How often do you think about scarves? Stop. Don’t answer that. I can tell you right now, it’s not enough. It’s recently come to my attention that scarves are the most important thing. The secret meaning of life can’t be found in art, family, or a game of basketball against the Looney Tunes, like we all thought. I’m pretty sure happiness is scarves. Look at the ecstasy that a simple scarf has brought the woman on the cover of this book.
Lorraine Hammett fought hard to create Living With Scarves for us. You might wonder at a woman who can create a book solely about how to tie a scarf, but what if I told you this book is actually a sequel? Lorraine Hammett actually wrote TWO books about how to tie scarves.
Imagine writing a full book about scarves and then thinking, “Wait, I have more to say!” There are some repeat knots in Living With Scarves, but that is intentional, you guys. Living With Scarves “offers the best of ‘The Knaughty Look,’ along with fashion ideas with accents, scarf clips, and other dynamic new ways of wearing your scarves.” It is the culmination of a life’s work on the topic of scarves, because Lorraine didn’t just write two books about scarves, she also made a VHS tape about scarves.
Iconic scarf mogul Lorraine Hammett’s legacy has been erased from history. She traveled not just her home country of Canada, but also The United States, and Australia, giving scarf clinics. She had a team of Knaughty Ladies qualified scarf consultants in the fashion accessories area of many Canadian department stores. Name a scarf and this woman has scarfed it. She even had scarf rivals, some less notable than others. Bobbie Jean Thompson, for example, was a scarf one hit wonder. Scarf Tying Magic was flashy but quickly forgotten by your average scarf connoisseur. Critics said she looks like she murdered her first husband with a scarf, and they found that glamorous, but off-putting.
Julie Claire was young and flirty. A scarf novice might pick up this cheap slop with only 50 easy ways to tie a scarf, but Lorraine offers way more than 50, and most of them are incredibly complicated.
The only true rival to Lorraine Hammet’s empire was Shirley Lybrand, who made a VHS called The Magic Of Scarf Tying (because Scarf Tying Magic was already taken). Her real threat to Lorraine’s elegant kingdom, though, was the VHS Kathie Lee Collection Scarf Trends. This was mostly a video about selling Kathie Lee’s collection of scarf clips and scarf rings, but in the intro, she introduces Shirley Lybrand as the “scarf genius of the entire world,” which is blatant Lorraine Hammet erasure.
Why do I think Lorraine is the best? It’s not just because she was the first to ever do it. It’s because she had a bold vision, and that vision was titty scarves. No one else was out here in the streets doing titty scarves except my girl, mentor, and if we ever meet in person and she’s down for it, lover Lorraine Hammett.
Sure, it might sound insane to trust a couple of flimsy knots in silky fabric to keep your boobs off public display. Of course, there are women who would need at least a scarf per titty to keep their gazangas the size of a toddler’s skull under control. This isn’t a whole outfit made of scarves for the faint of heart. This is extreme scarfing, and no one else would dare try it once, let alone multiple times in the same book.
You wouldn’t believe the many fabulous ways you can have nothing but a scarf to cover your genitals if you are the size of a Victorian waif suffering from tuberculosis. Lorraine Hammett was bold enough to ask what CAN be done with scarves, not why the fuck would you want to do that? What if you were stranded on a desert island with only your suitcase full of scarves, huh? What then? Well, in just a few folds and knots, Lorraine Hammett would put together a fashion forward outfit and catch 200 fish.
All of these are from the Knaughty Look, so obviously, you know what I expected from Living With Scarves: scarf pants. If amateur scarfing is creating a full vacation outfit from scarves, advanced scarfing must be business casual, right? I want a full Hillary Clinton pantsuit and jacket from scarves!
Sadly, I feel that someone has creatively stifled Lorraine in Living With Scarves. It’s truly her sophomore album. She expended all her creativity and hunger in The Knaughty Look, and now she’s less experimental. Big promises were made to me about this book. “You no longer dream about scarf tying, your dreams become a reality,” the back of the book says. What if I still want to dream about how I’m really good at scarf tying now?
I don’t think Living with Scarves will steal my scarf tying dreams from me. It’s more of a technical manual for scarf tying, and some knots are extremely complicated, as promised. For instance, have you ever considered how difficult it is to tie a frilly ass pirate cravat? Pirates were masters of the sea and scarves. Look at this shawl collar. It’s how an angel would fold a towel for Wayne Newton.
All of the scarf models in Living With Scarves have a similar sense of scarf ecstasy as the cover model. They all look like they’re staring into the distant future (1992), where we’ve achieved utopia through a complicated hierarchical system determined by scarf clips.
Even the male models share this expression, and yes, Living With Scarves does include a section on man scarves and it has every possible man scarf variation. You’ve got evil karate villain headband scarves, complete with an evil jock chin model.
They even show you how to tie a tie, because what is a tie but a vertical scarf. That’s the kind of vision Living With Scarves offers you. It’s not just teaching you how to live with scarves; it’s saying, “Look around you. You’re already living with scarves!”
For some of us, the passion and intensity with which you can live with scarves might be a little overwhelming. The book is divided into different sections by type of shirt that absolutely must be accessorized with a scarf. I’ll admit I didn’t know there were seven different types of blouses alone that can be accessorized with scarves, and when you add in a scarf clip, accent, or beads, it’s a lot of information. Passing the Knaughty Ladies qualified scarf consultant test was probably harder than the bar exam. Quick, you’ve got a customer with a Chelsea neck blouse who wants to accessorize with a scarf AND beads. What do you do?
Wrong! A Chelsea neck should never have a beaded scarf; it competes with the collar! You’re not allowed to be Knaughty anymore. You can leave your chiffon and scarf clip on my desk before floating weightlessly away and evoking beautiful images in shame.
If you’re thinking, “wow, I guess scarves really had their era at one point, but it’s not like anyone cares that much about scarves today,” think again, you cold-necked loser. Everyone has scarf opinions but you! Everyone is talking about scarves. Have you seen the size of Lenny Kravitz’s scarf? It’s the final boss of man scarves. GQ wrote an article called “Your Scarf Should Be Way Longer Than You Think” after this scarf dropped. The scarf journey will never end.
If this scarf history lesson has affected you as much as it affected me, you’re welcome/I’m sorry. I hope you no longer dream about scarf tying. I hope you achieve a full Windsor. May your neck be as warm as Lenny Kravitz’s and as accessorized as Kathie Lee Gifford’s. May you meet Lorraine Hammett someday and hear her say your titty scarf is tastefully knotted.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Autumn Armstrong-Berg, a scarf your grandmother knitted from itchy discount material that has come to life and is hell-bent on strangling everyone at this family reunion.