This is the Zazzle.com store page for President William Henry Harrison Gifts. That exists! Give the gift of William Henry Harrison, today, with Zazzle.
Unlike the image resolution of the products Iâm about to show you, letâs be clear. I want to make clear I am not hoodwinking Zazzle Dot Com into looking sillier than it is. Iâm not pumping a wacky search term sequence into the Zazzle website. That page is an on-purpose, specific, unique URL for President William Henry Harrison Gifts. Google brought me there. But when you arrive at this alienating store, they gaslight you. They place the words âpresident william henry harrison giftsâ in the search bar. As if to say this is not a store at all. As if this page is the grim progeny of you being weird. But no: Zazzle did this. Zazzle Dot Com delineated a permanent depot for William Henry Harrison-ania. The results are vile by 2020s commerce standards, 1800s moral standards, and any decadeâs definition of sane shopping.
Do you know who William Henry Harrison is? Whatever you said, good answer. You either said âno whoâs thatâ, or said âis that the President who died fast?â William Henry Harrison became President in 1841, and served 31 days in office, before dying. Heâs American historyâs number one Dead White Man, in the sense heâs iconically the âDeadâ part. His brief termâs briefness is all anyone knows about him. Also, heâs lucky thatâs all anyone knows about him. All other facts about William Henry Harrison are nightmares. He spent his brief life murdering Native people and maintaining slavery and being born rich thanks to slavery. Heâs a leading, towering figure of every American history horrorâŚbut heâs Mr. Beanâd his way into the simpler/wackier legacy of âhe died lol.â So for most people, William Henry Harrison is a howling void, as a topic. Heâs the dullest trivia tidbit. Heâs a factoid for middle schoolers to bandy about, in between hormones and discharges. No one has interest in this man. So tell me, Zazzle Dot Com, how/why/whatfor do you sell âwhat would william henry harrison do poker chipsâ?
My dear Hotdogger: you are right. These are random. William Henry Harrisonâs life had no poker component. He was not some sort of Vegas President. He never bluffed it all on the turn card at the Tropicana. I associate poker players with big indoor sunglasses. William Henry Harrison lacked eyewear in general, let alone the signature specs of a Greg âFossilmanâ Raymer.
Iâm aghast at these poker chips. Every element baffles. For example: theyâre sold in boxes of one color. Think that through. No one in the history of poker has used poker chips in just one color. That forces you to bet âone moneyâ per chip. You regress to a toddlerâs understanding of currency. Youâre better off just using money from your wallet. Money has denominations. Zazzle Harrison Chips are useless unless you buy in color-diversified bulk. You need so many of these. Also, the text alignment of that hanging âdo?â makes my eyes feel like they jumped off a cliff. Also, thereâs a discount if you use checkout code â2024ZMOMENTSâ. Iâm repulsed by the implied concept of âcelebrating a ZMOMENTâ. That sounds like a Terminator proffering a childrenâs birthday party hat with its non-gun hand. These chips are so hideous, Iâm just now getting around to complaining about its use of the phrase âwhat would [Person] do?â That phrase belongs to Jesus. Everyone knows Jesus coined that, or something. That belongs to Him. Only Zazzle is deranged enough to sell William Henry Harrison poker chips that jack The Risen Christâs steez.
Why are we here, looking at these products? Why, besides capitalism? Curiosity got the better of me. I wanted to know more about the ha-ha wacky President who died fast. I googled William Henry Harrison, looking for books and scholarship about William Henry Harrison. However, when you google anything, you often get served SHOPPING ADS at the top of the page. So when I googled a genocide enthusiast, I found an interesting book about himâŚbut not before scrolling past a row of products like this.
That first shop listing led me to a smorgasbuhwhatnow of thirty-eight William Henry Harrison Zazzle Dot Com ZMOMENTS. 38 different zâmentoes, presented as gifts. Gifts for that special someone you wish to confuse and concern. Or perhaps implicate in wasteful tree murder.
Youâre fine! Your monitor or phone is fine, and not glitching. That blurred visage is Zazzleâs fault. Thatâs the product image for William Henry Harrison Portrait Wood Wall Art. Finally, a portrait of â9th USA Presidentâ with only three-ish warped horrors in the image transfer. At last, the name âWilliam Henry Harrisonâ as it was meant to be seen, in Almost The Nazi Font. With this portrait youâll enjoy Willie Hanky Harry year-round! Gaze at his trademark âAbyss Orbâ Necktie! If thatâs what that is! What is on his neck! Oh well! Donât forget to use code âMATRIXROBOTKISSESYOUâ for 15% off this eight inch by eight inch wooden slab.
Have I described Zazzle.com yet? Zazzle is a marketplace website for anything anyone thinks of. Theyâll print anything, on demand, on anything. You (yes, you) can submit up to 100,000 product ideas before Zazzle Dot Staff rolls out of bed and considers doinâ a liâl quality control. Until then, upload away. Upload for profit. For you! According to “SideHusl Dot Com”, ginning up a Zazzle store is a fantastic side husl. Your idea, printed on anything! Even if theyâll never sell that idea in a bajillion years! They donât care and theyâre not checking and thatâs how William Henry Harrison likes it. If William Henry Harrison were alive today, heâd only have one objection to this store: the shirt modelsâ ethnicities.
Thatâs a t-shirt celebrating âTippecanoe And Tyler Tooâ, the presidential campaign slogan of William Henry Harrison and his running mate John Tyler and their eventual one question on the A.P. U.S. History test. Why was âTippecanoeâ a lot of the slogan? âTippecanoeâ was William Henry Harrisonâs nickname. He won that moniker by winning The Battle Of Tippecanoe. He âwon the battleâ in the sense that he attacked a small group of Native people with his larger army, did not run that attack very effectively, and had his troops desecrate Native graves after the Native folks retreated. Celebrate that event I just described with a painting of the event, printed on a Zazzle t-shirt.
As you can see, the shirt celebrates the battle between Zazzleâs garment printer and any average-shaped manâs pectorals. Your chest meat will Salvador Dali this massacre. Back to the slogan: Harrison ran for President on a slogan referencing these actions, because the white men of 1840 were rapacious land-grabbing maniacs. They liked that about him. They also liked the lack of other William Henry Harrison information. People in 1840 barely knew more about William Henry Harrison than you do. He ran one of the first American campaigns built on distractions, stunts, and vibes. Harrison ran on such a bogus non-platform of non-ideas, I found a scholarly write-up of it invoking the word “bogus”. His campaign makes scholars sound like Bill and Ted.
Harrisonâs team even faked Harrisonâs backstory. They claimed Harrison lived in a log cabin. Real Harrison came from a Virginia slaveowner aristocrat family. Harrisonâs father was full-ass The Governor Of Virginia. And then Harrisonâs chosen running mate, John âTylerâ Tyler, was another born-rich Virginia slaver. So âTippecanoe And Tyler Tooâ describes a two-layer nesting doll of the same bastard. Itâs like if a young Robert E. Lee ran for President, with Robert F. Lee as his running mate and Roberts G. And H. Lee as their Mafia-style underbosses while Robert Y. Lee brings them cocktails and Robert Z. Lee is on his knees being their couch. âTippecanoe And Tyler Tooâ was a whimsical pitch for a crimes against humanity-doinâ duo. Zazzle offers a t-shirt celebrating that, modeled by an unsuspecting Black woman.
These models took a couple pictures in blank t-shirts one time. She has no idea what Zazzle would auto-photoshop in later! Do weâŚtell her? Maybe she can learn this, fight back, bring Zazzle down in a cyberpunk heroine type way? Shimmy into a data center and unplug servers? Because they also did this to her:
Letâs get a better look at the shirt and also show you the product description. Computer, enhance.
This is such a mousetrap for nerds. A pedant honeypot. Also, it might be inaccurate? I searched online resources a lot. None of them say this. I have no idea where ThenWearOnZazzlePro got this. Please share if youâve got any sources. This seller sure doesnât! If this is a joke: No, itâs not. If this is a fact, itâs the worst fact you could put on your body. If you wear this, youâre dressing in an arcane sub-fact, about a boring Prime Fact, concerning two monstrous slaverymen. Only one kind of person wants this. Itâs for someone traipsing around town, chest first, quivering with anticipation of a fellow nerd asking why âTippecanoe and Tyler Tooâ is misprinted. Thatâs the one use case of this t-shirt: to inflict annoyance (and maybe misinformation!) on the rare other human being whoâs even a little bit like you. Buying this shirt is like taking a correspondence course in Loneliness But Profounder. The only good thing about this shirt is you can wear it under a different, less infuriating shirt. Every shirt is an undershirt if you rank it low enough. Also, you mostly donât have to look at your own shirt. It wonât look back at you. What will look at you? This kitchen magnet bearing a William Henry Harrison portrait so pallid and smeary, it makes me feel like he died in an asylum fire.
Moving on to cleaner, fresher art, Zazzle offers this bumper sticker, at a price point that suggests itâll flop off in your next light rainfall.
No one wants this. Not just because itâs a bad product. Absolutely everyone disagrees with this. You see, weâve had at least several U.S. Presidents. One (Lincoln) was good. The others (Roosevelt, Obama, I want to say âJohnsmanâ?) had funny mustaches or cool dogs. So if you think the objectively worse one, who died right away, is the best one, you areâŚa Presidential assassin? And/or anarchist? âThe only good President is a dead Presidentâ is maybe too punk of an attitude. And you celebrate that punk-or-assassin attitude by celebrating no Presidents. A 31 day administration is 31 too many, if youâre the murderer I described.
This postcard is eerie as hell. It looks ordinary, but itâs a picture of William Henry Harrisonâs tomb. Zazzle suggests you buy a postcard from that location, without visiting that location. William Henry Harrison rots in North Bend, Ohio, which is also the birthplace of President Benjamin Harrison. Benjamin Harrison was William Henry Harrisonâs grandson. Theyâre the only Presidential grandfather/grandson duo. So, uh, you could write that on the back of the card? Thatâs all you can do with [checks Zazzle] Zazzleâs second-worst William Henry Harrison postcard.
This gift is the worst one, ish. Itâs called William Henry Harrison Baseball Card. But it is objectively a postcard:
Thatâs a lazy stock image. But by Zazzle Dot Com standards, it achieves the tremendous success of not slapping Harrisonâs image on an unsuspecting descendant of a Harrison victim. They didnât photoshop it onto Tecumsehâs grandkid or whoever. So, mini-win. Oh no. Zazzle probably calls a mini-win a ZINIWIN or some garbage. Anyway: whoever made this doesnât seem to have made other cards of the other Presidents. They made just one Presidential âbaseball cardâ, for William Henry Harrison. And theyâre even lazier about copying sports tropes. Look at the few letters on this card:
Why is there a random âWâ in there? Is it a tribute to George W. Bush, and his 96 consecutive Harrison Terms (1 month) in office? Nope. Itâs a âWâ for the Whig Party. But itâs done in a faulty fashion. Baseball cards often feature a small initialism, representing the playerâs position. âPâ for pitcher, âCâ for catcher, â1Bâ for the slow meathead. This card makes a vague gesture at that, but it does that letter for the political party. Not the position (President). The party, aka his team. âWhigsâ should be written in a fun team logo, not a stamped positional afterthought. They also skip the good part of a baseball card, which is the back of the baseball card. Baseball card backs are pretty much the origin of sports statistics. William Henry Harrison is lucky this one doesnât total his enslavements and murders. Heâs lucky about that in general. Heâs legitimately lucky he died. His all-time record for death immediacy is all anybody knows about him. Itâs the root of the one William Henry Harrison joke online, which one Zazzle product manages to not garble:
Hardy-har-har-he-died-fast. He also deserved to die fast and everyone who bought this has no idea. Donât buy these gifts for anyone. Remember to be better, and do better. Like an inspirational figure would do. âWhat would an inspirational figure do?â And to remind yourself of that timeless messageâŚtake it away, Poxco!
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