Behind the scenes at 1900🌭, we often like to celebrate the fact that thanks to our Patrons, we no longer have to try and use sponsored links to sell lists of Amazon’s ten least erotic pet toys, guaranteed not to get your dog in a humping mood! It’s a little bit difficult for me to enjoy that victory, though. I’ve been writing branded content for so long I now have advertising Stockholm syndrome. So, in exchange for nothing but the joy it brings me, I brought a pitch for some good old fashioned branded content to the hotdog team. We don’t get any money if you purchase it, BUT we get to spread the word about the best Halloween costume, this one:
Here’s a conversation that has happened somewhere in the world at some point:
Person 1: I’d like to be a clown for Halloween.
Person 2: Whole clown, or just the head?
Person 1: Head only, I think…yes, the smiling, dead-eyed head of a clown. Surely someone sells that?
Products do not exist outside of the vacuum of consumer need. Someone wanted this. They wanted it to wear an expression that says, “I’m a little bit frightened of my own existence.” It doesn’t look like it’s happy to be the disembodied head of a terrifying clown. Its eyes read madness and maybe a touch of terror. Honestly, it’s giving me Florence Pugh at the end of Midsommar.
The artist who got the note “Design a Halloween costume for just the head and mouth of a clown” couldn’t help but add their own feelings of dismay to the design. They were certain this was custom ordered by a puppet on a tricycle, and it shows. It would have been a cry for help if they thought help was out there.
In stumbling upon this costume, I’m a little worried I’ve discovered some secret code an evil society is using to communicate. There are too many upsetting details about this thing. For example, it’s not some weird glitch made by one company that ran out of ideas and made a cursed mistake. This costume is sold across multiple websites, and they always give it slightly different names, but those names always include the words ADULT CLOWN MOUTH.
And I know since you people have been on the Internet just as much as I have, you immediately clocked that the suggested retail price for the costume is sixty-nine American dollars. That is not a coincidence; that is a message. No one is buying this thing for sixty-nine dollars. They always discount it to something in the thirty to forty dollars range, but they want you to see that 69 next to the adult clown mouth. It’s a required part of the advertising.
Walmart advertising it as Clown Mouth Head is extra upsetting to me because it puts the mouth as the main feature of this costume. The idea of someone wanting to be only the mouth of a clown is way more upsetting than the idea that they want to be just the head. Oh no, I Googled mouth costume.
Sorry, I’ve gotten off topic, where was I? Oh yes, adult clown mouth. We all know what adult means in the context of this Halloween costume, right? It’s the same context in which some book and video stores are also adult. I’ve been dancing around this topic for about five hundred words or so, but every man I showed this costume to immediately noticed the mouth hole is right at dick height.
Let’s do a deep dive into one particular website selling adult clown mouth, Oriental Trading Company. First of all, if you look at the other costumes they suggest when you view adult clown mouth, they are clearly all pervert costumes.
Why would any well adjusted person want either of those looks? Someone out there can’t decide if they’re going to get railed by toast, Raggedy Andy, or a clown with human legs and a penis tongue this All Hallows’ Eve. It’s also got the most menacing product description I’ve ever read.
Nope. No, I am not looking to get creative with creepy clown. When a clown jumps out at me during a haunted house, I’m not like, “sorry friend, not creative enough. Maybe try being a disembodied head next time?” Let’s read the rest of it:
You can make the mouth open and close, which according to this description, is funny. Probably not to the people that are going to get bitten by that clown but ok. Then, it wraps up with, “pants and shoes are not included.” At first, I thought that was ridiculous, but the pants and shoes are arguably the most appealing part of this costume. I would not be shocked to learn a large percentage of the people who purchased adult clown mouth thought they were getting an amazing deal on a pair of blue jeans and sneakers and were hoping to throw out the horrifying headpiece that comes with them. Weird shoe sale, but ok.
Adult Clown Mouth has zero reviews, of course, because no one will admit that they purchased this thing, but it has one question. Since I have a lot of questions, I figured maybe the company had gotten back to someone on any of the myriad of things I think when I look at this costume. Things like “can it get me?” Or “are you sure it can’t get me?” I might also like to ask, “is it thinking about getting me?” You know, silly stuff like that.
Nobody asked any of my very pertinent questions, though. The one question was, “What are the measurements of this mask?” To which an auto response generated a generic size chart. So now there’s a woman who goes by Lorraine G. who, I hope to God, has figured out this is not a fun little mask unless she’s got a serious case of Jimmy Neutron head.
Now is the time in the article where I reveal that unlike Lorraine G. I have purposely purchased the Halloween costume so that I can properly review it and hopefully sell it to you for no profit. It arrived in a crinkled up ball an unnaturally short amount of time after I ordered it. They were ready to get this thing out of the warehouse.
My first discovery is that it does have armholes! Which is good for the use of the costume but bad for the creepiness level. Clown head with arms coming out of the ears somehow looks more like one of those horrible transformation sequences from The Thing than a clown head with legs does. If you leave it lying around the house, it will always fall into the most sinister smile position possible. I’m pretty sure it possessed my dog or at least taught her to copy its expression to frighten me.
Another notable feature of the costume is that it does provide the user with handles behind the mouth so you can make it talk. Funny! It can say something like, “Why are you running? I am your friend. Look at my perfectly symmetrical teeth.” Funny stuff like that!
The thing is, the handles are kind of a moot point because the costume has a disturbing sway to it. It’s constantly in motion as you move around inside of it, so if you’re walking, the clown’s mouth is slowly bouncing open and shut with your gait. It’s constantly chewing, adult clown mouth. So obviously, you’ll want to go out and purchase that right away. I heard there might be a clown head shortage this year.
There weren’t any hidden messages stuffed inside the mouth. As far as I can tell, whatever it’s definitely communicating to a secret society of clown perverts is coming through the ads for it, not the actual product. I’ve investigated this costume at great personal expense, and I’m not talking about the 69 dollars I paid (I demanded to pay full price so my credit card bill would look silly. Funny!). I’m running the risk of being known forever as adult clown mouth girl. “Lydia Bugg, isn’t she the first woman to wear the adult clown mouth costume?” They’ll say a hundred years from now. I’m willing to live with that, though, in the noble name of sponsored content.
Seanbaby and Brockway started 1900HOTDOG as a way to grift government processed meat subsidies, and along the way accidentally assembled the best comedy team in novelty phone number history. This week all articles are free in honor of the fantastic columnists that make this site a place to be treasured and feared in equal measure.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Haught Phart, who is the rest of the clown.