I’m terrible at investing. I never know whether to put my money in stocks or bonds or that online monkey art that looks like shit but is somehow pretend money. However, I recently found the perfect investment opportunity. For a mere twenty dollars and four hours of my time, I became a MoonStar Academy CERTIFIED psychic.
My instructor was a psychic witch named Astrid, whose real superpower is branding. This woman spends so much time doing business there can’t be a spare moment in the day for sucking the youth from the children of Salem into a big spooky cauldron. She owns magickandwitchcraft.com, where she blogs and keeps a whole online Hogwarts of witch classes. She has a YouTube channel with shamanic drumming ASMR. She does a podcast about witchcraft. She sells tarot readings, astrology readings, and spiritual coaching (which is life coaching with more ghosts). She’s on Insta; and Facebook. The woman is the Kim Kardashian of witchcraft.
Astrid’s philosophy on psychic powers is grounded in logic. She’s a logical, scientific-minded psychic witch, you see. The thing about psychic abilities is everything is based on energy. Some energies are so heavy they are tangible. Meaning they exist in our physical world. Astrid shows us a couple of great examples of heavy energy by picking up things from her desk, like a highlighter and a tiny fuzzy monkey statue, and explaining to us how those things are real because she can touch them.
There are things with light energy we can’t see, but we still believe exist, like cell phone signals, so if you believe in cell phones, you should also believe in psychic energy. It actually makes sense evolutionarily to have psychic powers because it’s part of our survival instinct. It would be great for early humans if we could sense a tiger coming to eat us, so that must have happened. Tiger energy is heavy as hell. Or, in words more easily understood, it is three cell phone signals.
The question is, how do you access this psychic energy? Contrary to what some believe, you don’t need special powers to do it. You just need twenty dollars and a candle. It turns out being psychic is pretty much just staring at a candle and thinking about stuff. Astrid posits all of your thoughts are clairvoyance. That’s hard for me to believe because I have a lot of stupid thoughts. Once I thought I should try to write a Christian erotic novel called Three Wise Men Make a Baby. Was that a psychic premonition? Do I have to do that now? Is anyone’s loins ready?
You must also “deprive your physical sense to access your astral senses.” Which sounds creepy but just means that when you stare at the candle, it should be dark. I feel like an ophthalmologist probably wouldn’t recommend attempting to be psychic. Which seems unimportant when you consider how he will be killed by something blue on November 23rd.
What’s the difference between a guess and a vision by this method of psychic reading? About seventy-five bucks. That’s what Astrid charges for most of her services. The training I have received has taught me that everything I think is not only correct and good, but it’s also psychic. I’m not only thinking stuff because I’m smart and cool but because I’m pulling light psychic energy into my body for guidance. You should get bangs! Trust me; I’m a certified psychic. This feels amazing. I get why these classes are so popular.
There’s also a section on seeing auras clairvoyantly. Again, this means staring at someone in dim lighting and seeing if a color comes to you. She explains how the aura colors align with chakras and that if someone has a glittery aura, they’re either in a state of life transition, downloading a divine lesson or divine transformation, or they’re “close to their physical death.” This helps illustrate the hilarious sitcom potential of psychic misunderstandings. Graduating high school looks the same as a gruesome death, or maybe nothing. I paid $75 to know this.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot– I learned how to time travel! A seven-minute video on remote viewing taught me that through remote viewing, you can visit Earth before humans walked on it. This is achieved by (you’re not going to believe this) staring at a candle again and (you’re also not going to believe this) imagining what it would be like to visit Earth before humans walked on it. I don’t know what ramifications this will have on history, but when I was there I looked around and saw a bunch of skateboarding dogs. It was Bulldogs shredding as far as the eyes could see; truly a magical time. At least a $75 value.
You might be thinking this can’t be all you learned in four hours of class, Lydia. Time travel? Death (or maybe a new job) predictions? Those limitless abilities can be learned in minutes. Don’t worry; I also learned a lot about the importance of potatoes. Astrid brought up potatoes a lot. A suspicious amount. Like, I think there was a group of farmers brainstorming ways to get rid of a potato surplus and one of them said, “Okay, ha ha, who’s the wise guy who put WITCHES on the board? I’ll go ahead and erase th– wait… could it… ? You know… it’s just crazy enough to work.”
Potatoes are so important to psychics because they come from the ground, you see, which is the earth. It’s important to ground yourself to the earth and not the spirit world after doing a lot of psychic readings by eating a potato. She mentions baked potatoes specifically once. No word on if french fries or hash browns will work to bind you to the earth, but the next time I down an entire large fry from McDonald’s, I’ll report on if I feel more connected to the earth or just gassy. It’s possible that those are the same thing. Or someone near me is about to die. Oh, these terrible powers!
Astrid’s deepest concern, which she repeats over and over again, is that her classes will make you too psychic. She’s that good! Her staring at a candle technique is so powerful it’s guaranteed to work. If it doesn’t, you’re definitely trying too hard…or you’re definitely not trying hard enough. It’s one of those two, she assures us. Buy potato, available at store.
The other safety precaution Astrid suggests is if you summon a spirit (by staring at a candle and thinking about them), you should always send them away at the end of the session. Otherwise, shirtless ghost hunks will be hanging out watching your post seance potato fest. Oh, these terrible powers.
There’s a long section of psychic trials where you can put your powers to work. This involves Astrid holding up an object you’re supposed to stare at, pause the video, and get impressions from. The objects included a necklace, a bracelet, and a crystal. The impression I got is that these are all things I would expect a psychic witch to own. If she’d pulled out a Maxim magazine or a Precious Moments figurine, I might not have known what to think, but all of these items seemed pretty standard to me.
I wrote down what I expected to get from Astrid’s class before I started so that I could check at the end and see if the course lived up to my expectations. What I expected was psychic powers. I pictured someone squinting at me on the computer screen for about three and a half hours, and then I would be psychic. What I got was a deeper appreciation for potatoes. It turns out that I’m not a very good psychic, but I am a very CERTIFIED psychic, and I think that’s what really matters.