It’s Fucking Day, fuck fans, but that’s not what we’re doing today. We’re doing whatever the Japanese word is for the opposite of that. We’re reading the language study guide and hate crime, HOW TO PICKUP JAPANESE GIRLS PHRASEBOOK by 2 Faced Publishing.
This is “BOOK 3 OF 3” in the “CRAZIEST & MOST CONTROVERSIAL SERIES EVER WRITTEN.” A unimind of undiagnosed personality disorders named Giacomo d’Byron wrote it in 2019 as a companion to HOW TO ATTRACT & MEET JAPANESE GIRLS and HOW TO ATTRACT & MEET MORE JAPANESE GIRLS, which completed a slightly hornier version of a book trilogy he already wrote about how to say naughty things in Japan. Basically, a lonely fart fan taught himself how to speak Japanese and hate women and then wrote six books about both things he knew.
I’d be surprised if you saw the title HOW TO PICKUP JAPANESE GIRLS PHRASEBOOK, and didn’t know this, but it’s a sex predator instruction manual for idiot virgins who prefer their bitter loneliness with a touch of racism. There’s no way it would be anything else. So there was no need to open the book with this warning:
In the current era of human history, it’s rare to see this kind of edginess in the wild. This is the bio of an undercover reporter exposing the dark underbelly of what your kids are calling “The Four Chan.” Giacomo is taunting the reader of an Asian girl hunting manual with, “Oh, does the word FUCK offend you, gay dummy grandma!?” You might be barking up the wrong tree, Giacomo. I feel like your readers* passed the psychopath test the moment they opened your book, buddy.
* According to sales statistics, I’m personally about 17% of his “readers.”
The author has a bit more to say before we get started, mainly about how great he is and the hugeness of his massive dong. He’s terrific, and you’re lucky to be here. This kind of desperate insecurity obviously betrays a couple things about Giacomo d’Byron: he doesn’t know he’s dumber than everyone and his dick sucks. He is self-publishing made-on-demand grifter books about how to say titties in Japanese and he thinks you’ll believe him when he adds, “… but I’m actually very wealthy and cool? The best at sexing, and g-giant penis as well?” He was going for cool and confident and missed so badly he skipped right over unlikably cocky and landed at “childlike psychopath.” I’m not saying he can’t fuck. I’m saying if you’re an eighth grader who once got to second base during a game of truth or dare, Giacomo would have so many questions for you.
Like all great thought leaders, during his meandering intro, Giacomo d’Byron stops to quote himself. It’s a quote about how every Japanese woman wants your cock if you smell good, but despite spelling almost all the words right, this feels more like a magical wish than a racial stereotype. But, and this is real, when he calls them “snow white cum dumpsters” two pages later, that feels more racially charged. In fact, maybe we should speed through this intro. Let’s see… hairy assholes… bust their nectar juices… no, let’s skip this page:
Giacomo seems to think Japanese women are balloons of sex fluids waiting for some, please any, Western-cocked man to come burst them. This isn’t a guide for casual hookups– this is a fan fiction of human relationships written from a Japanese prison. It is unspeakable. If a woman beat a man to death with her shoe and then planted this book in his home, no district attorney would prosecute.
The introduction loops around like this for 16 full pages. We learn that Japanese women are too shy to function, too horny to believe, and will stop the sex entirely if your Japanese accent is inauthentic. Giacomo also reminds the reader they’re very lucky to have his book because these demure sex machines “wouldn’t in their life help you practice these phrases, so don’t even think of asking them.” He repeats this several times, so he seems to think it’s important, but I only mention it because he forgets about it instantly.
The very first expressions Giacomo teaches us are “IMPORTANT PHRASES FOR CONSENSUAL AND SAFE SEX,” which, given his tone, heavily implies there are other types.
I knew -we all knew- going in, this was going to be a dark and stupid book. But maybe not this dark and stupid. This maniac sat down to think about which romantic phrases he’d heard the most and he came up with “STOP IT!” and “NO YOU CAN’T!”
And the first, the very first, supplementary advice he offers is, “if you’re clueless, just ask the bitch,” the thing he explicitly told you was never an option. And his second dating tip is to role play sex crimes with a stranger– no wait, that was his third tip. His second tip was “Japanese pornography is dull.” Which means his opening dating advice is create a sexual assault vibe until you recognize the words STOP IT, and then watch so much pornography you get bored. It’s everything you could want in a sex coach, and holy shit, I guess I should have mentioned by now, Giacomo uses the word “bitch” like it’s a casual, medical term. It’s very, very rare he calls women something else in any context.
This sociopath filled his book with accidental confessions like this. Even his pronunciation guide is psychologically revealing:
He could have chosen any words or phrases to demonstrate those vowel sounds, and he chose the thing he covets most, the thing he hates the most, the only thing he thinks about, the thing he says when he thinks about himself, and fuck you. If you showed this to a chimpanzee, it would sign, “Narcissist. Borderline personality disorder. Incel. Too easy for Dr. Bananas, too much easy.”
Giacomo immediately forgets the premise of his book, and instead of writing a collection of seductive phrases, he just writes whatever with no real structure or reason. A section translating days of the week might be next to a section about butt stuff followed by a second section translating days of the week. There’s also no appendix, so if you forget a butt stuff line you’ll have to thumb through the book randomly while your lover holds her asshole open, waiting for precise commands. Here, let’s go through them in the order they appear!
So in this section on THANKS, he writes ordinary variations of thank you like “thanks” or the classic “thank you more than anything.” Sometimes he’ll remember this is supposed to be a book for tricking horny and confused imbeciles into sex, so he’ll add one about dicks. In this case, he suggests “don’t thank me, thank my cock!” which works with any waitress or hair dresser. No, but let’s be real. This boy has been spending his whole life working on the perfect thing to say after he finally has sex and the best he came up with was “don’t thank me, thank my cock!” It’s like typing, “Guys, if the Rock comes to my 35th birthday party, I’m going to tell him, ‘The Rock… you ROCK!’ he ha! But seriously, Dwayne, thank you more than anything.”
I was promised phrases that would have dripping girls begging for it, but with the line “I love fat girls,” I feel like I either insulted someone or told her she’s not my type. It’s hard to imagine a clumsier pickup line. Maybe “Ass juice?” Just the phrase “Ass juice” and nothing else?
Oh, I was kidding, but there it is right between “Pussy juice” and “Orange Juice.” I always have been a natural lover. Ass juice, ladies.
Here’s what’s stupid about me. I knew almost immediately Giacomo d’Bryon didn’t know anything about women, but I took it for granted he knew something about Japan. And yet look here at the HOBBIES section. He wants me to ask babes in the club if they can teach me to be a ninja? If they can fucking teach me Karate like Miyagi-san? These are things the dumbest fourth grader would ask a Japanese exchange student in 1990. There’s a near 100% chance this goddamn idiot has never been to Japan and he’s running his imaginary conversations with sex-starved Japanese girls through Google translate. Let me check something…
Hmmm… looks like “oshiri no shiru” translates to “Know your butt,” not “Ass juice.” But there are hundreds of typos in his English. Maybe he fucked up his Japanese too? Let me check something else…
Okay, there we go. If we assume he mixed up the vowels in both words we get “Soup butt” which is as close to “Ass juice” as any phrase could possibly be. So now we can be pretty certain he’s a dumbshit in both languages, can only get laid in a make-believe universe where Japanese girls jump on any cock they smell, and most of what he knows about their culture comes from American ’80s movies. He knows nothing about nothing, and if he wasn’t an aspiring subway groper, you might consider his writing of this book to be an act of bravery. Let’s learn some more of his seductive HOBBIES phrases.
Wait, he wants me to ask if she can “teach me Kimono?” What the fuck does that mean? It seems like this phrase would translate to, “I am confused: bathrobe?” We are watching a slow American brain scrape every last Japanese thought from its long term memory. “Hey, girl, can you that one wave painting? Where is fried octopus ball, Subaru?”
I can’t lie, “My favorite hobby is fucking” is a good line, and it’s what all ladies want to hear. If she still has her panties on after you tell her this, you must have accidentally said “Soup butt,” which is possible since Giacomo doesn’t speak very good Japanese and nobody proofread this.
Their eyes meet across the bar. She is dressed in a Sailor Moon skirt and drinking ceremonial tea through a straw in her Godzilla head, the traditional garb of her people or “hito.” He is in a Dragon Ball Z full print silk shirt with special large bulge pants for boys. Her keen nose picks up on the scent of penis in them and the moist membrane restraining her girl juices bursts. She readies her ancient “katana” or ninja sword in case it is a ronin trap. The best stranger opens his mouth. “MY FAVORITE HOBBY IS SUCKING,” he blurts. A gallon of her vaginal gelatin splats against the floor or “look up Japanese word for floor later” and she thanks her ancestors it is not a trap, but the super cool American cock.
After teaching us the seductive names of the months of the year, Giacomo gives us some handy HER TASTE IS GOOD OR BAD phrases. And maybe I’m being too critical, but does a pickup line book really need the phrase “Your pussy tastes bad?” It seems like it actually undoes a lot of the seduction if you stop the lovemaking to tell her she’s disgusting. Plus, couldn’t I communicate this with an unpleasant face? I feel like holding my nose and pretending to puke has the same delicacy and works in any language. But as for all the other lines here, great work, Giacomo. I’ve always seduced mainly in English, but I’m sure the phrase, “RAAHR, LET ME PUT YOUR CROTCH IN MY MOUTH” travels well across cultural divides. You fucking impotent clown. You might as well run into the room screaming, “Pee on me!”
Ha ha ha ha… amazing. No, but seriously, I want to make sure I get this one exactly right. Boku ni oshi…
Okay, he didn’t seem to make any mistakes when he translated “Pee on me!” So feel free to try it out during your erotic travels!
It’s impossible to overstate how awful Giacomo is in every way. Even in his wildest fantasies, he’s a stupid dick. He advises you to brag about your money by telling single women, “Um, maybe it’s YOU who doesn’t have any money?” And I know there aren’t any stakes in writing books like this, but why did we even invent chemical castration if not for this exact occasion? He is selling a book suggesting you fly to Japan, walk up to innocent Japanese women, and tell them, “Your mouth smells like sushi, you poor bitch. Ass juice.”
Giacomo surprised me with a section on NEGATIVITY/RACISM, mostly because it wasn’t hilarious names for other races. Instead, it was mostly unpleasant ways to call other people racists followed by “I’m so glad I love all people on earth.” It’s a strange line for a book about penetrating foolish strangers by any means.
You may have noticed this in that clipping, but the line about loving others was so disruptive to Giacomo’s writing process he forgot where the fuck he was and his next line was “I’m so happy I have a massive cock.” And then, seemingly to himself, he writes “You should try having more pussy, then maybe you wouldn’t be so fucking bitter.” I can’t tell if he’s having an emotional breakdown or if he’s trying to process a trauma by translating his most embarrassing conversation into Japanese. Either way, I find it hard to believe these phrases will help crush all that ass he promised. This little dipshit is bringing Sonic subreddit argument energy to sport fucking.
In his section on SIZE, Giacomo gives some phrases you can use for both shopping and seduction. For instance, using these figures, if you’re buying sneakers you can tell the clerk you need a shoe exactly 50% longer than this, and pull your dick out. Or if you’re me, fold it in half six times and say, “I’ll take the widest canoe that will fit in a truck this big.
These are interesting moments to prepare for in a Japanese conversation. Giacomo has never had a relationship, but when he does, he wants it to be toxic and built around guilt. I am certain you will have better luck with women by never, ever learning how to say these phrases, but this type of bitterness is central to the Giacomo d’Byron seduction method. He hopes someday he will go to Japan, find a lucky, ungrateful woman who hopefully doesn’t have a tape measure, and tell her which parts of her smell like fish. You know, it just occurred to me you might think I’m making this book up. I’m not. I swear by all the soup in your butt I am not. This is real. Before he had his first kiss, this future murderer looked his pirated copy of Microsoft Word right in the face and typed all this. Okay, let’s learn how to trim our dick hair abroad:
I’m worried even if I say these phrases precisely right, my seduction target will be sure she’s misunderstood. How do I say, “Open your fucking ears, sushi mouth. I NEED. TO WAX. MY ASS AND BALLS AND BACK.” Sorry for the rough language, everyone, but we’re trying to get our dick wet here, not buy a pen.
“How much is this pen!?” How is this a pic– what? What’s the followup to this line? The phrase “Pen!?” Which is the Japanese word for Pen!?!? Look, I’ll come right out and say something controversial: it might be unrealistically optimistic to think the word “pen” alone will lead to sex with pen salespeople.
You know when you’re writing a seduction book and you don’t include a section on selling your semen door-to-door? Giacomo didn’t make that mistake. I guess when you don’t fuck, you figure people who do offer it as an insemination service to single women? This one sort of feels like a first aid instructor making sure everyone knows what to do if a drowning woman is trying to buy your sperm.
There’s an infamous pickup artist technique known as “negging” where you give backhanded compliments to a girl to damage her social status and confidence. The key is hiding the insult so it’s imperceptible, and when done right it can trick a girl into subconsciously seeking your approval. It’s insidious, but effective, and I’ve never seen it done as masterfully as “Your ugly.” Giacomo is the best at UGLY I’ve ever seen.
I sort of ran out of ways to make sense of this book. I thought it was a nerd playing make-believe, but this section is about how much he jerks off. Could we be dealing with some kind of Liar Liar curse? I don’t care how lonely you are, no one thinks “I masturbate my cock everyday” is a good conversation starter, much less a pickup line. Is he bragging? Does he think she’ll be impressed by his training discipline? “I masturbate my cock everyday” is something an unprepared person says during a job interview when a dairy farmer asks about their qualifications. It’s something you add after announcing, “I’m Giacomo d’Byron and I’m here to say.”
As a responsible real sex-haver, Giacomo includes a section on PROTECTION. It includes how to say “condom,” how to ask the girl if she has a condom, and then a series of increasingly stupid excuses for not wanting to wear a condom. Again, this is a person who has never had sex of any type, but he knows enough about himself to know if he ever does, he wants it to be as unsafe and dishonest as possible for everyone.
I was starting to pick up on that, yes, Giacomo.
Hold on. Is this book a prank? When you’re clearly a psychopath, using The Talented Mr. Ripley as your placeholder for a hypothetical favorite movie is a little too perfect. I bought it when his section on racism was mostly about his giant cock, and it seemed organic when he listed 25 toxic ways to call a girl ungrateful, but I see right through this. This is parody. What’s next, a section called THE JOKER showing you how to complain about cancel culture in Japanese?
Whoa, I was really close.
Wait, I take it back. This is real. Only an actual sociopath would think to list generic racial terms under FUNNY NAMES FOR PEEPS right after asking both possible menstruation questions. I love how after 166 pages of increasingly predictable bitterness, this book can still surprise me.
Giacomo really gives you a look inside his head during the MISCELLANEOUS SHIT sections. In an absence of context, his mind starts with “I want to fuck” and in only eight sentences he has flubbed a line about his masturbation habits, had a fight with at least three people, and clumsily begged for sex from four others, one of them filled with actual spiders. It’s incredible. You can’t be worse at anything. This was meant to seduce girls in Japan, and all it did was humiliate Delaware’s crankiest weeb. Speaking of cranky, I think Giacomo’s last good idea for a pickup line was “My only lover now is his right hand. Can you help me?” So the rest of the book is mostly a temper tantrum.
The nuances of language are so interesting to me. For instance, with only the addition or removal of an exclamation point, the Japanese pickup line “baka onna” can mean both “Dumb bitch” and “You are a stupid bitch!” And I speak a little Japanese, so I know the “yo” in “Shabure yo!” asserts direct meaning, but somehow it translates to the very mysterious “Go suck my cock!” Why isn’t your cock here? Is that why you’re angry? How far do I need to go to get to it? Are you sure no one is sucking it already?
On page 194, Giacomo includes a list of EGO TRIP phrases for the confident gaijin about Japan. He shows you how to say you’re the best man, the sexiest fuck machine, the most understanding lover, she’s a bitch, you’re a loser. Hold on, what? No. No, I’m right, that’s what he did. Let’s see if he calms down in the next section called, oh no, TACTICAL LINGO FOR USE AGAINST THE STALKER BITCH.
I’m troubled by this entire section, but unrelated to Giacomo, I don’t like how the English phrase “You should just go off yourself” is only one word long in Japanese. Still, as an experienced non-virgin haunted by many unwanted lovers, Giacomo knows it doesn’t always work to tell women to kill themselves. Luckily, he has come up with four other schemes to get rid of the extra ladies. Well, almost four schemes. Closer to one. And maybe “scheme” is a strong word. He suggests having a friend call her and tell her you’re dead:
None of this will be funny when Giacomo is arrested trying to break into a Wilmington Curves with a hunting rifle, but at this moment in time it’s almost cute how dumb this is. His only idea to escape a situation he’s never been in is to fake his own death, and he plans it out the same way four different times changing no relevant details. He’s obviously a real danger to others, but in many ways Giacomo is a kitten getting its head stuck in a yogurt cup over and over.
We really need to wrap this up, but I have three more fun ones. Here’s COCK SIZE/BALLS:
Fantastic in every way, perfect, flawless.
I want you to picture the most loving, generous, and loyal Japanese woman. You ask her to borrow money and she, of course, says yes. “Your Japanese is so good,” she might add. Now picture her opening this book and finding your exact words in the section called ASKING YOUR BITCH FOR A LOAN. She brandishes her traditional nunchaku. “Oh, thank God,” you think as she gets distracted by the next section, FARTS/QUIEFS.
I’m not sure if it’s another typo or if Giacomo forgot the Japanese word for “Ho” in the middle of his list of farts and queefs, but it’s another perfect collection of pickup lines from “the world’s go to Player / Playboy / Gigolo gentleman” who “fucks loads of pussy every day.” We’ve already gone on a journey together on this Fucking Day, so I leave you with Giacomo’s author bio presented without comment:
