âDo you want to fuck them? Do you want to fuck them all? Itâs up to you whether or not you fuck the whole world. But Iâll warn you now: Youâll have to work very hard not to.â
That sounds like the introductory narration to a banned porn parody of Conan the Barbarian. It sounds like the start of a dangerous manifesto posted to a Reddit hatesub by a man whose bodypillow just left him. Thatâs the shoddy translation at the start of Emmanuelle 17: Emmanuelle in Space that launched a million very confused boners in 1987. But no, I just slightly rephrased the introductory paragraph of WikiHowâs âHow To Overcome Lustâ:
âHow to Overcome Lustâ does not know horny like you or I know horny: To its author, every single boner is a biological weapon out to destroy, at the very least, your life. At the very least!
This person has some absolutely insane ideas — not only about how to overcome lust, but about what might cause lust, and certainly about the magnitude of tsunami that will arise if an awkward kid thinks about fucking once near a pool. This author knows one thing for certain: every single person alive is a sexual werewolf, and every ass is a full moon.
So here, you sexual werewolves, letâs learn to defeat the genitals not just in our pants… but in our minds.
Listen, I know this is a religious thing. For a lot of people, sex and shame are all wrapped up together like the grossest Combo, but Iâm telling you this article goes beyond that. Youâre hoping to stay chaste? Simple:
Donât drive on highways, you whore.
Because of the steady vibration, I guess? If youâre driving on rumble strips because Jesus left roadcumming out of The Bible, you are going to have a very hard time explaining to a jury why you killed that cyclist. This is not the widespread societal problem you think it is, author of âHow to Overcome Lust.â Nobodyâs taking Smooth Ave. because itâs just been repaved and they know itâs like the graham cracker of streets now. Housewives do not sit in their CR-Vs dreading a detour onto Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard because they know the city doesnât maintain it and all the potholes are like getting reamed by a pavement golem.
This is your very specific, very insane kink and the fact that you put âdonât fuck highwaysâ at Tip #1 sets the wackiest tone for the rest of this article. If most women orgasmed just from taking the American highway system, I feel like Van Halen would have told me about it by now.
Donât want to have sex for religious reasons? Find a different religion!
This is how a shitty AI would solve the problem of religious abstinence. Itâs assuming so many crazy things about people that anybody who has met people would immediately recognize as untrue. âPeople are very attached to religion, but it doesnât matter which type. Catholicism wonât let you jam? Just switch to The Handlers of the Secret Virgin and it could be your turn to fuck Savior David every third Saturday!â
This author talks about having sex like 12 year olds talk about karate battles. Surely, karate will be everywhere you go. You must be prepared for karate at all times, you must have a karate plan. Lady, if you have to strategize how not to fuck an entire Quiznoâs every time you go out for lunch, proper game theory is not your issue.
If you have a problem with looking at butts too much, try not to look at butts. Solid advice! Phrased in the weirdest, most obscure way I can imagine. âBounce your eyesâ takes more time to say than âlook away,â with the additional factor being that you have to explain what the fuck youâre talking about every time you say it, and while youâre doing that little Jareth has already stuck his dick in the Chuck E. Cheese robot and needs the fire department again.
Thatâs⌠thatâs terrible advice. If you feel yourself being overcome with lust, just make heavy eye contact with the person you want to bang? Thatâs not going to deter anybody, unless youâre being a total creep about i-
Oh, okay. Yeah, if you get unspeakably horny just preemptively ruin all your chances with everyone around you! Thatâs a hot tip. If youâre worried about having sex, just wear a Pennywise mask and loudly quote posts from the Joe Rogan Experience forum. Nobody wants to fuck that except for Joe Rogan, and I hear heâs a surprisingly tender lover.
Or itâs a good way to start an orgy. Didnât the introductory paragraph promise to address not only the concerns of the micro-horny, but also the macro-horny? Telling a crowdfucker to seek out groups is a surefire way to turn this church study group into the subject of Pastor Tedâs next passive aggressive sermon.
Wait, this canât just be me. It looks like those people want to fuck, right? Maybe itâs because the suspension on my station wagon is shot and Iâm all horned up from the grocery run, but those drawings look way more fuckly than the earlier ones. Right?
Not if your grandmother was a nasty freak and hold on, this is the picture for that entry???
There is nothing âfriendlyâ about that image. If they were friends before, theyâre not going to be after the things theyâre doing to one anotherâs holes beneath that Dennyâs table. Theyâll have to leave town. Ordering a Moons Over My Hammy during toe penetration is a shame you donât live down. So Iâve heard. From a friend.
Former friend.
Something fucking crazy is happening with the art in this guide. I think the artist openly rebelled halfway through this stupid article and just drew everybody clearly trying to fuck each other, if not actively fucking each other just out of frame. This is the actual art for âDo Not Touch Them.â I didnât cut any text. I did not photoshop that lollipop into his hand. The lollipop was never mentioned and yet it changes everything.
Are you kidding me? According to every movie ever made about an all-girl school, thatâs where you go to learn how to make a girl cum without alerting a nun. If you canât control your lust, join the military? The military is the single horniest place I can think of. Everybody fucks in the armed forces. People join the military just to bang in different parts of the planet. Half of the reason we have a military is to run a never-ending fuck tour of the globe. Itâs like psychological warfare through drunken boning. On top of upending everything in your life, joining the army in the hopes of never having sex again is like joining the army to help people: Somebody is going to exploit your laughable naivete to fuck you, and it honestly would be your best case scenario if I meant that literally.
