Darktown Strutters: The Gangs

Darktown Strutters is… I hesitate to even call it a movie, since that seems so reductive of the experience, but if I must define it somehow, I suppose that word is as inadequate as any other. Here are more words that wither and die in the presence of Darktown Strutters: It’s billed as a blaxploitation science fiction musical comedy, but it’s really a jigsaw puzzle of barely connected scenes that all seem to violently disagree on what movie they’re in. Watching Darktown Strutters is like watching 7,183 bizarre short films that all share the same costumes and setpieces, which were stolen from some kind of extremely racist circus. 

Darktown Strutters is at spiritual war with itself. It’s a hell of a lot of fun – big dance numbers! Colorful characters! Wacky fast-forward chase scenes! And it is also deeply upsetting. There are several zany attempted rapes, more blackface than a Stanford Halloween party, and at one point our heroine attempts to give a robot an abortion. There are images here that will plant ghosts in your brain. It is without question that you will have a good time watching Darktown Strutters, and it is without question that your pineal gland will need an exorcism afterward. So welcome, then, to the first ever multi-part Hot Dog Extravaganza! For Nerding Day, we will explore the bizarrely themed gangs of Darktown Strutters like they were rejected from an all-black River City Ransom for being too unbalanced.

For Upsetting Day, well… let’s not think about Upsetting Day. That’s 48 entire hours from now. You could be dead by then! You should be dead by then! That way you’d never have to pay for all the fun you’re about to have! 

A quartet of strong black women dressed like a parody sketch about Mardi Gras. They take no sass, which is wildly hypocritical since they are nothing but sass. 

Passive ability: Trike Transformation

The Darktown Strutters each have a custom three-wheeled motorcycle that can evade all pursuit. This is because they can only be seen from a great distance, or from behind, since every time they ride they magically transform into large black stuntmen. 

Special Move: The Getup Getdown

Boss Fight: Flash 

Baby brother and practitioner of African Karate, which he learned from a door-to-door salesman.

Flash’s Primary Method of Travel: Karate

An all-black motorcycle club whose every member was ripped, screaming, from an entirely different time period. They do not own motorcycles, though they do call scooters motorcycles. They also only own one scooter, and cannot ride it. The Batch are like black Smurfs, in that they are named after their one personality trait. Mellow is mellow, Wired is wired, and VD, true to theme, has venereal diseases. Man in Hat is a man in a hat.

Passive Ability: Funky Twitching

The Batch can evade all grappling moves since the director demanded that none of them ever stand still, even for a moment. 

Special Move: The Zany Rape Attempt

Boss Fight: Philo Raspberry

Private Detective who does no detecting, or anything else. He plays a tiny piano and enjoys being kidnapped.

Philo Raspberry’s Special Item Drop: Poor Quality Champagne

Klansmen that appear out of nowhere, for purposes that are never explained, and often forget to do anything before they vanish from the scene. For example, see above: That is the entirety of their first appearance in the film. Four pop out of a trailer, then two magically appear on bikes, and all are gone by the next cut without doing or saying anything. 

Passive Ability: Motocross Mania

The Surprise Road-Klan gain double-speed when on bikes, but always forget who they are pursuing in favor of doing sweet motocross tricks.

Special Move: Birth of a Nac-Nac

Boss Fight: Sky Hog

A Colonel Sanders-like character, he runs a barbecue joint as a front for a white power cloning operation. This may be the plot of the actual movie, but the plot does not get enough screen time to be certain.

Sky Hog’s Primary Method of Travel: Tiny Cape Flap

Like many other gangs, characters, and important plot points from the movie, this single brief scene is the entirety of their only appearance. They steal the film as easily as they steal something, probably, from the building they exploded with that bazooka.

Passive Ability: Style, Style, Style 

The Hot Pink Bazooka Pimps are the Boba Fett of Darktown Strutters. They do nothing and presumably die stupidly, but you will still fall in love.

Special Move: R.P.B. (Rocket Propelled Backhand)

Boss Fight: Casabah Volt

Drives around with his harem in a city bus converted to look, inside and out, like a sultan’s palace.

Casabah Volt’s Special Item Drop: Inexplicable Full Desk Typewriter

Found strolling darkened parks and grungy alleyways in formation, they are always singing barely recognizable Motown hits in a vaguely menacing manner.

Passive Ability: Aggressive Serenade 

The A Capella Ramblers’ ultimate destination is your face, which they will sing straight into like it’s a fleshy microphone. All targets receive -2 to Panty Integrity. 

Special Move: The Down Low High Note

Boss Fight: Dog Pimp

Dog Pimp is always seen leading the A Capella Ramblers like a herald. He is physically incapable of being anything less than pimpalicious. 

Dog Pimp’s Unique Companion: Pimp Dog

…
This article was brought to you by our fine patron and Hot Dog Supreme, Yannis Ioannidis: is the first person based on the film 3 Ninjas Kick Back.