In 2018, on a website almost certain to crash while trying to display it, I wrote an exhausting analysis of the career of seduction artist, Don Diebel. Then I found a book on picking up strippers he secretly wrote under a different name. Then we covered him on our award-willing podcast, the Dogg Zzone 9000. Don has been publishing books about fruitlessly bothering women for over 40 years and I have documented all of them. But listen: he also has a blog. Don Diebel has been dutifully publishing his public humiliation and sexual harassment tips online for over 12 years. And we’re going to read some.
It’s going to get weird. Problematic, mysterious, and frustrating, but mostly just so fucking weird. Let’s start in 2016 with his tips on, oh man… Picking Up Drugged or Drunk Topless Dancers.
The thing about Don Diebel is none of his advice is good and he’s never had a relationship with a woman. In all my studies, I found only a few anecdotes about his dating history and they were all obviously fake. His dating advice is mostly to leap in front of women until one of them turns out to be horny or somewhere her screams can’t be heard. If you were a coroner and met Don Diebel, he would get a little smile and hiss about your job’s perks.
Don knows nothing about how humans or their world work, and that includes the attendance or operation of strip clubs. He has written several guides on “seducing” sex workers, “outsmarting” drink minimums, “circumventing” state and local ordinances, and almost every word of them would get you kicked out or arrested. For instance, the tip above is basically “go to the strip club and hope one of the girls is high enough to shove into your trunk. Test this by creeping in right before they close and begging each of the dancers to do something illegal with their vagina for free. I’m America’s #1 Singles Expert.”
A few months later, for 0 Likes and with a watermarked stock photo, Don shared his tips for dating “Centerfold Type of Topless Dancers.” He suggests, maybe try giving them things? Asking every single one of them for a date? That’s it. That’s how you go out with a super hot girl from “America’s #1 Singles Expert.” And, of course, there’s no advice dumber than that. Those tips aren’t expert advice on how to score; they’re an idiot family’s second and third guesses on Family Feud after “giant hog.” But this is all actually lower effort than you think because this blog post was taken verbatim from a book he wrote 25 years ago. This is page 18 of HOW TO PICK UP TOPLESS DANCERS, a masterpiece he wrote in 1996 under the pen name Derek Evans, and I’m not doing a bit. I just looked it up.
If he’s still handing out this ignorant ass entry-level advice, it means he’s asked out every stripper in every bar he’s still allowed in, and Don Diebel still hasn’t gotten past the handshake part of a relationship. The most frustrating part of reading Don Diebel’s seduction tips is seeing a man whose greatest aspiration is finding a magic flute that paralyzes women and realizing you’re starting to feel sad for him.
Let’s skip ahead a couple months.
Okay, so let’s think about this. Don Diebel is maintaining a blog with stolen art and no engagement where he reposts the same ancient, useless dating advice every few months. Has he automated this? Did he mail his books to Bangladesh and tell them to turn them into a website, any website? It seems like that’s what this is, but I feel like I would have heard about it on the news if a Bangladeshi click farmer suddenly scored with hundreds of centerfold topless dancers right out of the pages of Playboy.
Let’s jump ahead a month.
Take it from Don Diebel, world’s most topless-dancer-rejected man, you wouldn’t want to go out with them anyway. This is also taken verbatim from his book on picking up strippers and gives a nice window into his suffering. He has dedicated his life to this one thing, can’t do it, and if he thinks about it too long he realizes he wouldn’t want to anyway. This post is also solid evidence Don has never gotten further with a stripper than getting yelled at for following her to her car. He says they’re “irresponsible and undependable,” but how? Why? I feel like if a person had ever gone on a single date with a sex worker at any point in their entire life, they would have at least one personal anecdote to support an opinion like this. The backstory here, if there’s even any truth to it, is probably that Don Diebel invites strippers to things and they politely say, “Sure, maybe,” and then he goes there and waits until he’s cranky.
“This is why I hate dating centerfold type of topless dancers!” he screams at the hostess explaining he needs to either order or let another diner have the table. “Irresponsible! Undependable!“
Let’s see if responsible and dependable Don came up with some original material in 2017.
Don Diebel hadn’t gotten a like or a comment on his blog in over four years, so it would be weird if he was putting effort into this. Still, this seems beyond the scope of mere laziness. He is copying and pasting passages from his topless dancer book that reference other chapters of the book. It’s a blog on the Internet and the words say “in this book.” It’s a picture of a butt above the advice “Don’t act horny at a strip club– the women will appreciate how you are there to distract them from their source of income which they hate. After they are drugged, reveal you were secretly horny the whole time. Maybe the most horny.” My point is, Don Diebel might have been killed and replaced by his sex robot.
I was joking earlier about how Don Diebel has never gotten past the handshake part of a relationship with a woman. But this man has devoted the last four decades to the singular pursuit of poontang, and it’s suspicious that by far –BY FAR– the most detailed instructions he has ever given is about how to shake someone’s hand. He shakes hands like he’s certain he’ll one day locate the secret off switch somewhere on a stripper’s palm. If he was in the movie Groundhog Day, he would only have one plan: shake Andie Macdowell’s hand every morning and then kill himself and reset until he found the sex way to do it.
He posted this in 2017! I will never get over how after an entire lifetime of seduction, Don Diebel is now an elderly virgin who thinks shaking hands with topless dancers is panty-dropping wisdom. It’s like a retirement speech where someone says, “I never really worked here. I just sat at a desk one day and no one made me leave. I don’t even quite get what you guys do here. But I do know how to make the perfect sandwich: two pieces of bread and your favorite middle.”
You know what? Let’s do a creepy one.
If you were writing a screenplay, this is how you would tell the audience someone was a murderer. Don Diebel is suggesting you sit by yourself and rehearse your smile for topless dancers. Methodically practice a false display of friendliness for the last person in the world who would appreciate it. And did Don Diebel explain what a frown means there at the end? Don, who did you write this for? Horny killers who don’t know how faces work? You’re 75 years old, Don. You’ve been pursuing this goal your entire life, and the only thing you’re an expert on is making faces at women paid to be there.
Do you have any advice for picking up naked women beyond ordinary human behavior? Like say the topless dancer hasn’t sensed the darkness masterfully concealed behind your handshake and smile. How do you flirt?
So you stare at them, melting them with a special look you’ve practiced in a mirror, which they will find impolite, unless they are dancing. Got it. I will go into the strip club (right before they close (because that’s when the girls are drugged)) and look directly at each one of them, always smiling. Holy shit, I was sort of making fun of him, but I think they’re going to love this.
He knows this can’t be true, and he’s seen it not work over the course of his life, but Don Diebel is still positive strippers are impressed, nay wheted, by men who come to the bar looking for free sex instead of paid titillation. Like she’s going to say, “Sir, there’s a two drink minim– what? You’re only here to ask me on a date? Oh, a thousand times please! You’re one in a million, grinning, leering stranger in a strip club!”
Okay, sure, this is all very embarrassing. Don Diebel explains, in detail, how he pumps himself up in the mirror before he goes to the strip bar. He writes “SCORE” in soap. It’s tragic and lonely… a ritual of pure magical sadness you’re forced to watch yourself perform. Don even has a moment of lucidity after he tells you to do this when he says you should never tell anyone you do this. But look closely! After years of no one interacting with his blog, this one has a comment! It’s from a very satisfied reader named Deepak! And his profile is… oh, it’s a link to a suspiciously similar website with the same seduction products Don Diebel sells. So either Deepak isn’t real or he is, and he’s the guy copying Don’s old books onto the Internet in exchange for a slice of the subliminal seduction country music CD* profits.
* I actually bought one of these. You’re welcome, Deepak.
Jesus Christ, Deepak posted Don’s instructions for topless handshaking again. I’m going to jump ahead to September of 2019 because it’s around then when Don Diebel’s blog started a new trend of posting image macros.
Seven months after my Cracked article about Don Diebel went live, his blog started stealing graphics from it and using them as posts. Deepak either didn’t know they were made to mock him or didn’t care. Oh, and one thing I haven’t mentioned yet here: after a lifetime of failing to pick up women with the perfect handshake, Don started including God Himself in his sexual assault schemes. He wrote books about how to ask Jesus for free girls, sort of realized it wasn’t going to work, and soon pivoted into using the Lord to deal with his crushing misery. Few people have squandered the gift of life as much as a seduction author dying alone with an empty heart and full balls. He’s still, after all these years, groveling for kisses from strangers in exchange for flowers to be given at a later date. So I don’t blame this bitter old fool for asking God this:
So this was Don Diebel’s sex blog now. A malfunctioning robot or disinterested Deepak reposting images made by his worst critic to embarrass him. That’s a prayer, to the Lord Jesus Christ, asking Him to help you not forgive women who almost certainly never existed. How is this happening? I didn’t even know you could get Jesus wrong, but this lifelong sex pest did, then got humiliated for it, then paid someone to post a picture of the humiliation to an audience of zero, and now it’s happening again.
Over the course of five books, Don Diebel went from “here’s how you use subliminal hypnosis to get any chick at a disco” to “please God if You are listening I’m so alone, I know You won’t give me a woman, I get that, but please Jesus help me with this sadness, Amen.” And here he is, in 2019, celebrating a moment not from that superlative career, but from an article mocking it. I don’t feel comfortable adding a punchline to that. I think we’re all now scientists researching the upper limits of fucking up. At what point of failure are you still an author? Still a man?
A month later, Deepak reposted this same tragedy right after a graphic I made of what I would say is Don Diebel’s worst pick-up line, and arguably the worst advice ever given. By the way, if you’re asking strangers if they’re some sexy little girl you remember from 1972 before you talk to God, you legally need to include that in your prayers. “Dear Jesus, I tried the Girl Scout thing again. Yes, I know. Anyway, please help me deal with the loneliness still happening to me for whatever reason.”
The next month, every single post on Don Diebel’s blog was a derisive graphic made by me, his cyber bully, with no links, context, comments, or likes. There’s a thing that happens sometimes when I write about an obscure author and my articles making fun of them take over their Google results, but I’ve never had anyone voluntarily surrender their entire online identity to me like this. It’s fucking nuts. It’s like calling him Fart Virgin and him coming back a year later with a notarized change of name form and saying, “Thanks for the free name, sucker!”
Uh oh, I called him Fart Virgin, which means I’ve hit the part of my Don Diebel research where I’m too sad to make jokes. Let’s see if I can find something positive on the blog of a man who proudly stood by the words “Daddy Pick-Up Line: Your daddy must play the trumpet because he sure does make me horny looking at your beautiful body!”
Hey, wow! Seven months later, on a post about prioritizing Jesus Christ while on a pussy hunt, Don Diebel’s blog got a comment from a reader! A maybe real person, whose name did not link to an online roofie retailer, asked if he could talk privately with Don about “hooking up with single ladies.” It’s happening for him! He got a fan! Though I worry Hugh J is going to be disappointed when Don opens a chat window and types some nutbag shit like “sexy babes love topics so memorize a newspaper before talking to one. thanks for reading! good hunting -Don.”
hahaha Don, I was kidding about memorizing the newspaper, Don! Hold on… make an interesting story… wisecracks… you know, aside from the trumpet quote graphic Deepak included, this one isn’t very crazy at all. How is “memorize the goddamn newspaper” Don Diebel’s best seduction advice? How has the bar been so lowered that a pervert’s dying words of “it’s quite erotic to memorize… the newspaper!” has me saying, “You know, he’s not wrong, gang!” Have I been subliminally hypnotized by the seductive country music CD I bought*?
* again, I really did.
Nine days later, Don leads us in a prayer to try to convince Jesus we’re not sad our girlfriend left. I’m not sure if this makes it more sad or less sad, but Don Diebel definitely made up this girlfriend he’s hassling Jesus about.
Don Diebel is now trying to cope with Jesus’ choice to not give him free babes. Over the course of his career Don has tried everything. Hypnosis never worked, asking to suck feet at the pool didn’t end how he hoped, propositioning every centerfold type of topless dancer was arguably pointless, handshakes and staring led to nothing, smiling was a huge waste of time, and now on his death bed even Jesus is failing him!? How? Is Jesus maybe mad about Don not being Christian enough? That must be it. Put that in the blog, Deepak.
After too much Don Diebel I find myself taking on some of his mannerisms. For instance, I start giving out obvious advice like “if you want your mentoring to be taken seriously don’t include a picture of yourself sexually objectifying Girl Scouts.” Otherwise, this post is sound advice– if you shut up about feet and Girl Scouts long enough for a woman to stay and talk to you, let her finish her sentences. Wait, hold on, what is that hypothetical story this hypothetical woman is telling? Someone mooned her during rush hour? I don’t like how Don Diebel’s yada yada example of a generic human conversation is some guy taking out his asshole and showing it to a woman. It makes sense, but I still don’t like it. Let’s do one more…
God damn it, Don. You’re still doing this? We can’t end on that one. Let’s jump all the way to the present day. What advice did the self-proclaimed #1 Singles Expert in America Since 1981 use to end 2021?
In 2021, years after we collectively decided this is a very special occasion word, Don Diebel used “bitch” ten times to describe women and their bitchy ways. It’s the culmination of forty years of academic women’s studies in and out of the field, and Don Diebel’s advice on meeting and seducing ladies is “bitches are bitches and will never not be bitches, wait let me explain: those bitches will die bitches.” It’s incredible. He has spent every waking moment of his life dedicated to this singular purpose and no one has been worse at anything. This is like finding out Timothy McVeigh wrote 30 books on serene home decorating tips. With all the deranged wonders I’ve seen, I truly can’t believe Don Diebel is still doing this shit.
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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Brian S., who mistakenly received the answers to every single one of Don Diebel’s prayers and spends every day on the run from a drugged stripper army.