Beneath our world lies another– one of forbidden ecstasy. A world where pleasure and pain combine in a ritual too mysterious to understand. The souls lost to it call it by one word: “spanking.” It was spoken of only in orgasmic yelps from shadows until 2010 when one courageous author revealed its secrets. Prepare your soul, and your tender parts for… HOT CROSSED BUNS: A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO SPANKING.
You might already be thinking, “This is a very unnecessary book.” And you’re right! Spanking is not a complicated or unusual thing. HOT CROSSED BUNS was written by a spank pornographer who thought her lifetime of experience had given her a specialized skill, and she was wrong. This book is like the parent of a terminally sick child writing Chewing Hospital Vending Machine Chips for Novices and Lower. And I’ll say right now there will not be any unexpected twists in this article. An “expert” is going to “teach” us everything she knows and discover, after two pages into a 100 page book, that all spanking knowledge fits on two pages. And speaking of not surprising, here is the author photo she chose for the book jacket:
I love this decision. All books should include pictures of the author’s ass, beaten to a rawness that shows how impish they were during the writing process. When Barack Obama wrote A Promised Land, was he sitting on the pristine buns of a statesman, or a butt just torn apart by leather paddle? It’s fucked up we don’t know.
The first thing the book promises to teach us is “SPANKO LANGUAGE” because when you’re getting the back of your balls beaten you need to know the Spanko phrase for “crush them, coward” and “I am lost, where is Spank embassy?” Seriously, though; it’s adorable there is a secret language for spankers to talk about spanking.
The second thing we’ll be learning is… how to talk about spanking with others? This seems like the first thing. Tasha Lee, I don’t think it’s a good sign you’ve run out of ideas after only one bullet point. Can you even understand me? How do you say “creative bankruptcy” in Spanko? Four minutes of violent ass play? Okay, maybe I see the appeal. She could be doing this on purpose. Let’s move on and see what we’ll be learning after interacting with spankers and interacting with spankers.
God damn it, Tasha.
So Tasha Lee is something called a… s-switch? This is going to sound complicated, but a “switch” is someone who can spank, yet also, and here is the crazy part– get spanked. As you’ll discover later, Tasha isn’t sure about a lot of things, but one thing she is certain about is how the reader wants to get started on their new spanking life only after hearing the fascinating life story of Tasha Lee.
Tasha Lee grew up as a child and went to schools and studied subjects, and well… if you were wondering how unique she is? Um, try very!? As she mentions several times, she’s both unusual and a bit off the beaten path, so I’m sure she won’t make this, our introduction into entry-level kink, all about her.
It’s not a great introduction. After saying nothing of value about herself and less about spanking, she reminds everyone she’s a Switch, a term now being capitalized as its importance in Tasha’s mind grows. Tasha now tries to imagine all the questions you, a spank beginner, must have for her. And in the next section, she tries to answer them.
Tasha, I know you already spend a good amount of time being punished, but this sucks. This isn’t fucking anything. If I asked two people what spanking was like and one said, “fine,” and the other said this, I would say “Thank you for your time, assplay hobbyists; you’ve each been the exact same amount of helpful.”
This waffling gibberish is worse than leaving a blank page. It would have been more helpful if she had written an apology for running out of question ideas. If this was a book report and these words came out of your mouth, I wouldn’t say, “Did you even read the book?” I’d say, “You lying scoundrel, do you even have a butt?”
Q: Why am I still asking you things?
A: It is uncertain as there are aspects of causes ranging from many to various, sometimes none or each. I alone can navigate this uncertainty, as I am a Switch, my cheeks cursed and blessed to quiver between both realms.
Alright, this one is frank and honest advice.
Now that we have some background on the topic, we’re going to move on to Chapter One: “Learning the Language.” But first, let’s see if you can guess how it starts. Based on the depth of insight and expertise you’ve seen so far, how do you think this spanking author opens her chapter on insider spanking terms? Lock in your answer and then scroll down.
You were right! She gave the dictionary definition of the word spanking! At this rate we’ll be ready to begin human bun trials in only 26 months.
The second term is spankers, which is someone who spanks. These can also be called spankos or spankoholics, but that’s probably an inside spanker joke because that’d be so fucking stupid. Not to kink shame, but if you hear someone sincerely claim to be a “spankoholic,” you should shatter their pelvis with hockey sticks like a teen smoker being forced to finish an entire carton of cigarettes. Or love them unconditionally. I don’t know, I don’t know you. It’s totally different for each person. Email is good.
The rest of the words Tasha defines are all commonly used kink terms like BDSM, sadism, masochism, fetish… it would take a truly baffling series of events for this sexual violence instruction manual to end up in your hands without already knowing them. However, the 17th word is one I’ve never seen before:
This is going to get a little complicated, but a switch, sometimes known as a Switch, is a person who can take part in any of the both positions in a spanking. It’s an ability so rare that the author stopped to say, “People don’t normally do this during a definition, but I am this thing, reader. Me, myself: an actual Switch.”
Now that we know the lingo, it’s time to learn some basic orgy etiquette:
Spank beginners, you’re going to often find yourself at spank parties where strangers may be putting on public spank shows. These are called “scenes” in the spank scene, and you’re going to be tempted to jump in there and tickle those feet or rub those heads. This may be a mistake. In fact, depending on where they are in their performance, it might be rude to even ask. If you’re in doubt, listen for subliminal cues in the spanker’s tone. Or try this line: “Ma’am, would you like me to wait until you’ve punished the cum out of your husband before I tickle his feet? The name’s [YOURNAME, YOURCITY, YOURSTATE], and I’m not quite sure I’m pronouncing this right, I’m a spankoholic.”
Tasha spends a few more pages explaining the basics of consent and politeness. We can skip past most of it because if you managed to get to your current location without committing any sex crimes, you already know this stuff. However, there is an important thing you need to know in subsection 7:
Part of what makes me good at my job, besides my… geez, I guess you’d call it a unique and unusual personality (for you see I was a self-proclaimed weirdo in high school), is my ability to spot weak points. Artists have little tells when they’re insecure or narcissistic or need to fuck Uma Thurman’s filthy toes. But it’s rare to see someone expose their issues so nakedly. This is a woman who thought her spanking thing made her special and accidentally entrenched herself in the one community where that wasn’t true anymore. So she had to invent a subset of spanker, or “spanko,” that was, oh my god you guys, so wild a lot of people swear it’s impossible– the Switch. And it’s not that I don’t believe her about a “great debate in spanking circles” over whether Switches truly can exist. These are definitely the kind of nerds who have thoughts on whether Die Hard is a sandwich. I’m saying pull down your pants, let strangers slap your bare ass, and have some dignity, Tasha. In your desperate quest to make “History’s Only Switch” into your personality, you’ve had to create a universe governed by the law that no woman can both swat a butt AND YET ALSO hold her butt still. And if you insist it’s more complicated, which I’m sure you absolutely do, your book proves how easy it is to go from “what is spaaaahn-kiiiiiing?” to “Hero of the Ass Orgy” in 100 huge-fonted pages.
The next section is another one about sex party etiquette.
Honestly, this is her best advice yet. If you’re looking for success at an orgy, step one is to be a lady. The only thing you have to know how to do as a girl is how to say no kindly, which brings Tasha to step two:
When it comes to letting potential spankers down gently, Tasha gives the same advice she always gives. She restates the premise and then makes it about her in an unhelpful way. This is my favorite book, I’ve never seen anything like it.
These are some important medical facts. A good portion of the butt shares a pelvis with the penis, so some of the vibrations may stimula– hold on, wait. What the fuck? This is, like, page 65 and I’m only now getting a boner? Is Tasha suggesting none of the book up to this point was meant to be sexual? I’m supposed to be getting my asshole dominated by a half naked woman in front of all these masturbating strangers for what, exfoliation? Psh, ridiculous.
Next, Tasha goes over some of the most common spanking positions. For instance, couch, chair, chair, etc. This already seemed silly to me since none of this is in my kink zone, but now that I know it’s often not a sex thing, I feel like I’m watching chimpanzees lose their minds in captivity. If these people aren’t fucking, this is just slap fighting with fewer concussions and more side ball.
Chapter Six “Techniques During” surprises us with a cartoon. The man asks who is going to “Top” in their “Scene” and the woman replies “BOTH!” The joke works because it’s hilariously impossible for a person to spank and then also be spanked. Unless… unless maybe someone could, I don’t know, take on one role and then swit– no, such a person would be far too unique. Far too special. It is forbidden, and we must never speak of it.
Next, Tasha helps you establish your spanking goals. You get it. Oh, you don’t? That’s fucking nuts? Okay, I’ll show an example from sub-subsection (c):
Some people go to spank parties for the nonsexual fitness or the barely sexual spinal realignment. Ah, but some have more erotic goals, like seeing a specific color of butt. “Tonight, I shall witness a Sri Lankan ass become exactly magenta,” they vow. If this is you, and I bet it is now, Tasha’s advice for you is, “Everything is different depending on factors, I’m not helpful.”
Maybe you’re at a spank party for the theatrical entertainment? If so, Tasha gives an example of a skit you can perform with your Top or Bottom, or under only the most extremely specific of circumstances, your Either.
Obviously everyone involved in this can fuck themselves to death in Hell. This is a softcore porn parody of a children’s puppet show. Listen, and this is important: if you get aroused from Darth Vader getting teased by a sassy baby, the only ethical thing to do is burn that boner off with a soldering iron. You monster.
Maybe our next spanking goal will be less dark.
Jesus fucking Christ, Tasha. I genuinely don’t know what to say. I guess I agree with you, the author of the book on how to do this, that you shouldn’t recommend this. I knew going into this book I wasn’t the audience for it, but now I worry such an audience doesn’t exist. You need someone so foreign to kink they haven’t heard of spanking and kinky enough to buy a book on it. Someone naive enough to find any of this useful, but experienced enough to know they need to see someone cry. Someone sexually aroused by amateur vaudeville played out on a woman’s ass, but not sexually aroused by anything. And I’m glad I mentioned sex, because in the next section, Tasha is going to tell us what to do in case any of these mundane activities turn to sex (sometimes known as intercourse).
Tasha set out to create a manual for spanking and accidentally wrote How to Act Human at an Orgy for Squid and Other. This might sound arrogant, but I don’t find this advice helpful. If I’m at an ass slapping party and my dick is in a woman, I already know things are getting erotic. And while I have done some academic study on the subject, I wouldn’t consider myself a spanko. If Tasha thinks her readers are this stupid, it’s fucking crazy she is trusting all this sexual violence to their judgment. “This is a whip. It is a rope-like rope used for slapping butts, which are a type of flesh mound for sits and poops. People say my poops are the best they’ve ever seen, I grew up in Milwaukee. Remember to wait for the WALK signal when crossing the street to any spank party, and rip into that naughty brat as hard as you think is right.”
The pages in HOT CROSSED BUNS aren’t numbered, but I estimate we’re at about page 80 when Tasha finally addresses what to do when it’s time for sex. She suggests, if the spanking is going well, to stick it in her on a bed or other soft surface. That’s mostly all there is to it, you’ve got it from there.
In addition to the above, sex and spanking can be linked in another way. For instance, did you know spanking could be used outside of pervert mixers and incorporated into the actual sex? You did? H-how? Okay, I guess you can skip this next part then.
“It’s obvious. You spank while having intercourse.” – A self-proclaimed authority on spanking on “Spanking during sex.”
Chapter Eight, “Implements” goes over the different things you can assault a butt with, and we don’t need to get into it. Tasha spends most of it rewriting the packaging on different sex toys. A fourth grader who remembers most of the Wikipedia entry for “Paddle” would write the exact same book. There was one entry worth mentioning though:
When the reader of your beginner’s guide to spanking is thinking about taking a whip to the vaginas of several new friends, you need to be delicate with your advice. Tasha instead says, “Some ladies love a nice crotch whipping! Others don’t care for it so much. Be gentle, unless that dirty bird wants you to carve her like a turkey. Do your best!” I am learning so much, yet in other ways I am not.
Tasha has some fun ideas on how you can use spanking to celebrate specific events. For example, you could spank on one specific event, or spank on another. She gives five examples of events. “Christmas,” she lists, keeping it in the book.
Tasha also lists some ideas for naughty role playing scenarios. For instance, if you’re playing a Teacher and Student she suggests five scenes including “You failed a test” and “You don’t know your multiplication tables.” Hot! That means one of you is eight! And if you’re playing as Householder and Maid she suggests one scene including “Maid does some cleaning but it is not good cleaning, end of list.” I’m not sure if it’s an act of courage, deceit, or stupidity but after failing to list a second thing she adds, “Obviously the list is endless.”
A lot of people think dressing up in fetish gear and performing erotic roleplay on someone’s private parts has erotic undertones. Others say no. “I don’t fucking know, maybe” guesses the author. And with that, Tasha has shared all she knows about the world of beginner’s spanking and answered your every question. Except maybe… maybe there’s one last thing to put to rest.
You already know what it is.
Some say Tasha is still out there, typing into this same paragraph where she will stay until she has defeated all potential arguments against the existence of Switches. But that’s a story for another butt. For now, take what you’ve learned, find an ass, and tear a nonsexual chunk off that nasty thing, spanko!
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Eric Rion, who has to admit that he has no control over his addiction to spankohol.