shows no signs of aggression. But he also refuses to share any information about the cosmos, his people, or the secrets of his incredible powers. When he meets with world leaders, he shakes their hands with a knowing look, leans in, and whispers “ribbed. Size small. Almond-flavored.” This little cock imp would be on the government operating table quicker than E.T. We will learn your terrible arts of condom divination, Cosmo! We will wrench them from your very star-flesh! The bloodthirsty, paranoid citizens of America demand it!
Unfortunately, Cosmo was a complete and utter failure as a marketing tool. There’s only one KPI that matters if your job is creating condom company mascots, and if there’s still no art of your guy being turned into Wonder Bread or dominated by a man-tiger a year after his debut, then you’re— well, not fired, because this was probably an underpaid contract job to begin with, but you’re not getting commissioned to create a Cosmo motion comic where he battles a team of villains who personify poorly-fitting condoms.
Anyway, the brief was doomed from the start. Giving your penis herald from beyond the edge of space the same name as one of the Fairly Oddparents is just bad SEO. There are nearly 300 results for “Cosmo” on Rule 34, and none of them feature the ONE Condoms mascot. I checked. I also learned that porn site sidebar ads are getting really creative with generative AI, though most of the innovation appears to be focused on putting arm-sized monster hogs on women with anime child faces.
Thus, Cosmo saw, he came, he entered a year-long refractory period. But then, on “Foreskin Day” 2025, he returned. And this time, he wasn’t alone. I could have said “coming alone” there, but we’ve still got a lot of article ahead of us. Like a powerful man-tiger buried in Cosmo’s inviting hole, we’ve got to pace ourselves.
Cosmo’s meeting Intact America’s Foreskin Justice League, each of whom is an ambulatory penis except for the Foreskin Fairy, who’s just Angel from X-Men if he got on gear. Intact America is exactly what it sounds like — a well-funded, professional-looking organization advocating for an end to circumcision in the United States through unsettling imagery.
I went looking for information on them and ended up on the YouTube channel of an anti-circumcision VTuber talking suspiciously about how Georganne Chapin, the executive director of Intact America, funded a “Jewish film” and partnered with a guy named Eliyahu Ungar-Sargon, who seems to be a figure of hatred amongst the kind of person who wants to express plausibly deniable antisemitism from behind the stiffly-posed visage of an anime teen.
And I think I know why. In a blog post from 2022, Ungar-Sargon talked about his early encounters with intactivists when he was producing a film about circumcision in America. Back then, he had a conversation with Matthew Hess — the creator of Foreskin Man — and wanted to give him a chance to clear his name after the second issue of the comic was called antisemitic for featuring the character “Monster Mohel.” As a refresher, he looked like this.
Ungar-Sargon asked Hess if it was a coincidence that Foreskin Man was a blonde, blue-eyed white man who battled ethnic stereotypes, and he said that “Foreskin Man’s blond hair, blue eyes, and fair skin reflects my own German heritage. I see absolutely no reason to be ashamed of that.” Oh, just German heritage. No problem there!
It turns out that Hess was kind of a harbinger of things to come, as the intactivist movement’s figureheads like Chapin realized in the mid-2010s that their biggest groundswell of support was coming from the alt right. Rather than stand their ground against them, they welcomed people who believe that circumcision is part of a pedophilic Jewish conspiracy and have struggled to control them while retaining their image as a respectable social movement ever since. Here’s Chapin arguing that circumcision is at least partly responsible for mass shootings.
See? I told you we’d get to the conspiracies. But shit, what was I talking about? Oh, right. Penis superheroes. The foreskin is the Spider-Man of the penis, in that it has a Durability rating of three on the Power Grid.
First up is the Foreskin Fairy (not a superhero?) who teaches Cosmo about the history of foreskins. Cosmo learns that the Greeks and Romans used to stretch those thangs out.
Cosmo is “hypnotized by the decadence of the Ancient world” before moving on to meet the Hooded Hero and Tip Tamer. Already I’m wondering if we really needed this many ambulatory cock heroes. I get that they’re riffing on the Justice League, but I’m not sure the concept of foreskin needed six different characters to exemplify all of its qualities. Instead of developing a half-dozen weak gestures at Marvel riffs that look like Funko Pops from a timeline where sex stores followed the same business model as GameStop and then putting the word “Shield” in two of their names, you could have just had one well-developed guy. Have Cosmo meet The Cut Avenger. Let them explore each others’ bodies a little. I’m available, ONE Condoms.
“I’LL START MOISTURIZING BEFORE MY CONSULTATIONS THEN,” Cosmo tells the Hooded Hero. What consultations? Who? Moisturizing his dick or his hands for when he “consults” the be-foreskinned penises of six large men in Space Twink Annihilation 5?
I hate the Tip Tamer’s smug little Family Guy face. He looks like he’s about to say “Hey, Lois, remember the time I busted in the tight ass of a knockoff Superboy?”
For someone who is supposed to know a lot about dicks, Cosmo seems totally mystified by foreskins. And who the hell is this for, exactly? When intactivists wax rhapsodic about the delirious plaisir of the foreskin, that seems like it would just make circumcised guys feel even more inadequate. And while I don’t doubt that formal sexual education fails many young men, I have to assume that thousands of hours of hands-on experience by the time they’re eighteen more than makes up for any deficiencies in the curriculum about how good it feels to jack your uncut cock.
Sam Shield is the last guy we meet. Super Shielder and Elastic Enforcer don’t even get lines. This is what happens when you try to put too many characters in your crossover event or too many tops in Galaxy Gangbang Geeks Vol. 7. Someone inevitably gets the short end of the proverbial stick.
But there’s more, in a post on the ONE Condoms blog called “Closing the Foreskin Gap.” 79% of people with a foreskin have “experienced difficulties” using condoms! Wow, that seems really high! I wonder how many people without foreskins have experienced difficulties using them. Not to brag, but I’ve seen a few condoms in use in my time, and I would guess that it’s more than zero.
I used to be a social scientist, so bad survey construction still gets to me sometimes. What the fuck could this possibly mean? “Differently?” Differently than what? How would they know, unless they have the mutant power of foreskin manipulation like Phimorphis, who was kicked out of the Foreskin Justice League for his unconventional, foreskin-based approach to crime fighting?
Sure, this is definitely something that could and may have happened! But hold on just a foreskin-stretching moment. We’re entering some complex genital-based power dynamics here. Foreskin Man and the Silent Hill wiki taught me that circumcised men are the libidinous equivalent of a roadside armadillo carcass. Sure, you can have sex with it, but it quickly becomes a chafing, tiresome chore.
Now, though, I’m being told that guys with foreskins are the victims of a cultural smear campaign to make them ignorant and undesirable.
I’m trying to follow the logic here, and I think it’s that The Sundered have their birthright of limitless sexual pleasure ripped from them by bloodthirsty doctors, antisemitic stereotypes, and businessmen trying to make foreskin face cream, but as a compensation they’re held up as the standard by which all penises shall be judged? And yet, I was led to believe that women loathe the disgusting sight of a circumcised hog. So which is it?
At risk of being seen as doubting the integrity of the social movement that spawned a superhero named Foreskin Man, it feels like maybe this whole thing is just about fueling and exploiting male resentment and insecurity over a subject that most women just don’t actually care that much about. Should we perform medically unnecessary operations on infants? I don’t think so. But when one of your grievances is a nine year old Mila Kunis movie, your problems might be at least partially self-generated.
They did it! In discussing a scene from the movie Bad Moms, they actually did the classic “not so funny if you imagine a totally different thing, is it?” And look, I could be living in a liberal bubble, protected from the harsh reality of penis oppression out in Real America, but I can truthfully say that nobody I know has ever cited foreskin presence or absence as a determining factor in whether or not to pursue a sexual relationship with someone. So relax about your foreskin, guys. Women are much more likely to judge you on your height, bone structure, and hairline.
Maybe I shouldn’t make fun, though. Representation is important.
In conclusion, we need more television shows where the hero turns to the camera and says “I am uncircumcised and my foreskin did not prevent me from solving this heinous crime. If anything, it assisted — by protecting the delicate head of my penis and providing natural lubrication. Thanks, foreskin!”
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Eric Christian Berg. I don’t even have to say why. He knows. I know. You know. Everyone knows. You can’t see my face but I’m making a face and my eyebrows are like, “oh yeah, this is a perfect pairing.”